Offering feedback on your first chapter

[TooThunder7]

It's not my kind of thing. Super strength and overpowered protagonists aren't interesting to me.
Do you want like some things to think about in terms of plot, or story structure, or character arcs? As in, what things you could include to make your story compelling or give your characters depth?

I just wanted to know what people thought of the idea overall nothing specific. Like if was cool or interesting.

 

[Peagreene]

I just wanted to know what people thought of the idea overall nothing specific. Like if was cool or interesting.

Personally speaking, it sounds uninteresting. There's no tension or reason to read the story if it's just about some guy effortlessly beating people up over and over again.

 

[Nevafrost]

I haven’t posted it yet. But I would love to hear your thoughts on my unpublished first draft.

Spoiler: Chapter:1

Fire. Screams.

'You shall perish in the deepest of hells!'

'These rat-bloods!'

'Disgrace to the magical society!'

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

'What's happening?'

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup. Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow. 'I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?' Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

'Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?' Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

'I think not. Where are you going?'

'We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind.'

'I see you are interested in war, my dear,' King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling, 'I'm so proud of you.' Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, 'I apologize for delaying my arrival.' Elina mocked her, 'No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast.'

'That's normal though.' They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

'Don't you think they will find out?' asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

'Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out,' said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

'It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out,' Aylin said, looking kind of worried.
'Iris?' Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, 'Is there anything on your mind?'
'Yes, you have been really silent,' Elina mocked her.
'Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can't just forget what happened.'
'Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?' Aylin looked worried.
'Did I tell you it was a nightmare?'
'I can tell. Now, tell us what you dreamt about.'
'It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very realistic.'
'Was it the same thing you saw last time?'
'Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream.'
'That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist,' Harlin suggested.
'Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist.'
They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.
There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

'Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?' asked Alison walking up to them.
'Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting.'
'I knew you would love it,' Alison warmly smiled at her.
Eleena rolled her eyes, 'There he goes again with his sweet tongue.' Harleen smirked, 'Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?' Elina cursed at her, 'I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,' she crinkled her nose, 'I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though.' Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, 'Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high.' Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

'Will you two stop your dogfighting?' Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.
'Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such rudeness. We shall never disappoint you again.' Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.
'I'm not your mother.'
'But you sure don't let me feel the absence of my mother.' Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.
'Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris's desk?'
Alison hurried away.
'So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom.'

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

*appears before hiding again* I am kind of scared. You are being a frightening kitten.

I fear that I might fall under the "Not here for isekai or overpowered protagonists or self insert fics" clause, so not sure if you want to give it a try to begin with. Much to my relief, I suppose.

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht Villainess, noble girl, princess. Reincarnation is a fickle matter, unpredictable and capricious, uncaring and unforgiving in nature. Stranded in unknown lands, in a different time and age by the mysterious forces of magic, Aurora is reborn as the sole heiress...

www.scribblehub.com

Anynya, if you can spare a moment and if it interests you.

 

[Vulthur]

No idea if you are still doing this. But I have recently launched so if you had time it would be much appreciated.

 

[Peagreene]

Hey ?. i would appreciate your review on my work. Its a dark fantasy with in Aggressor's(demons) pov( not justifying them) i hope it piques your interest. You can skip prologue and go straight to chapter 1, sounds weird I know but chapter 1 is where my main characters and main world is introduced, so it's up to you. However, if you are looking for horror, the prologue perfectly captures it. It is from victim's(dwarf and a human) pov.

B*stard of Abaddon.

Must a son answer for the sins of a father he never knew? Aegis always found comfort in the clinking of coins; after all, being a slave in hell is not easy. But his life takes a dangerous turn when a fallen paladin — a necromancer from the outer plane — takes...

www.scribblehub.com

A man was walking down the street on his way home. He was tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Before he could reach his house, something moved at the corner of his eye.

A strange figure stood in the dark alley beside him. He considered ignoring it, but curiosity pulled him closer.

Hesitantly, he moved toward the figure— but before he could tell what it was, he was knocked out.

Okay, so many thoughts about this. Starting with "a man" rather than a named character isn't great because your opening should attempt to intrigue and interest us in the character's fate, and "a man" immediately places distance between us and the character. Being tired isn't that interesting or engaging, and neither is the description of the "strange figure". Why is it strange? He's tired, so this figure has to be more enticing than the pull of rest after a hard day, so make us intrigued and curious. Being knocked out means a person probably ends up with a concussion, which isn't something you walk off, it's a serious medical accident.

When he opened his eyes, grass filled his vision; he found himself floating in the air—but pain in his wrists and ankles told a different story. His mouth was stuffed with a cloth; his arms and legs were bound to a stick, and he was carried forward.

His heart began to race— he lifted his head up only to find a stranger covered in red robes in front of him.

If he's being carried, finding a stranger in front of him implies he's stationary.

Behind him stood a lone chapel, its peak eclipsing the moon.

How can he tell what's behind him if he's tied to a stick? Or does the "him" here refer to the stranger?

Inside the chapel stood figures dressed in different shades of red, some hooded, others with their faces hidden behind masks. They formed circles around seven figures, each different from the others.

So is he inside the chapel or outside the chapel? Where is everyone?

The last was dressed comfortably, with only his face concealed.

What does this mean? My idea of comfortably may be very different to yours. Is this like, sweatpants and a hoodie?

All seven sat at the points of a heptagram, with the man lying at the centre of the star.

So he's not tied to the stick anymore? Where's the transition?

Soon they began chanting a poem.

How soon is soon?

The man at the centre began to move unusually.

What constitutes unusual movement?

Everybody present in the chapel waited for this moment.

"Everybody" implies the dying guy was waiting for it as well.

He had been running longer than he should have.

What does this mean?

His hair was cut short, with visible dark circles and green pupils.

His hair has dark circles and pupils?

“Greetings, Willbore!” He paused for a moment, waiting for a reply.

Who's the he here, the dwarf or the human?

“I take it you had no luck with the hunt today?” Neil said as he served Willbore his usual drink.

Which is?

To his relief, there was no one outside except littered corpses and dried blood staining the stone road.

I like this, relief at it just being corpses.

He was draped in bones and blood.

How can someone be draped in blood? Blood is liquid, and not drapable.

Soon, Willbore found his arms and legs tied together with a single rope, forcing him to kneel.

Does this mean that "soon" (a meaningless measure of time here) he realised he was tied up, or "soon" he was tied up?

It was the stranger that brought chaos to the city, The self proclaimed herald of the gods who appeared a year ago.

This is crazy lore to drop in a casual sentence like this.

Silence followed.

He repeated his prayers, hoping someone would answer him.

But silence followed.

As a general comment, there's a lack of pronoun clarity here.

Herald kneels and places his arm on Willbore’s shoulder.

Tense switch.

---

I like the visual of the city descending into madness and bloodshed, but the characters are what are going to anchor us in this extreme dramatic and dangerous setting, and Willbore is a flat character atm. We know he likes hunting and that's it. The mentions of his family never believing in him are too little too late. I want to understand what his life was before the carnage to better understand what drives him to join the Herald.

Here is my little work-in-progress. I have 6 chapters completed for a rough total of 35k words. Horror it is not, nor really historical (unless you consider the mid 2000s as such), but it is set in the UK.

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

The bare trees in the neighbourhood of Lawrence Avenue groaned and swayed in a bitterly chilly winter wind on the first afternoon of January.

I feel like an opening sentence focusing on a character is stronger than random trees and the weather.

“Nonsense, Timothy. We'll be fine. We're nearly there, now.”

Nonsense, Timothy. Is this kid secretly seventy years old?

He gazed awkwardly at his friend, until Timothy grinned back at him.

I'm finding it hard to read exactly what the dynamic is here. Timothy is younger and Robin seems to be the one in charge, but he also thinks Timothy is adorable (in a way that comes across as kind of creepy bc it's when Timothy is struggling), and Robin's chuckling in a way that seems confident, but then he just stares at him awkwardly and seems unsure about Timothy's reaction.

Timothy's puffy coat and smooth snow-pants squeaked and rustled in that adorable way as the material of both rubbed together.

So is Robin into Timothy or into the sensory experience of his clothes?

“I give up. Let's go back home. It's too slippy for me and my bike.” Timothy muttered.

Comma to end the dialogue.

“Right, we need a return ticket for two adults and four kids to Welwyn.” spoke Mr. Button.

“Okay, so a group explorer ticket. That'll be, twelve pounds ninety please.”

“Isn't that a bit expensive?” Robin heard Mrs. Button say. “Thirteen bucks, I mean, er, pounds?”

“Not really. It would probably cost that much in fuel, and for parking, and everything else if we took the car. Hold on a sec.”

“Fifteen... Right, here's your change. Thank you.”

The bus set off, it passed Lawrence Avenue. It bounced over the two tracks of the level crossing, and then began to climb the hill towards Amwell Roundabout.

Ngl, this is boring. So much time being devoted to them buying a train ticket when there's been no conflict or tension so far in this chapter.

“Oh, not 'the wheels on the bus'! That's all we need to hear!” complained David.

Who's David?

---

I'm going to pause here because I'm really struggling to read this. I don't find it engaging at all, it's a lot of detail about getting a new coat and buying a bus ticket, and I'm super tuned out.

 

[Eldoria]

Oh... you're back. Your patient's been waiting for a long time, dude.

 

[Peagreene]

Oh... you're back. Your patient's been waiting for a long time, dude.

Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell.
Also I was sleepy.

 

[Marlowe]

I've been working my butt off to make Cronicles* of Mar the best I can make it be to my abilities. I'd love some feedback on it! (Stupid phone auto correct!)

 

[Peagreene]

I've been working my butt off to make Cronicles* of Mar the best I can make it be to my abilities. I'd love some feedback on it! (Stupid phone auto correct!)

Need a link dude.

 

[Marlowe]

Need a link dude.

Right, my bad! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2241157/chronicles-of-mar/

 

[Peagreene]

Here is my little work-in-progress. I have 6 chapters completed for a rough total of 35k words. Horror it is not, nor really historical (unless you consider the mid 2000s as such), but it is set in the UK.

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

I skimmed the rest of your chapters, and I think my main takeaway here is that lack of tension I mentioned earlier. Good storytelling uses tension to keep the reader engaged, but there're many ways to create tension. One easy way is to make your character want something, and then working the narrative to stop them from getting it; in your case, there's tension with Robin's diagnosis, his changing relationship with Timothy, and his fraught relationship with his father. This is all good big picture stuff, but there needs to be chapter tension as well as plot tension, in order to keep a reader interested enough to engage with the big picture stuff.

Think about how things change between the beginning of the chapter and the end of the chapter. One way to do this is emotionally - things start off happy/positive/successful but by the end of the chapter everything's gone to shit. Or the other way round, things start off shit and get better by the end. But if things remain the same from the beginning to the end, there's no tension. Another way to do it is to ask a question at the beginning of the chapter and spend the rest of the chapter answering it. This is a good way of figuring out if a chapter is interesting, and keeping the focus close on that question throughout. There can be an emotional question - will Timmy reject Robin? - and a literal question - will Timmy's bike handle the poor weather? Keeping these questions in mind while writing your narrator helps keep the focus on what matters and what the stakes are.