I would Love Some Feedback

[lizzyrose]

I just dropped a chapter of my story and I’m trying to improve my writing

I’d really love feedback on:
– pacing (does it feel slow or rushed?)
– characters (do they feel real?)
– emotional impact (did anything actually hit?)

Be honest, I can take it

When silence learned to speak

 

[Eldoria]

Short questions: Why did you choose the mature genre? How relevant is the mature genre to your story?

 

[GhoulishTales]

I'll skip giving feedback on characters since I'd need more to work with than what is shown to comment on characterisation.

SPaG:​

There are many issues with the SPaG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) which would be easily amended by a spell-checker. I'm not going to harp on SPaG much, since it's an easily fixed issue, but I'll point out some obvious examples from the first chapter to illustrate what I mean.

The sentence construction of the opening sentence is clunky.

The house was just as I imagined cold and uninviting.

This line should have a colon in it, as follows:

The house was just as I imagined it would be: cold and uninviting.

You often miss punctuation marks in dialogue.

"What do you think you're doing"

This line should be punctuated with a question mark, as follows:

"What do you think you're doing?"

There are also some cases of dialogue with opening, but not closing, quotation marks, as well as the reverse.

Then, as a narrative convention, here are some style recommendations:

• Use double quotations for dialogue, and single quotations for titles or 'air quotes.' Or, do the reverse. Either way, pick one type of quotation mark for one purpose and the other type of quotation mark for the other purpose, then stick to the decision. It ultimately doesn't matter which you pick (since British English does it one way and American English does it the other way), but the decision adds clarity to the text by communicating the difference through a clear delineation.
• You are writing in first person. Move character thoughts to italics and cut out the "he/she thought/reflected." This is more immersive as it makes the thoughts felt in the moment.

Neither of these are strictly necessary decisions (they are style based recommendations), but they should enhance the scene clarity.

Emotional Intensity:​

You asked for feedback on emotional intensity, and so I'll focus on where exactly I think you can get the biggest improvement: the prose. You're writing in first person, and often in passive voice. Unless you are wanting the main character to come across as clinically depressed, the choice of passive voice severely weakens the scene intensity by making emotions less felt. If you want emotions to "land" as it were, then moving from passive to active voice is, in my opinion, a must. Consider the opening line. Instead of:

The house was just as I imagined: cold and uninviting.

If the opening scene was something like:

Chilly air swept through the open door and pooled around my feet. This house is even more uninviting than I thought it would be.

The added motion makes the scene more "felt." You can then consider alternative verbs/adjectives to change the psychological framing of the scene. Do you want it to feel actively hostile? Something like "ghosted through the door," might achieve that. How unpleasant, exactly, do you want the air to feel? "Congealing at the feet" could make it really nasty. You get the idea.

I'd also argue that cutting out the thought might make it even stronger. Have the main character shiver, or hug their arms, to show the unpleasantness, rather than commenting on it. Save internal monologue for moments where it really matters.

Pacing and Situational Grounding:​

This is, I feel, the place where the prose is weakest. Many web serial writers pace poorly in that their stories are too slow. You have the opposite problem: your writing reads more like an outline than a finished story. You often move between scenes too quickly, without grounding the reader in the scene, and the story feels like a lot of 'talking heads' as a consequence.

Consider the house in chapter 1. What does the building look like? What does the air smell like? How well lit are the rooms? What props are present in different places? We jump from the dining room to the bedroom in the space of a few words whilst barely establishing anything about either environment and the transition is jarring. If the intention is for the main character to be someone who doesn't notice details about the world around them, that's fine, but then that does need to be reflected throughout the story in other parts of their psychology.

However, even if this is the case, I'd still advise adding more detail than the detail which is currently present. It does not need to be superfluous, either. Consider what details you can add to the house to tell the reader about the psychology of the owner, and how the protagonist can interpret them differently (to tell the reader about the protagonist). Your napkin wipe is a good example of this done well, providing a small amount of insight into the character.

​

 

[Eldoria]

I'll skip giving feedback on characters since I'd need more to work with than what is shown to comment on characterisation.

SPaG:​

There are many issues with the SPaG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) which would be easily amended by a spell-checker. I'm not going to harp on SPaG much, since it's an easily fixed issue, but I'll point out some obvious examples from the first chapter to illustrate what I mean.

The sentence construction of the opening sentence is clunky.

This line should have a colon in it, as follows:


You often miss punctuation marks in dialogue.

This line should be punctuated with a question mark, as follows:

There are also some cases of dialogue with opening, but not closing, quotation marks, as well as the reverse.

Then, as a narrative convention, here are some style recommendations:

• Use double quotations for dialogue, and single quotations for titles or 'air quotes.' Or, do the reverse. Either way, pick one type of quotation mark for one purpose and the other type of quotation mark for the other purpose, then stick to the decision. It ultimately doesn't matter which you pick (since British English does it one way and American English does it the other way), but the decision adds clarity to the text by communicating the difference through a clear delineation.
• You are writing in first person. Move character thoughts to italics and cut out the "he/she thought/reflected." This is more immersive as it makes the thoughts felt in the moment.

Neither of these are strictly necessary decisions (they are style based recommendations), but they should enhance the scene clarity.

Emotional Intensity:​

You asked for feedback on emotional intensity, and so I'll focus on where exactly I think you can get the biggest improvement: the prose. You're writing in first person, and often in passive voice. Unless you are wanting the main character to come across as clinically depressed, the choice of passive voice severely weakens the scene intensity by making emotions less felt. If you want emotions to "land" as it were, then moving from passive to active voice is, in my opinion, a must. Consider the opening line. Instead of:

If the opening scene was something like:

The added motion makes the scene more "felt." You can then consider alternative adjectives to change the psychological framing of the scene. Do you want it to feel actively hostile? Something like "ghosted through the door," might achieve that. How unpleasant, exactly, do you want the air to feel? "Congealing at the feet" could make it really nasty. You get the idea.

I'd also argue that cutting out the thought might make it even stronger. Have the main character shiver, or hug their arms, to show the unpleasantness, rather than commenting on it. Save internal monologue for moments where it really matters.

Pacing and Situational Grounding:​

This is, I feel, the place where the prose is weakest. Many web serial writers pace poorly in that their stories are too slow. You have the opposite problem: your writing reads more like an outline than a finished story. You often move between scenes too quickly, without grounding the reader in the scene, and the story feels like a lot of 'talking heads' as a consequence.

Consider the house in chapter 1. What does the building look like? What does the air smell like? How well lit are the rooms? What props are present in different places? We jump from the dining room to the bedroom in the space of a few words whilst barely establishing anything about either environment and the transition is jarring. If the intention is for the main character to be someone who doesn't notice details about the world around them, that's fine, but then that does need to be reflected throughout the story in other parts of their psychology.

However, even if this is the case, I'd still advise adding more detail than the detail which is currently present. It does not need to be superfluous, either. Consider what details you can add to the house to tell the reader about the psychology of the owner, and how the protagonist can interpret them differently (to tell the reader about the protagonist). Your napkin wipe is a good example of this done well, providing a small amount of insight into the character.

​

@lizzyrose Listen to his/her @GhoulishTales advice. If you consistently apply at least 70% of his/her advice to your writing, your writing will approach the pro-level of a self-publishing.

 

[lizzyrose]

I'll skip giving feedback on characters since I'd need more to work with than what is shown to comment on characterisation.

SPaG:​

There are many issues with the SPaG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) which would be easily amended by a spell-checker. I'm not going to harp on SPaG much, since it's an easily fixed issue, but I'll point out some obvious examples from the first chapter to illustrate what I mean.

The sentence construction of the opening sentence is clunky.

This line should have a colon in it, as follows:


You often miss punctuation marks in dialogue.

This line should be punctuated with a question mark, as follows:

There are also some cases of dialogue with opening, but not closing, quotation marks, as well as the reverse.

Then, as a narrative convention, here are some style recommendations:

• Use double quotations for dialogue, and single quotations for titles or 'air quotes.' Or, do the reverse. Either way, pick one type of quotation mark for one purpose and the other type of quotation mark for the other purpose, then stick to the decision. It ultimately doesn't matter which you pick (since British English does it one way and American English does it the other way), but the decision adds clarity to the text by communicating the difference through a clear delineation.
• You are writing in first person. Move character thoughts to italics and cut out the "he/she thought/reflected." This is more immersive as it makes the thoughts felt in the moment.

Neither of these are strictly necessary decisions (they are style based recommendations), but they should enhance the scene clarity.

Emotional Intensity:​

You asked for feedback on emotional intensity, and so I'll focus on where exactly I think you can get the biggest improvement: the prose. You're writing in first person, and often in passive voice. Unless you are wanting the main character to come across as clinically depressed, the choice of passive voice severely weakens the scene intensity by making emotions less felt. If you want emotions to "land" as it were, then moving from passive to active voice is, in my opinion, a must. Consider the opening line. Instead of:

If the opening scene was something like:

The added motion makes the scene more "felt." You can then consider alternative verbs/adjectives to change the psychological framing of the scene. Do you want it to feel actively hostile? Something like "ghosted through the door," might achieve that. How unpleasant, exactly, do you want the air to feel? "Congealing at the feet" could make it really nasty. You get the idea.

I'd also argue that cutting out the thought might make it even stronger. Have the main character shiver, or hug their arms, to show the unpleasantness, rather than commenting on it. Save internal monologue for moments where it really matters.

Pacing and Situational Grounding:​

This is, I feel, the place where the prose is weakest. Many web serial writers pace poorly in that their stories are too slow. You have the opposite problem: your writing reads more like an outline than a finished story. You often move between scenes too quickly, without grounding the reader in the scene, and the story feels like a lot of 'talking heads' as a consequence.

Consider the house in chapter 1. What does the building look like? What does the air smell like? How well lit are the rooms? What props are present in different places? We jump from the dining room to the bedroom in the space of a few words whilst barely establishing anything about either environment and the transition is jarring. If the intention is for the main character to be someone who doesn't notice details about the world around them, that's fine, but then that does need to be reflected throughout the story in other parts of their psychology.

However, even if this is the case, I'd still advise adding more detail than the detail which is currently present. It does not need to be superfluous, either. Consider what details you can add to the house to tell the reader about the psychology of the owner, and how the protagonist can interpret them differently (to tell the reader about the protagonist). Your napkin wipe is a good example of this done well, providing a small amount of insight into the character.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate you taking the time to go into so much detail.

I won’t lie, it was a bit overwhelming at first but I can see what you mean, especially about the pacing and how my scenes move too quickly. I think I’ve been rushing to get through things instead of letting moments actually sit.

The grammar and punctuation stuff also makes sense—I’ll definitely go back and clean that up properly.

I really liked what you said about making emotions feel more active and using actions instead of just stating things. That part actually helped me see my writing a bit differently.

Overall, this was really helpful, thank you again for being honest with me.

@lizzyrose Listen to his/her @GhoulishTales advice. If you consistently apply at least 70% of his/her advice to your writing, your writing will approach the pro-level of a self-publishing.

Yeah, I get what you mean. Their feedback was actually really helpful, even if it felt like a lot at first

I’m definitely going to work on applying it, especially the pacing and making my scenes feel more grounded. I want to improve, so I’m taking it seriously.

Thanks for pointing that out, I appreciate it.

Short questions: Why did you choose the mature genre? How relevant is the mature genre to your story?

I chose the mature genre because of the kind of themes I want to explore as the story goes on.

It’s not really about anything explicit, but more about deeper emotions and more serious situations between the characters. So it does fit the story, even if it’s not very obvious at the beginning.

 

[TheIcMan]

I'd actually like to comment on your synopsis. For once I decided to check it, mostly because of Eldoria's comment on the mature tag. And boy is it vague posting to the max. It's actually not that bad, but I'd like you to actually explain what that one small moment of courage is to make the story unique instead of one of the krillions out there

 

[Eldoria]

I won’t lie, it was a bit overwhelming at first but I can see what you mean, especially about the pacing and how my scenes move too quickly. I think I’ve been rushing to get through things instead of letting moments actually sit.

As I suspected, you're still too young for honest, constructive, and blunt feedback. Initially, I wanted to offer such feedback. But I backed off after seeing your age profile, which was too young.

I know that kind of feedback can backfire. Young authors need more growth. Too harsh criticism might demotivate them. Instead, I'd probably encourage you to write more and let you experiment with your narrative. I'd let experience guide you until you figure out what writing style works best for you.

I chose the mature genre because of the kind of themes I want to explore as the story goes on.

It’s not really about anything explicit, but more about deeper emotions and more serious situations between the characters. So it does fit the story, even if it’s not very obvious at the beginning.

Well, regarding the mature genre, that's less relevant to your fiction. This genre is more appropriate for depicting a harsh and honest adult world. Therefore, mature scenes, such as violence and sexual encounters, are usually included in the mature genre. If you label your fiction as mature, readers might search for 'mature scenes'.

If you want to depict adult romance, the josei genre is more realistic and relevant in the context of your fiction.

 

[GhoulishTales]

Thank you for this, I really appreciate you taking the time to go into so much detail.

I won’t lie, it was a bit overwhelming at first but I can see what you mean, especially about the pacing and how my scenes move too quickly. I think I’ve been rushing to get through things instead of letting moments actually sit.

I hope my feedback was not too overwhelming/harshly received; it was not intended that way. Anyone that takes the courage to put out stories into the world should be lauded for it, because it is definitely daunting to do.

As I suspected, you're still too young for honest, constructive, and blunt feedback. Initially, I wanted to offer such feedback. But I backed off after seeing your age profile, which was too young.

I know that kind of feedback can backfire. Young authors need more growth. Too harsh criticism might demotivate them. Instead, I'd probably encourage you to write more and let you experiment with your narrative. I'd let experience guide you until you figure out what writing style works best for you.

I didn't even look at the profile when I gave feedback, although I'm not necessarily sure I agree? Decades ago, when I was still in high school, I had an English teacher whose advice always stuck with me when it came to my writing. For every paper that we wrote in his class, he insisted that we draw a line down the middle of the page and then only write on the left of it. He then used the right-hand side of the page to go through our papers and thoroughly deconstruct everything we wrote, to the point that the pages were, in my memory, decorated in red like a Christmas tree. To this day, he remains one of the biggest inspirations for my writing, and he was far more thorough in his criticism than any other teacher I had, both before and since.

I think the fact that he was never negative in what he wrote, even if he was thorough, was what made the difference. It was really clear through the amount of effort he put into grading papers that he actually cared, and the criticism was well-intentioned, rather than purely there to discourage (I also don't want to think about how much time it must've taken him to give that much feedback to every student in retrospect).

Well, regarding the mature genre, that's less relevant to your fiction. This genre is more appropriate for depicting a harsh and honest adult world. Therefore, mature scenes, such as violence and sexual encounters, are usually included in the mature genre. If you label your fiction as mature, readers might search for 'mature scenes'.

If you want to depict adult romance, the josei genre is more realistic and relevant in the context of your fiction.

I do think there is value in labelling stories as Mature outside of "sex and violence." If I was writing a story about cult indoctrination from the perspective of the character being indoctrinated (as they are gradually isolated from friends and family and moved into the cult), I would tag that story as Mature, even if it featured no sex and violence at all. With that being said, I don't get the immediate sense that the author is going to be touching on subject material that would necessitate the Mature label, although the foundation is there for the story to potentially go that way.

 

[Eldoria]

I didn't even look at the profile when I gave feedback, although I'm not necessarily sure I agree? Decades ago, when I was still in high school, I had an English teacher whose advice always stuck with me when it came to my writing. For every paper that we wrote in his class, he insisted that we draw a line down the middle of the page and then only write on the left of it. He then used the right-hand side of the page to go through our papers and thoroughly deconstruct everything we wrote, to the point that the pages were, in my memory, decorated in red like a Christmas tree. To this day, he remains one of the biggest inspirations for my writing, and he was far more thorough in his criticism than any other teacher I had, both before and since.

I think the fact that he was never negative in what he wrote, even if he was thorough, was what made the difference. It was really clear through the amount of effort he put into grading papers that he actually cared, and the criticism was well-intentioned, rather than purely there to discourage (I also don't want to think about how much time it must've taken him to give that much feedback to every student in retrospect).

There are differences between in-person (real-world) social interactions and online interactions, which can lead to criticism being interpreted differently.

Furthermore, the author's age also determines how criticism will be responded to. Teenagers, for example, are in a phase of identity discovery, which can lead to psychological instability. If writing is viewed as a form of self-discovery, harsh criticism, even if constructive, can be perceived as a personal attack. A defensive response is a symptom.

I do think there is value in labelling stories as Mature outside of "sex and violence." If I was writing a story about cult indoctrination from the perspective of the character being indoctrinated (as they are gradually isolated from friends and family and moved into the cult), I would tag that story as Mature, even if it featured no sex and violence at all. With that being said, I don't get the immediate sense that the author is going to be touching on subject material that would necessitate the Mature label, although the foundation is there for the story to potentially go that way.

I quote Google results:

A mature genre, often labeled 17+ or M (Mature), refers to media (books, games, films) designed for adults rather than children or teenagers, focusing on complex themes like psychological trauma, intense violence, sexual content, or dark humor. It is distinguished by depth, nuance, and realistic depictions of difficult subjects rather than just explicit material.

 

[lizzyrose]

Thanks so much for the extra thoughts!


Honestly, I didn’t take it the wrong way at all — I was really happy that you all took the time to read my story and give me such thoughtful, exclusive feedback.


About the synopsis: I actually intended to add a bit of mystery to hint at Rose’s emotional shift without giving everything away, but I can see now that it ended up feeling too vague instead of intriguing. I’m planning to update it soon so it better shows her stakes and what makes her story unique.


And just to clarify — I initially tagged the story Mature because I considered including some adult content, but I’ve decided not to go that direction, so I’ll be removing the Mature tag. The focus will stay on emotions, drama, and character growth instead.


Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts — it really means a lot!