I'll skip giving feedback on characters since I'd need more to work with than what is shown to comment on characterisation.
SPaG:
There are many issues with the SPaG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) which would be easily amended by a spell-checker. I'm not going to harp on SPaG much, since it's an easily fixed issue, but I'll point out some obvious examples from the first chapter to illustrate what I mean.
The sentence construction of the opening sentence is clunky.
This line should have a colon in it, as follows:
You often miss punctuation marks in dialogue.
This line should be punctuated with a question mark, as follows:
There are also some cases of dialogue with opening, but not closing, quotation marks, as well as the reverse.
Then, as a narrative convention, here are some style recommendations:
- Use double quotations for dialogue, and single quotations for titles or 'air quotes.' Or, do the reverse. Either way, pick one type of quotation mark for one purpose and the other type of quotation mark for the other purpose, then stick to the decision. It ultimately doesn't matter which you pick (since British English does it one way and American English does it the other way), but the decision adds clarity to the text by communicating the difference through a clear delineation.
- You are writing in first person. Move character thoughts to italics and cut out the "he/she thought/reflected." This is more immersive as it makes the thoughts felt in the moment.
Neither of these are strictly necessary decisions (they are style based recommendations), but they should enhance the scene clarity.
Emotional Intensity:
You asked for feedback on emotional intensity, and so I'll focus on where exactly I think you can get the biggest improvement: the prose. You're writing in first person, and often in passive voice. Unless you are wanting the main character to come across as clinically depressed, the choice of passive voice severely weakens the scene intensity by making emotions less felt. If you want emotions to "land" as it were, then moving from passive to active voice is, in my opinion, a must. Consider the opening line. Instead of:
If the opening scene was something like:
The added motion makes the scene more "felt." You can then consider alternative adjectives to change the psychological framing of the scene. Do you want it to feel actively hostile? Something like "ghosted through the door," might achieve that. How unpleasant, exactly, do you want the air to feel? "Congealing at the feet" could make it really nasty. You get the idea.
I'd also argue that cutting out the thought might make it even stronger. Have the main character shiver, or hug their arms, to show the unpleasantness, rather than commenting on it. Save internal monologue for moments where it really matters.
Pacing and Situational Grounding:
This is, I feel, the place where the prose is weakest. Many web serial writers pace poorly in that their stories are too slow. You have the opposite problem: your writing reads more like an outline than a finished story. You often move between scenes too quickly, without grounding the reader in the scene, and the story feels like a lot of 'talking heads' as a consequence.
Consider the house in chapter 1. What does the building look like? What does the air smell like? How well lit are the rooms? What props are present in different places? We jump from the dining room to the bedroom in the space of a few words whilst barely establishing anything about either environment and the transition is jarring. If the intention is for the main character to be someone who doesn't notice details about the world around them, that's fine, but then that does need to be reflected throughout the story in other parts of their psychology.
However, even if this is the case, I'd still advise adding more detail than the detail which is currently present. It does not need to be superfluous, either. Consider what details you can add to the house to tell the reader about the psychology of the owner, and how the protagonist can interpret them differently (to tell the reader about the protagonist). Your napkin wipe is a good example of this done well, providing a small amount of insight into the character.
but I can see what you mean, especially about the pacing and how my scenes move too quickly. I think I’ve been rushing to get through things instead of letting moments actually sit.