Second-hand embarrassment check: Does my humor fit in a thriller or does it ruin the mood?"

[MissRiWrites]

Hey everyone,

I’m currently writing a psychological thriller/mystery Before the Storm Gathers – Prana , and I’m having one of those moments where I’m starting to hate everything I’ve written.

The story gets pretty heavy, so I’ve been trying to sprinkle in some comedic relief to stop it from being a total slog. But now I’m stuck in my own head about it. Every time I re-read the "funny" parts, I honestly get second-hand embarrassment. I genuinely can't tell if I'm actually balancing the mood or if I'm just killing the tension and being super "cringe" instead.

I’m worried I’m either making it way too depressing to read, or the humor is just totally jarring.

If anyone has a minute to check out a few chapters of Before the Storm Gathers – Prana and tell me if it’s working or if I’m just trying too hard, I’d be a lifesaver. Don't hold back—if it’s bad, tell me it’s bad. I’m just way too deep in the weeds with this thing to see it clearly anymore.

Just for an example here is the link but chapters are interconnected. That is why I have posted chapter 7 so it is more understandable Chapter 7- The Silken Shadow and Chapter 8- The Twerk Variable

Thanks, guys!!

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Can you give a link to a specific chapter/scene that's particularly giving you issue?

 

[Eldoria]

There are at least 2 narrative techniques you can use to wrap a psychological thriller with comedy:

(1) Using a comedian character as a narrator is unreliable for wrapping a psychological thriller plot. This is an advanced narrative technique because your narrative must be able to work on 2 layers of narrative simultaneously, the comedy layer on the surface and the psychological thriller layer under the carpet.

(2) Using a comic relief character to reduce tension. Sometimes you need a silly character who is out of place in a psychological thriller plot to give your readers a breather before continuing the tension of the story. This technique is relatively easy to apply without much modification to your narrative structure because you only need to add a clown character in the plot.

The story gets pretty heavy, so I’ve been trying to sprinkle in some comedic relief to stop it from being a total slog. But now I’m stuck in my own head about it. Every time I re-read the "funny" parts, I honestly get second-hand embarrassment. I genuinely can't tell if I'm actually balancing the mood or if I'm just killing the tension and being super "cringe" instead.

Why do you feel cringe-worthy? Honestly, I haven't read your chapter. I just suspect you're forcing the comedy scenes. So they feel unfunny (cringe-worthy). You need to make the comedy happen naturally/organically. How? Use comic relief or sitcoms. For sitcoms, you can provide an absurd payoff after a serious setup.

 

[MissRiWrites]

Can you give a link to a specific chapter/scene that's particularly giving you issue?

Yes but it is actually 2 interconnected chapters here- Chapter 7-Silken Shadow and Chapter 8- The Twerk Variable it is mainly in chapter 8

There are at least 2 narrative techniques you can use to wrap a psychological thriller with comedy:

(1) Using a comedian character as a narrator is unreliable for wrapping a psychological thriller plot. This is an advanced narrative technique because your narrative must be able to work on 2 layers of narrative simultaneously, the comedy layer on the surface and the psychological thriller layer under the carpet.

(2) Using a comic relief character to reduce tension. Sometimes you need a silly character who is out of place in a psychological thriller plot to give your readers a breather before continuing the tension of the story. This technique is relatively easy to apply without much modification to your narrative structure because you only need to add a clown character in the plot.

Why do you feel cringe-worthy? Honestly, I haven't read your chapter. I just suspect you're forcing the comedy scenes. So they feel unfunny (cringe-worthy). You need to make the comedy happen naturally/organically. How? Use comic relief or sitcoms. For sitcoms, you can provide an absurd payoff after a serious setup.

I feel like option 2 is more better for me! Thanks

 

[Eldoria]

The story gets pretty heavy, so I’ve been trying to sprinkle in some comedic relief to stop it from being a total slog. But now I’m stuck in my own head about it. Every time I re-read the "funny" parts, I honestly get second-hand embarrassment. I genuinely can't tell if I'm actually balancing the mood or if I'm just killing the tension and being super "cringe" instead.

Okay, I've read chapter 8. The comedy is indeed cringe. Why? Because you tell the comedy by describing a strange dance. The narrative feels odd because this chapter emphasizes tension. The comedy here feels like a foreign element that is irrelevant to the plot.

Furthermore, your narrative, which mixes showing and telling with hyperbolic narration, makes it feel dense. As a reader, my focus is diverted to understanding the prose rather than immersing myself in the scene.

 

[MissRiWrites]

Okay, I've read chapter 8. The comedy is indeed cringe. Why? Because you tell the comedy by describing a strange dance. The narrative feels odd because this chapter emphasizes tension. The comedy here feels like a foreign element that is irrelevant to the plot.

Furthermore, your narrative, which mixes showing and telling with hyperbolic narration, makes it feel dense. As a reader, my focus is diverted to understanding the prose rather than immersing myself in the scene.

Thanks for the honest advice eldoria. I will definitely look into it and try to improve!

 

[Bimbanana]

Hey everyone,

I’m currently writing a psychological thriller/mystery Before the Storm Gathers – Prana , and I’m having one of those moments where I’m starting to hate everything I’ve written.

The story gets pretty heavy, so I’ve been trying to sprinkle in some comedic relief to stop it from being a total slog. But now I’m stuck in my own head about it. Every time I re-read the "funny" parts, I honestly get second-hand embarrassment. I genuinely can't tell if I'm actually balancing the mood or if I'm just killing the tension and being super "cringe" instead.

I’m worried I’m either making it way too depressing to read, or the humor is just totally jarring.

If anyone has a minute to check out a few chapters of Before the Storm Gathers – Prana and tell me if it’s working or if I’m just trying too hard, I’d be a lifesaver. Don't hold back—if it’s bad, tell me it’s bad. I’m just way too deep in the weeds with this thing to see it clearly anymore.

Just for an example here is the link but chapters are interconnected. That is why I have posted chapter 7 so it is more understandable Chapter 7- The Silken Shadow and Chapter 8- The Twerk Variable

Thanks, guys!!

If you're not intended to write comedy and not confident with it, pro'lly better not

 

[Bimbanana]

I mean, your first 3 chapters didnt even have comedy in it. So none of your readers will walks forward expecting some comedy from you.

And the thing about comedy is, you're the first inspector for the joke quality control. If you yourself find it cringe, what about the others?

Comedy is... less universal than the most genre. Watching one people slip on the floor, you might laugh, your other friend might scolding you for laughing. Sucks right?

Meanwhile, if you treat it just as a sprinkle, it had a good chance to ruin your tension. Back again, your reader not there looking for the sprinkles. You write thriller/mystery, then go lean hard into it.

Imagine watching The Sixth Sense, but the director somehow decide to inject jokes when the tension is climbing. Gonna be sucks, no?


PS: Imo, before you asking around too much too far, you should adress the elephant in the room first. Your cover & synopsis.

 

[MissRiWrites]

I mean, your first 3 chapters didnt even have comedy in it. So none of your readers will walks forward expecting some comedy from you.

And the thing about comedy is, you're the first inspector for the joke quality control. If you yourself find it cringe, what about the others?

Comedy is... less universal than the most genre. Watching one people slip on the floor, you might laugh, your other friend might scolding you for laughing. Sucks right?

Meanwhile, if you treat it just as a sprinkle, it had a good chance to ruin your tension. Back again, your reader not there looking for the sprinkles. You write thriller/mystery, then go lean hard into it.

Imagine watching The Sixth Sense, but the director somehow decide to inject jokes when the tension is climbing. Gonna be sucks, no?


PS: Imo, before you asking around too much too far, you should adress the elephant in the room first. Your cover & synopsis.

But it fits the story and i founded it funny....although it gives me second hand embarrassment. IDK why I feel like it is a great way to connect with little ayush(my character name who just hided his trauma by lying he was.....twerking ) and I think that is a great way to break the tension so the story doesn't get to dark or exhaustive then again maybe the joke sucks ...What do you think?

 

[Bimbanana]

But it fits the story and i founded it funny....although it gives me second hand embarrassment. IDK why I feel like it is a great way to connect with little ayush(my character name who just hided his trauma by lying he was.....twerking ) and I think that is a great way to break the tension so the story doesn't get to dark or exhaustive then again maybe the joke sucks ...What do you think?

If it fits the story and you okay with it, then go forth and continue writing.
Next, is all about the readers response, and you can alway revised it in the future.

PS Again: Seriously, cover & synopsis. It makes me soooo itchy

 

[FRWriter]

As long as no one actually complains about cringe you shouldn't even think about it. Authors tend to be too self-critical.

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Okay, I've read chapter 8. The comedy is indeed cringe. Why? Because you tell the comedy by describing a strange dance. The narrative feels odd because this chapter emphasizes tension. The comedy here feels like a foreign element that is irrelevant to the plot.

Furthermore, your narrative, which mixes showing and telling with hyperbolic narration, makes it feel dense. As a reader, my focus is diverted to understanding the prose rather than immersing myself in the scene.

Eldoria is absolutely right, I just wanted to go into a bit more detail.

I read the bits you were talking about. I'm assuming that you were talking about the dance challenge.

So, here's the thing. There is nothing wrong with your humor. In a different situation, with the right pacing, that could have been a funny bit that readers would have enjoyed. So there's nothing wrong with your funny bone, medically speaking.

The problem is that it is at the wrong time, at the wrong place. You've just spent the entire last chapter building up a thriller-esque sort of tension. With a mysterious and seemingly supernatural dude. And you've created abject terror inside of your protagonist. So the audience isn't primed to find anything funny yet. To build up humor, you need to wait for a time/setting/buildup where the atmosphere helps your joke instead of working against it. And where the joke helps the plot, instead of distracting from it.

Here, you might as well have made Hannibal Lecter starting to do a tap-dance while in the middle of talking to agent Starling about the screaming of the lambs. Would Hannibal Lecter tapdancing ever be funny? Most certainly! In fact, even those movies have some amazing comedy scenes, like when he feed brains to the kid on the plane. But not when the scene is focused on something as intense as what you are trying to show.

For this scene, you don't need humor to liven it up. If the tone is getting too dark for where you want it, then just work on your pacing. Create little moments where the characters can decompress, or even veer into something a little lighter that isn't humor. Unless you are only veering because you think the audience will be uncomfortable without a set of keys jingling in front of them. In that case, work on trusting your reader a bit more than that.

So keep working on trying to integrate your humor. But next time, wait where a moment where it won't just be an annoying distraction from everything else you have going on.