Rising panic?

[CountVanBadger]

I just wrote this, and I'm not sure if it gets across the feeling of rising panic I'm shooting for. What do you guys think?

The werewolf’s fangs sank into the flesh of [spoiler character]'s shoulder as easily as they would the tenderest steak. Ice and fire flashed through her muscles at the same time, followed by a roaring pain that swallowed all coherent thought.
No, no, no, no! she was screaming inside her head.
The pain wasn’t the worst part, though. She was used to pain.
It was the bite itself.
Werewolf.
Bite.
Werewolf bite. Werewolf bite! WEREWOLF BITE!

 

[ViktorBloodfallen]

I don't get the feeling of panic. It feels satirical or comedic more than dreadful or panic inducing.

 

[Corty]

I also don't feel as much panic, but maybe it's because of missing context. But this makes me share my version of a panic-induced scene:

Siu simply lay there, sprawled out on his back, his eyes closed, his chest barely moving, but at least it was moving. His robes were soaked dark where the claws had punched clean through flesh, and looking into the wound, it was ugly. Under the hole, she could see the torn muscle, blood welling up in it and trickling out, even now when his body had shut down to conserve what little energy it had left. Scared, Arya jumped onto his chest at once, her paws pressing down on his chest, trying to thump it, over and over again, her ears flatter than ever.

“Hey—! No, no, no, no! Wake up! Master!” she yelled, audibly quipping and whining while pushing at him, sniffing frantically at his face. “Don’t you dare do this! I just pulled that thing’s eye out for you! I helped! You won! Wake up! You won, Master!”

 

[Eldoria]

Why don't you make the character grimace, struggle, and panic, then scream:

"Aarrgghh... shoulder-help! stop!" while crying.

 

[Shiriru_B]

I just wrote this, and I'm not sure if it gets across the feeling of rising panic I'm shooting for. What do you guys think?

what about swapping out werewolf bite with cursed instead? Might make it more dramatic if that's what you're looking for?

 

[Deleted member 34529]

Need to feel the infection crawling in the person's veins.

need the feel of unclean, like how a germaphobe feels, but it's inside you.

 

[CountVanBadger]

How's this?

“Ashes!” she cursed, raising her dagger to drive the blade into its eye.
But then she froze, everything—even the pain—seeming to fade.
She was fighting a werewolf.
And it had just bitten her.
And that meant…
No, she thought, her eyes widening and her pulse beginning to race. No, no, NO, NO, NO!

 

[Eldoria]

How's this?

If you want your reader to feel pain... you might consider showing the character's pain, such as flesh-tearing pain, bleeding arteries, slashed wounds, and graphic descriptions of pain.

Your readers might find themselves clutching their shoulders.

 

[Corty]

How's this?

Better.

I would also add some description of her, maybe trying to flail, get away, etc, a bit of flavor of what her body is doing.

 

[Grizzly18]

Rising panic implies time. As in starts small and shoots thru the roof. You have the injury and the freak out within a few sentences. Stretch it out a little more maybe a little more combat to distract your fmc from realizing what just happened as she slowly realizes what happened and starts to panic. Panic can be instant like the reaction after a bomb goes off but a werewolf bite is more like getting cancer or diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or Huntingtons. Some people freeze some get angry or start laughing but no one kills themselves in the doctors office after getting the news from the doctor. Progression not a starters pistol. Good luck ?

 

[JHarp]

The werewolf’s fangs sank into the flesh of [spoiler character]'s shoulder as easily as they would the tenderest steak. Ice and fire flashed through her muscles at the same time, followed by a roaring pain that swallowed all coherent thought.
No, no, no, no! she was screaming inside her head.
The pain wasn’t the worst part, though. She was used to pain.
It was the bite itself.
Werewolf.
Bite.
Werewolf bite. Werewolf bite! WEREWOLF BITE!

I'm unsure if people explained fully why this doesn't work, if someone did then sorry, I ramble. I like rewriting stuff to see how I'd go about it, hopefully that helps you.

That whole first line, ignoring how I have no frame of reference for the tone of your novel or any other information.
'sank into the flesh of the tenderest steak'
Is a line in itself that is too overly descriptive about the wrong things, the perspective it is read from focuses from the person *doing* the biting, so no panic or fear is present there.
People do mention the whole 'searing pain' part but you can actively push that further if you focus on the sensations themselves.

Maybe something like:
The werewolf bit down on their shoulder, the teeth sinking in deeper with every flail, every punch.
Failing to get space, the cold of the teeth, the burning of the wound both competing for attention.
Her arm soaked in blood, unresponsive.
Is the screaming her own.
A bite at the back of her mind.
Werewolf. WEREWOLF!
The grinding of teeth against bone joined by the sudden chill.


As a whole going through this, the key things some people will write when trying to build pressure in a scene is shorter sentences, while I'm personally a descriptive writer, so a bit weaker at the skill, you can generally shorten and obfuscate some parts of it.

In my original draft I first aimed at clearing up the perspective drift, the conflict of 'ice and fire' in the same sentence, the competing sensory details having potential to confuse people especially in a place where people can be English second language.

Theres also issues regarding stalling, explaining that 'she is used to pain' kills the screaming in the previous line, it sets up good information about the character, but at the same time ruins that momentum.
Repetition should mutate a bit, which is why ending with 4 uses of the word 'werewolf' can somewhat ruin things, the rule of three is good and you likely aimed for it, but the lines just before were a 4th instance, even if they are on their own lines.

After that it is figuring out what the character can do/see in that moment, your original version doesn't have a single physical action by the character, they don't punch, they don't back away, they don't physically respond at all, all the panic is internal, they don't struggle.
You don't have to name everything the character is doing, because that can detract from the scene, but unless you are writing the character as absolutely passive, people are going to try and get distance, struggle or fight back, and how they respond, even if you then explicitly state that the pain forces them to freeze, is now building that characters personality under stress.


Anyway I wish you luck, it can take a while to find a way to write what you want, back to my self imposed exile for another day.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

How's this?

Better. Both of your examples seem to go halfway - see if you can merge them.

The curse can sometimes be cured, by the way... sometimes. And sometimes the bite is not infectious. Sometimes...

 

[TinaMigarlo]

everyone watched the movie, but the book was better. Peter Benchley, JAWS.
all readers said the same thing. holy shit. this guy, spends like seven or more pages on just a couple seconds of attack.

it starts *before* the attack. a slight feeling something is amiss, but you dismiss it. ah, I'm just scaring myself. That's just a mouse skittering over some dry leaves, its nothing, be a big girl, grow... up! like I'm scared of the dark, sheesh.

then you hear *something*. don't even know what.

then you feel an *impact* like a giant cannonball slamming into you. there's big momentum. like a car wreck (been there, done that) it doesn't hurt... at first. shock.

you don't even realize what just happened. but now it registers. there's this giant blurry form, too close to focus on. giant glowing eyes. you can smell decaying flesh from the breath. you can feel pressure. you can see the world whipping around, see the stars swish in a blur from being worried around as the vise cranks down. deep back in the jaw, where the serious pressure is, not the sissy la la puncture pressure up front.

now, panic sets in. The adrenaline explodes. your heart goes from zero to bitch. 220+ BPM. you instinctively go for the eyes. pull at the tongue you can get to. grab blind for any weapon. dagger, rock, stick, anything. you push, kick, pull, try to pry, all in half a second. you scrape your feet off the lower neck and shoulders, but you cant dislodge it.

NOW you can finally scream. so hard your vocal cords shred rip tear. just like you can feel your body happening to it. you can hear crunching, bones breaking and snapping. you can actually *hear* the whine of tendons stretching like gumbands about to rip and snap. you feel those tendons *pop* off of bone attachment points. you can feel splinters of bone going through tearing muscles. you can feel muscle layers separating and tearing, like peeling a roast apart. you *are* the roast, now. you're dinner.

you can feel as much as hear a low staccato throbbing. the infrasonic event a tiger uses to stun its prey. (look up 'infrasonic, google') that's the saliva crackling and bubbling in the back of the large predators throat, and it paralyzes a victim with fear like a sonic attack all its own.

now you can feel the ice and fire, as the infection crawls in out of the saliva, injected into blood and tissue.
protip: maybe, they inject like snake venom through the canines? idea there.

it slowly releases the jaws. you can feel the daggers separate. feel the heat of the mouth decrease as the still night cool air once again hits the open wound. It towers over you and roars in your face, perhaps gloating before the final meal... bot no. It stand up. Howls. a signal to the pack that it found a meal. you know when its done, you get swallowed. slow. *alive*

but, it never comes. It just sniffs and snuffles over you, before... trotting all slow, off and goine. as quick as it happened, its over. It took seconds but it seemed like hours.

now, you lay there... and there's *more* descriptions. of the bleeding, wondering if you make it. will anyone find you. how long will it take to die.

--------------------------------------------
or something like that. am I really a writer? or do i just portray one on the internet.
your version? in smut terms... "yeah baby, I'm really giving it to you."
my version? just like that, but the complete opposite. *wink*
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see, and its my opinion, that's all. single sentence paragraph format does not lend itself well to what I just did. each of these things is at least a (trad length) paragraph or three. it makes for pages of bowel shuddering fear.

it makes the reader cringe at every little *click* in the night air. They're laughing, nervous to go outside to the garage and get something. because now they understand that their childish fear of the dark, never really went away. it just lays dormant within, waiting to be awoken, and...

shit, there I go again.


now? try to imagine my *smut*.... heh heh heh