New author wanting feedback

[Daemeay]

Hi !

I just posted the first two chapters (one prologue and one chapter really) of my story. I already outlined the whole story and I would like feedback on the first chapters to improve my writings as I go. Be brutally honest (but not mean please, I'm a softie). Please bear in mind I'm not a native English speaker, I'm French so you may find french tendencies such as the dialogue format. Thank you in advance c:

Dulmhak

They called her the Traitor, the Saviour, the Indecent, the Repentant, without ever really trying to understand her story. But before all that, she had been Serina Willhelm, a girl from the South who had been admitted on her merits to Eryndor, the best school in the world. And for...

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[Eldoria]

I just posted the first two chapters (one prologue and one chapter really) of my story. I already outlined the whole story and I would like feedback on the first chapters to improve my writings as I go. Be brutally honest (but not mean please, I'm a softie).

Well, I've read chapter 1. I'll try to be honest and gentle (I guess). To be fair, I'll give you one strength and one weakness of your narrative. (I'm also too lazy to write down every strength and weakness of your narrative. Lol)

In general, your narrative is easy to visualize. The atmosphere is quite lively. The description of the environment is enough to keep the reader grounded and avoid white space syndrome. This I can consider as a strength of your narrative.

Now I'll focus on one of the most crucial weaknesses. Honestly, I don't know why you use separators (—) to separate dialogue between characters. But your dialogue format is very prone to head hopping and even falling into talking head syndrome. Why?

Because your dialogue format requires readers to recognize unique voices of characters to simply identify who is speaking.

The problem is, web novel readers often have short attention spans. Don't bother memorizing your character's voices, they might close the chapter as soon as they wince, feeling lost.

Besides, your dialogue format is more like a drama dialogue script, but a drama dialogue script is easier to follow because each dialogue is labeled with the character's name.

Meanwhile, your dialogue format is too minimal. Readers might still be able to follow two characters speaking, but once three or more characters speak, they're very likely to lose focus.

Instead of imagining human conversation, readers might imagine a random recorded voice speaking alternately. This is what I call talking head syndrome. The solution?

You should label the characters speaking in each paragraph of dialogue. Well, I know name tags in dialogue are often considered unaesthetic, but in web novels, name tags really help readers navigate and identify speaking characters effectively, especially if more than two characters are speaking simultaneously.

Alternatively, you can use character action anchors as dialogue markers. Narrate action + dialogue. This action can be any action the character takes during dialogue.

In real life, almost no human being does nothing while speaking. When speaking, people usually participate in actions such as moving their limbs, interacting with their seats, or simply experiencing psychological reactions.

Additionally, you can also narrate actions during dialogue as body language to convey subtle emotions.

For example, instead of narrating raw emotions during dialogue like:

"No... no... I don't want to go," Barry said anxiously.

You can narrate subtle emotions in dialogue like this:

Barry shook his head. "No... no..." His voice was hoarse. "I don't want to go."

This way, the dialogue between characters will feel more organic and alive.

Well, this is a little feedback from me.

Regards.

 

[Daemeay]

Well, I've read chapter 1. I'll try to be honest and gentle (I guess). To be fair, I'll give you one strength and one weakness of your narrative. (I'm also too lazy to write down every strength and weakness of your narrative. Lol)

In general, your narrative is easy to visualize. The atmosphere is quite lively. The description of the environment is enough to keep the reader grounded and avoid white space syndrome. This I can consider as a strength of your narrative.

Now I'll focus on one of the most crucial weaknesses. Honestly, I don't know why you use separators (—) to separate dialogue between characters. But your dialogue format is very prone to head hopping and even falling into talking head syndrome. Why?

Because your dialogue format requires readers to recognize unique voices of characters to simply identify who is speaking.

The problem is, web novel readers often have short attention spans. Don't bother memorizing your character's voices, they might close the chapter as soon as they wince, feeling lost.

Besides, your dialogue format is more like a drama dialogue script, but a drama dialogue script is easier to follow because each dialogue is labeled with the character's name.

Meanwhile, your dialogue format is too minimal. Readers might still be able to follow two characters speaking, but once three or more characters speak, they're very likely to lose focus.

Instead of imagining human conversation, readers might imagine a random recorded voice speaking alternately. This is what I call talking head syndrome. The solution?

You should label the characters speaking in each paragraph of dialogue. Well, I know name tags in dialogue are often considered unaesthetic, but in web novels, name tags really help readers navigate and identify speaking characters effectively, especially if more than two characters are speaking simultaneously.

Alternatively, you can use character action anchors as dialogue markers. Narrate action + dialogue. This action can be any action the character takes during dialogue.

In real life, almost no human being does nothing while speaking. When speaking, people usually participate in actions such as moving their limbs, interacting with their seats, or simply experiencing psychological reactions.

Additionally, you can also narrate actions during dialogue as body language to convey subtle emotions.

This way, the dialogue between characters will feel more organic and alive.

Well, this is a little feedback from me.

Regards.

Thank you so much for your feedback! <3

I use the em dash (—) because it’s the standard for dialogue in French, so I’m veeeeery used to it, haha, for example:

« J’aime enseigner le français, dit Alexa. Cela m’apporte de la joie.
— Et j’aime l’apprendre ! dit Daniel. »

When I translated my French work, I didn’t realise it would feel so different in English, since I read a lot in English but never really paid attention to that detail. I’ll change this soon so it’s clearer and doesn’t confuse anyone, thank you for pointing it out.

I’m personally not a big fan of name tags (they’re my number one red flag as a reader), so I tend to rely on character actions to show who is talking, like here:

“Serina, are you alright? Hello, Earth!
— I passed the tests, it’s all thanks to you! And I’ve checked, I can go to the local school! Have you seen your ranking? You said you’d done well, are you in the top 1,000?” Anwyn asked excitedly.
— I bet Frank you would be, make me win,” Jaren laughed.

That’s why your comment surprised me a bit, haha — I didn’t think I needed more, because I’m used to this style in French. But I totally see what you mean; I’ve also had that feeling of getting lost when reading dialogue with no anchors at all. I’ll add more anchors in my text, and adjust the punctuation, so it’s easier to follow. Thank you again for taking the time to explain it so clearly!