I just posted the first two chapters (one prologue and one chapter really) of my story. I already outlined the whole story and I would like feedback on the first chapters to improve my writings as I go. Be brutally honest (but not mean please, I'm a softie).
Well, I've read chapter 1. I'll try to be honest and gentle (I guess). To be fair, I'll give you one strength and one weakness of your narrative. (I'm also too lazy to write down every strength and weakness of your narrative. Lol)
In general, your narrative is easy to visualize. The atmosphere is quite lively. The description of the environment is enough to keep the reader grounded and avoid white space syndrome. This I can consider as a strength of your narrative.
Now I'll focus on one of the most crucial weaknesses. Honestly, I don't know why you use separators (—) to separate dialogue between characters. But your dialogue format is very prone to head hopping and even falling into talking head syndrome. Why?
Because your dialogue format requires readers to recognize unique voices of characters to simply identify who is speaking.
The problem is, web novel readers often have short attention spans. Don't bother memorizing your character's voices, they might close the chapter as soon as they wince, feeling lost.
Besides, your dialogue format is more like a drama dialogue script, but a drama dialogue script is easier to follow because each dialogue is labeled with the character's name.
Meanwhile, your dialogue format is too minimal. Readers might still be able to follow two characters speaking, but once three or more characters speak, they're very likely to lose focus.
Instead of imagining human conversation, readers might imagine a random recorded voice speaking alternately. This is what I call talking head syndrome. The solution?
You should label the characters speaking in each paragraph of dialogue. Well, I know name tags in dialogue are often considered unaesthetic, but in web novels, name tags really help readers navigate and identify speaking characters effectively, especially if more than two characters are speaking simultaneously.
Alternatively, you can use character action anchors as dialogue markers. Narrate
action + dialogue. This action can be any action the character takes during dialogue.
In real life, almost no human being does nothing while speaking. When speaking, people usually participate in actions such as moving their limbs, interacting with their seats, or simply experiencing psychological reactions.
Additionally, you can also narrate actions during dialogue as body language to convey subtle emotions.
For example, instead of narrating raw emotions during dialogue like:
"No... no... I don't want to go," Barry said anxiously.
You can narrate subtle emotions in dialogue like this:
Barry shook his head. "No... no..." His voice was hoarse. "I don't want to go."
This way, the dialogue between characters will feel more organic and alive.
Well, this is a little feedback from me.
Regards.
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