My First WN...

[Vars_Vallen]

Sup! Well, this is the first time I create a web novel, and to be honest i believe that still many mistakes and errors are present here, so feel free to read it, and please give me feedback and critique for the story.

The Man Who Sold The World
Synopsis
1918, Reinhart-Albert von Rauch, killed in arms in the field of Amiens. A professor, also a noble officer, who saw his world as a failing equation. In the afterlife, he was granted peace, the dream he longed for.

Reincarnated as Alaric, son of a farmer. He lived peacefully in the world of fantasy and magic, Avalorn, yet did his peaceful life last? or all the same in Earth nor Avalorn? Will he be dragged to war and lose everything again?

Genre
Action, Fantasy, Isekai, Historical, Seinen.

The Man Who Sold the World

France, 1918. Reinhart-Albert von Rauch - noble army officer, professor of history and philology, and a weary soldier, falls in the blood-soaked trenches of Amiens. He died as he live: battered, and broken as the arithmetic of war turn on his beloved Empire. In the void of afterlife, fate...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Inspired by David Bowie or Nirvana?

 

[Vars_Vallen]

Inspired by David Bowie or Nirvana?

Both. lol. But it was Bowie when i write the first chapter.

 

[Eldoria]

This thread should be placed in the feedback section so volunteer reviewers can easily find it, dude.

 

[Vars_Vallen]

This thread should be placed in the feedback section so volunteer reviewers can easily find it, dude.

Okay, thanks for your guidance, man.

 

[Grizzly18]

Okay first off you need to change the name of the world. Avalorn? Seriously? I tried to type it in and autocorrect automatically changed it to Avalon. You know that mystical realm related to the King Arthur myth? You added a single letter. Very Original. Alaric is okay and falls into the Germanic style you’re going for but you may want to go for something more otherworldly since you know it’s another world.
Also (killed in arms in the field of Amiens). You maybe want to reread that? Maybe “killed in the trenches near Amiens”?

Unbalanced equation instead of failing.

Put the in front of son of a farmer.

He lived peacefully in the world of fantasy and magic, Avalorn, yet did his peaceful life last? or all the same in Earth nor Avalorn?

First current tense not past. So lives. Will not did. Or will it all be. Not or all the. Or all the doesn’t make any sense and don’t start sentences on conjunctions.

Your actual chapters are very well written. What the hell happened with the synopsis?

My only real complaint is that the title could use some workshopping. Besides the MC’s comment in the first chapter is it really going to apply to the rest of the story?

Good luck. You’re actual style and prose is the chapters is rather good and you’re very accurate with your historical details.

 

[Vars_Vallen]

Okay first off you need to change the name of the world. Avalorn? Seriously? I tried to type it in and autocorrect automatically changed it to Avalon. You know that mystical realm related to the King Arthur myth? You added a single letter. Very Original. Alaric is okay and falls into the Germanic style you’re going for but you may want to go for something more otherworldly since you know it’s another world.
Also (killed in arms in the field of Amiens). You maybe want to reread that? Maybe “killed in the trenches near Amiens”?

Unbalanced equation instead of failing.

Put the in front of son of a farmer.

He lived peacefully in the world of fantasy and magic, Avalorn, yet did his peaceful life last? or all the same in Earth nor Avalorn?

First current tense not past. So lives. Will not did. Or will it all be. Not or all the. Or all the doesn’t make any sense and don’t start sentences on conjunctions.

Your actual chapters are very well written. What the hell happened with the synopsis?

My only real complaint is that the title could use some workshopping. Besides the MC’s comment in the first chapter, is it really going to apply to the rest of the story?

Good luck. You’re actual style and prose is the chapters is rather good and you’re very accurate with your historical details.

Well, thanks for commenting, from the name of the world, you are right, Avalon is from Athurian legend, a paradise world where the sword 'Excalibur' is forge (please correct me if im wrong), yet the 'r', is not a mistake, because it taken from the old english word 'Lorn' (Forsaken) just in 'Veloren' (Lost) in Germany, or Forlorn in english. So, philosophically speaking, I wanted to tell the reader whether this world is a Paradise (Avalon) or just a forsaken world (Lorn). So, i will not change the world name.

And about the Synopsis, well, I wrote it too hastily when the day of the 'Beta Test' of my Web Novel was launched, so. Yeah, I will not argue that many mistakes are visible in the Synopsis, but the point is, I wanted to show the Uncertainty of the world I built. Thank you for your suggestion, I will fix it ASAP.

About the title itself, yes, I will try my best too. Because, well, the main plot of the Story is about the man who wants to change the 'Isekai' world he lives in, and he had a conflict about his past lives on Earth and his current lives in Avalon.

And to be honest, the world itself is pretty much like our world, from the languages perspective and some historical pagan culture, but with some myths in geography and race. So, sorry to say that, the world it self it not so Original like what Tolkien or R.R Martin made.

Sorry for my broken English, and thank you very much man, your comment really helps me a lot!!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Well, thanks for commenting, from the name of the world, you are right, Avalon is from Athurian legend, a paradise world where the sword 'Excalibur' is forge (please correct me if im wrong),

Avalon (Isle of Apples) is where the dying Arthur was taken to recover and await his time of return. It is kind of another realm (Earth, Otherworld and the home of the Tuatha de Danaan, the "gods" of the Celtic mythos - but also modified due to that upstart religion Christianity.
Exactly where Caled Bolg (Excalibur - the "sword from stone") is never explicitly stated in any version (though that is only about seven of the 200 out there) of the Arthurian Cycle I've read (and it's even tougher to pin down some elements because several of the stories of the Paladins of Charlemagne and the Knights of the Table Round wound up jumbled together over the years). Avalon is as likely a place as any for it to have originated (or it was made by a British smith, as Jack Whyte described in The Skystone - one of the two fairly recent attempts to create a likely historical Arthur, the other being Bernard Cornwall's series that I'm blanking on the title to - and it was even the basis for a TV series).

And to be honest, the world itself is pretty much like our world, from the languages perspective and some historical pagan culture, but with some myths in geography and race. So, sorry to say that, the world it self it not so Original like what Tolkien or R.R Martin made.

Neither JRRT nor GRRM created their worlds out of whole cloth. Tolkien relied heavily on Norse, early Christian, and a few South African myths and legends to create his world (which he also seems to have visited, if you read his essays on "Fairyland" - Middle Earth was, in his view, a world "between" the original Creation of Earth and the start of modern history - modern history begins after the Elves all left the world for their Place to the West - note that Avalon is also to the West of England).
Martin took the advice I've seen attributed to many different people over the years: "When in doubt, steal from the best" - If you look carefully you can find elements taken either directly or piecemeal from over a dozen other authors (including Tolkien, and H. P. Lovecraft - the patron of the Greyjoy clan is Cthulhu!) scattered around his works.