Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Makimaam]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

Chapter 1

“...Nothing much,” Bomi smirked. “It’s just, you keep acting like I’m some kind of monster who needs to be taken care of… You’re looking at me with the same eyes as someone looking at a heaping pile of shit and piss… But from the way I’m standing, you’re way worse than a pile of shit like me… You can try to play the hero act all you want but I see through you! We all do! You goddamn murderer!”

Hard to believe some lowlife facing a supposed “demon” would yap so much instead of begging for his life.

The opening chapter is bogged down with too much dialogue from uninteresting characters. It dragged my attention away and made me wonder when the hell this boring exchange was going to end, as it hammered the fact that Akuma is demon skin blah blah over and over again.

I do like a bit of personality shown through the prose. I don’t like the choice of perspective. It is limited third person-ish, which more often than not slips into an omniscient perspective when we are not completely in Akuma’s head but are instead forced to dangle between characters that may or may not be relevant. Who cares what a one note thug thinks, especially when you wrote paragraph-length dialogue for him?

In this kind of work, immersion would help the reader relate to Akuma more and follow his journey. Right now, we are just reading a story about a distant, sometimes edgy MC, not actually with him.

The ending was not a hook. The chapter spent too long with Akuma dealing with a silly villain. Sure, it did establish his power, his motivation, his alienation. But it fails to give me a reason to click next. A tormented, misunderstood hero is not a new concept. We are not deep in Akuma’s mind enough to root for him next either.

 

[GreenStudio]

No, no, no

I still wanted your heels and whip validation miss Makimaam.

There's a different excitement from it

How did you change the title under your name and pfp?

Chapter 1

Hard to believe some lowlife facing a supposed “demon” would yap so much instead of begging for his life.

The opening chapter is bogged down with too much dialogue from uninteresting characters. It dragged my attention away and made me wonder when the hell this boring exchange was going to end, as it hammered the fact that Akuma is demon skin blah blah over and over again.

I do like a bit of personality shown through the prose. I don’t like the choice of perspective. It is limited third person-ish, which more often than not slips into an omniscient perspective when we are not completely in Akuma’s head but are instead forced to dangle between characters that may or may not be relevant. Who cares what a one note thug thinks, especially when you wrote paragraph-length dialogue for him?

In this kind of work, immersion would help the reader relate to Akuma more and follow his journey. Right now, we are just reading a story about a distant, sometimes edgy MC, not actually with him.

The ending was not a hook. The chapter spent too long with Akuma dealing with a silly villain. Sure, it did establish his power, his motivation, his alienation. But it fails to give me a reason to click next. A tormented, misunderstood hero is not a new concept. We are not deep in Akuma’s mind enough to root for him next either.

I wanna say thanks for taking the time to read my story.

 

[Rosica]

How did you change the title under your name and pfp?

Carefully. Post like, 50 messages before you unlock the feature in account details.

 

[GreenStudio]

Carefully. Post like, 50 messages before you unlock the feature in account details.

Why did orcboy withhold this information from me?

 

[Makimaam]

How did you change the title under your name and pfp?

This is an interesting perspective.

First, I wanna say thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Second, I completely understand your take on the dialogue. However, the boring banter between the background characters is kinda the point. The build-up towards Akuma clapping to stop their pointless talking only works because they're well... pointless. I imagine that if he did that after they only said a few words, it'd just be dramatic just for the sake of it, no?

Third, I appreciate the compliment on the prose. As for the reader not being with Akuma, that was intentional. In the later chapters, you gradually realize that Akuma doesn't understand human emotions and files them off as mechanical processes. In fact, he sees everything as just a process and is distant with everything. He's not even able to understand his own emotions.

Naturally, his walls begin to crumble as his journey continues.

Fourth...

I have to agree with you on this one. Akuma is by no means anything "unique" or different on paper. My goal was to show how even a seemingly ordinary boy can be alienated just because of one thing. And like I said before, you're not supposed to be in his mind this early, because he himself isn't even in it.

So, if after establishing those things, you don't feel the need to click next, I completely understand.

To clarify, this is all respect. I am eternally grateful to anyone who shares their opinion. I will use this to better my work.

Forgot to mention this part but he's not exactly a "lowlife." In the later chapters, you find out why the criminals in that part of the town are so deranged.

I don’t usually engage in back and forth debate about a story I review. But what I’d like to tell you is that all of your responses to my feedback come from an author’s perspective, someone who already has an idea of where the story goes and what the character is. The dialogue was not only long but also cringe and expository.

Would you expect a new potential reader to take their time coming up with what-ifs to defend something that already feels jarring to read?

Your synopsis is your sales pitch. Your opening chapter is your sales pitch. If you drag your readers through boring content before telling them why they should read your story, you won’t be able to sell your product, no matter how good the actual quality is.

 

[GreenStudio]

I don’t usually engage in back and forth debate about a story I review. But what I’d like to tell you is that all of your responses to my feedback come from an author’s perspective, someone who already has an idea of where the story goes and what the character is. The dialogue was not only long but also cringe and expository.

Would you expect a new potential reader to take their time coming up with what-ifs to defend something that already feels jarring to read?

Your synopsis is your sales pitch. Your opening chapter is your sales pitch. If you drag your readers through boring content before telling them why they should read your story, you won’t be able to sell your product, no matter how good the actual quality is.

I see your point. I'll definitely look it over once again and see what I can do.

And sorry if it came off as debating, I really was just curious.

 

[Lufli]

Hey. Do you also take single-chapter excerpts, since I haven't published any story yet?