I’ll Critique Your First Chapter’s Hook (Honest Feedback)

Fallow_

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Hey,

I’ve been thinking a lot about story openings, especially how quickly a reader decides whether to continue or drop something.

With attention spans getting shorter, I want to focus specifically on hook strength, particularly in the first 5–6 lines, and then how the rest of the chapter maintains that interest.

If you’d like, drop your first chapter below and I’ll give honest, slightly critical feedback focused on:
  • How strong the initial hook is
  • Where attention is gained or lost
  • Whether the opening makes me want to keep reading

The types of hooks I generally look for are:
  • Character
  • Scene
  • Theme
  • Curiosity
  • Question
  • Promise
From what I’ve seen, the strongest openings usually combine 3 or more of these.

I’ll mainly focus on hook effectiveness rather than grammar or line-level writing, this is more about reader engagement than polish.

If you have time, you’re also welcome to check out my first chapter and share your thoughts, but no pressure.

Thought this might be useful for others working on their openings.
 

Alski

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code_sike

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I'm in the process of revising my first few chapters, so what's on the site is still pretty much the one I wrote a year ago. But I feel like my hook (and story in general) has potential...then it proceeds to drag on a bit too much by the 2nd chapter. What are your thoughts?
 

Fallow_

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I left the 5-6 fishing lines out so you could rate the hook without any other context.
Strong hook.

Bit concerned the reader doesn’t get a choice anymore.
I'm in the process of revising my first few chapters, so what's on the site is still pretty much the one I wrote a year ago. But I feel like my hook (and story in general) has potential...then it proceeds to drag on a bit too much by the 2nd chapter. What are your thoughts?
Alright, I’m gonna be honest with you.

First off, the cover isn’t doing you any favors. It just doesn’t grab attention. Same with the title and synopsis, they’re not bad, but they feel pretty average, nothing that really pulls someone in.

That said, I did check your first chapter. It starts off a bit "odd" , but this line:

“In Math she’d be fiddling with her calculator - and I swear on my life one time it floated.”

That line is gold. That’s what hooked me. That’s the moment I got interested and decided to keep reading.

But then Chapter One suddenly drops in the middle of that flow, and it completely breaks the momentum. And after that, the whole “normal day” sequence drags it down even more. It kills the curiosity you just built.

Overall, I’d say your hook for the first chapter sits around a 6/10. And honestly, that hook is mostly coming from two things: the character of Amy Vasser (which is doing like 5 points of the heavy lifting) and the question of ghosts (maybe 1 point). Everything else is either neutral or pulling it down.

Also, the spacing between sentences feels really jarring. It makes the reading experience a bit awkward and breaks immersion.

You’ve got a solid core idea, and that one line proves you can hook readers, you just need to present it better.
 
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CinnaSloth

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If you want to be scarred forever:


If you want something tame:


If you just happen to know what Hololive is:
 

c37

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Well, if you want something with a short goal and a hook. I'll leave my novel here, but I have to revamp my initial chapters, I was just a beginner while writing those. here
 

Nevafrost

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Here goes my unpublished novel.


Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What's happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?" Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling. "I'm so proud of you."

Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That's normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don't you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It's not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That's spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It's interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew," she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
 

Fallow_

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If you want something tame:
Hey, I read the opening chapter of your isesekai novel.

First, your cover is genuinely strong and eye-catching, and your synopsis is even better. It actually builds curiosity and sets the tone properly. The title, I’m a bit mixed on. (Its bad)

Now for the hook itself. You’re doing a lot right. The character work is strong right from the start, Minnow especially has presence, and the dynamic between the two carries the scene well. The opening situation is engaging and easy to "visualize", so the scene works.

There’s also clear emotional layering with grief and past relationships, which adds depth, and the curiosity is definitely there.

Where it falls short a bit is direction. There isn’t a sharp central question or a clear sense of what the story is building toward yet. It feels more like a strong character driven opening than a clear narrative hook with a promise.

Overall, I’d rate the hook around 7.5 out of 10. It’s good and definitely keeps interest, mainly because of the characters and their chemistry. If you make the direction a bit clearer early on, this could easily become a much stronger hook.

You’re close to something really solid here.
 

CinnaSloth

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Hey, I read the opening chapter of your isesekai novel.

First, your cover is genuinely strong and eye-catching, and your synopsis is even better. It actually builds curiosity and sets the tone properly. The title, I’m a bit mixed on. (Its bad)

Now for the hook itself. You’re doing a lot right. The character work is strong right from the start, Minnow especially has presence, and the dynamic between the two carries the scene well. The opening situation is engaging and easy to "visualize", so the scene works.

There’s also clear emotional layering with grief and past relationships, which adds depth, and the curiosity is definitely there.

Where it falls short a bit is direction. There isn’t a sharp central question or a clear sense of what the story is building toward yet. It feels more like a strong character driven opening than a clear narrative hook with a promise.

Overall, I’d rate the hook around 7.5 out of 10. It’s good and definitely keeps interest, mainly because of the characters and their chemistry. If you make the direction a bit clearer early on, this could easily become a much stronger hook.

You’re close to something really solid here.
lol thank you very much!!

the book was originally a joke on isekai as a genre, full of drama, and tragedy, and oops doesnt matter! dead. lol
but the first chapter was a bit long, so i cut it at the best part i could. -chapter 2 being the end of chapter 1.
after chapter "2".. chapters 3 and on all end in the Mc dying in some random fashion.
but somewhere down the line I thought "it has to get big!! and epic!!! and-" dead again.
or at least that was the idea. But surprisingly people liked it, and it just turned into a normal novel instead of a proper satire/ parody.
"Ise-se-kai 20" being the 'stuttering fool' of "isekai" novels, along with the number of promised deaths within the storyline. :blobrofl:

But 7.5/10 is a great score nonetheless i think!
 

Rolanov

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I'm sorry if my post is unrelated, but I want to say, your profile picture is neat, i like it! :blob_hide:
 

Eldoria

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Please try mine, dude. Thanks :blob_melt:

 
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