I've read three of your chapters. My general impression is that your chapters tend to be expository (telling) with the narrator delivering worldbuilding, characterization, plot, and conflict rather than letting the scenes speak for themselves (immersion though showing).
In the prologue, your narrative uses a limited third POV, but the narrative is delivered through the narrator's voice. As a result, the characters feel like plot devices rather than living characters. The reader here merely plays the role of a passive listener.
In chapter 1, the narrative uses the first POV, and the narrator is inherently the protagonist of the chapter. However, unfortunately, the narrator explains events (plot) too much rather than letting the reader experience them. As a result, this narrative creates a distance, as if the reader is just listening to someone else's story.
For example, the narrative explains hunger by explicitly giving a meta-comment, I'm hungry. This scene is quite important in the plot structure of chapter 1. This narrative should be conveyed through showing the characters' physiological reaction, body language, and monologues, such as stomach acid stabbing, hands holding his stomach, and the character groaning and cursing.
Furthermore, in chapter 1, the narrative focuses too much on the characters' internal thoughts, resulting in a lack of texture. I even have a hard time visualizing where a character is standing in a scene. Narration does provide a setting, but the setting is often general/abstract, not concrete.
The narrative "I'm sitting at the bus stop" is abstract. Readers need to visualize hard. Where is the bus stop? Where is the character sitting? What is the character looking at?
But the narrative "I'm sitting on a metal bench, staring at the asphalt road" is a concrete narrative. Readers can easily visualize it.
You need to provide texture to the environment, at least provide texture to the setting where the character is in a scene. Describe the ground they step on, the air they breathe, and the objects the character sees as far as the eye can see. This makes the atmosphere of the scene feel alive.
In Chapter 2, the narrative is quite good. Character "I" here feels more organically interacting with the other characters and their environment. The dialogue is also quite lively.
Unfortunately, the narrative also provides exposition. In this case, I highlight the character "I", providing exposition to other characters. This makes the other characters feel shallow. You should be able to depict other characters more expressively through their interactions with the protagonist. Enrich body language and subtext in the dialogue.
For example, you could let the casual flirting (joking) scene be depicted and narrated in a more expressive dialogue between the younger sister (I forgot her name) and the protagonist, instead of summarizing it through exposition of us teasing each other before leaving. That way, readers can get to know the other characters' personalities organically.
Okay, this is a little feedback from me. Consider it a causal reader's comment after a single read. You can consider it or not.
Regards
