Equivalent Exchange Feedback Machine

[Svary6]

Hello there, this is my introductory post, so I'll introduce myself...

Hello, my name is Svary!

Now that introductions are out of the way, I wanted to get some feedback on the story I'm writing, 'Fire and Light'.

Here!

The first chapter is pretty long, at 6500 words or so, but each subsequent chapter is pretty steadily at around 2500 words.

Now here's the schtick - I know it's unfair to just waltz in here expecting feedback from everyone, and so I'm offering the same to everyone who replies! Even if you don't decide to read my current selection of chapters.

I will mostly be replying to you here or in direct messages, but if I find myself especially full of thoughts to say, I might even post a review!

I don't have infinite time, and so I'll do my best to read around 10k words, or if that ends in the middle of some plot development/arc, a bit more than that till it finishes.

I am open to read mostly anything, though I'd like to avoid LitRPG (unless you think it's exceptional and original, not just solo leveling 2.0), smut is a no-go.
My favorite stuff is Frieren-like adventure stuff, or just adventuring in general. Although I do dabble in some good action, intrigue, or mystery. I like my light stuff, but if you have a dark fantasy or something grimdark, and think it will catch my eye, go ahead!

I'm not the most sophisticated reader, so I don't expect works on the level of the greats, but do make sure it is at least something you'd read yourself!

I will do my best to read all the responses I do get, but I am not a machine, so my response time may be slow and limited, and I might get picky!

Now that my preferences are set out, I'll pitch my pitch. :)
My book, currently releasing and at the end of its first mini-arc, is such:

Two young mages, one nearly a man, one a young girl meet each other by simple chance. A mage already a rare sight, one not bound and turned to an imperial soldier doubly so. Both yearn for a purpose and find it in one another, and together they adventure to find what they had both lost, and to discover parts of themselves they had forgotten. With each other by their side, the world is bright, but the looming shadow of mortal danger follows them with every step, and they are not ignorant of the press of death. A beautiful and fun adventure which may turn into a battle to the death and survival at any point, but one they go on happily, because it's more magical to be happier rather than sad.

And of course, the backdrop of their adventure is a magical system which forgoes any usual 'leveling up' and power levels, and focuses on imagination and interpretation as the basis of its power. A 'higher level' opponent can be beat by someone of lower output simply because the interpretation of their ability was beyond their own.

 

[Bane89]

Hello, I’m up for a feedback exchange.

I read the first chapter to start, and there’s a lot here that works. The atmosphere is strong, and I like how grounded the world feels — the market, the inn, the barkeep, the soldiers. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between Fire and the girl; there’s a quiet tenderness to the way he tries to reach her, and the small ways she reacts back.

Here are some thoughts from a reader’s perspective:

Chapter 1

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

Their bond forms quickly, which isn’t a bad thing, but it did make me wonder what in Fire’s past makes him so willing to take responsibility for her. Is it trauma? Altruism? A personal code? Even a small hint of his internal motivation would help anchor him early on.

The world itself feels surprisingly kind for what seems like a frontier settlement, the barkeep giving free juice to kids, Fire taking in a stranger, even the imperial captain trying to spare Fire before realizing he’s a mage. It gives the setting a gentler tone than I expected, which could be intentional, but it stood out.

The writing is descriptive and vivid; I could picture the streets and the inn clearly.

I'll read at least chapters 2 and 3 after work and give some additional feedback to get to the 10k words you're offering, but i wanted to get my chapter 1 thoughts out fresh.

I'd welcome your feedback on my story as well.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[code_sike]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

 

[Svary6]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

Hell yeah! I'll give your chapters a read and get back to ya when I can!

 

[code_sike]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

actually i'll just make a new comment.


Not a very experienced writer myself, of course, so take all this with some salt.

first thoughts (these will be mostly out of order):
- I like the premise. Plots like spyxfamily or last of us with the parent figure and child together make for a great dynamic, so this has a strong foundation.
- Your description of things is good (my biggest weakness, so i'm taking notes here) if a little short in places.
- dialogue is often by itself. This works fine when its Igni and the girl, but with the soldiers and vendors you should have something attributing them.
- certain repeats such as

She wanted to stay behind and hidden, like he usually would like.

The nameless girl was observing the interaction, faint interest painted over her eyes, before she started staring intently at the barkeep. He didn’t notice, however.

Fire and the nameless girl then made their way upstairs, into the cramped space separating all the available rooms of the inn.

He made his way to a door, which he unlocked with a key which he produced from his pocket, and then gestured into the room, letting the nameless girl take the leap.

(Could have just used 'her', or even had a part where he picks a name for her since she won't talk, to her dismay. Then of course he later goes back on that for 'Light')

Suddenly, the girl stood up by herself and dusted herself off, making him look up, as she was now standing taller than him. His smile grew a centimeter more and he stood up himself.

"Suddenly, the girl stood up and dusted herself off." is more concise. But it also doesn't show her reaction to Igni's declaration. If she isn't going to talk, her expressions are going to be crucial for characterization. if she's also stoic looking, even little twitches that Igni tries to interpret at first (then later on he could be able to read her better) works. His smiling reaction makes it seem like he's seeing more than we are.

Fire immediately took a swift step forward and slid in front of the girl. The muscles in his entire body instantly tensed up all at once.

here, just take out 'and slid', and just say "his entire body tensed [etc]"

- She seems to trust him very quickly, though for pacing/ it's just her nature / he gives off a trustworthy energy as a kindred spirit, it's fine.

All placed on a slightly round and soft face, which could only belong to a child.

- 'placed' and 'round' makes me think of a cute snowman!

Their shopping trip ended a little prematurely, as Fire led the girl away from the market, as non-suspiciously as he could.

- lines like these feel a bit long. Also, you could use 'inconspicuously'.
- You do a good job conveying how Igni is unsure about how to talk to the girl, but it comes out a bit much at times. He talks to her as if she's 10 or younger, which I would say mostly works.

She was quite young, possibly just entering her teen years.

- Before this, I was picturing slightly younger, although the cover image fixes that ig.

- you could cut a lot of these lines to be more concise. Some of the dialogue sounding medieval is a given, so that's fine. It just seems to add to the 6k, which I initially thought would turn off some readers, but you've got me beat by 200 views, so... (basically just look at sentences that stretch on and see how to shorten them. You're not hurting for word count here.)
- could combine parts together, whatever feels natural to you

as for the action:

- the actual moves are cool when you describe them.
- Grim is obviously cocky. I don't see a reason for him to try justifying himself to Igni, though, without even being prompted. I can't tell if he seriously cares if he kills anyone. This makes me think two things:
1. If he does care, his character would realistically just start explaining why Igni should willingly give up the girl. He has them trapped, so fighting to avoid escape isn't relevant. Igni would also start arguing back, maybe even to buy time against the threat
2. If he's taunting them, it's an odd way to do it.

- the pacing gets bogged down by things not being so concise. Otherwise I like it

For chapter 0, I give it an 8/10. and a new reader! I'll go over chp1 and 2 when I can.

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

I read it as Igni/Fire being one of those hard on the outside, soft inside types. Even before the memory plays, he considered the decision to approach Light.

 

[Svary6]

Hello, I’m up for a feedback exchange.

I read the first chapter to start, and there’s a lot here that works. The atmosphere is strong, and I like how grounded the world feels — the market, the inn, the barkeep, the soldiers. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between Fire and the girl; there’s a quiet tenderness to the way he tries to reach her, and the small ways she reacts back.

Here are some thoughts from a reader’s perspective:

Chapter 1

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

Their bond forms quickly, which isn’t a bad thing, but it did make me wonder what in Fire’s past makes him so willing to take responsibility for her. Is it trauma? Altruism? A personal code? Even a small hint of his internal motivation would help anchor him early on.

The world itself feels surprisingly kind for what seems like a frontier settlement, the barkeep giving free juice to kids, Fire taking in a stranger, even the imperial captain trying to spare Fire before realizing he’s a mage. It gives the setting a gentler tone than I expected, which could be intentional, but it stood out.

The writing is descriptive and vivid; I could picture the streets and the inn clearly.

I'll read at least chapters 2 and 3 after work and give some additional feedback to get to the 10k words you're offering, but i wanted to get my chapter 1 thoughts out fresh.

I'd welcome your feedback on my story as well.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello there, thank you very much! I shall also get back to you!

I'll try to get my reading done today!

Hello, I’m up for a feedback exchange.

I read the first chapter to start, and there’s a lot here that works. The atmosphere is strong, and I like how grounded the world feels — the market, the inn, the barkeep, the soldiers. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between Fire and the girl; there’s a quiet tenderness to the way he tries to reach her, and the small ways she reacts back.

Here are some thoughts from a reader’s perspective:

Chapter 1

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

Their bond forms quickly, which isn’t a bad thing, but it did make me wonder what in Fire’s past makes him so willing to take responsibility for her. Is it trauma? Altruism? A personal code? Even a small hint of his internal motivation would help anchor him early on.

The world itself feels surprisingly kind for what seems like a frontier settlement, the barkeep giving free juice to kids, Fire taking in a stranger, even the imperial captain trying to spare Fire before realizing he’s a mage. It gives the setting a gentler tone than I expected, which could be intentional, but it stood out.

The writing is descriptive and vivid; I could picture the streets and the inn clearly.

I'll read at least chapters 2 and 3 after work and give some additional feedback to get to the 10k words you're offering, but i wanted to get my chapter 1 thoughts out fresh.

I'd welcome your feedback on my story as well.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

Alrighty, ask, and you shall receive!

This was written on my phone, so my apologies for formatting mishaps.

I've written it mostly as a reader rather than a critic.

IN THE SEALS SHADOW


Chapter 1: tired eyes, blue like mine but different - different how? If this is trying to be mysterious, it reads as just not wanting to go through describing them.
If it is just not wanting to describe them, then it's a bit... abrupt? Anticlimactic? You start describing his eyes and then sudden stop. "They're just different."
I'd give some sort of flavor to it.
Maybe something like
"Blue like mine, but of a different shade, and something different underneath."
As an idea.

Later on, a similar phrase rings.
"Her golden eyes flicker with something unreadable."
But this one works, because it is very clearly written to be mysterious with her current motives and the prose knows it, not to mention the context fits with it.
Rather than being a starting description that ends, it's the prose surrounding a character being vulnerable.

Writing is very concise, yet expressive. It's economics but with writing. Very efficient and succeeds in what it wants to convey.

The amulet idea is cool

As an extension to the writing part, I find it quite easy to visualise what is going on. I usually don't have the easiest time of that. So props.

Last note: The information is very easy to digest. I never felt lost in what the story was doing. Very clear structure.
'Flashback' memory, carriage ride, amulet, talking about the baron, then the ceremony.

Chapter 2:

I like captain Carver. Not exactly sure why, but his character comes through nicely with even his very first dialogue.
Liriel describes him as cold without letting any warmth through, and disciplined, but his dialogue right after makes it seem like he's not cold,
just someone who doesn't let his feelings influence his duty. So reserved rather than cold.

This then juxtaposes his later dialogue where he reprimands her for messing up the speech, which is cool.
Though I might be reading too much into that.

Liriel has a lot of interiority and I feel like I know her character quite a decent bit just from the two chapters.
The art moment with the soldier is cute.

Chapter 3

The movement from starting the ritual to the chaos is a little too abrupt.

I'd say she moves a little too quickly from being nervous about the ritual to just suddenly doing it

Not to mention that the explosion immediately undercuts it all

I recommend adding two moments before

Before she starts actually speaking, have her falter, second guess herself or anything else. Just a beat before she settles into the rhythm and finds herself being able to do it fine.

The other moment to add would be before the chaos starts.

Make the moment where she's doing it last a bit longer, add another beat before things hit the fan.

Right now it reads very quickly.

She's nervous-no she's not it's fine-explosion

Each of those needs a bit of time to breathe

But otherwise very neat chapter! Good worldbuilding. The same prose praise as before appliest here.

Side note: Well screw Carver I guess XD

The callback to the art enjoying soldier is good for establishing that the forces at play here are unnatural and corrupting.

Minor note: storm tossed should be storm-tossed.

Chapter 4:

I am pleasantly surprised at the subversion of expectations.

First, I thought the mother turned out to be behind it, but then it was just a smart play by her, and then it turns out the big bad has Alzheimer's.

Bravo.

It's actually interesting how the story doesn't start with a big bad immediately doing big bad things after being unsealed. He's just a guy who's a bit confused. Interesting indeed.

Only comment is that perhaps the debacle ended too quickly. Perhaps that's intended, but I feel that the movement from her talking to Vaeroth to her going to sleep in her bed is a bit too fast paced.

Chapter 5:

Liriel is far too chill about him. This is funny to say since she's seething at his existence, but she's simultaneously too chill with the most powerful big bad she knows just being in front of her, and at the same time a little too expressive, seeing as she could be jeopardizing their lives by having a tantrum.

Yes, let me just take this extremely strong bad guy who lost his memory, who my mother is professionally gaslighting so he doesn't kill us, and then blame him and insult him in his face while getting angry.

That is, in my opinion a little stupid even from an emotional character.

She should be forced still in her seat from fear and from the ptsd of having people die around her and smelling burning flesh, on top of the supposedly strongest villain just sitting in front of her.

She was nervous about a ceremony but she's just fine roasting the big bad? Something's off here

When you and you family's lives are at stake, you don't just start insulting the guy who can erase you with a flick of his finger.

That is my first real criticism so far. Not by any means bad enough to stop reading or something, but just an inconsistency I had to pause on.

Not being super shook because of the fighting that happened I can understand, we already know she has the memory fragment dreams of the battlefield, so she's presumably used to it, but how is she able to act like that in front of the big bad?

I like their conversation after quite a bit, but I feel like it needs to be earned a little better.

Note: He reminds me of Macht from Frieren. That's cool stuff.

Chapter 6:

She's already glancing at Vaeroth asking for his support in mischief?

That's a bit fast from the last chapter lol

The escalation of their relationship is paced a bit fast.

Finishing the chapter, I like their dynamic, but I think it moved from "there is a calamity in front of me and I have to force myself to play along"

To

"On today's episode of my annoying roommate..." A bit too fast

It doesn't take away from the story much, but it would be good to smooth that transition over.
I reads very much as "oh, were doing this now?" Rather than a natural progression of a relationship - especially one as complicated as theirs.

Both sides are good, the beginning and the end result are very much enjoyable, there's just no proper in-between.


Chapter 7:

Just a good read. Forgetting about the relationship hitch, this is just pleasant to read!

I actually don't have any specific notes.

So I'll just move to the conclusion:



CONCLUSION:

You have a well written story here. Liriel is a pretty engaging protagonist, and her dynamic with Vaeroth is very unique and interesting. I assume he'll be the secondary protagonist, and I also hope so.

The prose is very clean, no grammar mistakes or inaccuracies I could spot, save for one I mentioned earlier.

It's very easy to imagine what is put down on the page, and the worldbuilding is delivered on point. Not a single time did I find myself thinking "what/who was that again?"

I never got caught up on anything due to clunky writing either.

The story, while quite simple so far, is engaging and interesting. It is clear that the narrative/plot itself doesn't matter to the story as much as the relationship between the two main characters.

Or rather, right now the plot is the important bit (hey we awoke this big bad guy and this will have consequences)

But it seems to be leading towards a place where the relationship and dynamic between Liriel and Vaeroth will take the center stage.

And I'm all for that dynamic.

It's going in my plan to read.

4.5/5 stars.

Missing half a star only for the relationship hitch.

 

[Svary6]

Hello! I finished reading your chapters! Here's my notes!

Project: Psychic

Chapter 1:

First thing I notice technically, the paragraphs are doubly spaced apart, which isn't necessarily an issue, just an observation.

Amy being described by a other person is a good choice, and it's pretty comedic, I like it.

"I knew she took Calculus the period prior, but not what her 4th period class was,"

This reads a little clunky, just a bit.
I'd reword it as something like:

"I knew she took Calculus the period prior, I did not know what her 4th period class was."

Just a small note.

--

"The sunlight streamed through the windows, casting a beautifully eerie aura over her. The curtains billowing, the wind only slightly cold, and the absolutely freakish Picasso-type painting on the wall in front of her."


Perfect description. It does two things at once, seamlessly.

The first part is obviously description, but the second is characterization.

Since we're inside the character's head, she's describing the scene beautifully, before seemingly getting bored with the fanciness and just blurting out the Picasso line.

Chef's kiss.

Otzi the goat mention. + point


The dialogue about the apprenticeship is a little unclear about what belongs to who.

"That painting is scary." Is pretty clearly the main character, I assume.

Knowing that, the rest of the conversation is easy to read, because the dialogue alternates, and that's fine.

But if attention lapses for a moment or the reader gets momentarily confused about the first line, then they have 6 lines of dialogue with no dialogue tags to anchor them to the people they belong to.

This wouldn't be a problem if it was 3 lines of dialogue or if the first two lines were made a bit clearer so that the alternating structure is better followed.

I found myself having to go back and be like "who said the painting is scary again?"

Then I had to scroll down and retrace the dialogue to see who said what.

So, the most elegant solution is a single dialogue tag.

“Astute observation, my apprentice.” Amy said.

Just add a dialogue tag there.
Making it clear that Amy is who replied makes it clear that the main character said the previous thing, while also having a clear starting point for the dialogue after.

Part of the tiny confusion is that after "that painting is scary", there's a paragraph before the dialogue ramps up again, so the flow is broken and a reader tracking who's saying what gets interrupted momentarily.

I'm also reading too much into it.

Just add the dialogue tag there and it will all be fine xD

I read a little ahead, and yeah, the floating dialogue, majority without tags to them are a risk.

I found myself able to read through the rest, but if a reader lapses in attention and skims just for a moment, they'll lose themselves in who is saying what, I think.

Side note: I just realized the main character is a boy. Oops.

Alright, chapter 1 over.

So far, pretty charming. The first person perspective makes it easy to get inside the main character's head, obviously. And he has an interesting personality so far.

The prose is unnoticeable. Which is good.

It's like CGI. You don't notice CGI in movies unless it's bad.

I didn't notice the prose at all, so it's good!

Grammar is perfect! At least I believe so, I didn't notice anything.


Chapter 2:

“Youre quiet.” She interrupted me.

Should be "you're".

Tense switch alert!

Beginning of the chapter is past tense, but later on you write in present tense! That's a big mistake because it's in the same scene, and without any sort of marker to signal that change!

“You are the only guy – let alone person – that’s engaged with me, you know..."

Between the "-" and "that's", there is a double space.

I’m almost convinced this isn't some weird setup. But, “I’m really just being polite. Even this whole ghost thing…I doubt it has anything to it.”

Starting a sentence with "But," and following with dialogue is clunky.

There should be a space after the ellipsis, so: "... I doubt."

That said, "I doubt it has anything to it."

It's a little off. Should be "there is anything to it."

Another note: The paragraph double spacing is becoming a bit inconvenient.

In a more positive note, I like their banter and developing relationship.

More tense switches.

"The rock sent me flying... She somehow caught me..."

Followed by "I stare at her." In present tense.

You gotta pick one tense.

"Leveling out" should be "Levelling out"

I could barely see a 1929 written on it.“You would think these would have people from earlier than the 20th…” I muttered.

Missing space between the first quote and "it."

Then the forest gained some kind of ethereal energy to it. Not one I couldn’t completely see with my eyes, but…moreso felt in my soul. Little glowing wisps like spores floated around, the air shimmered like water, and the sun cast little rays, enough to see but not enough to dispel the sheer magic of what I was seeing.

^
Good description! Very good! More stuff like this.

But this? She stepped, light and controlled, like she was the creator of this otherworldly space. She looked around before turning back to me, her dark hair illuminated by the wisps. Her uniform flowed in the wind just enough to mirror the leaves being stirred around her feet…

^
My wishes were answered.


“What? No. We don't even have the same lunch period. And women don’t poison people.”
^
That's pretty funny.


Chapter 3:

The subversion of expectations around ghosts is quite compelling. Very interesting.

Unfortunately though, tense switching is still a problem in the chapters.

If you're going for a "found diary" sort of narration, I recommend past tense.

Neat little action sequence this chapter. I liked it.

Chapter 4:

"After making a motion as if throwing something..."

A little clunky wording-wise. Just say she made a throwing motion.

"I’m sure if we could stall him long enough to get away…then get help, at least! "

This reads weirdly. You mean that if they could stall him long enough, they could get help, right?

Write "...enough to get away... then we could get help, at least!"

Or whatever other wording would fit your preferred tense. Also, missing space after the ellipsis.

Maybe he could be bargained with. Getting to my feet, shaky but relatively determined, I yelled.

^
Double space before "Getting"

“...You cannot even wield your abilities. Needing force for you to release me…It was regrettably pathetic. Ending you will ease my shame. If you and the girl are any indication of the state of today’s ‘heroes’…I will not need to awaken my lord before I conquer this world for him.” His steps, slow and methodical, drew him closer and closer. “You do not need to understand. Die with your remaining dignity.”

^
Lots of exposition that's said.
Speaks like a moustache twirling villain rather than an awoken evil ghost. The exposition isn't delivered in a realistic way, he just kinda dumps information he wouldn't never need to tell them.

Also, missing space after the ellipsis and before "It"

Another one after an ellipsis and before "I"

“The first blood spilt in His name in an age…Soon, I will reduce this world to a flat plain, perfect to recreate in His image…the living will submit to the dead for their sin of ignorance!”

^
More exposition!
If he's meant to be like a generic villain, then hint to it in the prose! Something like the protagonists calling him out for being corny.

If you wish to genuinely make him threatening, cut back on the exposition, let his actions do the talking.

“For…an old guy…you talk a lot…” does a bit of that work, but it's not enough to justify two paragraphs of exposition from the villain like that just yet.

There's also some showing versus telling. "I envisioned the tree splitting in half."

Show us the envisioning! It will make the moment pop more and be more tense, as well as allowing for some worldbuilding, like showing us what being a psychic is like!


Alrighty, I finished.


Conclusion:


Charming and interesting protagonists!

Pretty engaging worldbuilding when it is there, for example the subversion of expectations around ghosts. I liked that a bunch.

I like the first person angle the story does with the main character. Seeing what's going on in his head is very cool.

The banter between the two is quite enjoyable, and when you commit do really describing things, you do it quite well, see my praise earlier!

I'm also not much into this sort of book at all, I am far more of a fantasy reader and such.

But I found it holding my attention decently well! So that's a sign you're doing something right!

However, there are some downsides that you gotta look at. The good thing is, they're easily fixable and not something fundamental like lack of creativity.

It's just grammar and prose at the technical level.

Missing or double spaces, the double spaces between paragraphs, grammar.

The most glaring problem is tense switching.

The second chapter was the worst offender along with he third. The fourth only has one or two slip ups I believe, but make sure to pick one tense and stick to it!

Fix these technical issues and you have something going!

There is actually one other issue, and that's the so far, what seems to be the main villain.

Sill is very cliché, delivers exposition that sounds like the author is speaking rather than him, and is so moustache twirling evil, that it's cheesy.

If that's intentional, gotta make the reader aware of that!

If not, then you should revise it a little. Namely, shut him up a bit. Let his actions be threatening. You even do that at times effectively.

The fight scene in general was pretty good though, apart from the few times showing over telling would have been more engaging!

Overall, good story!

The technical issues drag it down to like a 3.5/5 stars though.

Fix the technical issues, make the villain a bit more engaging, and you have like a 4/5 at the very least!