Equivalent Exchange Feedback Machine

[Svary6]

Hello there, this is my introductory post, so I'll introduce myself...

Hello, my name is Svary!

Now that introductions are out of the way, I wanted to get some feedback on the story I'm writing, 'Fire and Light'.

Here!

The first chapter is pretty long, at 6500 words or so, but each subsequent chapter is pretty steadily at around 2500 words.

Now here's the schtick - I know it's unfair to just waltz in here expecting feedback from everyone, and so I'm offering the same to everyone who replies! Even if you don't decide to read my current selection of chapters.

I will mostly be replying to you here or in direct messages, but if I find myself especially full of thoughts to say, I might even post a review!

I don't have infinite time, and so I'll do my best to read around 10k words, or if that ends in the middle of some plot development/arc, a bit more than that till it finishes.

I am open to read mostly anything, though I'd like to avoid LitRPG (unless you think it's exceptional and original, not just solo leveling 2.0), smut is a no-go.
My favorite stuff is Frieren-like adventure stuff, or just adventuring in general. Although I do dabble in some good action, intrigue, or mystery. I like my light stuff, but if you have a dark fantasy or something grimdark, and think it will catch my eye, go ahead!

I'm not the most sophisticated reader, so I don't expect works on the level of the greats, but do make sure it is at least something you'd read yourself!

I will do my best to read all the responses I do get, but I am not a machine, so my response time may be slow and limited, and I might get picky!

Now that my preferences are set out, I'll pitch my pitch. :)
My book, currently releasing and at the end of its first mini-arc, is such:

Two young mages, one nearly a man, one a young girl meet each other by simple chance. A mage already a rare sight, one not bound and turned to an imperial soldier doubly so. Both yearn for a purpose and find it in one another, and together they adventure to find what they had both lost, and to discover parts of themselves they had forgotten. With each other by their side, the world is bright, but the looming shadow of mortal danger follows them with every step, and they are not ignorant of the press of death. A beautiful and fun adventure which may turn into a battle to the death and survival at any point, but one they go on happily, because it's more magical to be happier rather than sad.

And of course, the backdrop of their adventure is a magical system which forgoes any usual 'leveling up' and power levels, and focuses on imagination and interpretation as the basis of its power. A 'higher level' opponent can be beat by someone of lower output simply because the interpretation of their ability was beyond their own.

 

[Bane89]

Hello, I’m up for a feedback exchange.

I read the first chapter to start, and there’s a lot here that works. The atmosphere is strong, and I like how grounded the world feels — the market, the inn, the barkeep, the soldiers. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between Fire and the girl; there’s a quiet tenderness to the way he tries to reach her, and the small ways she reacts back.

Here are some thoughts from a reader’s perspective:

Chapter 1

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

Their bond forms quickly, which isn’t a bad thing, but it did make me wonder what in Fire’s past makes him so willing to take responsibility for her. Is it trauma? Altruism? A personal code? Even a small hint of his internal motivation would help anchor him early on.

The world itself feels surprisingly kind for what seems like a frontier settlement, the barkeep giving free juice to kids, Fire taking in a stranger, even the imperial captain trying to spare Fire before realizing he’s a mage. It gives the setting a gentler tone than I expected, which could be intentional, but it stood out.

The writing is descriptive and vivid; I could picture the streets and the inn clearly.

I'll read at least chapters 2 and 3 after work and give some additional feedback to get to the 10k words you're offering, but i wanted to get my chapter 1 thoughts out fresh.

I'd welcome your feedback on my story as well.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[code_sike]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

 

[Svary6]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

Hell yeah! I'll give your chapters a read and get back to ya when I can!

 

[code_sike]

Cool! 6.5k for a first chapter is crazy but clearly it's working for you. Lemme give this a shot. I'll edit this comment as I go. In exchange...

actually i'll just make a new comment.


Not a very experienced writer myself, of course, so take all this with some salt.

first thoughts (these will be mostly out of order):
- I like the premise. Plots like spyxfamily or last of us with the parent figure and child together make for a great dynamic, so this has a strong foundation.
- Your description of things is good (my biggest weakness, so i'm taking notes here) if a little short in places.
- dialogue is often by itself. This works fine when its Igni and the girl, but with the soldiers and vendors you should have something attributing them.
- certain repeats such as

She wanted to stay behind and hidden, like he usually would like.

The nameless girl was observing the interaction, faint interest painted over her eyes, before she started staring intently at the barkeep. He didn’t notice, however.

Fire and the nameless girl then made their way upstairs, into the cramped space separating all the available rooms of the inn.

He made his way to a door, which he unlocked with a key which he produced from his pocket, and then gestured into the room, letting the nameless girl take the leap.

(Could have just used 'her', or even had a part where he picks a name for her since she won't talk, to her dismay. Then of course he later goes back on that for 'Light')

Suddenly, the girl stood up by herself and dusted herself off, making him look up, as she was now standing taller than him. His smile grew a centimeter more and he stood up himself.

"Suddenly, the girl stood up and dusted herself off." is more concise. But it also doesn't show her reaction to Igni's declaration. If she isn't going to talk, her expressions are going to be crucial for characterization. if she's also stoic looking, even little twitches that Igni tries to interpret at first (then later on he could be able to read her better) works. His smiling reaction makes it seem like he's seeing more than we are.

Fire immediately took a swift step forward and slid in front of the girl. The muscles in his entire body instantly tensed up all at once.

here, just take out 'and slid', and just say "his entire body tensed [etc]"

- She seems to trust him very quickly, though for pacing/ it's just her nature / he gives off a trustworthy energy as a kindred spirit, it's fine.

All placed on a slightly round and soft face, which could only belong to a child.

- 'placed' and 'round' makes me think of a cute snowman!

Their shopping trip ended a little prematurely, as Fire led the girl away from the market, as non-suspiciously as he could.

- lines like these feel a bit long. Also, you could use 'inconspicuously'.
- You do a good job conveying how Igni is unsure about how to talk to the girl, but it comes out a bit much at times. He talks to her as if she's 10 or younger, which I would say mostly works.

She was quite young, possibly just entering her teen years.

- Before this, I was picturing slightly younger, although the cover image fixes that ig.

- you could cut a lot of these lines to be more concise. Some of the dialogue sounding medieval is a given, so that's fine. It just seems to add to the 6k, which I initially thought would turn off some readers, but you've got me beat by 200 views, so... (basically just look at sentences that stretch on and see how to shorten them. You're not hurting for word count here.)
- could combine parts together, whatever feels natural to you

as for the action:

- the actual moves are cool when you describe them.
- Grim is obviously cocky. I don't see a reason for him to try justifying himself to Igni, though, without even being prompted. I can't tell if he seriously cares if he kills anyone. This makes me think two things:
1. If he does care, his character would realistically just start explaining why Igni should willingly give up the girl. He has them trapped, so fighting to avoid escape isn't relevant. Igni would also start arguing back, maybe even to buy time against the threat
2. If he's taunting them, it's an odd way to do it.

- the pacing gets bogged down by things not being so concise. Otherwise I like it

For chapter 0, I give it an 8/10. and a new reader! I'll go over chp1 and 2 when I can.

I had a little trouble getting a clear sense of who the MC is at first. His appearance and exhaustion made me picture someone on the edge of collapse, almost beggar‑like, but he also has money for an inn, juice, and taking in a stranger. That contrast is interesting, but I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if I was meant to read him differently.

I was also curious about what exactly pushed him to approach the girl. The line “Do not let it make you take a single step back” stood out, but on my first read I wasn’t sure if it was a memory, a creed, or something magical compelling him. (On reread I saw it’s a memory, but I wanted to share the initial impression.)

I read it as Igni/Fire being one of those hard on the outside, soft inside types. Even before the memory plays, he considered the decision to approach Light.