BE NOT AFRAID. I will read your chapters and give hopeless feedback. [Closed but if you send it, I might re-open]

eagle_360

HR. Retired and Tired
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This thread feels like getting drop kicked by Tickle Me Elmo after he snorted 3 kilos of cocaine while memes keep pushing the screen down. Fine, you can drop kick "Help! Evil Wizards Turned Me Into A Girl!"
Get outta here elmo!

So here we go!!!!!



"Welcome to fifth annual Mackenloo Academy Fencing Tournament,

Oh wait... wrong fencing


Nathan had gleaming black hair which he parted to the right. There was a slight wave to his hair.

Like this?


He was a thin boy who had grown quite strong.

How did the thin boy become strong.


Nathan shook his fist for the crowd

Just shaking it huh.


A few girls swooned for him as cheers erupted. Jody Fischer stuck out her tongue, though it seemed more a playful gesture than an insult.

Sticking out tongue playfully?


A somewhat dour expression was affected by the tendency to purse his lips, which he was doing extremely tightly at the moment.

Did he eat something sour?


Would he fail to win in front of the entire fencing club, the entire school, Jody? He was determined not to let his summer recess be ruined by defeat in this crucial match. It was time to unleash some of his special abilities.

Ohhh yeahhh. He's going to use a gun!


"Silence," yelled the announcer, the crowd quieted, "Is that legal?

FUH NAH GNG 🥀


Droplets of perspiration flung outwards from Nathan's mask as he removed it.

That sweaty of that intense match!


While doing so, Nathan spotted an elderly man in a black suit who was standing with the support of a black cane.


That seemed unusual, being that this was a fencing tournament between private high schools

Men in black?!


After a few sips, he was face to face with his former opponent,

Now kiss


"I was going to grab a pizza with everyone. I'll ride my bike home."

As long as it's not hawaiian. I think we cool.
change into a clean pair of jeans with a hole in the left knee
I know where that hole came from! Archery!


Bill and Howard were waiting by the bike racks, guarding Nathan's black and white mountain bike. None of them had brought their own bikes along,

It's fine. Just pretend the cycle.


Jody pulled her light blonde hair back into a loose pony-tail that hung past her shoulders so it wouldn't fall into on her slice.

Not true. Still hair
Howard was more unique; he was tall and his chest was so broad it made the cheap cotton shirts he wore tight.



"It's a good thing you're so powerful," Jody said, "because that guy was a pro. His technique was amazing; and everyone could see you were exhausted before that sudden adrenaline rush you pulled."

I just realized that if you remove the words fencing from your novel. You are actually writing yaoi.


As he hopped on his bike, the old man in the black cape from the gym watched from across the street, but disappeared into an alley before Nathan ever noticed him.

He didn't do anything!



Verdict :
Fencing is a sweaty sport! I haven't got to the fantasy yet but the cape man is very suspicious!
That's a hook!
I understand the type of writing you are going for immediately from the first chapter. It does give a lot of character to character interactions?
But it does make me want to read more!!

Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing
 
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Eldoria

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Please try my fiction again, sis. I'm trying to fix my hiatus fiction after rewriting it. I'm wondering if this prologue has a hook to keep readers interested. Thanks.

Arclight Kingdom...

At the western end of the continent stood a kingdom that looked like a painting of eternal spring. Marble towers rose. The flower festival decorated the capital.

The sky was glowing with the rose colour of dusk. Cherry blossom petals fell as a horse-drawn carriage passed through the crowded streets.

Thousands of citizens stood along the road, welcoming a silver-haired young man riding along the cobblestone path.

“The Light of Arclight has returned!”

“Prince Lune... we love you..."

Lune waved to the crowd. The girls blushed at his smile.

...

At the gates of the palace, a maiden and a little girl had been waiting since morning. The wind fluttered the strands of their skirts.

A maiden in a pink dress ran ahead. Her blue hair gleamed like wet sapphires.

"Lune! You came back unscathed… I was worried…" She hugged him tightly.

Lune gasped. But he responded with the poise of a returning knight.

“I’m back,” he whispered, gently patting her back.

"I missed you so much… Lune. Why didn't you come home sooner?"

Lune patted her back. “I want to go home as soon as possible, Rubea. But in the north, the situation is still unstable. The Kingdom of Darkness is in chaos. We must remain alert.”

Rubea tightened her hug. “And now?”

“For now, everything is safe.
I will protect you,” he said softly.

Rubea let go of her hug and looked at him. Her face flushed, like the petals of a rose touched by the sun—

A small hand tugged at the hem of his white cloth. Lune looked down.

A little girl in a white dress stood looking at him. Her face was like soft porcelain. “Big Brother, are you alright?”

Lune smiled, knelt down and hugged her little sister.

“Lys… you come to say hello, Big Brother?" His hand ran through her silver hair. "I’m fine. Your Big Brother is strong.”

"I'm glad... You're fine." Her tiny chin rested on his brother's shoulder.

"The palace is deserted without Big Brother…” Her sweet voice was a little hoarse.

"I'm sorry, Lys. I miss you, too." He hugged her tightly for a moment.

He let go of his arms and looked into his little sister's blue eyes. "We'll play together again, won't we?"

"Really?" She raised her little finger to her big brother. "Promise?"

"Of course." He hooked his finger with hers. "When has your Big Brother ever lied to you?"

“Yay,” sweet voice echoed.

Rubea stood still for a moment. Her hands clutched the hem of her skirt as her purple eyes sharpened, reflecting Lune and her little sister.

"Rubea..." A soft voice echoed, and she smiled softly again.

Lune stood and grabbed both girls' hands gently. "I'm home... thank you for greeting me."

...

They walked down the hall. The orange light slipped through, the white floor glistening.

The waiters bowed; the knight paid their respects.

They arrived at the great hall. Lune took a step forward.

The King and Queen stood in front of the golden throne. The twilight light painted their faces in golden silhouettes.

“I’m back... Father King... Queen Mother,” Lune bowed respectfully.

“Welcome, my son,” they replied in unison.

The Queen stepped forward. “How was your trip up north, my son?” Her voice contained tenderness.

Lune nodded. “Smoothly, Queen Mother. But the situation there… is not yet stable. The Kingdom of Darkness is still in chaos. A new king has been elected, but the people have not accepted it.”

The Queen’s expression darkened briefly before the King gently reassured her.

“Lune has won many wars. I believe in him.”

"Father is right... Mother." Lune smiled faintly, his eyes dimmed. "I will protect all of you."

The Queen returned her smile. “I trust you.”

“Come on, dear," the King said. "Our son is back. Let's celebrate!”

The banquet began. Wine flowed, music filled the hall, and laughter scattered like petals in the air.

Lune stood in front of the ballroom, accompanied by Lys and Rubea.

The marble floor glistened as they greeted the nobles one by one.

“Prince, you are getting handsome.” A man in a black suit shook his hand. “Thank you for your help. My daughter was healed because of you.”

Lune nodded. "Equally, Count. As a fellow academy member, I was only doing my duty."

The Count released his handshake and brushed the black hair behind his head.

“My daughter, Cinderella, is very grateful for Prince’s help,"

He smiled. "Since you treated her, she has not stopped writing poems about you. She looks forward to your return visit.”

Rubea gripped Lune's hand tightly, her lips smiled faintly.

...

After the greeting line is over, Lune fed his little sister.

A spoon containing a piece of cake was directed towards the little mouth. “Open your mouth, Aaa…”

"Mmm..." her cheeks puffed up like a squirrel. "It's yummy."

Rubea stared at their proximity, her lips curved downwards.

A blonde-haired girl approached him, her silver armor gleaming.

She stood up and patted her chest. “Prince Lune, how are you?”

Lune looked at her. "Hestia! I'm good. And you?"

“Good, Prince. Glad to see Mr. Prince back." Her golden eyes glanced at Lys. "Still feed your beloved little sister, huh?"

Her hand covered her mouth followed by a seductive sound. "Good brother~”

Lune gave a small giggle. "Lys wants to be fed by me."

Hestia smiled. “Starting tomorrow, I will serve as the Prince’s personal bodyguard. Direct orders from the Queen.”

Lune sighed and placed the plate on the silver table.

“The Queen Mother is indeed too worried…" He stretched out his hand. "I hope we can work together.”

“I also seek guidance, Prince,” she shook his hand

Rubea hugged his arm tightly. “Hestia, do you have something to say to my fiancé?”

"No," Hestia stared Lune. "See you tomorrow, Prince."

"See you," he nodded.

Rubea pointed to the dance hall. “Lune, let’s dance~”

“Alright," Lune held her hand.

He turned to his little sister for a moment. "Lys, wait here..."

"Please, Big Brother,” she nodded.

Lune led Rubea in perfect moves. They danced to the rhythm of the symphony like a pair of swans in spring.

Applause echoed through the hall as they stood side by side on the sparkling floor.

...

The night was getting late. The lanterns went out one by one, leaving the dim corridors of the palace as if drowsy in darkness.

The sky over the park hung a full moon. A thin cloud marched slowly, closing it for a moment.

Lune walked alone to the center of the garden and stood under the apple tree. The shadow of the tree stretches long into the footstone.

"It's too wonderful today. Love everywhere. Smiles everywhere," he thought.

White steam came out of his mouth.

"But can I maintain this peace? The situation in the Kingdom of Darkness is worse than reported. Their new king... is a sword grandmaster."

"Meanwhile I'm just a sword expert."
His hand gripped the hilt of his sword tightly.

Lune stood in silence for a moment, staring up at the night sky.

A gentle breeze blew, rustling her silver hair. A sweet aroma wafted through the air.

Brown Leaves danced in the air and fell on her silver hair. For a moment… it was silence—

Prince Lune…" a gentle female voice echoed. Lune turned quickly.

The wind blew hard, blowing the leaves along with the mist. Lune shielded his face with his arms. His feet pressed against the flat rocks.

The wind slowly died down, the leaves fell to the green ground. Lune lowered his arms; his eyes widened.

At the far end of the garden, under the arch of the silver gate, stood a mysterious woman. Her aura felt too warm.

Tap… tap… tap… Her steps kept getting closer.

She in a red robe stood under the moonlight; her face shrouded in shadow.

Lune looked at her. “Who... are you?”

She opened her lips. “Red Sage.”

Lune stood alert; his hand reached for the hilt of the sword—

She raised her palms. “Everyone loves you. But… is it love?”

Lune narrowed his blue eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Untested love… is it really love?” Her hands clenched into fists.

The leaves on the ground trembled, flying on air. A red aura radiated, enveloped Lune.

Red Sage smiled. “Your level is now Grandmaster equivalent. It's merely a reflection of their hope to you.”

His eyes widened. “...Hope?”

Red Sage nodded. “But what if that hope is extinguished?”

She spread her hands, the red aura surrounding Lune fading.

"My level..." he whispered.

Lune stood frozen for a moment; his lips curved downwards.

Red Sage placed her palm on her chest. “If you follow my challenge, I will give you the power to protect your kingdom for a hundred years."

Lune released his grip on the hilt of his sword. “What’s the challenge?”

Red Sage pulled something out from behind her cloak. A red apple sparkled like a ruby gem.

She took out a small knife from the end of her robe sleeve and slowly split the apple until two perfect halves were formed.

She took one bite. “Sweet...”

“This apple is a choice,” her voice was clear, like the sound of a spring running through autumn. “Eat! It helps you sleep for a year."

She held out the other half. "Don't worry! You will remain as you are now when you wake up."

Lune accepted the half of apple.

“If they wait for you, you'll win. But if not, the crown will be no longer yours."

"Are you willing to see the truth?” she whispered.

Lune squeezed the fruit. "I'm sorry..." He shook his head. "I can't accept your challenge. I have to protect—"

"I know... your concerns, Prince." Red Sage lifted her hood, revealing the face of a beautiful woman. Her red hair glistened in the moonlight.

"I promise to protect your kingdom from border threats."

Lune flinched, taking a step back. "Is it true?"

"I never break my promises." A charming smile adorned her face.

Lune looked up at stars blinked. “Deal. I believe they will wait for me.”

Red Sage stepped back into the darkness. "There is no compulsion, Prince. That apple can only be eaten by you."

Lune stared the fruit for a moment.

His eyes stared ahead. The leaves fell on the grassy ground. Red Sage disappeared like a leaf blown away by the wind.

"Red Sage..." he whispered.

...

The air was getting more and more stinging. Lune returned to his room.

He removed his robe and sat on the edge of his bed. His eyes fixed on the window, where the moon hung.

"Rubea, my fiancée... Hestia, my best friend... Anna, my maid... Lys, my little sister."

His lower lip was bitten. "Will you all wait for me?"

He sat silently for a moment. His eyes dimmed, leaving a silence to accompany him.

Lune took a half of red apple on the silver table. His face reflected off the surface of the fruit.

"I believe you all."

One bite. A sweet taste crept across his tongue. His eyes started to get heavy.

The world began to spin slowly. He collapsed on his bed.

The night sky above Arclight Castle felt quieter than usual. Outside, the world began to change, waiting for someone... they might no longer recognized when he woke up.
 
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