ADHD feedback for your chapters

[AliceMoonvale]

I've got a farm-to-table home grown story here, and on the plus side, as a fellow ADHD'r, it's still short and easy to read! I've got another chapter ready soon, but for now, there's just the first one. Edit: The story took over, and now there's two chapters. Whoops. Love to hear your thoughts!

If You Can Hear This, Stop Listening

Nessa Holloway knew that something was wrong in her life, but she just couldn't place it. Something felt distinctly different, even if nothing had changed. She could feel it. One night, as Nessa was closing up at her job, she heard a disembodied voice, as if through the radio. 'If...

www.scribblehub.com

Story is alright overall. I read both chapters you have currently. I feel neutral, not impressed but don't think it's bad either.

Only issues I see is:

1. Description stacking.

“A smooth voice, deep and almost hypnotic, a low growl that resonated in Nessa's chest, flush blooming on her face.”

My edit: “A low, hypnotic voice resonated in her chest. Heat rose to her face.”

2. Repetition

“It wasn't as though Nessa's life was volatile - it was actually painfully stagnant.” ... “But there's nothing different. It never changes.” .... “Everything is exactly where it's supposed to be…”

Nitpicks that stuck out to me:

Slight pacing drags

“a dusty brown wolf cut that had grown out… gathering her hair into a loose ponytail… digging through her apron’s pockets…”

I mean, it's fine. But it happens right as tension is building so I'm like eeeeh c'mon

Mystery behind the voice could of been done a bit better?

She broadcasts at exactly 9pm, Nessa hears it at 9pm, Miranda checks forums immediately after and finds someone who heard it, then reacts like they knew and were waiting for it? Made me be like "ah, so, she's the source?" Well shit, there goes some ambiguity out the window!

Idk, imo, I'd want to see mystery being panned out a bit slower and trusting your readers.

Y'ALL (not directed at just you) HAVE SOME MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. LIKE DAMN.
TRUST THE READERS JUST A TAD.

Anyway, it was alright. I didn't get entirely bored, which is a rarity.

Here is my submission. I look forward to your comments, suggestions or criticisms. Thank you in advance from a fellow AuDHDer! :)

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

Alright. What the fuck man.
Sixes and Sevens? are you gen alpha? what is this shit?

Oh my god dude. You need to work on formatting and breaking up literal wall of text paragraphs.
I almost had an aneurysm, so thanks for that.

Holy repetition batman:

“Robin grinned, he felt a pleasant, gentle tingle on his scalp…”

“Robin felt the pleasant tingle intensify….

“…he felt that pleasant tingle on his scalp again.”

“…the familiar, comforting sound which made Robin sigh, with the pleasant tingle on his scalp.”

“squeaked and rustled”

“squeak, crinkle and rustle”

“smooth, squeaky material”

Blink twice if you're being held a gun point and being forced to type pleasant tingle.

Try like "a soft shiver ran through him". Anything else, please.

Over detailing:

“He took off his coat and hung it on the rack.”

“He took off his shoes and placed them next to Timothy’s boots.”

“He took his heavy backpack off of his shoulders and carried it by a single strap…”

These don't add emotion, they don't contribute to moving the story train along.
Compared to something like: "“Robin slipped off his shoes and coat.” and thats it.

“I'm your friend. I won't laugh at you, or bully you.”

I don't recall middlechool kids talking like this.

There's just a lot that needs fixing, but I will say that the portrayal of Autism was decent, even if the obsession of trains feels maybe a bit stereotypical due to meme culture. Wish you luck~

 

[blushiemagic]

Y'ALL (not directed at just you) HAVE SOME MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. LIKE DAMN.
TRUST THE READERS JUST A TAD.

I think I have second-hand trauma from reading the kinds of comments people make on other people’s stories

 

[eagle_360]

I think I have second-hand trauma from reading the kinds of comments people make on other people’s stories

Why are you scared. This is one of, if not the best reviewer in SH. She can't possibly come out of the screen and strangle you!

Wait...can she? Oh no... this situation is bad.

I forgot about her ability to break the fourth-wall.

RUN @blushiemagic ! She in-fact can reach across the fifth dimension and get you for your terrible story.

I hear banging on my screen.

She already knows about me warning you!

This is not good.

My heart is thumping,

I can hear myself gulp.

Why is my throat dry. Wait, she's banging on my screen even harder.

This is bad.

Not good.

I think she's about to destroy me on my novel too.

This is super dangerous. I'll hold her back. You run away!

@Bimbanana Saveeeeee meeeeeee



TLDR : @AliceMoonvale is good with review, she will never be bad person. Go thank people for feedback.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

I think I have second-hand trauma from reading the kinds of comments people make on other people’s stories

FUCK THEM. THEY ARE NOBODY, YOU ARE EVERYBODY TO YOURSELF. #gaslight #girlboss

Why are you scared. This is one of, if not the best reviewer in SH. She can't possibly come out of the screen and strangle you!

Wait...can she? Oh no... this situation is bad.

I forgot about her ability to break the fourth-wall.

RUN @blushiemagic ! She in-fact can reach across the fifth dimension and get you for your terrible story.

I hear banging on my screen.

She already knows about me warning you!

This is not good.

My heart is thumping,

I can hear myself gulp.

Why is my throat dry. Wait, she's banging on my screen even harder.

This is bad.

Not good.

I think she's about to destroy me on my novel too.

This is super dangerous. I'll hold her back. You run away!

@Bimbanana Saveeeeee meeeeeee



TLDR : @AliceMoonvale is good with review, she will never be bad person. Go thank people for feedback.

I'm never a bad person. I'm nice and wholesome and definitely not an introverted, retard fuck that hates people.

 

[TychoCQClover]

My humble submission
Hope you like it