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Didn't really care for it with what I did read, but I'm not the target audience.

You should do some proofreading, there are things like missing periods.

I can think of two ways to start, depending. One is to open with a villain intro, with the comparison I'd make to a film like Mulan. The original one, not that terrible live-action remake. It can help create a ticking clock and establish why the villain is to be worried about. As for the girls...

Sure! I don't recommend it often for reasons I mentioned on the first page (I think?) with how the dialogue being strong conveys the emotion more often than not, but I know how to use tags regardless and I've no issue telling others.

I'd recommend organizing everything using mind mapping. Google it for some software. If you have a google account, can use mindmup. It's what I do.

Alright, having read the second chapter, I can see the issues here. Honestly, it seems a lot of stuff I've already addressed in this thread can be relevant, including the whole "waking up" stuff. As said, I'd go through a lot of the feedback I've given others already, such as the key to doing an...

I've found many don't with this stuff on their mind -- which isn't a bad thing! The main reason I've delved this deep is because of my desire for proficiency within this one domain. Oh, and thanks for that advice! I'm actually not worried about developing whole worlds and so on. On a personal...

More my logic is to make me feel anything at all. If the goal is to just know the event happens, I don't see how it isn't just the equivalent of an info dump. At the core there must be something to make the reader feel something early on. It goes back to what I said with lesson #3 here. Or stuff...

I missed this? Okay, I'll read over it. Just got back from making sense of some notes, so first, I owe @Mortrexo a full response and maybe something that can teach something new. So, real quick, I first started thinking about stuff like The Rule of 10. You do deliver on a genre pertinent event...

I'm currently working on a grammar/style guide, so I'll send that your way when I'm done. The reason why is because your prose could use some cleaning up. When it comes to the actual content though, I was cracking up as I read. Yes, I would keep reading on because you delivered so well on...

These are pretty cool, but I prefer the custom touch of working with my artists. Wouldn't get the precise artistry.

Finally freed up! On vacation now after an exhausting week of work and I’ve been able to sit down and think. So, let’s speed run this. @Edd99 Assassin’s Apocalypse You’ve gotten better at this compared to the previous draft. I think you’d benefit from using more verbose verbs though when it...

I'm aware. What I'm going to say will build on that. Such as the idea of 3 drafts: 1 self-indulgent draft, then 1 where you focus on craft, and one more after which focuses on the audience. Plus some other things. But just message me on Discord if you want a faster response. I'll send it via PM.

I'll add in more later, but it helps to use an AI that's designed for fiction writers. I recommend Autocrit. There's a lot I can say on how to use it, plus responses I can give to build on all said, I'm just tired. Long day at work. Oh yeah, to note, I have much more I'm going to add to follow...

Do you truly wish to learn as an author? Okay. Here we go. Because giving you my impression of your work – confusing and frustrating – was the best I could do without going into... what I'm about to. Beyond that, your issues weren’t worth special attention and didn’t require more than what was...

The first chapter is the prologue only. The first chapter read by the reader. Anyway, you can add it in. I'm a bit behind on giving feedback, though I'm on vacation from work next week, which is when I'm going to binge through feedback hard. I'm just also making sure I'm on top of my game with...

Okay, this story has been flabbergasting me. I saw you... sort of changed the synopsis, so I tried to read. Repeatedly. I kept procrastinating on this since I was trying to figure out what is wrong or if there is anything I can suggest. It's confusing and it turns me off because, combined with...

I highly recommend you don't give up on this story idea. I've never encountered anything like it, nor would I have come up with it, but what you have in mind is a brilliant concept. I'm impressed. As said, there are some issues in the execution due to how flowery it is, but yeah, that's why I...

Okay, so, I think the best thing I can say for you first and foremost is to change your synopsis entirely. This isn't the stuff I normally critique -- maybe I'll make a thread for that -- but it's so... all over and confusing that it makes a horrible first impression. There's a reason why you...