This is Susan.
Susan is a dumbass.
She doesn't know how to suck on a popsicle so, she hawk tuah's on dat thang like the imbecile she is.
That is not a dick Susan. That is a popsicle.
^That's how I write it.
Have you tried Manuskript? It's open source. For merged columns, unfortunately the only way is to write it in html.
I'm now using Jarte. The paid version went free years ago. It's Word without the bullshit.