Offering feedback on the first chapter of your story (No Smut)

BeezussWrites · Apr 1, 2026

CrimsonEclipse said:
Here you go, kind person: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2222721/boost-isekai-litrpg/

THX!

Work's been killing me so all of these are taking longer than they usually should. Hope I didn't take too long to get this to you boss:

You actually have a very interesting mesh of plot points here, with: the emptiness of space, what crashed into them at the end/did it kill them, and what I believe is probably going to be your central theme, can AI truly feel? You’ve set up a scene where I’m actually interested enough to see the next chapter. But there are a few things that I, as a reader, was interested in seeing.

Your omniscient narration at the start was actually not a bad call, in fact, it’s interesting because its detached style of speaking absolutely works with the overall feeling of being alone in the empty vacuum of space. However, when we got down to Sym, we continued that style of speaking instead of fully shifting into close third person, and that’s where I feel like my feelings for the character sort of struggled. We’re not experiencing the world through his perspective beyond a few short descriptions and his own pieces of dialogue. As such, I kind of didn’t have the ability to sympathize with him and could absolutely see myself believing he’s fully dead, because of how little we were introduced to his inner workings, instead of believing “oh, the author wouldn’t do that to a character like this” only to be heartbroken when you really did. My advice would be to do something like swapping from telling us that the air is cold, to describing how the cold air feels to Sym.

Gonna leave most of my comments in the line by line so I don’t overstate most of my feelings about this, so I’ll end off with saying I did enjoy the potential threads you’ve shown in this overall chapter, and I’m excited to see what happens in chapter two. Good luck writing further, and I hope you got something more useful than the “write it my way” stuff I posted below. If you have any questions, want me to clarify one of my points, or think I just missed something feel free to let me know.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line). Additionally, since I had so many taste specific comments, I will label them as such, so you can understand what I as a reader stumbled on and should be cleaned up, and what I as a reader would’ve preferred to see, knowing that I might not be the exact demographic you’re striving for:

(Craft)
“The void stretched in all directions, a vast, unknowable blackness pierced only by the dim glint of distant stars, tiny, indifferent witnesses to the slow death of a once-proud vessel.” - I actually really like this slow, immersive feel you went for. But I had to reread it once because the commas made me think ‘tiny’ was about to reference a new subject.

(Taste)
It drifted silently through space, the figure of a black hole rising before it like the mouth of some ancient, hungry god. - This scene’s overall felt super original so the familiar wording of ‘hungry god’ weakened it a bit for me.

(Craft)
“Where once two powerful engines had driven it through starfields at impossible speeds, there now” - you did “where once… now” a bit too close to the last time you used it.

(Craft)
“The once vibrant command systems, machine cores, and support subroutines had gone dark,” - you didn’t go with another “now,” but it still has the same feel because of the consistent amount of times you’ve used it.

(Taste)
“Around the ship, the emptiness stretched, infinite and without mercy. There was no rescue coming, no signal received, no trace of life for light-years.” I actually think this would’ve been a great starting point, or at least put after we describe the ship with a bit more detail to give us that isolated feeling you were going for.

(Taste)
“The black hole loomed. It was not merely an absence of light, but the utter annihilation of it.” - We’re still missing a ton of details as to what the scene actually looks like in favor of your more poetic narration. And even though this “Light bent unnaturally around it, as though…” does give us a somewhat partial description, it still doesn’t flesh out the scene enough. I would’ve liked either a more vivid detailing, or at least stopping the narration where you continue to describe it in emotions you’ve portrayed plenty of times by this point.

(Taste)
“The ship was no different. It would be torn apart, molecule by molecule, its atoms stretched into infinite threads by the sheer violence of gravitational tide.” - Very good shift to more tension, but the detached feeling of the narrator does make it feel more like a transcript of a nature documentary.

(Taste)
“And no one would be there to see it happen.” - Another good line right after.

(Craft)
“Fires had long since died out from lack of oxygen, leaving behind blackened trails along the ceilings and walls.” - I understand now. Since everyone is dead, there isn’t actually a head to put us in. Makes more sense from a perspective point what you’ve done so far now.

(Craft)
“The cockpit, once a hive of interstellar activity, was now a graveyard of broken tech.” - You once used this style of writing, and now you still do.

(Just a random comment)
“Sym.” - so there is actually someone who’s alive in this.

(Taste)
“was a ruin of bruises.” - was a ruin just feels like an awkward way to describe a face covered in bruises.

(Taste)
““When those mining drones came alive...” - came off a bit like exposition, because the AI wouldn’t need a recap of the events. Just give us a basic “you even got me out of this,” and if you really want to describe what just happened, describe the debris of millions of droids in the opening scene. Not wanting to get to prescriptive, but natural dialogue really really is needed to keep me hooked in a story.

(Taste)
“A pause. Then, with an almost human softness:” - I really don’t think you should’ve used the word ‘human’ here. The pause alone would’ve given us the context needed to know it’s not just an normal AI.

(Taste)
“Cold air flooded his lungs, clean and sharp” - This is where I would’ve liked more detail about the air instead of just “clean and sharp.” I really want to know how this man feels right now, in pretty much every aspect.
(Taste)
“Another pause. Then, for the first time, a note of curiosity entered Sage’s voice.” Again, I felt like the words she said were enough themselves give us the tone without the explanation of her tone being necessary.
(Taste)
“And then… Nothing.” - I felt like you ended off on a very strong note, but I definitely would consider cutting the last line in favor of ending off on ‘nothing.’ Even that one line about the darkness felt like we were dragging the image of the isolation you were painting so far.

BeezussWrites · Apr 4, 2026

V8485 said:
I'll throw my hat as always. The Devil’s Hell | Scribble Hub. Thanks for your time if you read.

I’ve been slacking super hard and didn’t get around to this as quickly as I should’ve, so I’m sorry about that. I want to start this off by saying I’m genuinely impressed with the amount of chapters you’ve put in. Sixty-six chapters and still posting once a week is more than most people ever get to. I think you have the bones of a great story, and if you added a few more layers, I'd definitely be interested in reading a bit further.

I’ll start by saying that I’m not sure if the promise of a more bleak, character driven adult drama that I believed I was reading at the start matched up with the ending Isekai feel. It’s completely fair if you actually meant for the transfer to feel jarring in comparison (which it definitely achieved), but I feel like if a reader was excited for this almost dystopian opening you created, they might be turned off a bit by the sudden ending. And similarly, someone who was interested in the isekai turn might not be able to make it through the beginning to the point they might enjoy.

Now, as for what was actually in your first chapter. We were put in the shoes of a faceless corporate drone, which you hammered home by not even giving him a name during it. That alone makes it clear that your vagueness was mostly an intentional style choice. However, though I understand it was purposeful, the lack of any details on what: the physical descriptions of the characters, the scenery looked like (beyond the occasional notes like the clocktower, Tokyo, etc.), and any sort of action tag during the long stretches of dialogue to give us a broader personality for the characters made this chapter feel like a set up to the story, rather than a starting point because we had no anchors/attachments made yet. Something simple like having them them take a drag of a cigarette, check their watch, or really just even look away would've went a long way to deepening their characters far more than three lines of dialogue ever could.

Now I want to dive into the dialogue tags in more detail which I think would be the single biggest addition to your story. But before I do, I want to point out that the voices of your characters were actually solid, and it was probably where the biggest chunk of my enjoyment came from. My only gripe is that they came off more like construction workers, rather than office drones at times.

Here’s an example of a section of your story in need of dialogue tags: “So are you.” Into “How’s the wife?” The characters were in the middle of a different subject in the conversation where they were calling each other dicks, and then suddenly one of them makes a joke about the other one not having a wife. It’s too abrupt, and made it feel unnatural to me. I would suggest at least adding a beat, such as something like this:

“So are you.” I stared at a small drip of water trailing down the side of the cooler. Thirty-two… Christ.

“How’s the wife?” I asked, crumpling the cone and tossing it in the trash.

Honestly, my example wasn’t the greatest, but it’s more to show you what I’m talking about. The overall meaning of the beats didn’t change, but the few additions increased the time between their responses from a second or two apart, to about ten seconds, which gives the conversation a more natural way to pivot. And honestly, to make another addition, while I was writing that I realized I wasn’t fully aware of who was actually speaking because of the lack of any form of indicator like “Steve said,” so that’s another reason I’d suggest adding tags.

Felt more like I was rambling more than being helpful, but I hope you got something out of this. If you have any questions, want me to go into a bit more detail on something, or anything else, feel free to send me a message.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):

“trunk on the hike over here.” - Did you mean truck here?

“What? You didn’t look both ways.” - I try and keep from tackling grammar, but I’m pretty sure the second sentence is supposed to end with a question mark? The lack of it genuinely shifts the entire tone of the conversation.

“You don’t.” - I can tell this is a joke, but the very fragmented dialogue without any descriptive beats, and overall breaks makes this feel somewhat confusing.

“Dickishness” - You gonna have to trademark this word or I’m stealing it for my own chapters.

“It just came out of bloody nowhere as if the trunk was some magician.” - Alright, is it actually a trunk?

“Well, can’t complain too much; spent most of those years boozing and smoking, wasting away in that little apartment.” - you’re just describing how my life’s unfolded over the past decade.

“(The Indifference of Heaven live at Biskuithalle, Bonn, Germany by Warren Zevon.)” - The placement of this footnote threw me off a bit. // on second read, I’m aware this is your way of telling the audience information through your fourth wall breaks, so its placement is completely fine.

“With all this happening, an explosion of white light surrounds me; the next thing I hear is that of a bird chirping, and the taste of dirt filling my mouth.” - I did not expect an isekai and was kind of thrown off by this. Not exactly bad, just jarring.

VanVeleca · Apr 4, 2026

I'll throw my hat into the ring as well!!!

Neapolitan Nightmares

The town of Berrymarrel, a quiet and honestly boring little town where nothing ever happens. At least not anymore, now that 'The Wolf' is no longer roaming the streets. Nobody was prepared for his return, the serial killer who's always seen yet never caught. It's up to three girls at...

www.scribblehub.com

V8485 · Apr 4, 2026

Wow, this was amazing, thanks. I never liked dialogue tags in the beginning, but I've been using them more in current writing, so I'll give this chapter another chapter. (I think this must be the 5th draft at this point.) On Royal Road it's almost the book's first anniversary, and I've been putting off looking through all these chapters to fix the more mechanical things because I am a bum. Another thing I don't know why but I do love juxtaposition, and the reason why I don't have isekai as a tag other than the poor name I think the genre has gained is to surprise the reader. Also, I never truly viewed good old V as a corporate drone, but it's a very interesting view. But to finish this overly long comment, I'd like to thank you once more, and I definitely get to looking over it again. And I'm happy you found some of it enjoyable. I always thought that this book's things were just one giant clusterfuck, and it's nice to hear every once in a while that someone had fun with it.

BeezussWrites · Apr 5, 2026

Villager_A said:
Gonna throw mine too.

Link:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245921/barrys-bad-luck/

For some context:

This is a romcom that spans middle school until high school

The story is divided into arcs, which I just conveniently name after the girls featured, so the first 3 chapters I posted comprise the Melissa arc

The main protagonist is a normal, well-meaning boy who just has incredibly bad luck in life, but especially whenever he falls in love. The fun in writing this was figuring out how he inevitably sabotages his chances at love each and every time, while making him grow as a person as time passes and raising the stakes

Even just the first chapter is fine I guess, but if you do end up liking it, going up to chapter 3 to close out the story arc is how you can see the general pattern. But of course, up to you.

I've recently posted 3 chapters of arc 2 as well so if you're so inclined to continue the story it won't be too much of a cliffhanger

I’ll keep this one short, because you’ve already got a great idea on where you’re going with this story. You've got an interesting premise, and I actually feel the chemistry between your characters, unlike most romance stories on this site. The character has supernatural bad luck? It’s definitely something I’ll continue reading in my free time, so that along should give you a good idea of how I felt about this. But I’ll give you a few pieces to work on that I think somewhat need to be addressed in order to make it land a bit harder for readers similar to me.

First, the main character has a great voice that perfectly suits the genre, but when you fully remember that he’s probably around twelve years old, it starts to become clear that he’s speaking at a level far above what he should be. I mean, he’d be getting made fun of by a ton of the other kids if he spoke so “eloquently” instead of speaking like a kid. “Student council work seems pretty taxing based on that annoyed look on your face just now.” This could just as easily have been “You look stressed out. What happened during student council?” It’s actually completely fine if his inner narration is this elevated, but someone his age would stumble a bit more if they constantly tried to speak like this instead of everything landing almost perfectly.

The second and really last point I’ll touch on is how overt you made his overall perception of Melissa. We get this “…almost too perfect, I dare say.” And then we get this “After all, you can’t fool me anymore…” and then lastly this “She’s…showing me her true colors…?” I want you to just straight up have all the events happen, and then leave it to me as the reader to understand if there’s some underlying meaning. Don’t hammer home the point over a dozen times please.

That’s honestly pretty much it. I don’t have too much to say currently that I was fully upset with. You don’t have any glaring grammar problems, and the concept itself is definitely enjoyable. I just hope that later down the line I won’t see another middle schooler with this same speaking style as the two we’ve seen so far seem to have.

This story is genuinely strong, which is why I won't be giving examples on what to change dialogue-wise and leave it to you to choose how you would change it/if you would at all. I will be reading further into the story once I've cleared my backlog out a bit further. I will leave my comments in your story when I get to that point.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):

“They say timing is everything in love. You need the right atmosphere, the right string of events...basically, they say that if you have all the preparations set up, it won't matter whether or not you’re Mr. Right for someone; given the optimal circumstances, anyone could sway a girl's heart.” - As an avid watcher of hallmark, I’ll say I love cheesy stuff like this, and you completely nailed that tone.

“Hear me out. This is the story of me and my bad luck. And it starts at the very beginning, during middle school.” - Understand the pain. Got my heart broken in fourth grade and never learned to love again after that.

“…okay, that last one sounded way too sad” - Very cliche line, but it kind of works with the voice so far.

“Most people start with scissors,” - That’s a complete lie. Almost everyone goes rock first.

“pleasant I can’t imagine her bursting into uncontrollable laughter.” - A person who can’t just spontaneously laugh doesn’t sound like a pleasant person at all.

““Student council work seems pretty taxing based on that annoyed look on your face just now.” - gonna need to be sold on this being an actual middle schooler, and not a grown man in disguise with how he’s been speaking.

“I don’t know what expression she had on her face because I was facing away from her, but she eventually ran up to me and we proceeded to take a detour and buy donuts.” - You’ve sold me so far. I’m just a bit disappointed to know preemptively that this relationship doesn’t work out.

Amateur_Artist2008 said:
Here's my submission. I know it's not the best right now, I plan on doing revisions eventually.

Realms & Shadows

The Nyorans are a race of wolves in the world of Tenoria that are born with an affinity for one of five elements: fire, earth, water, ice, and lightning. Despite their differences, they have managed to find peace between each other. Until 20 years ago, when a mysterious darkness appeared, one...

www.scribblehub.com

Premise wise, I definitely am interested. I took a look at your second chapter because I needed a bit more of an understanding of what your story was to give it a fair shot. I know you don’t want empty compliments, so I’ll come out and say it: your idea is strong, but your execution isn’t doing that idea the justice it deserves. I’ll give you four examples that specifically pulled me out of the story and why.

Example 1: “I didn't react at first, but when I realized what I had seen, my heart skipped a beat, and I looked at both my hands.” This is supposed to be a surprise to the reader, or at least we’re supposed to experience the character’s shock alongside him. But because you delay this by using so many filler words, I genuinely already know the surprise is coming before it has a chance to affect me. Just mention that he doesn’t fully register what he’s seeing at first, and then give us the descriptions.

Example 2: You also have lines like these “Shock hit me,” and “in a panic,” scattered through the story. Just describe to us what his shock and panic felt like. Was sweat beading down his face? Was it hard for him to breathe? Telling us exactly the emotions a character feels directly is rarely as effective as the physical sensations that come with them.

Example 3: You have a massive amount of fall back lines you drift to for interiority and it makes the overall prose feel repetitive. You say “Heart skipped a beat/was pounding,” in rapid succession. And here: “I was facing the sun at the time…” to here “longer and pointed and now rested on the top of my head…” you state that he’s either looking at or lifting his hands. As a reader, I really don’t want to read almost identical wording repeatedly during a single chapter.

Example 4: You also use filler language often. We get a ton of: “I noticed.” “I felt” “I tried.” Just skip past some of them and tell us exactly what is happening, so we’re not constantly getting these buffers that diminish the effect of what they’re preceding. This right here “Turning myself on my back, I noticed that the limbs of the forest trees were what had grabbed me. “What the? Let go of me!" could easily just been “What the? Let go of me!” I shouted, kicking at the branch wrapped around my foot.” We already know he’s getting pulled, we don’t need the statement of what he notices either since we’re already in his perspective and only see things he would otherwise see.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as too aggressive, but there’s still quite a bit to fix in this chapter (which you already acknowledged). I will take another look at this once you've done another round of revisions, and keep doing so until you're satisfied with your work. If you have any questions, want me to go into more detail, or anything else really, just shoot me a message.

Untethered_Seraph · Apr 5, 2026

I would really appreciate suggestions and criticisms

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/2274052-archivist-of-probabilities/chapter/2274536/

Villager_A · Apr 6, 2026

BeezussWrites said:
I’ll keep this one short, because you’ve already got a great idea on where you’re going with this story. You've got an interesting premise, and I actually feel the chemistry between your characters, unlike most romance stories on this site. The character has supernatural bad luck? It’s definitely something I’ll continue reading in my free time, so that along should give you a good idea of how I felt about this. But I’ll give you a few pieces to work on that I think somewhat need to be addressed in order to make it land a bit harder for readers similar to me.

First, the main character has a great voice that perfectly suits the genre, but when you fully remember that he’s probably around twelve years old, it starts to become clear that he’s speaking at a level far above what he should be. I mean, he’d be getting made fun of by a ton of the other kids if he spoke so “eloquently” instead of speaking like a kid. “Student council work seems pretty taxing based on that annoyed look on your face just now.” This could just as easily have been “You look stressed out. What happened during student council?” It’s actually completely fine if his inner narration is this elevated, but someone his age would stumble a bit more if they constantly tried to speak like this instead of everything landing almost perfectly.

The second and really last point I’ll touch on is how overt you made his overall perception of Melissa. We get this “…almost too perfect, I dare say.” And then we get this “After all, you can’t fool me anymore…” and then lastly this “She’s…showing me her true colors…?” I want you to just straight up have all the events happen, and then leave it to me as the reader to understand if there’s some underlying meaning. Don’t hammer home the point over a dozen times please.

That’s honestly pretty much it. I don’t have too much to say currently that I was fully upset with. You don’t have any glaring grammar problems, and the concept itself is definitely enjoyable. I just hope that later down the line I won’t see another middle schooler with this same speaking style as the two we’ve seen so far seem to have.

This story is genuinely strong, which is why I won't be giving examples on what to change dialogue-wise and leave it to you to choose how you would change it/if you would at all. I will be reading further into the story once I've cleared my backlog out a bit further. I will leave my comments in your story when I get to that point.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):

“They say timing is everything in love. You need the right atmosphere, the right string of events...basically, they say that if you have all the preparations set up, it won't matter whether or not you’re Mr. Right for someone; given the optimal circumstances, anyone could sway a girl's heart.” - As an avid watcher of hallmark, I’ll say I love cheesy stuff like this, and you completely nailed that tone.

“Hear me out. This is the story of me and my bad luck. And it starts at the very beginning, during middle school.” - Understand the pain. Got my heart broken in fourth grade and never learned to love again after that.

“…okay, that last one sounded way too sad” - Very cliche line, but it kind of works with the voice so far.

“Most people start with scissors,” - That’s a complete lie. Almost everyone goes rock first.

“pleasant I can’t imagine her bursting into uncontrollable laughter.” - A person who can’t just spontaneously laugh doesn’t sound like a pleasant person at all.

““Student council work seems pretty taxing based on that annoyed look on your face just now.” - gonna need to be sold on this being an actual middle schooler, and not a grown man in disguise with how he’s been speaking.

“I don’t know what expression she had on her face because I was facing away from her, but she eventually ran up to me and we proceeded to take a detour and buy donuts.” - You’ve sold me so far. I’m just a bit disappointed to know preemptively that this relationship doesn’t work out.

Premise wise, I definitely am interested. I took a look at your second chapter because I needed a bit more of an understanding of what your story was to give it a fair shot. I know you don’t want empty compliments, so I’ll come out and say it: your idea is strong, but your execution isn’t doing that idea the justice it deserves. I’ll give you four examples that specifically pulled me out of the story and why.

Example 1: “I didn't react at first, but when I realized what I had seen, my heart skipped a beat, and I looked at both my hands.” This is supposed to be a surprise to the reader, or at least we’re supposed to experience the character’s shock alongside him. But because you delay this by using so many filler words, I genuinely already know the surprise is coming before it has a chance to affect me. Just mention that he doesn’t fully register what he’s seeing at first, and then give us the descriptions.

Example 2: You also have lines like these “Shock hit me,” and “in a panic,” scattered through the story. Just describe to us what his shock and panic felt like. Was sweat beading down his face? Was it hard for him to breathe? Telling us exactly the emotions a character feels directly is rarely as effective as the physical sensations that come with them.

Example 3: You have a massive amount of fall back lines you drift to for interiority and it makes the overall prose feel repetitive. You say “Heart skipped a beat/was pounding,” in rapid succession. And here: “I was facing the sun at the time…” to here “longer and pointed and now rested on the top of my head…” you state that he’s either looking at or lifting his hands. As a reader, I really don’t want to read almost identical wording repeatedly during a single chapter.

Example 4: You also use filler language often. We get a ton of: “I noticed.” “I felt” “I tried.” Just skip past some of them and tell us exactly what is happening, so we’re not constantly getting these buffers that diminish the effect of what they’re preceding. This right here “Turning myself on my back, I noticed that the limbs of the forest trees were what had grabbed me. “What the? Let go of me!" could easily just been “What the? Let go of me!” I shouted, kicking at the branch wrapped around my foot.” We already know he’s getting pulled, we don’t need the statement of what he notices either since we’re already in his perspective and only see things he would otherwise see.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as too aggressive, but there’s still quite a bit to fix in this chapter (which you already acknowledged). I will take another look at this once you've done another round of revisions, and keep doing so until you're satisfied with your work. If you have any questions, want me to go into more detail, or anything else really, just shoot me a message.

Thanks for all the detailed feedback! This is exactly what I wanted in a review. Let me give some extra context on the creation of this story and then I'll address your feedback because I definitely love it, especially the constructive ones.

First off, this was a story I made 11 years ago. However, that version had a limit of 3 pages per chapter and 3 chapters per story arc. I decided to come back to this because I remembered how much promise this backbone had, and so here we are. As such, I mainly added on things. For example, in the original's introduction of Joseph, Barry just says in his narration "Oh yeah this is Joseph. He's been my friend since grade school." In the new one, I had him cover Barry's line of sight with his ass and had Barry narrate how they became friends. Arc 2's chapter 2 "I wasn't blushing was I?" didn't exist in the original, and I just summarized what they did in narration. Because I had a 3-page 3-chapter limit back then.

That said, because I was mainly adding things, I sometimes just left certain lines of dialogue in the original if they served the story, one of which was the "Student council work seems pretty taxing based on that annoyed look on your face just now" line. I was mainly telling not showing back then, and as I'm working on arc 3 right now, there's like this line where Barry says "my heart broke" in narration so I needed to remove that and go into detail into what he was feeling, what his body was doing, how he was physically reacting, and what was going on in his head instead of spelling it out. In the examples you mentioned I failed to do that. So I will definitely go back to it. That being said, I personally think arc 1 is the weakest among all the arcs, and there's a reason for it. It's the first of several arcs, roughly a third of it being introduction of the characters, and they're in middle school.

As for Barry being like a grown man: agree. I actually have him change per arc as the years go on (from middle school to high school) so I need to be extra conscious of having him be more childish here in the first. That being said, my character profile for him is that he's still way more emotionally mature and perceptive than people his age, not because of him being the main protagonist, but because his luck knows no mercy and is completely external; he lives his life in a constant hyper attentive state, which allows him to be more mature than others. He doesn't say "aww I'm so unlucky" he decides against using bills and using coins so that in case the vending machine breaks he minimizes his losses.

It seems you haven't seen the third chapter yet, so I'm really curious how you would react to it, as well as how I moved from it with the opening of arc 2. Your instinct is right: the fact that Barry the narrator opens by saying he was wrong and that timing was everything already hints that things don't go right; the only question is how.

On the rock paper scissors bit: I took that from my experience. Apparently rock is the most used move statistically. I just remember scissors being the most used where I grew up. I'll fix that.

Lastly, since I told you I already made the base story 11 years ago, trust that this has an ending and I'm not just making things as the deadlines approach. The story will lead somewhere and will definitely end. In fact, I've already finished all but 3 chapters already; I'm just pacing the releases to get readership so I can get more feedback like yours.

The feedback isn't aggressive at all, it's very constructive actually. I just need to work on the immediate next chapter for now to keep up with my schedule and then I'll revisit this first arc with the notes you've provided.

Again, thank you very much for taking the time to read my first two chapters so far! When you have time, do let me know in a review or a message how the chapters where "shit goes down" goes (you'll know when you get there). Once I finish writing chapter 3-2 the upload speed will be faster because the next unfinished chapter is a ways ahead.

ElijahRyne · Apr 6, 2026

BeezussWrites said:
I'll read the first chapter of your story. I'm a better reader than a writer, so my points will be focused on how it made me feel than a super in depth analysis. As such, don't expect developmental level dissection: it'll just be a wall of text about what I liked and didn't like. I also have a tendency to tell people to "Write my way" without realizing, so feel free to tell me to shut up if I ever cross that line.

Here you go: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2276316/the-meditations/

BeezussWrites · Apr 7, 2026

Talon88.1 said:
Always looking to improve, edited several chunks based on a roasters review too.
Please and thank you!

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40k)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

Honestly, the only connection I have to warhammer is from sending issues of white dwarf for close to a decade. To be honest, it’s hard to get someone’s opinion on a fanfic when they don’t fully grasp the context behind the setting. But I’ll give you my opinion on it purely as a story and I hope it helps out a bit:

I’ll mostly leave the review to the line-by-line, because my overall feelings are already stated there, so I’ll just state what worked well to me, and what didn’t.

What worked well was the voice, which was honestly a massive positive. Those small little lines she had that showed us who exactly she was; a confident woman who’s not willing to be intimidated, or at least show it because she knows what happens to those that depend on her if she does. I just wish we got more focus on that in the story.

As for what didn’t land for me, it’s that stacking of descriptive phrases you tied into every aspect of the story. The first thing I’d suggest tackling is the constant use of descriptors you added to almost every variation of “she said,” such as “Elissa repeated, her voice firm but not unkind.” You piled so many of these on it started to feel like you weren’t confident enough in the tone you set during the dialogue and needed to double up to make sure we understood.

Usually I’d say to trust the readers to understand what you meant (which I still think applies here), but the biggest thing I’d suggest is to trust yourself. You know how to deliver a meaning through action and dialogue like with this: “Damn. That is a nice ride, she thought wryly, her lips quirking into a brief, humorless smile. Wonder who he stole it from?” Rely on those.

Point of view slipped throughout the entire story, and it broke my immersion. When I get parts like: “but the purposeful set of her shoulders and the sharp glint of her emerald eyes heightened their interest tonight.” When you swap to a different perspective and describe something the character we’re reading about shouldn’t know, it makes me realize that I’m reading a book written by the author.

Overall, you have very clear strengths as a writer, but your main weakness was distracting and pulled me out a bit. I have faith you can turn this into something special, but it’ll come at the cost of trimming it down so other readers can fully appreciate it. If you have any questions, want me to explain something further, or just think I missed something, feel free to send me a message.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):

“As the sun dipped below the horizon, the desert sands turned to molten gold in the dying light.” - very good opening.

“The aroma mixed with the dry, earthy scent of the small home carved into the rock.” - Already can tell you have a good voice so far.

“From the adjoining room came the sound of water splashing and the occasional burst of laughter, the chaotic noise of her daughters still holding a comforting familiarity.” - this is where you should’ve zoomed back into a head. But you chose to keep it at this distance. If you’re going to keep going as an omniscient narration, then this voice is fine. But if you plan on continuing from her at close-third, then I want to start hearing the main character’s voice.

“practiced motion.” - the problem with saying “practiced motion” is it doesn’t actually give us a visual tell to what’s happening, rather a label. Give us some sort of interaction that makes it feel practiced, such as her tucking the strand of hair behind her ear without looking.

“weary authority” - I’m starting to see a bit of a pattern where you have these extra adjectives to describe words that already kind of have a description themselves. If this was isolated, it’s actually fine, but compounded with the rest of your uses so far it starts to detract from their impact.

“The young man's voice came through, tight with a tension that made her pause.” - When you stack modifiers, you’re not building up for impact, but rather blunting it. Just think about it like saying “this man was poised… too calm… and almost terrifyingly controlled. So it doesn’t come off as too vague, I’ll give you a description of how I feel like the sentence could’ve flowed: “the strain in the young man’s voice made her pause.”

“but he wasn't prone to overreacting—not in Dusthaven” - ‘Not in Dusthaven’ doesn’t relate to the person it’s describing, and it almost changes the entire sentence to feel like: “He wasn’t prone to overreacting. But only here in Duskhaven, everywhere else, he does.”

“impossible armor” - I’m so used to seeing this said in novels recently, but I genuinely don’t understand what impossible means as a qualifier here. Impossibly heavy? It’s too vague to leave any sort of impact as it stands.

“Kala answered, her usual rebellious edge still present, though tempered by adulthood.” - these are the types of things that really need to be delivered through either dialogue or interactions. Don’t drop defining character traits in lines of exposition.

"And if I'm not back in twenty minutes, take the roast out of the oven. Don't burn it like last time," she added dryly. - Just want to say that I really like this line. Gives us so much character about our main character quickly.

“The voice of Kala replied from upstairs, more amused than anything.” - too many words to describe too little. It’s a simple emotional moment that doesn’t need extra narration to deliver it.

“Above, the solid stone of the mountain under which Dusthaven was carved loomed, blocking out the stars.” - This section, all the way to “the night sky peek through, would be better condensed. Above doesn’t need to be stated because we’re talking about the stars, and the first sentence should’ve been describing the shade/darkness that comes from the mountain blocking them, leading into talking about the sky peaking through to the south. The mountain provided a decent amount of world building, but the setting around us still needs to be fleshed out.

“Yet, as Elissa strode with determination… tonight.” - Two thoughts on this. First, what is yet contrasting at the start of this? And second, the whole thing felt like a cat walk almost with how everything played out. We get, “she walked with determination,” leading into “purposeful shoulders,” and finally “sharp glint of her emerald eyes.” I know I’m supposed to feel tension here, but we’re so focused on the performance that it takes away from the urgency.

“Damn. That is a nice ride, she thought wryly, her lips quirking into a brief, humorless smile. Wonder who he stole it from?” - honestly, your character’s voice is the strongest point of this story so far. Have her voice meld a bit more with the prose.

“"Oh shit— the roast!" - Honestly, I forgot about it too. Great way to end this chapter off on.

Castoroftheink · Apr 7, 2026

Please and thank you in advance!

Gaia Gone

Nature wants to evolve. The Government and Big Pharma are making a profit by stopping it. In the middle of it all, are regular people, going about their lives, trying to live the best they can. Who needs a hero when you got neighbors like these?

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Eldoria · Apr 10, 2026

Please try mine again, dude. I'm trying to fix my hiatus fiction after rewriting it. I'm wondering if this prologue has a hook to keep readers interested. You don't need to dissect the manuscript technically, just give your opinion... are you interested in reading this fiction after reading the prologue? Thank you.

Arclight Kingdom...

At the western end of the continent stood a kingdom that looked like a painting of eternal spring. Marble towers rose. The flower festival decorated the capital.

The sky was glowing with the rose colour of dusk. Cherry blossom petals fell as a horse-drawn carriage passed through the crowded streets.

Thousands of citizens stood along the road, welcoming a silver-haired young man riding along the cobblestone path.

“The Light of Arclight has returned!”

“Prince Lune... we love you..."

Lune waved to the crowd. The girls blushed at his smile.

...

At the gates of the palace, a maiden and a little girl had been waiting since morning. The wind fluttered the strands of their skirts.

A maiden in a pink dress ran ahead. Her blue hair gleamed like wet sapphires.

"Lune! You came back unscathed… I was worried…" She hugged him tightly.

Lune gasped. But he responded with the poise of a returning knight.

“I’m back,” he whispered, gently patting her back.

"I missed you so much… Lune. Why didn't you come home sooner?"

Lune patted her back. “I want to go home as soon as possible, Rubea. But in the north, the situation is still unstable. The Kingdom of Darkness is in chaos. We must remain alert.”

Rubea tightened her hug. “And now?”

“For now, everything is safe.
I will protect you,” he said softly.

Rubea let go of her hug and looked at him. Her face flushed, like the petals of a rose touched by the sun—

A small hand tugged at the hem of his white cloth. Lune looked down.

A little girl in a white dress stood looking at him. Her face was like soft porcelain. “Big Brother, are you alright?”

Lune smiled, knelt down and hugged her little sister.

“Lys… you come to say hello, Big Brother?" His hand ran through her silver hair. "I’m fine. Your Big Brother is strong.”

"I'm glad... You're fine." Her tiny chin rested on his brother's shoulder.

"The palace is deserted without Big Brother…” Her sweet voice was a little hoarse.

"I'm sorry, Lys. I miss you, too." He hugged her tightly for a moment.

He let go of his arms and looked into his little sister's blue eyes. "We'll play together again, won't we?"

"Really?" She raised her little finger to her big brother. "Promise?"

"Of course." He hooked his finger with hers. "When has your Big Brother ever lied to you?"

“Yay,” sweet voice echoed.

Rubea stood still for a moment. Her hands clutched the hem of her skirt as her purple eyes sharpened, reflecting Lune and her little sister.

"Rubea..." A soft voice echoed, and she smiled softly again.

Lune stood and grabbed both girls' hands gently. "I'm home... thank you for greeting me."

...

They walked down the hall. The orange light slipped through, the white floor glistening.

The waiters bowed; the knight paid their respects.

They arrived at the great hall. Lune took a step forward.

The King and Queen stood in front of the golden throne. The twilight light painted their faces in golden silhouettes.

“I’m back... Father King... Queen Mother,” Lune bowed respectfully.

“Welcome, my son,” they replied in unison.

The Queen stepped forward. “How was your trip up north, my son?” Her voice contained tenderness.

Lune nodded. “Smoothly, Queen Mother. But the situation there… is not yet stable. The Kingdom of Darkness is still in chaos. A new king has been elected, but the people have not accepted it.”

The Queen’s expression darkened briefly before the King gently reassured her.

“Lune has won many wars. I believe in him.”

"Father is right... Mother." Lune smiled faintly, his eyes dimmed. "I will protect all of you."

The Queen returned her smile. “I trust you.”

“Come on, dear," the King said. "Our son is back. Let's celebrate!”

The banquet began. Wine flowed, music filled the hall, and laughter scattered like petals in the air.

Lune stood in front of the ballroom, accompanied by Lys and Rubea.

The marble floor glistened as they greeted the nobles one by one.

“Prince, you are getting handsome.” A man in a black suit shook his hand. “Thank you for your help. My daughter was healed because of you.”

Lune nodded. "Equally, Count. As a fellow academy member, I was only doing my duty."

The Count released his handshake and brushed the black hair behind his head.

“My daughter, Cinderella, is very grateful for Prince’s help,"

He smiled. "Since you treated her, she has not stopped writing poems about you. She looks forward to your return visit.”

Rubea gripped Lune's hand tightly, her lips smiled faintly.

...

After the greeting line is over, Lune fed his little sister.

A spoon containing a piece of cake was directed towards the little mouth. “Open your mouth, Aaa…”

"Mmm..." her cheeks puffed up like a squirrel. "It's yummy."

Rubea stared at their proximity, her lips curved downwards.

A blonde-haired girl approached him, her silver armor gleaming.

She stood up and patted her chest. “Prince Lune, how are you?”

Lune looked at her. "Hestia! I'm good. And you?"

“Good, Prince. Glad to see Mr. Prince back." Her golden eyes glanced at Lys. "Still feed your beloved little sister, huh?"

Her hand covered her mouth followed by a seductive sound. "Good brother~”

Lune gave a small giggle. "Lys wants to be fed by me."

Hestia smiled. “Starting tomorrow, I will serve as the Prince’s personal bodyguard. Direct orders from the Queen.”

Lune sighed and placed the plate on the silver table.

“The Queen Mother is indeed too worried…" He stretched out his hand. "I hope we can work together.”

“I also seek guidance, Prince,” she shook his hand

Rubea hugged his arm tightly. “Hestia, do you have something to say to my fiancé?”

"No," Hestia stared Lune. "See you tomorrow, Prince."

"See you," he nodded.

Rubea pointed to the dance hall. “Lune, let’s dance~”

“Alright," Lune held her hand.

He turned to his little sister for a moment. "Lys, wait here..."

"Please, Big Brother,” she nodded.

Lune led Rubea in perfect moves. They danced to the rhythm of the symphony like a pair of swans in spring.

Applause echoed through the hall as they stood side by side on the sparkling floor.

...

The night was getting late. The lanterns went out one by one, leaving the dim corridors of the palace as if drowsy in darkness.

The sky over the park hung a full moon. A thin cloud marched slowly, closing it for a moment.

Lune walked alone to the center of the garden and stood under the apple tree. The shadow of the tree stretches long into the footstone.

"It's too wonderful today. Love everywhere. Smiles everywhere," he thought.

White steam came out of his mouth.

"But can I maintain this peace? The situation in the Kingdom of Darkness is worse than reported. Their new king... is a sword grandmaster."

"Meanwhile I'm just a sword expert." His hand gripped the hilt of his sword tightly.

Lune stood in silence for a moment, staring up at the night sky.

A gentle breeze blew, rustling her silver hair. A sweet aroma wafted through the air.

Brown Leaves danced in the air and fell on her silver hair. For a moment… it was silence—

“Prince Lune…" a gentle female voice echoed. Lune turned quickly.

The wind blew hard, blowing the leaves along with the mist. Lune shielded his face with his arms. His feet pressed against the flat rocks.

The wind slowly died down, the leaves fell to the green ground. Lune lowered his arms; his eyes widened.

At the far end of the garden, under the arch of the silver gate, stood a mysterious woman. Her aura felt too warm.

Tap… tap… tap… Her steps kept getting closer.

She in a red robe stood under the moonlight; her face shrouded in shadow.

Lune looked at her. “Who... are you?”

She opened her lips. “Red Sage.”

Lune stood alert; his hand reached for the hilt of the sword—

She raised her palms. “Everyone loves you. But… is it love?”

Lune narrowed his blue eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Untested love… is it really love?” Her hands clenched into fists.

The leaves on the ground trembled, flying on air. A red aura radiated, enveloped Lune.

Red Sage smiled. “Your level is now Grandmaster equivalent. It's merely a reflection of their hope to you.”

His eyes widened. “...Hope?”

Red Sage nodded. “But what if that hope is extinguished?”

She spread her hands, the red aura surrounding Lune fading.

"My level..." he whispered.

Lune stood frozen for a moment; his lips curved downwards.

Red Sage placed her palm on her chest. “If you follow my challenge, I will give you the power to protect your kingdom for a hundred years."

Lune released his grip on the hilt of his sword. “What’s the challenge?”

Red Sage pulled something out from behind her cloak. A red apple sparkled like a ruby gem.

She took out a small knife from the end of her robe sleeve and slowly split the apple until two perfect halves were formed.

She took one bite. “Sweet...”

“This apple is a choice,” her voice was clear, like the sound of a spring running through autumn. “Eat! It helps you sleep for a year."

She held out the other half. "Don't worry! You will remain as you are now when you wake up."

Lune accepted the half of apple.

“If they wait for you, you'll win. But if not, the crown will be no longer yours."

"Are you willing to see the truth?” she whispered.

Lune squeezed the fruit. "I'm sorry..." He shook his head. "I can't accept your challenge. I have to protect—"

"I know... your concerns, Prince." Red Sage lifted her hood, revealing the face of a beautiful woman. Her red hair glistened in the moonlight.

"I promise to protect your kingdom from border threats."

Lune flinched, taking a step back. "Is it true?"

"I never break my promises." A charming smile adorned her face.

Lune looked up at stars blinked. “Deal. I believe they will wait for me.”

Red Sage stepped back into the darkness. "There is no compulsion, Prince. That apple can only be eaten by you."

Lune stared the fruit for a moment.

His eyes stared ahead. The leaves fell on the grassy ground. Red Sage disappeared like a leaf blown away by the wind.

"Red Sage..." he whispered.

...

The air was getting more and more stinging. Lune returned to his room.

He removed his robe and sat on the edge of his bed. His eyes fixed on the window, where the moon hung.

"Rubea, my fiancée... Hestia, my best friend... Anna, my maid... Lys, my little sister."

His lower lip was bitten. "Will you all wait for me?"

He sat silently for a moment. His eyes dimmed, leaving a silence to accompany him.

Lune took a half of red apple on the silver table. His face reflected off the surface of the fruit.

"I believe you all."

One bite. A sweet taste crept across his tongue. His eyes started to get heavy.

The world began to spin slowly. He collapsed on his bed.

The night sky above Arclight Castle felt quieter than usual. Outside, the world began to change, waiting for someone... they might no longer recognized when he woke up.

BeezussWrites · Apr 10, 2026

Eldoria said:
dissect the manuscript technically

That's a "Don't do what you did last time, please" statement lol. Since you don't want anything too in-depth, I'll just rapid fire this one out now:

You have a strong premise and an even stronger ending point, and I'd definitely keep reading. There's honestly two interesting ways you could take it, and I'm not fully sure which one you were planning on going with. One, all those people genuinely don't love him and were using him. Two, they do all love him but either have circumstances that make them unable to express it, or are effected by some magical charm to believe they don't. Either way, I'd definitely read to the second chapter to figure out what the answer is.

I'll stop there specifically since I'm sure you just wanted a yes or no on if the concept itself worked. If you eventually want something a bit more depth just let me know and I'll expand on it. If not, I hope it was enough to get you started.

Eldoria · Apr 10, 2026

BeezussWrites said:
That's a "Don't do what you did last time, please" statement lol. Since you don't want anything too in-depth, I'll just rapid fire this one out now:

You have a strong premise and an even stronger ending point, and I'd definitely keep reading. There's honestly two interesting ways you could take it, and I'm not fully sure which one you were planning on going with. One, all those people genuinely don't love him and were using him. Two, they do all love him but either have circumstances that make them unable to express it, or are effected by some magical charm to believe they don't. Either way, I'd definitely read to the second chapter to figure out what the answer is.

I'll stop there specifically since I'm sure you just wanted a yes or no on if the concept itself worked. If you eventually want something a bit more depth just let me know and I'll expand on it. If not, I hope it was enough to get you started.

Thanks, dude. My goal was to validate the premise. If it's worth reading, I might follow it up to be a series.

Coldwarrior12 · Saturday at 12:17 AM

Here is mine, thanks

I Fell For The Rider Jane

A mysterious rider. A once‑in‑a‑decade race. A deal sealed with a date. Jane Garmstock’s life changes the moment Clarice walks into her shop, offering her a chance at the Reactor Zek and pulling her into a dangerous, irresistible connection. But dreams have a price, and love...

www.scribblehub.com

BeezussWrites · Saturday at 1:59 PM

Humanistheart said:
lol right?
The Peach of Petalik | Scribble Hub

Please and thank you,

TLDR: Interesting take on an ethical question on how important agency is in romance. However, chapter 1’s execution relies on portraying how vulnerable the main character is, which makes this story feel less about courtship and more about a transfer of guardianship. You address this well with chapter two, but it’s possible that it comes too late for many readers.

This was definitely harder for me to tackle than the other stories, because of the sensitive topics it tackles. As such, I’ll try and stay focused on the concept of why it did/didn’t land, rather than execution (for the most part).

This is the central theme of your story that you end the first chapter off with: “About what it meant to pursue someone like Miribelle with dignity, ethically, with agency... could it be done?” I don’t know the answer to that question, and I believe your story is attempting to answer that question for me, which does make me feel somewhat uncomfortable. But to be honest? That might be your concept’s selling point. It’s a question that needs to be looked at. At what point does being dependent on another infringe on your right to experience love, and what point does the line get drawn between a partnership and a guardianship.

Currently, Miribelle’s condition portrays her so vulnerable to the point that it becomes hard to imagine she can even survive on her own. If the goal is to present this as Carver choosing a life that’s both a partnership/guardianship (which I’m starting to think your “could it be done” statement by him is hinted at), then I think that you’ve leaned too far into presenting this as a normal courtship. This is a strange dynamic, but the easy going tone clashes with the uncomfortable question you’re presenting to me. That “Could it be done” line should be the focal point of how Carver approaches Miribelle and her father, not a side note at the end of the chapter.

However, if your goal is a standard courtship in spite of her condition, then you should give her more independence so I can believe it’s even possible. We get a portion like here ““Sometimes I forget things…” where it seems like you might be trying to convey that point with her being surprisingly insightful, but a statement like that isn’t enough when all her actions/the general perception of her has contradicted that so far. I’ll give you a suggestion based on what I would’ve helped the story avoid painting her in such a harsh light (if that wasn’t your intention in the first place):

Keep the first two paragraphs from the opening and then throw us into the peach meeting. It would get rid of the “oh that poor girl,” stuff that the whole town’s been hammering home. And it would give you more space to flesh out exactly why Carver came to like her. But if you want to keep the overall story structure the same, then even just having Miribelle be the one to approach her father and say “That’s the peach boy. Can we have another peach,” would do so much work to ease me into their dynamic.

If you want me to tackle this again because you believe I misunderstood something, feel free to let me know and I’ll try and address it.

EDIT: Alright, I read the second chapter of your story, and I have to say this alone addressed almost all of my original points. We get to see Miribelle not as someone incapable of living on her own, but rather someone with a fully unique outlook on life. I initially wrote about shifting the story to first/close third instead of omniscient, but the second chapter changed my mind, convincing me it can work. Because the second chapter change it so, instead of getting a story about an outsider’s perspective on Miribelle, we got that same omniscient feel but anchored inside of Miribelle’s logic. If this is the Miribelle you’re attempting to portray, then I believe it’s strong. But because your first chapter paints her in such a different light, many readers who might otherwise enjoy this might be turned away before they get to this point. I honestly think this could work better as either the prologue to give readers a taste of who she is, or stitched into the beginning of chapter one. But overall, this improved my reading experience by quite a bit.

Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):

The ribbons were worn stiff with pride, but the peaches? - Feels like the comma after pride should’ve been a period for rhythm’s sake.

“They were always soft, sweet things... much like Miribelle.” - Love omniscient narrators, especially with these types of voices.

“He purchased a "Model Package" spell, a Ministry-approved magical enhancement. Nothing particularly illicit, just a few subtle tweaks: glossier hair, a soft pout to her lips, a sparkle in her gaze, and a modest but noticeable bosom boost.” - This kind of comes off as her father agreeing with everyone else that she has nothing to offer beyond desirability, and it’s a stark contrast to how I’ve viewed him otherwise.

““But no one’s come courting in months,” Mrs. Tansy finished, wringing her lace napkin.” - Don’t need so many different versions of her struggles with courtship in this chapter.

“I looked up her input crystal, from her choker. That’s permitted, so long as it’s not for financial gain. I filed a Notice of Intent. I would like to formally request permission to court her.” - I actually really enjoy the worldbuilding pieces like this, but I feel like this is essentially a dog collar attached with a gps.

“It's just, she’s of peak courting age,” - Alright, I looked at the synopsis after this and realized why these things were throwing me off. We’re told preemptively that this is a society filled with ableism and is a patriarchy. But the problem is it’s filtered through this somewhat whimsical omniscient narrator that almost tries to soften the blow. It’s like having someone clap and say “I hit your dog with my car!” It’s a huge tonal clash that I’m not fully sure worked for me so far.

“She speaks in colors. And sometimes forgets the right words.” - This feels like it came straight out of Miribelle’s mouth. It’s possible this is your way of trying to make the connection clearer, but I feel like it somewhat detracted from Miribelle’s unique voice by giving it to another.

“calm and flat. Anger low and a firm, plain voice.” - This is six descriptions for his voice in the span of nine words.

“Because maybe this one man was.” - I really, really do like the sentiment here.

“About what it meant to pursue someone like Miribelle with dignity, ethically, with agency... could it be done?” - Actually a good point, because I don’t know the answer to that either.

IonicZion · Saturday at 6:55 PM

Here's mine! Thank you :D!

The Delusional Hero

The Hero got cursed.... to be really dumb Ten years ago, the Hero sealed the Demon King and saved the world. In his final moments, the Demon King cast a curse — not to kill him, but to shatter his memory… and basically made him stupid. Now the Hero barely remembers...

www.scribblehub.com

TrutherP · Monday at 7:43 PM

Thoughts on my first chapter? Its also a psychological horror just like your book that I've read.

April Doesn’t Exist

Can 1 man really conquer the entire world? All 7 continental Landmarks? What does it mean to lead? To sacrifice? What does it mean to be a good person? Does it even matter? What does it really mean to make change? 'Issak,' a unique 'boy' born with a 'complication,' uses...

www.scribblehub.com

BeezussWrites · 2026-04-16T02:42:24+0100

Cookiez_N_Potionz said:
I would really appreciate feedback whenever your free

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...

www.scribblehub.com

Sorry about it taking so long. Been trying to focus on my own writing, so I got a bit distracted:

“Sage Cartwright broke her 2 month clean streak as she smoked a cigarette.” That line pops. And, combined with the relapse sentence right after it, I had super high hopes for the story out the gate. If you ever plan on revising this at any point, I’d suggest leaving those two lines as close to what they currently are as possible. Your narration has that same voice as your character, and I think that’s probably the biggest strength of your story.

However, there are a number of: tense slips, run on sentences, and comma splices that make it hard to appreciate your story in its current state. It’s somewhat hard to tell when specific thoughts end and another begins, and makes some of the narration sound unnatural. If you ever want a detailed list of line-edits, I’m more than willing to provide them.

Your other big strength is that you sometimes paint this small detail in the overall picture that helps flesh out the society/people of your story, but don’t linger on it for too long. The one I think worked the most was the offhand snippet about a pregnant woman named Hillary sitting at a nearby table during the match. You called her one of the “big 5,” and I think that makes me wonder if she’s coming to maintain some sort of image, or if she genuinely enjoys going to the club. I’m curious about her specifically, because it felt like you kind of drew my attention to her, so I do hope she has a meaningful impact later down the line.

Next thing I want to talk about is the highest risk/reward set up of your story. You revealed our main character was 7/20 Black, and just passing in a white society. However, this was delivered completely through exposition so far, instead of actually describing her experiencing them. Such as an off-hand comment from one of her friends, or maybe something that Chuck said actually sticking with her. I do realize that would drastically darken the tone of your story, so I don’t blame you if you want to keep that a lighter part of the story. But without that discomfort, we never really get to experience what I believe is the real tension of your story.

The ending is the last part I’d like to point out. The last line: “They quickly fled on horseback after witnessing a man's death.” Didn’t feel fully satisfying, because the action it’s connected to was described in one sentence and then completely moved past. It’s also separated by a ton of disconnected words that almost made me forget what it was describing. As for the battle itself, I would’ve liked more details. Could she feel the heat from the fireball? Did she hear the loud thud of the birds hitting the ground, or icicles slamming into them? It builds up intensity and without those descriptions, it more so comes off as a list of battle descriptions rather than this tension-filled scene it should’ve been.

The last, smaller point I’ll touch on is that I didn’t read your synopsis, so when I got to the point about the bird I felt like the genre flipped on its head. Not that this is a big problem, but I’d keep in mind that other readers might also skim the synopsis and jump right in. A small piece of them using magic during the match would’ve solved this in my opinion, but again, if your point was to catch us off guard then it’s not needed. As for your plot, the only thing I’d say is that ‘Critters’ felt like it tonally clashed with the severity of the monsters you described. But, if this is specifically a high-class description only, then it could work as a subtle show of their disconnect from regular society.

Overall point is that you know how to realistically write a character and their underlying struggles with society, but this story still needs a clean pass to fix up some of the mechanical problems. If you’re going to keep after this, I’d love to keep up with your journey, so feel free to ask me to take a look at whatever changes you make if you feel like this was helpful.

Cookiez_N_Potionz · 2026-04-16T05:25:31+0100

BeezussWrites said:
Sorry about it taking so long. Been trying to focus on my own writing, so I got a bit distracted:

“Sage Cartwright broke her 2 month clean streak as she smoked a cigarette.” That line pops. And, combined with the relapse sentence right after it, I had super high hopes for the story out the gate. If you ever plan on revising this at any point, I’d suggest leaving those two lines as close to what they currently are as possible. Your narration has that same voice as your character, and I think that’s probably the biggest strength of your story.

However, there are a number of: tense slips, run on sentences, and comma splices that make it hard to appreciate your story in its current state. It’s somewhat hard to tell when specific thoughts end and another begins, and makes some of the narration sound unnatural. If you ever want a detailed list of line-edits, I’m more than willing to provide them.

Your other big strength is that you sometimes paint this small detail in the overall picture that helps flesh out the society/people of your story, but don’t linger on it for too long. The one I think worked the most was the offhand snippet about a pregnant woman named Hillary sitting at a nearby table during the match. You called her one of the “big 5,” and I think that makes me wonder if she’s coming to maintain some sort of image, or if she genuinely enjoys going to the club. I’m curious about her specifically, because it felt like you kind of drew my attention to her, so I do hope she has a meaningful impact later down the line.

Next thing I want to talk about is the highest risk/reward set up of your story. You revealed our main character was 7/20 Black, and just passing in a white society. However, this was delivered completely through exposition so far, instead of actually describing her experiencing them. Such as an off-hand comment from one of her friends, or maybe something that Chuck said actually sticking with her. I do realize that would drastically darken the tone of your story, so I don’t blame you if you want to keep that a lighter part of the story. But without that discomfort, we never really get to experience what I believe is the real tension of your story.

The ending is the last part I’d like to point out. The last line: “They quickly fled on horseback after witnessing a man's death.” Didn’t feel fully satisfying, because the action it’s connected to was described in one sentence and then completely moved past. It’s also separated by a ton of disconnected words that almost made me forget what it was describing. As for the battle itself, I would’ve liked more details. Could she feel the heat from the fireball? Did she hear the loud thud of the birds hitting the ground, or icicles slamming into them? It builds up intensity and without those descriptions, it more so comes off as a list of battle descriptions rather than this tension-filled scene it should’ve been.

The last, smaller point I’ll touch on is that I didn’t read your synopsis, so when I got to the point about the bird I felt like the genre flipped on its head. Not that this is a big problem, but I’d keep in mind that other readers might also skim the synopsis and jump right in. A small piece of them using magic during the match would’ve solved this in my opinion, but again, if your point was to catch us off guard then it’s not needed. As for your plot, the only thing I’d say is that ‘Critters’ felt like it tonally clashed with the severity of the monsters you described. But, if this is specifically a high-class description only, then it could work as a subtle show of their disconnect from regular society.

Overall point is that you know how to realistically write a character and their underlying struggles with society, but this story still needs a clean pass to fix up some of the mechanical problems. If you’re going to keep after this, I’d love to keep up with your journey, so feel free to ask me to take a look at whatever changes you make if you feel like this was helpful.

Wow, thank you very much!
Your advice was very eye-opening and sincere

Eraryuu · 2026-04-16T15:56:01+0100

BeezussWrites said:
I'll read the first chapter of your story. I'm a better reader than a writer, so my points will be focused on how it made me feel than a super in depth analysis. As such, don't expect developmental level dissection: it'll just be a wall of text about what I liked and didn't like. I also have a tendency to tell people to "Write my way" without realizing, so feel free to tell me to shut up if I ever cross that line.

Hellow, hope you read
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2283094/fukukishi-with-the-blessing-of-the-goddess-i-undress-you/

Offering feedback on the first chapter of your story (No Smut)

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