Offering feedback on the first chapter of your story (No Smut)

laccoff_mawning said:

Please do.

I've been made aware that the first chapter is somewhat exposition-heavy, and I'm planning on cutting out a few paragraphs on information if necessary.

I don't know if this is too much to ask, but if possible, I'd like feedback on what paragraphs feel boring to read through.

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Nevafrost said:

Here goes my unpublished novel's first chapter

Spoiler: Chapter: 1

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What"s happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling.

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That"s normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don"t you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It"s not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That"s spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It"s interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

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BeezussWrites said:

I’m not going to start by pointing out all the small craft details to keep you from feeling overwhelmed, but the biggest problem I struggled with as a reader with this is trying to figure out how the character felt in the moment. If you have additional questions or want something expanded on, feel free to message me:


“Fire. Screams.” I really would’ve liked more of what the scene felt like than just this. The smell of smoke, what did it look like beyond just fire. And where is the character currently at? A small village on fire?

Next, the entire section from "These rat-bloods!" to "What"s happening?" Who is talking? And what do you mean by black mist, and then everything went blank? What is going blank, I still don’t even know where we’re supposed to be yet.


I’m going to point this part out “who was obviously busy doing her makeup.” Not exactly how I would’ve worded it, but this is a pretty good way to tell us who Harlin is in as short time. More of this.


"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.” In this section, taking out the “Queen Eleeza…” part and putting it either right below on it’s own line, or connected to “I think not…” would help clarify for me who was talking.

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast." Do not put the “Elina mocked her” before the sentence, or you just essentially spoil what the sentence is going to be.

Additionally, if these are the parents, why are we referring to them by their royal names instead of mother and father?

After breakfast, ends with a comma. So it’s clear you knew you needed to add more to the transition there, but just didn’t.


"Don"t you think they will find out?" I’ll say what I’ve said a few times in this thread already, but use conjunctions like “they’ll find out?” I know they’re nobles, but it feels super unnatural for their age.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl.” And the next line kind of does exactly that.


"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened." A bit of a buffer showing if she’s considering not talking about it or at least some sort of acknowledgment of how she’s acting that made the other kids understand. Maybe some sort of inner thoughts or something else. Also, why did she say this morning? It should’ve been last night, correct?


“Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible.” I’d suggest against tangible here. It feels a bit too unnatural, especially for a kid to say.

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream." This is what we should’ve seen, described in more detail to start off the chapter. This chapter would’ve been infinitely stronger just with that alone.

“They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom.” Just the first sentence is really needed here.

“"Hey, Irees.” I assume this is Iris, and maybe Alison is saying her name in an endearing way? But then we get “Irees continued” in prose, which made me question if it was a new person completely or not.

“There were not many students as usual.” Just so I’m aware. Did you mean there were less students than usual, or that there was usually this many students missing? I’m going to assume the second based on context.

“They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport.” If you are going to do lists, the items in the list should follow some sort of pattern. I’d suggest doing this instead “They learn to hone their basic magic skills, such as talking to birds, flying, and teleporting.” It gets rid of the double use of “they learn,” and the improperly used semicolon, while just making it cleaner to read.

“Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though." This whole block just doesn’t feel good to read. We get an action, then dialogue, then action, then more dialogue again and repeat this the whole paragraph. Separate characters by their own actions, give us some more detail than basic expressions, and please, stop putting a dialogue tag before the dialogue if it’s going to spoil what the sentence is going to be about (just repeating this because I want to stress how important this is)


"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom.” …” Obviously this isn’t a great place to end off on, but I assume the three dots mean you’re continuing from this point in a later draft.

All good writers start off at the point you’re at and continue to practice until they get to a point they’re satisfied with, and the great writers are never satisfied. If you’re here for me to tell you that you’ve made something you should be proud of then I will. Any amount of words you put on the page on your own is something you should be proud of. But a writer is a rewriter first and foremost, and the large structural problems will fix as you continue to practice. Just make sure you’re not afraid of criticism, because there’s going to be a ton between now and the end of your journey. My biggest piece of advice for you is to not feel impatient, and be ok with slowing the story down to give us more details on what’s happening in the moment. As a reader, I read to immerse myself into a story, and it’s impossible for me to do so since we’re never really understanding what the character is feeling in the moment.

When you make your next changes, whatever they may be, feel free to post the new version and I’ll tell you if it feels better to me or not.

Good luck on your writing journey.

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katakellex said:

With you, I Can

'I have no reason to live anymore.... So, why am I living in a hell I don't want to?' Kralen Alainz finally had his hopes fulfilled when he entered an A-Rank party. But fate would not be so generous; he soon came face-to-face with a heart-wrenching decision. In a...

www.scribblehub.com

Here is mine. First time publishing anything of this kind. So, it would definitely be helpful to receive some feedback. Definitely, I would not mind any harsh criticism if it does require any.

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BeezussWrites said:

I actually really enjoyed this, even kind of expecting what would come by the end of the chapter. Classic “needs the money to pay for a sick sister” trope, but I’m a sucker for those so it worked for me. Most of your problems in my opinion stem from craft issues more than story fluidity. I do hate saying this to every post, but a really big upgrade would be giving us a few sensations to really help us figure out what exactly the setting feels like. It’s really because of this, that I feel like I’m reading an omniscient narration masking as a third person story. I pointed it out below for a different reason, but “visibly happy.” Who is it visible to? We should only be able to see things from Kralen’s perspective. And the “unknowingly thought,” should just be Kralen being genuinely impressed, but then we have the narrator come down and say “or so he thinks!” Because of these pieces of information we shouldn’t have, and the lack of sensory details like, it feels like we’re reading a summary of a story rather than a lived experience.

You have two distinct versions of foreshadowing in this chapter, the parts where you trust the reader like with Phalina’s warning, and the part you don’t with “unknowingly thought.” We don’t need an ominous feeling that something’s about to come. In fact, if this started as a regular dungeon battle where everyone seemed to be working together perfectly without all the non-stop compliments, we’d be looking at a story where the betrayal was shocking. Additionally, building us up to even care about your characters would help out a ton. We want revenge on the person who pushed the MC in the back, not Reisse the leader (who I assume is the one who did it).

The real question is whether or not you want this to be another story about an MC that gets his revenge after growing stronger but with your twist on it? Or do you want this to be your story that has an MC that gets his revenge in the end (or not honestly). If so, who are the side characters that stand out? The love interest who regrets what she’s about to do to the MC and secretly warns them about the monster they’re going to run into? The sick sister who cared for him and was probably super strong until she got sick? These could be tags for a ton of characters, not just yours. But when I write about a retired science teacher who used his knowledge of chemistry to grow a meth empire, you’ll probably know exactly who I’m talking about.

You don’t need to change the concept of your story, as I said before, it works and I like it. But we’ve gone from the beginning to the end of the chapter and the only thing I know about all but the MC is their names.






Line-by-line, What stood out to me section:

“Reisse asked, looking a bit concerned for his fellow party member.” - fellow part member just seems like such a distant thing to say in this situation.

“Visibly happy that someone other than ‘her’ was caring for him” - We’re third person close on Kralen. So I don’t feel like we need the ‘visibly’ part, and could instead say “He was happy. It had been a long time since someone other than ‘her’ had cared for him.”


“unknowingly thought.” - don’t put the unknowingly part. It kind of spoils what the twist is going to be, or at least that there’s even going to be a twist.


“They all avoided his gaze as though he were a monster.” - I think it would’ve felt better stopping at just avoiding his gaze, the monster part was a bit too direct.

Everyone watched on as if it was a circus, - Maybe a bit less heavy on the analogies. Especially so close to each other, with the previous one and this one “as if a massive weight of guilt were crushing her.”

Kralen felt a wave of confusion. His head still refusing to work at top speed. - I’ll use this as an example of what you’ve done a couple times that frustrates me as a reader. I understood what you were saying with the first sentence, but then you put the second one in there just in case I didn’t fully understand it. You have to trust the readers a bit, and only add another sentence if it serves a different purpose than the first one.

So, I am forever stuck like this?" - maybe “stuck like this forever,” but that’s just taste mostly.

"You will get this money, but only if you don't speak about what happened yesterday. Well, not like anyone will believe you." - A bit too classic evil villain to say “well, not like anyone will believe you.”

“But that hope would shatter quicker than it came.....” This is the perfect ending, though the wording feels a bit clunky to me. Probably the “quicker than it came part.”

Feels like everyone but Reisse and Phalina just disappeared by the end. And honestly, I forgot that Boulock was even in the story until I scrolled up and saw the name again.


I’ll end this off by saying that again, I enjoyed this piece. I really am curious to see what happens with the sister, and want to see him get his revenge. But more than that, I’d like to see that story be told in a way that lets it stand out from the rest of its type. If you have any questions, want me to go into detail about what I said a bit more, or just want to tell me I suck at this, feel free to message me.

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Eldoria said:

Please try mine, dude. Thanks.

Vol 1 Chapter 1: Prologue – A Detective Girl with the Conscience - Gifts from Detective Clara

In the Courtroom... A portly nobleman sat before a judge. A smile spread across his face. The judge—a bald stocky man—stared at the nobleman. Then, he (...)

www.royalroad.com

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BeezussWrites said:

This is most definitely my least clear one so far, so I'm sorry about this. Wrote this before work one day and bits during it the next day.


I feel like you have a great ability to make characters compelling in the small amount of time we have with them. But I want to point out that, just like what I said in the flashback excerpt you posted, I think this could’ve benefited with quite a bit more detail added to generate more tension. So take this in mind with what I’m about to say, and remember that my preferences do not reflect the tastes of readers you’ll see on Scribblehub and Royalroad.

The two biggest things that pulled me out of the scene itself were things you seem to use as a stylistic choice as a writer. Repetition, and short sentences, such as right here: “She stood, glaring at Baron Arnault before turning to the judge. The judge’s eyes narrowed, reflecting the shadow of a girl in black coat.” You end one sentence and then start the next sentence with the words “The Judge,” which means I was reading “the judge. The judge.”


As for the shorter sentences, we have this “The judge placed his gavel on the hard wooden table. He took out his glasses and read the yellow paper. His eyes widened.” Really the biggest way I’d like to explain why I specifically got thrown off is that I felt like I was reading “This happened. And then this happened. And then this happened.” Instead of “This is what initially happened, before it turned to this.” Each period creates a full stop in my head, so instead of the actions flowing in the moment, I’m processing them all as separate events.

Another positive thing I’d like to touch on is this line: “An aristocratic woman sat in the audience, the front surface of the henin hat is engraved with the number zero.” I didn’t even know what a heinin hat was, so I looked it up. The type of hat itself did way more heavy lifting for the setting than any sort of exposition or even calling her an “aristocrat” could. And that wasn’t even the best part of it. You putting the fact that the number zero was carved into the front made me think “that matters, and I want to know why.” These are things I enjoy, and the little details like this you put in really did help me connect with the world you were building.

Something I really would’ve liked was if there was a bit more from the defendant himself. He is a rich, corrupt noble who’s used to living a life where he continues to get his way, no matter what. But it just felt like he just disappeared at this point. I feel like he would’ve at least tried to argue somehow, or demand the judge to do what he paid him to, or even if he was too stunned to speak, we could’ve at least seen it. Honestly, the best thing I could think of is the evidence she brought be actually used. Have her slam down a piece of evidence that specifically destroys a witness’s evidence, and have him fold under the pressure. Doesn’t exactly have to be this, but anything that really shows her in action to us so we as the readers can understand why she’s earned this reputation as the young detective that’s uncovering scandals amount the aristocracy.


As for things you used relatively often, we get things like “He snorted,” a few times to start off the story without much space between them. We also get “reflecting the {blank} in their eyes,” around three or four times I believe. I have fallback phrases as well, so I definitely understand using them when you run out exactly how to put description on a scene, but know it’s supposed to go there. But this is definitely something I’d work on shifting to more unique phrases.

Biggest thing I want to praise you about is the ending, and how strong of a note I’d say it is. It’s clear she has some sort of history with the blood rose, and seems to even be a counter ideology to the MC’s. They both believe the same thing, but one goes about it the correct way, while the other takes the law into her own hands because she doesn’t trust the system itself. Feels like a punisher vs daredevil set up.


Pacing is one of the hardest things to actually tackle in this genre, and is even harder to fully understand how to tackle on websites where shorter and more punchy stories are rewarded than ones that are more fleshed out. So how do you really balance this situation where you want the reader to feel tension in a scene, while also not just adding on every sensory detail and bogging down the narrative. Although it’s a subjective thing, I’ll just say that this feels more like a prologue to how impressive Clara is than a true chapter one because of how little she truly struggled.



I’ll provide some line-by-line notes I take every time I read something as a free addition:


The spectators and expert witnesses who turned to him. Their eyes widened. - I really don’t think these should’ve been two separate sentences.


“Quisly” - wasn’t his name just Quisky?

Quisly stood in the open courtroom door. A charming smile adorned his face. In his hands, stacks of yellow papers were stacked. - It felt like these would’ve flowed better as a single sentence.

“He smiled as he distributed” - He already had the smile on his face from a few sentences before.


“A faint smile graced her face. She stared intently at the judge.” - She went from smiling at the old woman to staring at the judge instantly.

She stood and stepped forward, toward an elderly woman who sat trembling on the victim's bench. She crouched down and took her wrinkled hand - This one also sounds like a list because of the repeated uses of she to start each one.

“Day by day, her name is” - I’ll try and avoid grammar fixes since I’m sure you don’t really need it. But “day by day” is events unfolding in past tense, so the “is” tagged onto it is a super hard clash in tense.

“The shabby eyes widened, his hands holding a grey paper.” - This one caught my attention instantly. We don’t know who the eyes belong to yet, and the word “the” treats the eyes like a subject themselves.

An old man A middle-aged man - Pretty sure you meant to just say either old man, or middle-aged man.

beard, simply stroked his beard - Feels like beard was used too close to itself here.

His lips smiled. - I don’t feel like it needs to be stated that he used his lips to smile here.

She pointed to the newspaper headline. Instead of pointing to her own headline, she pointed to another headline written in bold red ink. - Both the words pointed and headline are used three times in this span.

then his mouth took a sip of his wine - Don’t need to use mouth here, it’s implied by the action.



I’m sure I misunderstood something during this, so just shoot me a message or post in this thread if you want me to take another look or go over one of my points again.

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• This is a romcom that spans middle school until high school
• The story is divided into arcs, which I just conveniently name after the girls features, so the first 3 chapters I posted comprise the Melissa arc
• The main protagonist is a normal, well-meaning boy who just has incredibly bad luck in life, but especially whenever he falls in love. The fun in writing this was figuring out how he inevitably sabotages his chances at love each and every time, while making him grow as a person as time passes and raising the stakes
• Even just the first chapter is fine, but if you do end up liking it, going up to chapter 3 to close out the story arc is how you can see the general pattern. But of course, up to you.