Offering feedback on the first chapter of your story (No Smut)

[BeezussWrites]

Please do.

I've been made aware that the first chapter is somewhat exposition-heavy, and I'm planning on cutting out a few paragraphs on information if necessary.

I don't know if this is too much to ask, but if possible, I'd like feedback on what paragraphs feel boring to read through.

Feel like I didn't fully address what you asked feedback wise, sorry. This isn't meant to be a "your approach is wrong," but more so it currently isn't working imo, and this is the only way I could come up with to fix it. Feel free to tell me if I went overboard at all, or if you want me to work on specifically making your storyteller version work:


I do want to say that I honestly see a ton of potential in this story. You have a “system eating other system” function, along with a defined history on how the powers came to be in the first place. But it structurally needs some changes in order to get to that potential:
Right now, the chapter reads as the MC describing the world to us, as if he’s talking directly to us. There are a few line fixes I saw (which I'll list below), but even making them sound more fluid wouldn't do the story justice. I know you want to introduce the world as quickly as you can, because you believe it’s the unique part about your story, but this feels more like the Argus is reading an audio book of the scene from a higher perspective. If you want my genuine opinion, I’d suggest opening on Argus meditating, specifically around “Today is different. Today is special.” Then, swap the tone of what’s left with more present phrasing, such as giving us actual sensory details. How does he feel about the system? What does the breakfast they’re eating smell like? How did the water feel? So many things happen to the protagonist, but we never fully get to know how they affect him, because he’s too set on telling us about the world he lives in instead of living in it.

Narrative challenges that come from my suggestions, and how I believe you could fix them:

How will people know about the higher beings if all the exposition from the beginning is removed?

“Even without the beginning, they’ll know higher beings exist just based on the ending.”

How will they know how the system arrived in the first place:

“This isn’t information that needs to be shown in the first chunk of chapter one (in my opinion). But if it’s really something that you want addressed, then just have the lecture start out with the lecturer bringing up some of the points (not all of them), before the red ball reappears.

The affects powers have on every day life are important to fleshing out the world. How could this be solved?

“On the walk to school, have someone use their powers to possibly levitate clothes so they can hang them up.”

How would powers being unlocked with systems be explained?

“It’s directly state within the ‘Villany’ system that there is a task, along with him swimming to the school to hopefully earn a task. Those two alone would be good enough to show this.”

I’ll also include some line notes since you asked for advice on how some of the paragraphs felt:

“would hand out superpowers like candy on halloween.” - This stands out for how casual it is compared to the prose around.

“Currently, I, Argus Stewart, am meditating.” - maybe “I, Argus Stewart, am currently meditating” if you really want to keep his name stated? But I think just not having him state his name at all would be the best option to make him sound less over the top.

“In my head are the constellations of thousands of stars and galaxies and formations spanning an incredible distance.” - This definitely feels like it should be reformatted somehow.

“Although the constellations aren't actually made of stars or other forms of celestial bodies” - Should just be "but" instead of although, imo. And shouldn't have even said the stars part in the previous line if you're going to say they're not stars in the next.

“highways of communication that connect Earth with the higher plane and the higher beings.” - too many uses of "higher" here. I'd suggest changing it to "the beings that dwell in higher planes."

Today is different. Today is special. A tiny, blazing red star no larger than a beach ball shoots its way towards me from the distance. - there really needs to be some sort of connective tissue between “today is special,” and “A tiny, blazing…” He’s been trying to get a system for a long time, I presume. I presume because he’s aware of the ball already, so we should feel the anticipation, and the build up to what makes him believe that red ball is it.

“This is a subsystem. It's like receiving” - It was from this point that I became fully aware that the MC was directly talking to us and there wasn’t as much head hopping as I initially believed.

“I sigh. Most people would be ecstatic to get a personal request from the higher beings. But if its an evil system, its best to ignore such tasks entirely. Although ones strength skyrockets by doing such tasks, I'm not such an immoral person.” - A bit too much exposition here.

“With meditation done, I, Argus Stewart,” - I really would advise against him just saying his name so often, even if this is his tone.

“...Maybe I would feel a bit more confident about my own looks if he wasn't my room-mate.” - More of these lines. Really works on making Argus feel human. Another point is, during this time, we should be seeing some inner thoughts from Argus about what just happened with the system.

“Inside the cosmos known as the system's user interface,” - way too much exposition by this point, and way too little character interactions in general.

“It blocked the other task from reaching me?” - Genuinely a good twist, but there’s not enough tension to pay it off.

“I'm stunned.” - unneeded, since the beginning already described this.

“It blocked the other task from reaching me.” - I think this is your actual hook, and would be the best place to end the chapter on.

 

[DragonGod]

My humble submission. Very excited to hear thoughts and criticism. I do want to improve as an author and this is a project that I have poured a lot of myself into and am hoping to see to the end.

Godshatter: “The Index of Teeth” - Chapter 1: “Withering” | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MC-Stories]

Blood of the Were-Raptor Hero!

In the Chaotic world of Superheroes, follow the adventures of Ellie, a newly awakened Metahuman with the power to morph into her dinosaur persona, Ms. Raptor! as Elle balances her school life and her new life as a superhero, the world around her is starting to unravel as the chaos...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm In, i'd love to see your input!

 

[BeezussWrites]

Here goes my unpublished novel's first chapter

Spoiler: Chapter: 1

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What"s happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling.

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That"s normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don"t you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It"s not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That"s spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It"s interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

I’m not going to start by pointing out all the small craft details to keep you from feeling overwhelmed, but the biggest problem I struggled with as a reader with this is trying to figure out how the character felt in the moment. If you have additional questions or want something expanded on, feel free to message me:


“Fire. Screams.” I really would’ve liked more of what the scene felt like than just this. The smell of smoke, what did it look like beyond just fire. And where is the character currently at? A small village on fire?

Next, the entire section from "These rat-bloods!" to "What"s happening?" Who is talking? And what do you mean by black mist, and then everything went blank? What is going blank, I still don’t even know where we’re supposed to be yet.


I’m going to point this part out “who was obviously busy doing her makeup.” Not exactly how I would’ve worded it, but this is a pretty good way to tell us who Harlin is in as short time. More of this.


"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.” In this section, taking out the “Queen Eleeza…” part and putting it either right below on it’s own line, or connected to “I think not…” would help clarify for me who was talking.

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast." Do not put the “Elina mocked her” before the sentence, or you just essentially spoil what the sentence is going to be.

Additionally, if these are the parents, why are we referring to them by their royal names instead of mother and father?

After breakfast, ends with a comma. So it’s clear you knew you needed to add more to the transition there, but just didn’t.


"Don"t you think they will find out?" I’ll say what I’ve said a few times in this thread already, but use conjunctions like “they’ll find out?” I know they’re nobles, but it feels super unnatural for their age.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl.” And the next line kind of does exactly that.


"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened." A bit of a buffer showing if she’s considering not talking about it or at least some sort of acknowledgment of how she’s acting that made the other kids understand. Maybe some sort of inner thoughts or something else. Also, why did she say this morning? It should’ve been last night, correct?


“Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible.” I’d suggest against tangible here. It feels a bit too unnatural, especially for a kid to say.

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream." This is what we should’ve seen, described in more detail to start off the chapter. This chapter would’ve been infinitely stronger just with that alone.

“They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom.” Just the first sentence is really needed here.

“"Hey, Irees.” I assume this is Iris, and maybe Alison is saying her name in an endearing way? But then we get “Irees continued” in prose, which made me question if it was a new person completely or not.

“There were not many students as usual.” Just so I’m aware. Did you mean there were less students than usual, or that there was usually this many students missing? I’m going to assume the second based on context.

“They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport.” If you are going to do lists, the items in the list should follow some sort of pattern. I’d suggest doing this instead “They learn to hone their basic magic skills, such as talking to birds, flying, and teleporting.” It gets rid of the double use of “they learn,” and the improperly used semicolon, while just making it cleaner to read.

“Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though." This whole block just doesn’t feel good to read. We get an action, then dialogue, then action, then more dialogue again and repeat this the whole paragraph. Separate characters by their own actions, give us some more detail than basic expressions, and please, stop putting a dialogue tag before the dialogue if it’s going to spoil what the sentence is going to be about (just repeating this because I want to stress how important this is)


"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom.” …” Obviously this isn’t a great place to end off on, but I assume the three dots mean you’re continuing from this point in a later draft.

All good writers start off at the point you’re at and continue to practice until they get to a point they’re satisfied with, and the great writers are never satisfied. If you’re here for me to tell you that you’ve made something you should be proud of then I will. Any amount of words you put on the page on your own is something you should be proud of. But a writer is a rewriter first and foremost, and the large structural problems will fix as you continue to practice. Just make sure you’re not afraid of criticism, because there’s going to be a ton between now and the end of your journey. My biggest piece of advice for you is to not feel impatient, and be ok with slowing the story down to give us more details on what’s happening in the moment. As a reader, I read to immerse myself into a story, and it’s impossible for me to do so since we’re never really understanding what the character is feeling in the moment.

When you make your next changes, whatever they may be, feel free to post the new version and I’ll tell you if it feels better to me or not.

Good luck on your writing journey.

 

[Nevafrost]

I’m not going to start by pointing out all the small craft details to keep you from feeling overwhelmed, but the biggest problem I struggled with as a reader with this is trying to figure out how the character felt in the moment. If you have additional questions or want something expanded on, feel free to message me:


“Fire. Screams.” I really would’ve liked more of what the scene felt like than just this. The smell of smoke, what did it look like beyond just fire. And where is the character currently at? A small village on fire?

Next, the entire section from "These rat-bloods!" to "What"s happening?" Who is talking? And what do you mean by black mist, and then everything went blank? What is going blank, I still don’t even know where we’re supposed to be yet.


I’m going to point this part out “who was obviously busy doing her makeup.” Not exactly how I would’ve worded it, but this is a pretty good way to tell us who Harlin is in as short time. More of this.


"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.” In this section, taking out the “Queen Eleeza…” part and putting it either right below on it’s own line, or connected to “I think not…” would help clarify for me who was talking.

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast." Do not put the “Elina mocked her” before the sentence, or you just essentially spoil what the sentence is going to be.

Additionally, if these are the parents, why are we referring to them by their royal names instead of mother and father?

After breakfast, ends with a comma. So it’s clear you knew you needed to add more to the transition there, but just didn’t.


"Don"t you think they will find out?" I’ll say what I’ve said a few times in this thread already, but use conjunctions like “they’ll find out?” I know they’re nobles, but it feels super unnatural for their age.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl.” And the next line kind of does exactly that.


"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened." A bit of a buffer showing if she’s considering not talking about it or at least some sort of acknowledgment of how she’s acting that made the other kids understand. Maybe some sort of inner thoughts or something else. Also, why did she say this morning? It should’ve been last night, correct?


“Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible.” I’d suggest against tangible here. It feels a bit too unnatural, especially for a kid to say.

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream." This is what we should’ve seen, described in more detail to start off the chapter. This chapter would’ve been infinitely stronger just with that alone.

“They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom.” Just the first sentence is really needed here.

“"Hey, Irees.” I assume this is Iris, and maybe Alison is saying her name in an endearing way? But then we get “Irees continued” in prose, which made me question if it was a new person completely or not.

“There were not many students as usual.” Just so I’m aware. Did you mean there were less students than usual, or that there was usually this many students missing? I’m going to assume the second based on context.

“They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport.” If you are going to do lists, the items in the list should follow some sort of pattern. I’d suggest doing this instead “They learn to hone their basic magic skills, such as talking to birds, flying, and teleporting.” It gets rid of the double use of “they learn,” and the improperly used semicolon, while just making it cleaner to read.

“Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though." This whole block just doesn’t feel good to read. We get an action, then dialogue, then action, then more dialogue again and repeat this the whole paragraph. Separate characters by their own actions, give us some more detail than basic expressions, and please, stop putting a dialogue tag before the dialogue if it’s going to spoil what the sentence is going to be about (just repeating this because I want to stress how important this is)


"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom.” …” Obviously this isn’t a great place to end off on, but I assume the three dots mean you’re continuing from this point in a later draft.

All good writers start off at the point you’re at and continue to practice until they get to a point they’re satisfied with, and the great writers are never satisfied. If you’re here for me to tell you that you’ve made something you should be proud of then I will. Any amount of words you put on the page on your own is something you should be proud of. But a writer is a rewriter first and foremost, and the large structural problems will fix as you continue to practice. Just make sure you’re not afraid of criticism, because there’s going to be a ton between now and the end of your journey. My biggest piece of advice for you is to not feel impatient, and be ok with slowing the story down to give us more details on what’s happening in the moment. As a reader, I read to immerse myself into a story, and it’s impossible for me to do so since we’re never really understanding what the character is feeling in the moment.

When you make your next changes, whatever they may be, feel free to post the new version and I’ll tell you if it feels better to me or not.

Good luck on your writing journey.

This is the best advises I have received (not exaggerating I swear).
And, yes, I learned not to add dialogue tags if it spoils the actual dialogue . (Thanks for emphasising that point, I'm pretty forgetful lol).
Someone else also told me to change the beginning. I guess it's a sign .
And, I couldn’t decide if I should use "Irees" or "Iris". That went unnoticed, sorry.
I'll update my edited chapter and bother you again .

 

[BeezussWrites]

With you, I Can

'I have no reason to live anymore.... So, why am I living in a hell I don't want to?' Kralen Alainz finally had his hopes fulfilled when he entered an A-Rank party. But fate would not be so generous; he soon came face-to-face with a heart-wrenching decision. In a...

www.scribblehub.com

Here is mine. First time publishing anything of this kind. So, it would definitely be helpful to receive some feedback. Definitely, I would not mind any harsh criticism if it does require any.

I actually really enjoyed this, even kind of expecting what would come by the end of the chapter. Classic “needs the money to pay for a sick sister” trope, but I’m a sucker for those so it worked for me. Most of your problems in my opinion stem from craft issues more than story fluidity. I do hate saying this to every post, but a really big upgrade would be giving us a few sensations to really help us figure out what exactly the setting feels like. It’s really because of this, that I feel like I’m reading an omniscient narration masking as a third person story. I pointed it out below for a different reason, but “visibly happy.” Who is it visible to? We should only be able to see things from Kralen’s perspective. And the “unknowingly thought,” should just be Kralen being genuinely impressed, but then we have the narrator come down and say “or so he thinks!” Because of these pieces of information we shouldn’t have, and the lack of sensory details like, it feels like we’re reading a summary of a story rather than a lived experience.

You have two distinct versions of foreshadowing in this chapter, the parts where you trust the reader like with Phalina’s warning, and the part you don’t with “unknowingly thought.” We don’t need an ominous feeling that something’s about to come. In fact, if this started as a regular dungeon battle where everyone seemed to be working together perfectly without all the non-stop compliments, we’d be looking at a story where the betrayal was shocking. Additionally, building us up to even care about your characters would help out a ton. We want revenge on the person who pushed the MC in the back, not Reisse the leader (who I assume is the one who did it).

The real question is whether or not you want this to be another story about an MC that gets his revenge after growing stronger but with your twist on it? Or do you want this to be your story that has an MC that gets his revenge in the end (or not honestly). If so, who are the side characters that stand out? The love interest who regrets what she’s about to do to the MC and secretly warns them about the monster they’re going to run into? The sick sister who cared for him and was probably super strong until she got sick? These could be tags for a ton of characters, not just yours. But when I write about a retired science teacher who used his knowledge of chemistry to grow a meth empire, you’ll probably know exactly who I’m talking about.

You don’t need to change the concept of your story, as I said before, it works and I like it. But we’ve gone from the beginning to the end of the chapter and the only thing I know about all but the MC is their names.






Line-by-line, What stood out to me section:

“Reisse asked, looking a bit concerned for his fellow party member.” - fellow part member just seems like such a distant thing to say in this situation.

“Visibly happy that someone other than ‘her’ was caring for him” - We’re third person close on Kralen. So I don’t feel like we need the ‘visibly’ part, and could instead say “He was happy. It had been a long time since someone other than ‘her’ had cared for him.”


“unknowingly thought.” - don’t put the unknowingly part. It kind of spoils what the twist is going to be, or at least that there’s even going to be a twist.


“They all avoided his gaze as though he were a monster.” - I think it would’ve felt better stopping at just avoiding his gaze, the monster part was a bit too direct.

Everyone watched on as if it was a circus, - Maybe a bit less heavy on the analogies. Especially so close to each other, with the previous one and this one “as if a massive weight of guilt were crushing her.”

Kralen felt a wave of confusion. His head still refusing to work at top speed. - I’ll use this as an example of what you’ve done a couple times that frustrates me as a reader. I understood what you were saying with the first sentence, but then you put the second one in there just in case I didn’t fully understand it. You have to trust the readers a bit, and only add another sentence if it serves a different purpose than the first one.

So, I am forever stuck like this?" - maybe “stuck like this forever,” but that’s just taste mostly.

"You will get this money, but only if you don't speak about what happened yesterday. Well, not like anyone will believe you." - A bit too classic evil villain to say “well, not like anyone will believe you.”

“But that hope would shatter quicker than it came.....” This is the perfect ending, though the wording feels a bit clunky to me. Probably the “quicker than it came part.”

Feels like everyone but Reisse and Phalina just disappeared by the end. And honestly, I forgot that Boulock was even in the story until I scrolled up and saw the name again.


I’ll end this off by saying that again, I enjoyed this piece. I really am curious to see what happens with the sister, and want to see him get his revenge. But more than that, I’d like to see that story be told in a way that lets it stand out from the rest of its type. If you have any questions, want me to go into detail about what I said a bit more, or just want to tell me I suck at this, feel free to message me.

 

[CrimsonEclipse]

Here you go, kind person: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2222721/boost-isekai-litrpg/

THX!

 

[katakellex]

I actually really enjoyed this, even kind of expecting what would come by the end of the chapter. Classic “needs the money to pay for a sick sister” trope, but I’m a sucker for those so it worked for me. Most of your problems in my opinion stem from craft issues more than story fluidity. I do hate saying this to every post, but a really big upgrade would be giving us a few sensations to really help us figure out what exactly the setting feels like. It’s really because of this, that I feel like I’m reading an omniscient narration masking as a third person story. I pointed it out below for a different reason, but “visibly happy.” Who is it visible to? We should only be able to see things from Kralen’s perspective. And the “unknowingly thought,” should just be Kralen being genuinely impressed, but then we have the narrator come down and say “or so he thinks!” Because of these pieces of information we shouldn’t have, and the lack of sensory details like, it feels like we’re reading a summary of a story rather than a lived experience.

You have two distinct versions of foreshadowing in this chapter, the parts where you trust the reader like with Phalina’s warning, and the part you don’t with “unknowingly thought.” We don’t need an ominous feeling that something’s about to come. In fact, if this started as a regular dungeon battle where everyone seemed to be working together perfectly without all the non-stop compliments, we’d be looking at a story where the betrayal was shocking. Additionally, building us up to even care about your characters would help out a ton. We want revenge on the person who pushed the MC in the back, not Reisse the leader (who I assume is the one who did it).

The real question is whether or not you want this to be another story about an MC that gets his revenge after growing stronger but with your twist on it? Or do you want this to be your story that has an MC that gets his revenge in the end (or not honestly). If so, who are the side characters that stand out? The love interest who regrets what she’s about to do to the MC and secretly warns them about the monster they’re going to run into? The sick sister who cared for him and was probably super strong until she got sick? These could be tags for a ton of characters, not just yours. But when I write about a retired science teacher who used his knowledge of chemistry to grow a meth empire, you’ll probably know exactly who I’m talking about.

You don’t need to change the concept of your story, as I said before, it works and I like it. But we’ve gone from the beginning to the end of the chapter and the only thing I know about all but the MC is their names.






Line-by-line, What stood out to me section:

“Reisse asked, looking a bit concerned for his fellow party member.” - fellow part member just seems like such a distant thing to say in this situation.

“Visibly happy that someone other than ‘her’ was caring for him” - We’re third person close on Kralen. So I don’t feel like we need the ‘visibly’ part, and could instead say “He was happy. It had been a long time since someone other than ‘her’ had cared for him.”


“unknowingly thought.” - don’t put the unknowingly part. It kind of spoils what the twist is going to be, or at least that there’s even going to be a twist.


“They all avoided his gaze as though he were a monster.” - I think it would’ve felt better stopping at just avoiding his gaze, the monster part was a bit too direct.

Everyone watched on as if it was a circus, - Maybe a bit less heavy on the analogies. Especially so close to each other, with the previous one and this one “as if a massive weight of guilt were crushing her.”

Kralen felt a wave of confusion. His head still refusing to work at top speed. - I’ll use this as an example of what you’ve done a couple times that frustrates me as a reader. I understood what you were saying with the first sentence, but then you put the second one in there just in case I didn’t fully understand it. You have to trust the readers a bit, and only add another sentence if it serves a different purpose than the first one.

So, I am forever stuck like this?" - maybe “stuck like this forever,” but that’s just taste mostly.

"You will get this money, but only if you don't speak about what happened yesterday. Well, not like anyone will believe you." - A bit too classic evil villain to say “well, not like anyone will believe you.”

“But that hope would shatter quicker than it came.....” This is the perfect ending, though the wording feels a bit clunky to me. Probably the “quicker than it came part.”

Feels like everyone but Reisse and Phalina just disappeared by the end. And honestly, I forgot that Boulock was even in the story until I scrolled up and saw the name again.


I’ll end this off by saying that again, I enjoyed this piece. I really am curious to see what happens with the sister, and want to see him get his revenge. But more than that, I’d like to see that story be told in a way that lets it stand out from the rest of its type. If you have any questions, want me to go into detail about what I said a bit more, or just want to tell me I suck at this, feel free to message me.

First of all, thank you so much for giving it a proper review! (from your pov) Honestly, it helps a lot when coming from another person. Now, I wanna try to reply to some of your critiques, and explain my reasoning on "why I did it" (not saying your wrong).

Going in firstly about narration inconsistencies. You are totally right about that hands down. Honestly, I wanted to do this story from only Kralens pov, first person. But there is a lot of outside info that I want to introduce, which Kralen can't possibly know of. But, I also wanna focus on Kralen's emotional journey, which collides with third person and essentially just makes it a hybrid. This kinda made me mix things up, I guess. The "unknowingly" part is a good pickout that I need to improve on.

You also mentioned the over use of analogies, which I agree. I do tend to get a bit heavy on them.

Another point you made was me hinting the same thing but in two or repetitive sentences. I totally understand that, but as a writer I can't help but clarify the state of the MC to set the tone and what he feels, his state, his condition etc. and the actions he does later on due to it. Also another underlying reason is me trying to fill in the paragraphs.

Now ending it off, the lack of emotional connectivity to the other party members like Boulock or Alissa is merely due to the fact of my pacing. I could have given them more interactions with the MC to build more and play it off him. But I wanted to move the story as fast as possible and get Kralen past his "canon event". You can see the pacing being even more erratic and fast especially in the second chapter. My fear was that putting in too much would make the readers bored and they would lose their attention. That's why I made the pacing as it is. Now, my plan is to slow it down a bit, get into the characters a tad more, especially Kralen, and on an overall be a lot more balanced.

But.... I think you might've not read the synopsis or chapter 2, not saying you should have! The main hook to you was about the "caring for the sister" and "doing everything for her" thing. So, I think you will be disappointed if you were to read the second chapter. But there will be a somewhat similar thing representing your hook . Seeing you say " I enjoyed it" actually made my day. So, if you do still enjoy this type of Dark Fantasy, gritty vibe, I would request you to read it again if you have some time when I publish more chapters. I have already made the main outline of the story and mapped the ending. The main obstacle I'm facing now is actually properly implementing it in the story. And to say myself, I think the ending is pretty good.

I've already said this but I'll say it again, thank you very much! This is my first time publishing or even writing anything like this. A review from a top reading connoisseur like you is an exceptional help. So, I would like you to read it if I do finish it properly but that depends on if you still like it after chapter 2.... But I will be really happy if you still enjoy it!

 

[V8485]

I'll throw my hat as always. The Devil’s Hell | Scribble Hub. Thanks for your time if you read.

 

[BeezussWrites]

Please try mine, dude. Thanks.

Vol 1 Chapter 1: Prologue – A Detective Girl with the Conscience - Gifts from Detective Clara

In the Courtroom... A portly nobleman sat before a judge. A smile spread across his face. The judge—a bald stocky man—stared at the nobleman. Then, he (...)

www.royalroad.com

This is most definitely my least clear one so far, so I'm sorry about this. Wrote this before work one day and bits during it the next day.


I feel like you have a great ability to make characters compelling in the small amount of time we have with them. But I want to point out that, just like what I said in the flashback excerpt you posted, I think this could’ve benefited with quite a bit more detail added to generate more tension. So take this in mind with what I’m about to say, and remember that my preferences do not reflect the tastes of readers you’ll see on Scribblehub and Royalroad.

The two biggest things that pulled me out of the scene itself were things you seem to use as a stylistic choice as a writer. Repetition, and short sentences, such as right here: “She stood, glaring at Baron Arnault before turning to the judge. The judge’s eyes narrowed, reflecting the shadow of a girl in black coat.” You end one sentence and then start the next sentence with the words “The Judge,” which means I was reading “the judge. The judge.”


As for the shorter sentences, we have this “The judge placed his gavel on the hard wooden table. He took out his glasses and read the yellow paper. His eyes widened.” Really the biggest way I’d like to explain why I specifically got thrown off is that I felt like I was reading “This happened. And then this happened. And then this happened.” Instead of “This is what initially happened, before it turned to this.” Each period creates a full stop in my head, so instead of the actions flowing in the moment, I’m processing them all as separate events.

Another positive thing I’d like to touch on is this line: “An aristocratic woman sat in the audience, the front surface of the henin hat is engraved with the number zero.” I didn’t even know what a heinin hat was, so I looked it up. The type of hat itself did way more heavy lifting for the setting than any sort of exposition or even calling her an “aristocrat” could. And that wasn’t even the best part of it. You putting the fact that the number zero was carved into the front made me think “that matters, and I want to know why.” These are things I enjoy, and the little details like this you put in really did help me connect with the world you were building.

Something I really would’ve liked was if there was a bit more from the defendant himself. He is a rich, corrupt noble who’s used to living a life where he continues to get his way, no matter what. But it just felt like he just disappeared at this point. I feel like he would’ve at least tried to argue somehow, or demand the judge to do what he paid him to, or even if he was too stunned to speak, we could’ve at least seen it. Honestly, the best thing I could think of is the evidence she brought be actually used. Have her slam down a piece of evidence that specifically destroys a witness’s evidence, and have him fold under the pressure. Doesn’t exactly have to be this, but anything that really shows her in action to us so we as the readers can understand why she’s earned this reputation as the young detective that’s uncovering scandals amount the aristocracy.


As for things you used relatively often, we get things like “He snorted,” a few times to start off the story without much space between them. We also get “reflecting the {blank} in their eyes,” around three or four times I believe. I have fallback phrases as well, so I definitely understand using them when you run out exactly how to put description on a scene, but know it’s supposed to go there. But this is definitely something I’d work on shifting to more unique phrases.

Biggest thing I want to praise you about is the ending, and how strong of a note I’d say it is. It’s clear she has some sort of history with the blood rose, and seems to even be a counter ideology to the MC’s. They both believe the same thing, but one goes about it the correct way, while the other takes the law into her own hands because she doesn’t trust the system itself. Feels like a punisher vs daredevil set up.


Pacing is one of the hardest things to actually tackle in this genre, and is even harder to fully understand how to tackle on websites where shorter and more punchy stories are rewarded than ones that are more fleshed out. So how do you really balance this situation where you want the reader to feel tension in a scene, while also not just adding on every sensory detail and bogging down the narrative. Although it’s a subjective thing, I’ll just say that this feels more like a prologue to how impressive Clara is than a true chapter one because of how little she truly struggled.



I’ll provide some line-by-line notes I take every time I read something as a free addition:


The spectators and expert witnesses who turned to him. Their eyes widened. - I really don’t think these should’ve been two separate sentences.


“Quisly” - wasn’t his name just Quisky?

Quisly stood in the open courtroom door. A charming smile adorned his face. In his hands, stacks of yellow papers were stacked. - It felt like these would’ve flowed better as a single sentence.

“He smiled as he distributed” - He already had the smile on his face from a few sentences before.


“A faint smile graced her face. She stared intently at the judge.” - She went from smiling at the old woman to staring at the judge instantly.

She stood and stepped forward, toward an elderly woman who sat trembling on the victim's bench. She crouched down and took her wrinkled hand - This one also sounds like a list because of the repeated uses of she to start each one.

“Day by day, her name is” - I’ll try and avoid grammar fixes since I’m sure you don’t really need it. But “day by day” is events unfolding in past tense, so the “is” tagged onto it is a super hard clash in tense.

“The shabby eyes widened, his hands holding a grey paper.” - This one caught my attention instantly. We don’t know who the eyes belong to yet, and the word “the” treats the eyes like a subject themselves.

An old man A middle-aged man - Pretty sure you meant to just say either old man, or middle-aged man.

beard, simply stroked his beard - Feels like beard was used too close to itself here.

His lips smiled. - I don’t feel like it needs to be stated that he used his lips to smile here.

She pointed to the newspaper headline. Instead of pointing to her own headline, she pointed to another headline written in bold red ink. - Both the words pointed and headline are used three times in this span.

then his mouth took a sip of his wine - Don’t need to use mouth here, it’s implied by the action.



I’m sure I misunderstood something during this, so just shoot me a message or post in this thread if you want me to take another look or go over one of my points again.

 

[Eldoria]

This is most definitely my least clear one so far, so I'm sorry about this. Wrote this before work one day and bits during it the next day.


I feel like you have a great ability to make characters compelling in the small amount of time we have with them. But I want to point out that, just like what I said in the flashback excerpt you posted, I think this could’ve benefited with quite a bit more detail added to generate more tension. So take this in mind with what I’m about to say, and remember that my preferences do not reflect the tastes of readers you’ll see on Scribblehub and Royalroad.

The two biggest things that pulled me out of the scene itself were things you seem to use as a stylistic choice as a writer. Repetition, and short sentences, such as right here: “She stood, glaring at Baron Arnault before turning to the judge. The judge’s eyes narrowed, reflecting the shadow of a girl in black coat.” You end one sentence and then start the next sentence with the words “The Judge,” which means I was reading “the judge. The judge.”


As for the shorter sentences, we have this “The judge placed his gavel on the hard wooden table. He took out his glasses and read the yellow paper. His eyes widened.” Really the biggest way I’d like to explain why I specifically got thrown off is that I felt like I was reading “This happened. And then this happened. And then this happened.” Instead of “This is what initially happened, before it turned to this.” Each period creates a full stop in my head, so instead of the actions flowing in the moment, I’m processing them all as separate events.

Another positive thing I’d like to touch on is this line: “An aristocratic woman sat in the audience, the front surface of the henin hat is engraved with the number zero.” I didn’t even know what a heinin hat was, so I looked it up. The type of hat itself did way more heavy lifting for the setting than any sort of exposition or even calling her an “aristocrat” could. And that wasn’t even the best part of it. You putting the fact that the number zero was carved into the front made me think “that matters, and I want to know why.” These are things I enjoy, and the little details like this you put in really did help me connect with the world you were building.

Something I really would’ve liked was if there was a bit more from the defendant himself. He is a rich, corrupt noble who’s used to living a life where he continues to get his way, no matter what. But it just felt like he just disappeared at this point. I feel like he would’ve at least tried to argue somehow, or demand the judge to do what he paid him to, or even if he was too stunned to speak, we could’ve at least seen it. Honestly, the best thing I could think of is the evidence she brought be actually used. Have her slam down a piece of evidence that specifically destroys a witness’s evidence, and have him fold under the pressure. Doesn’t exactly have to be this, but anything that really shows her in action to us so we as the readers can understand why she’s earned this reputation as the young detective that’s uncovering scandals amount the aristocracy.


As for things you used relatively often, we get things like “He snorted,” a few times to start off the story without much space between them. We also get “reflecting the {blank} in their eyes,” around three or four times I believe. I have fallback phrases as well, so I definitely understand using them when you run out exactly how to put description on a scene, but know it’s supposed to go there. But this is definitely something I’d work on shifting to more unique phrases.

Biggest thing I want to praise you about is the ending, and how strong of a note I’d say it is. It’s clear she has some sort of history with the blood rose, and seems to even be a counter ideology to the MC’s. They both believe the same thing, but one goes about it the correct way, while the other takes the law into her own hands because she doesn’t trust the system itself. Feels like a punisher vs daredevil set up.


Pacing is one of the hardest things to actually tackle in this genre, and is even harder to fully understand how to tackle on websites where shorter and more punchy stories are rewarded than ones that are more fleshed out. So how do you really balance this situation where you want the reader to feel tension in a scene, while also not just adding on every sensory detail and bogging down the narrative. Although it’s a subjective thing, I’ll just say that this feels more like a prologue to how impressive Clara is than a true chapter one because of how little she truly struggled.



I’ll provide some line-by-line notes I take every time I read something as a free addition:


The spectators and expert witnesses who turned to him. Their eyes widened. - I really don’t think these should’ve been two separate sentences.


“Quisly” - wasn’t his name just Quisky?

Quisly stood in the open courtroom door. A charming smile adorned his face. In his hands, stacks of yellow papers were stacked. - It felt like these would’ve flowed better as a single sentence.

“He smiled as he distributed” - He already had the smile on his face from a few sentences before.


“A faint smile graced her face. She stared intently at the judge.” - She went from smiling at the old woman to staring at the judge instantly.

She stood and stepped forward, toward an elderly woman who sat trembling on the victim's bench. She crouched down and took her wrinkled hand - This one also sounds like a list because of the repeated uses of she to start each one.

“Day by day, her name is” - I’ll try and avoid grammar fixes since I’m sure you don’t really need it. But “day by day” is events unfolding in past tense, so the “is” tagged onto it is a super hard clash in tense.

“The shabby eyes widened, his hands holding a grey paper.” - This one caught my attention instantly. We don’t know who the eyes belong to yet, and the word “the” treats the eyes like a subject themselves.

An old man A middle-aged man - Pretty sure you meant to just say either old man, or middle-aged man.

beard, simply stroked his beard - Feels like beard was used too close to itself here.

His lips smiled. - I don’t feel like it needs to be stated that he used his lips to smile here.

She pointed to the newspaper headline. Instead of pointing to her own headline, she pointed to another headline written in bold red ink. - Both the words pointed and headline are used three times in this span.

then his mouth took a sip of his wine - Don’t need to use mouth here, it’s implied by the action.



I’m sure I misunderstood something during this, so just shoot me a message or post in this thread if you want me to take another look or go over one of my points again.

Thank you for your honest feedback. Yes, this chapter is more like a prologue. I did use in medias res to the main scene without a long build-up. Its function is to show FMC's character instead of providing a courtroom drama.

Because the focus is not the fight against the fat nobleman but how FMC is introduced before she gets involved in the justice fight against Blood Rose (foreshadowing at the end of the chapter).

I can understand you didn't feel the tension of the story at the beginning. Because my focus was indeed introducing FMC as a conscience detective. If I narrated the courtroom drama, this chapter would be too long.

And yes, you seem quite observant of details, the noblewoman wearing the henin hat is indeed foreshadowing for the conflict in the next chapter.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read the 'rough chapter' (it's more of a draft than a ready-to-publish chapter). It gives me a better perspective on how readers will perceive this chapter.

 

[Villager_A]

Gonna throw mine too.

Link:

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2245921/barrys-bad-luck/

For some context:

• This is a romcom that spans middle school until high school
• The story is divided into arcs, which I just conveniently name after the girls features, so the first 3 chapters I posted comprise the Melissa arc
• The main protagonist is a normal, well-meaning boy who just has incredibly bad luck in life, but especially whenever he falls in love. The fun in writing this was figuring out how he inevitably sabotages his chances at love each and every time, while making him grow as a person as time passes and raising the stakes
• Even just the first chapter is fine, but if you do end up liking it, going up to chapter 3 to close out the story arc is how you can see the general pattern. But of course, up to you.

 

[Amateur_Artist2008]

Here's my submission. I know it's not the best right now, I plan on doing revisions eventually.

Realms & Shadows

The Nyorans are a race of wolves in the world of Tenoria that are born with an affinity for one of five elements: fire, earth, water, ice, and lightning. Despite their differences, they have managed to find peace between each other. Until 20 years ago, when a mysterious darkness appeared, one...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[BeezussWrites]

I would be most grateful if you get to it

The Gestalt Archives I – Summer 2031 - Chapter 1 – Happy Thursday | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Really been distracted with writing, so sorry about how long this took/how little I actually said during this. The fact you only have two readers is honestly surprising to me, given not only how intriguing the hook was, but how fast paced it felt. I started writing as a screenplay writer, so I feel like I can see why you made some of the decisions you did. Lastly, as a reminder, this is my perception as a reader, and is not a direct indicator of how other people on the site might feel.

Very much my style of story. I’m a huge dialogue-first character building, and even though we’ve only seen two actual characters so far, they have a believable voice. Landen is an A+, and his cocky attitude resonates with me. And the kid was written believably as a kid.

Now that I’ve finished buttering you up, I’ll give you some more helpful ideas so this doesn’t just feel like a pat on the back. Your dialogue is your strong suit, but you do have to make sure that every line doesn’t come out a 10/10, or it’s less like a real person and more like an author flexing his writing skills. This was especially noticeable during the ghost scene. Specifically this line “and that's..." Landen began gesturing with his hand, looking for the words as a brief burning amber colored his gray eyes before vanishing. "...not comfortable at all.” This felt like a marvel hero quip with how he set himself up for the punchline.


My next point is about the fact that this is a very short chapter. Less than 1k words total I believe. This itself isn’t a bad thing, especially not on this site. But the actual reason it’s short isn’t because of the amount of information you gave us, (I honestly think you gave us enough to work with) but how long you spent on each piece. To clarify myself, we have about 900 words total and 200 of them are spent on the dream sequence. The dream sequence itself wasn’t bad, in fact I actually really enjoyed it. But because it takes up so much of the word count, I feel like it needs to either do more heavy lifting, it needs to be moved past faster, or the rest of the story needs to be fleshed out to make it consume less of the page. If you want my advice, leave the dream and just expand a bit on the rest of the story.


If I had to point out a section that should be expanded on, this would be it: “…a presence within stirred with amusement and hunger, even as Landen kept it reined in.” I know you’re trying to be vague and hint at it, but a bit more than just “kept it reined in,” to describe the process of him reining it in would’ve been nice here. Because I didn’t really know how Landen himself felt, I actually didn’t even notice this was until my second read of it.


If you want me to either expand on one of my points, or you have more for me to take a look at, feel free to message me.



Here are some line-by-line notes I took while reading as a free addition:

gaming skills, and grossly underestimated charisma. - You’re just describing me at this point.

Landen blinked. A hyper-attractive female protagonist from a South Korean videogame? Why not? - You forgot to mention the Stellar Blade she had attached to her hip.


Thursday, 06/19/2031, Juneteenth - You actually got the date right too. Usually people just slap a day of the week on it.

Yawning, he ran a hand through his short, but layered dark hair, streaks of silver shining in the sunlight betraying the grim curse of his family genetics combined with persistent stress. - This sentence was a mouthful.

Absentmindedly scratching the stubble on his face. - this feels like something you either forgot to delete or forgot to expand on.

Someone was out just... standing on the sidewalk. - This deserves to be on its own line.


"Alright, Casper. C'mon– let's get a move on…” - I really enjoyed this section of world building, though the dialogue was a bit polished.

A brief look of anger crossed the spirit's face- what was left of it- then sadness. - This one felt a bit clunky to me. Not sure why.

Landen gave a casual shooing motion. “Tell me about it. Now scram. Go color on the sidewalk, drink hose water. Or something.” - This is probably my favorite line.

Ghosts he could handle. The people left behind… he didn't know where to start. - Very good ending.

 

[Th3Breadnought]

Really been distracted with writing, so sorry about how long this took/how little I actually said during this. The fact you only have two readers is honestly surprising to me, given not only how intriguing the hook was, but how fast paced it felt. I started writing as a screenplay writer, so I feel like I can see why you made some of the decisions you did. Lastly, as a reminder, this is my perception as a reader, and is not a direct indicator of how other people on the site might feel.

Very much my style of story. I’m a huge dialogue-first character building, and even though we’ve only seen two actual characters so far, they have a believable voice. Landen is an A+, and his cocky attitude resonates with me. And the kid was written believably as a kid.

Now that I’ve finished buttering you up, I’ll give you some more helpful ideas so this doesn’t just feel like a pat on the back. Your dialogue is your strong suit, but you do have to make sure that every line doesn’t come out a 10/10, or it’s less like a real person and more like an author flexing his writing skills. This was especially noticeable during the ghost scene. Specifically this line “and that's..." Landen began gesturing with his hand, looking for the words as a brief burning amber colored his gray eyes before vanishing. "...not comfortable at all.” This felt like a marvel hero quip with how he set himself up for the punchline.


My next point is about the fact that this is a very short chapter. Less than 1k words total I believe. This itself isn’t a bad thing, especially not on this site. But the actual reason it’s short isn’t because of the amount of information you gave us, (I honestly think you gave us enough to work with) but how long you spent on each piece. To clarify myself, we have about 900 words total and 200 of them are spent on the dream sequence. The dream sequence itself wasn’t bad, in fact I actually really enjoyed it. But because it takes up so much of the word count, I feel like it needs to either do more heavy lifting, it needs to be moved past faster, or the rest of the story needs to be fleshed out to make it consume less of the page. If you want my advice, leave the dream and just expand a bit on the rest of the story.


If I had to point out a section that should be expanded on, this would be it: “…a presence within stirred with amusement and hunger, even as Landen kept it reined in.” I know you’re trying to be vague and hint at it, but a bit more than just “kept it reined in,” to describe the process of him reining it in would’ve been nice here. Because I didn’t really know how Landen himself felt, I actually didn’t even notice this was until my second read of it.


If you want me to either expand on one of my points, or you have more for me to take a look at, feel free to message me.



Here are some line-by-line notes I took while reading as a free addition:

gaming skills, and grossly underestimated charisma. - You’re just describing me at this point.

Landen blinked. A hyper-attractive female protagonist from a South Korean videogame? Why not? - You forgot to mention the Stellar Blade she had attached to her hip.


Thursday, 06/19/2031, Juneteenth - You actually got the date right too. Usually people just slap a day of the week on it.

Yawning, he ran a hand through his short, but layered dark hair, streaks of silver shining in the sunlight betraying the grim curse of his family genetics combined with persistent stress. - This sentence was a mouthful.

Absentmindedly scratching the stubble on his face. - this feels like something you either forgot to delete or forgot to expand on.

Someone was out just... standing on the sidewalk. - This deserves to be on its own line.


"Alright, Casper. C'mon– let's get a move on…” - I really enjoyed this section of world building, though the dialogue was a bit polished.

A brief look of anger crossed the spirit's face- what was left of it- then sadness. - This one felt a bit clunky to me. Not sure why.

Landen gave a casual shooing motion. “Tell me about it. Now scram. Go color on the sidewalk, drink hose water. Or something.” - This is probably my favorite line.

Ghosts he could handle. The people left behind… he didn't know where to start. - Very good ending.

No worries on the wait, you've got your work cut out for you.

Regarding the Stellar Blade reference... in my very first draft it was explicitly Eve, but my beta readers correctly convinced me that was "ill advised".

Thank you very much for your feedback, I love constructive feedback with my pat on the back! You've given me food for thought and confidence. And glad we have the same favorite line, lol

Hope you continue reading if you ever have the time!