Rate this teaser/sneak peak of my most violent book

SenseiHusky

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Arc 4: Rise of Tenzing, Trailer
A drop of blood, a group of militants taking out guns from doucher bags …
The scene cuts to a man with a clean shave and a neat hairstyle, wearing a tuxedo, who enters a building, a building named Hanson Industries.
Scene cuts, the same person with messy curly hair, a dark beard, he is wearing a white shirt, he is holding an axe dripping with cold blood, there are stains on his bloodied shirt, an army of men holding guns, cheering him in a damaged commercial area.
The scene cuts to an explosion, pieces of flesh falling on the ground, walls turning red, a traumatised husky, his blue eyes reflecting a killing so brutal that splinters of blood fell on his fur, the bearded man quoted while sitting on a couch, “ They killed my father, now I don’t kill them… I will erase them.”
Rapid cuts of him dodging a dagger, a young man wearing a suit, a burnt corpse, and at last he was washing his hands, a pool of blood stained the sink
Title drop Rise of Tenzing. Arc 4
 

Omarfaruq

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Arc 4: Rise of Tenzing, Trailer
A drop of blood, a group of militants taking out guns from doucher bags …
The scene cuts to a man with a clean shave and a neat hairstyle, wearing a tuxedo, who enters a building, a building named Hanson Industries.
Scene cuts, the same person with messy curly hair, a dark beard, he is wearing a white shirt, he is holding an axe dripping with cold blood, there are stains on his bloodied shirt, an army of men holding guns, cheering him in a damaged commercial area.
The scene cuts to an explosion, pieces of flesh falling on the ground, walls turning red, a traumatised husky, his blue eyes reflecting a killing so brutal that splinters of blood fell on his fur, the bearded man quoted while sitting on a couch, “ They killed my father, now I don’t kill them… I will erase them.”
Rapid cuts of him dodging a dagger, a young man wearing a suit, a burnt corpse, and at last he was washing his hands, a pool of blood stained the sink
Title drop Rise of Tenzing. Arc 4
It works very well as a cinematic trailer, especially the visual contrast and pacing. The character’s transformation is clear and compelling. However, it relies a bit too much on shock visuals, and tightening the sequence and dialogue would make it more impactful and less overwhelming.
 

SenseiHusky

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It works very well as a cinematic trailer, especially the visual contrast and pacing. The character’s transformation is clear and compelling. However, it relies a bit too much on shock visuals, and tightening the sequence and dialogue would make it more impactful and less overwhelming.
Rate it
It works very well as a cinematic trailer, especially the visual contrast and pacing. The character’s transformation is clear and compelling. However, it relies a bit too much on shock visuals, and tightening the sequence and dialogue would make it more impactful and less overwhelming.
Also isnt your name the name of a terro**t organisation ?
 

L1aei

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Ah, this. Okay. Let me deal with the other thread first.
 

Omarfaruq

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Nvm, sorry for saying that it has an al in the middle but rate the trailer froma scale of 1 to 10
I think my name is quite good. It means someone who can distinguish between right and wrong.

I’d rate it a 7/10.
 

SenseiHusky

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I think my name is quite good. It means someone who can distinguish between right and wrong.

I’d rate it a 7/10.
Yes it is a good name and I am sure you are a good person, it is that just some organistaions which ruin perspectives and form sterotypes. Do you think this stroy is going to become famous ?
 

Omarfaruq

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Yes it is a good name and I am sure you are a good person, it is that just some organistaions which ruin perspectives and form sterotypes. Do you think this stroy is going to become famous ?
It's a 50/50. I can't say for sure your story will be famous, but I guess you will get some decent amount of recognition.
 

L1aei

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Arc 4: Rise of Tenzing, Trailer
A drop of blood, a group of militants taking out guns from doucher bags …
The scene cuts to a man with a clean shave and a neat hairstyle, wearing a tuxedo, who enters a building, a building named Hanson Industries.
Scene cuts, the same person with messy curly hair, a dark beard, he is wearing a white shirt, he is holding an axe dripping with cold blood, there are stains on his bloodied shirt, an army of men holding guns, cheering him in a damaged commercial area.
The scene cuts to an explosion, pieces of flesh falling on the ground, walls turning red, a traumatised husky, his blue eyes reflecting a killing so brutal that splinters of blood fell on his fur, the bearded man quoted while sitting on a couch, “ They killed my father, now I don’t kill them… I will erase them.”
Rapid cuts of him dodging a dagger, a young man wearing a suit, a burnt corpse, and at last he was washing his hands, a pool of blood stained the sink
Title drop Rise of Tenzing. Arc 4

Concept: 7 out of 10.
Execution: 5 out of 10.
 

L1aei

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Aw what could i do to make it better

Right now? This reads like you are describing a trailer, not writing a trailer for the main event. Like, it feels like a list rather than something you constructed around something much bigger; a teaser still needs rhythm to feel alive, like the beat of a heart. This though? This is one image after another image ending with yet another image. Then there is the images themselves which are "Pieces of flesh falling on the ground" with "Walls turning red" being clinically vague. Notice I used clinical? The clinic issues a list of symptoms. You are not prescribing a diagnosis to us, you are advertising. So, attract our attention. That's what you need here, okay? :blob_okay:
 

Eldoria

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Dude, you're so obsessed with ratings. Trust me! Ratings won't help improve your narrative. Those just please you or disappoint you.

Of course, there are exceptions... if you're implementing the quantitative research methodology.
 

SenseiHusky

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I
Dude, you're so obsessed with ratings. Trust me! Ratings won't help improve your narrative. Those just please you or disappoint you.

Of course, there are exceptions... if you're implementing the quantitative research methodology.
I just need some help, I dont like it when I work very hard and people diss me
 

L1aei

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I

I just need some help, I dont like it when I work very hard and people diss me

Ever notice what "A for Effort" means? Phonetically, it's all there. You've got "A"... "for"... but the last bit, that little "t", is missing. That's what crosses the whole effort, literally finishing the job. And here's the catch: effort alone doesn't hand you an A when there's still work to be done.
 
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