Rate this teaser/sneak peak of my most violent book

[L1aei]

You are way too generous.

Alright, I can start with the concept score here. So let's pick at "They killed my father" here. It's a durable revenge plot, but it is common as fuck all. Like, yes, it immediately places everybody in familiar territory for a revenge plot, kind of like Gladiator and John Wick. That ain't bad. But what happens is the originality has to come from presentation or some sort of twist. That's not here.

So, that gets -1 points. 9 out of 10 so far.

Next up is the violence. We got that, it's carnage. But apparently there is meaning behind it, right? Right? I mean, is this about corporate corruption or industrial warfare? Maybe it's psychological collapse and we got ourselves a loose canon? Or, this would be interesting, if this was some sort of political insurgency? But we don't get any of that revenge's deeper architecture.

It promises blood, but it lacks any meaning behind it. For a trailer or some teaser, that hook is missing, so it's gonna be missing another point: 8 out of 10 now.

But we do have one thing that is meaningful. That's the fact the father is dead and revenge is on the table. Except for one thing about that: what happens if he fails? Is somebody else going to suffer or is the world even gonna notice? This teaser focuses on the rage but doesn't imply any consequences beyond the slaughter; that implication caps what any reader sees from this.

So I'm gonna cap this at 7 out of 10 for the concept.

Now let's tackle the execution, shall we? Because, honestly, this is where most of the damage happened.

Right away, we got "Pieces of flesh falling on the ground" and "Walls turning red" as imagery, except these are really broad, report-like descriptions. Like, they ain't designed for us to feel anything. They're statements. We need violence that feels visceral, but this is just a summary report.

That's why I brought this up immediately in my earlier post because this deserved a huge deduction to the score: -2 points. So we sit at 8 out of 10 for execution.

And it doesn't stop there with the reporting; we've got a list with "Scene cuts" and "Rapid cuts" that again point at vague images that have no rhythm, suspense, or any sort of shaping. It's kind of like a montage without orchestration that flattens out upon impact. We have a couple of folks here giving us their opinion on the same issue.

So, again, this gets another point taken off of execution: 7 out of 10.

How about the tone, though? We see this "Doucher bags" in there. That single phrase is a menace... a destabilizing one. I mean, this either should maintain a controlled tone or commit to that gritty slang fully. It doesn't. So it's gonna break immersion for us when we hear something out of place; the tone breaks.

That again breaks another point off of the execution. Yep, 6 out of 10 right this moment.

And the moment has passed. Let's touch on the dialogue, shall we? This line, "They killed my father, now I don't kill them..." Uh... what? I mean, the idea starts strong, but I think something is up with the grammar here. Or maybe the revenge is implying something we don't see yet? Usually when I see anything that is teasing at revenge, I feel like that is going to be inevitable, but this one feels like it's adjusting mid-sentence to allude to... I don't know what.

Last point, gone. Now we have my 5 out of 10 for execution.

Hope that clears up why I gave that trailer, teaser, advertised sneak peak its two ratings. Again, I hate doing this because I have to compare it with something and the benchmark usually is very high, so had @SenseiHusky asked us to compare it with another's work, then maybe it would've turned out differently. Well, there you all go.