Antagonist Writing (Tips For An Emotional Scene)

[Abytherix]

Context:
The MC (Kylrus) gets transmigrated into the body of the primary antagonist (Arthur) and basically realizes later in the story that it was all pre planned. In this chapter he is finally seeing the primary antagonist's past memories, this is a continuation. I wanted to make the antagonist really overpowered and cruel, and someone who is ready to do anything required for power, thus he even sacrificed his own brother in order to unlock forbidden magic. I want tips about how I can make this more emotional or if this is too much. I wanna leave a lasting impression of the antagonist on the reader. Here's the chapter:


Forbidden magic was something Arthur needed desperately. If he was able to master it, he would be able to dominate other transcendents. This was the key to his advancement.

But it required a blood sacrifice, this was the reason Arthur had not been able to use it before. But now was he thinking about if he should sacrifice his own family or not? No. Instead, he was just thinking about who he could sacrifice.

This man had received all the love he could his entire life, he was treated as the most important and valuable person in his family and was thus cared for. But he didn't care. If it would help him gain power, he was ready to make as many sacrifices as necessary. He only loved himself.

Suddenly a thought came to his mind.

"Leon."

He was the youngest son of the Drakenhart family, he was 8 years old, even younger than Isolde. The reason Arthur chose him was not because he cared more about the others, but it was purely strategic.

Leon had been born with a lifelong illness, which shattered a person's mana core at birth and would keep him powerless and extremely frail and weak his entire life.

Because of this, the royal family had hidden his birth. No one outside even knew that there was a prince called Leon. The royal family wanted to protect and isolate him from the outside world.

'Killing Leon would give me less trouble because of this.'

Arthur had made his mind; without further contemplation he reached the garden. It was a wholesome family gathering. Alice had Leon on her lap while she was singing him songs, Seraphina, Darius, Lysandra, Elowen and Isolde were also there having a conversation and cracking jokes with each other like normal siblings.

Shockingly even Lucian, who normally ignored such gatherings was sitting quietly and listening to the conversation, and the emperor Caelus, who was free from work was also there. It was indeed a peaceful family talk; no one would guess it was a royal family.

"Oh Arthur! You were the only person missing… Come join us!"

Alice cheerfully invited Arthur, making Lucian frown a little.

But shocking everyone, Arthur pulled out his sword, Solvyrion.

"What are you trying to do?"

Seraphina asked in a confused manner.

"Hand me Leon."

"Why??"

Alice asked in a hesitant tone.

"I want to free him of his misery."

These words completely shocked and terrified every single person present there.

Alice instantly covered Leon's ears and hugged him tightly.

Leon was a disabled and sick kid since childhood, thus his parents and siblings did everything they could to not let him feel different. They all made sure to take care of him and give him all the attention he needed. Even a lone person like Lucian also cared about him. He was everyone's cute little Leon.

"What are you saying???"

She asked in a trembling and furious voice.

"I won't ask again. Hand him over. Now."

"ENOUGH!"

Caelus, who had enough stood up, extremely angry.

At that point, he was fully normal and was not suffering from any disease. He was the second strongest person in the empire, and naturally would not let his son be killed.

"Or what?"

"You insolent brat! I've always excused your behavior… Perhaps I spoiled you too much… I will teach you a lesson so harsh that you would never view others as insects ever again!"

"Is that so?"

Arthur's voice came from behind Caelus's ear. He had disappeared from his sight and instantly appeared behind him.

"You!"

Caelus was not inexperienced, he immediately drew out his sword and—

CLANG

Their swords met. They instantly started exchanging blows so fast, it was invisible to others. Caelus was a monster, he had countless experience throughout the years of battle, but his opponent was Arthur.

This was not Kylrus, who lacked experience. Kylrus would have struggled to face Caelus in his prime, but Arthur?

In about 5 strikes, Caelus's sword was thrown away. Arthur's movements and force were so absurd, even Caelus was not able to keep track. How would experience help in such a fight?

SLAM

Without showing any mercy, Arthur kicked his own father, which sent him flying and crashing into the wall far away. He immediately started coughing blood.

"SLEEP!"

Seraphina couldn't just stand by anymore, she had no idea what had gotten into her brother's mind but she would surely not allow him to kill Leon. Her magic was horrifying; it had the ability to directly collapse a person's brain through complex illusions.

She didn't wish to kill Arthur and thus used a sleep spell but, Arthur remained completely indifferent.

"A 9th tier mage trying to attack a 10th tier mage? Have you forgotten everything I have taught you? Or are you not rational currently?"

SLAP

Arthur immediately closed their distance and slapped Seraphina, which made her fall to the ground in immense pain.

"Why are you doing this?? Are you possessed?"

Darius couldn't believe his eyes.

"We need to subdue him first Darius."

Lucian also had enough.

Both of them knew they were no match but still couldn't stand aside, thus they directly lunged towards Arthur. One 9th tier swordsman and one 8th tier swordsman but of course—

Arthur grabbed Lucian's sword with one hand, and blocked Darius's sword with Solvyrion. That one clash made Darius vomit blood, with just a swing of his sword he sent Darius flying and crashing away.

As for Lucian, he kicked him in the stomach and finally struck his head, making him lose consciousness.

"Arthur… Why??"

Alice was still clutching Leon hard. The child she had loved the most, was now mercilessly beating his own family and wanted to kill his own brother… She started regretting everything… This person never deserved their love. They always thought love would change Arthur's ideology about life, but they were completely wrong.

Lysandra, Elowen and Isolde had hugged each other trembling in pure fear, they couldn't confront Arthur as they were powerless.

"Mom don't make me use force."

"You need to kill me first! You beast of a son!"

Alice cried, her voice breaking.

Arthur just took a long sigh.

With just a little force, he snatched Leon away and pushed Alice back.

"Mommy… What does brother Arthur want to do to me? A-Am I in trouble?"

Leon asked innocently, looking at Arthur.

"NO ARTHUR I BEG YOU… PLEASE!"

Alice desperately tried running back toward him but—

SLICE

It was too late, before Leon could even know… His head had been severed without any hesitation.

"NOOOOOOOO...."

Alice dropped to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably, completely broken now.

"ARTHUR!!!!!!!!"

Caelus yelled, but not even in the position to stand up anymore.

"Finally…. Finally, I've done it. After years of hard work, I was finally able to achieve it…"

Arthur looked at the sky with an expressionless face.

"Why…"

Everyone looked at Arthur, someone they had considered their own with eyes full of betrayal and helplessness.

"Just because you're my family… Doesn't mean you're me."

Arthur finally looked down at them, who were lying on the ground.

"This was a necessary sacrifice."

"Is this karma?"

Caelus was also broken, he had himself killed and destroyed many families, he hadn't even spared children. And now his actions had come back at him, his own son killed his other son… If that isn't karma then what is?

"You are no longer a Drakenhart… I would rather die than give you the throne."

Caelus spoke in a faint voice.

"I don't want your powerless throne. But I can't have you hate me like that. It would be troublesome for my future plans."

"You still wish us to love you? After all you did?"

Seraphina spoke.

"What did I do?"

"Are you asking this to make us feel even worse? Even after killing Leon?"

"Who is Leon?"

His words made everyone even more furious, this man even refused to acknowledge his own brother but soon their eyes widened as—

"Notion."

As soon as he said that, everyone lost consciousness, their eyes became completely white, as if in a daze. This was the first time Arthur had used a forbidden spell, but this was the most dangerous one.

Unlike Kylrus, who due to his injury could only alter the past few minutes of the target's memories, Arthur, who had practiced the control of mana for years, could completely change a person's memories of their entire lives.

They woke up after a few hours, but none of them remembered what Arthur had done. But even worse, none of them even remembered they had a brother or a son named Leon. They forgot the complete existence of Leon.

Caelus only had three sons and four daughters. Alice still loved Arthur the most, Lucian still resented Arthur out of inferiority complex, Seraphina still admired and thought highly of Arthur, Darius still considered Arthur his idol. Everything was just like before.

 

[JordanIda]

I don't feel much of anything.

But I'm coming into it fresh. Have never read the book or played the game or watched the cartoon you're taking the idea from.

(Don't say you're not. You are. You're using jargon without defining it. The jargon comes from your source. Whatever it is.)

Anyhoo, the way to leave a lasting impression is to induce your reader to internalize it.

How do you do that?

You take a common human condition. Happy. Sad. Horrific. Euphoric. The more universal, the better. And you make the reader imagine experiencing that condition him- or herself.

It's easy-peasy to make a reader hungry. Or thirsty.

It's easy to make a reader feel the euphoria of sexual climax.

It's easy to make a reader imagine herself in the terminal phase of stage four cancer, because terminal cancer has touched most lives.

It's a bit of a challenge to make a reader imagine being under torture. Most of us haven't been tortured. But we've all experienced severe pain, and to recoil from the threat of maiming, burning, and disfigurement is a fairly universal response.

And so on.

Now back to your story. All this "transmigratory teleportative transmogrification" stuff you're talking about? Or whatever your inspirational source calls it? This is not universal. If you want your reader to imagine it happening to herself, one thing's for sure: you've set yourself to a hugely ambitious goal. Because it does. Not. Happen. To anyone. And has never happened. To anyone. It is impossible to viscerally imagine. One can't describe how it feels. To do it. Or to have it done to oneself. Because it does not feel like anything. And never has. And never will.

 

[Abytherix]

I don't feel much of anything.

But I'm coming into it fresh. Have never read the book or played the game or watched the cartoon you're taking the idea from.

(Don't say you're not. You are. You're using jargon without defining it. The jargon comes from your source. Whatever it is.)

Anyhoo, the way to leave a lasting impression is to induce your reader to internalize it.

How do you do that?

You take a common human condition. Happy. Sad. Horrific. Euphoric. The more universal, the better. And you make the reader imagine experiencing that condition him- or herself.

It's easy-peasy to make a reader hungry. Or thirsty.

It's easy to make a reader feel the euphoria of sexual climax.

It's easy to make a reader imagine herself in the terminal phase of stage four cancer, because terminal cancer has touched most lives.

It's a bit of a challenge to make a reader imagine being under torture. Most of us haven't been tortured. But we've all experienced severe pain, and to recoil from the threat of maiming, burning, and disfigurement is a fairly universal response.

And so on.

Now back to your story. All this "transmigratory teleportative transmogrification" stuff you're talking about? Or whatever your inspirational source calls it? This is not universal. If you want your reader to imagine it happening to herself, one thing's for sure: you've set yourself to a hugely ambitious goal. Because it does. Not. Happen. To anyone. And has never happened. To anyone. It is impossible to viscerally imagine. One can't describe how it feels. To do it. Or to have it done to oneself. Because it does not feel like anything. And never has. And never will.

Transmigration is basically when the soul of one person wakes up in the body of another person. I didn't explain it in detail cuz isekai is a pretty common and well known genre and this is similar. And this is like chapter 80 so yea I get it that you aren't able to relate to anything. I was just asking if the emotional scenes have been conveyed properly or they don't feel that connecting. And ty for your tips

 

[JordanIda]

Yeah, I went hard on it to make a point, and I do see the similarity to Isekai.

I've tried Isekai a few times, and I've given up, because it didn't make me feel anything, either.

What I'm saying is, your scene's actions and situations are not "emotional." They don't convey emotion. The situations don't relate to human experience. No one has ever woken up in the body of another person. It's impossible to viscerally relate to it, and the viscera are where emotions live.

The whole Isekai genre, and all its myriad off-shoots, are more reminiscent of the interaction of one human with a game controller, commanding figures on a screen with his thumbs, than any resemblance to interaction between two people. Figures on screens don't feel anything. "Emotion" is an irrelevant term. There is no emotion. Maybe the player with the controller revels in his power. I suppose that feeling of being in control is an emotion of a sort, puerile and facile though it is. But the scene itself? The interaction between persons? Nope, nothing. There can't be. There aren't persons, plural. There is only one.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Yeah, I went hard on it to make a point, and I do see the similarity to Isekai.

Random Explanation on that one (that nobody asked for):
Actually, you could say Transmigration is the Korean Webnovel equivalent to Japanese Isekai, so it really is basically the same, but the Tropes and flavors differ, because one is dominated by the Japanese and one by the Koreans, which creates a difference in how they are told, due to general cultural nuances in storytelling.
It's basically the same, as it usually depends on a character dying somehow or falling asleep in one way or another, giving them the chance to wake up in a new world, either in the body of a person that already lived their life for some time or as a newborn baby. So, yeah, same difference. But it often does what the Japanese Otome Isekai Trope does as well, where the world or characters the MC is transmigrated into are actually known to the MC - they used to be Novels they read, or Games they played. It gives them insight into the world and the character setup beforehand.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Context:
The MC (Kylrus) gets transmigrated into the body of the primary antagonist (Arthur) and basically realizes later in the story that it was all pre planned. In this chapter he is finally seeing the primary antagonist's past memories, this is a continuation. I wanted to make the antagonist really overpowered and cruel, and someone who is ready to do anything required for power, thus he even sacrificed his own brother in order to unlock forbidden magic. I want tips about how I can make this more emotional or if this is too much. I wanna leave a lasting impression of the antagonist on the reader. Here's the chapter:


Forbidden magic was something Arthur needed desperately. If he was able to master it, he would be able to dominate other transcendents. This was the key to his advancement.

But it required a blood sacrifice, this was the reason Arthur had not been able to use it before. But now was he thinking about if he should sacrifice his own family or not? No. Instead, he was just thinking about who he could sacrifice.

This man had received all the love he could his entire life, he was treated as the most important and valuable person in his family and was thus cared for. But he didn't care. If it would help him gain power, he was ready to make as many sacrifices as necessary. He only loved himself.

Suddenly a thought came to his mind.

"Leon."

He was the youngest son of the Drakenhart family, he was 8 years old, even younger than Isolde. The reason Arthur chose him was not because he cared more about the others, but it was purely strategic.

Leon had been born with a lifelong illness, which shattered a person's mana core at birth and would keep him powerless and extremely frail and weak his entire life.

Because of this, the royal family had hidden his birth. No one outside even knew that there was a prince called Leon. The royal family wanted to protect and isolate him from the outside world.

'Killing Leon would give me less trouble because of this.'

Arthur had made his mind; without further contemplation he reached the garden. It was a wholesome family gathering. Alice had Leon on her lap while she was singing him songs, Seraphina, Darius, Lysandra, Elowen and Isolde were also there having a conversation and cracking jokes with each other like normal siblings.

Shockingly even Lucian, who normally ignored such gatherings was sitting quietly and listening to the conversation, and the emperor Caelus, who was free from work was also there. It was indeed a peaceful family talk; no one would guess it was a royal family.

"Oh Arthur! You were the only person missing… Come join us!"

Alice cheerfully invited Arthur, making Lucian frown a little.

But shocking everyone, Arthur pulled out his sword, Solvyrion.

"What are you trying to do?"

Seraphina asked in a confused manner.

"Hand me Leon."

"Why??"

Alice asked in a hesitant tone.

"I want to free him of his misery."

These words completely shocked and terrified every single person present there.

Alice instantly covered Leon's ears and hugged him tightly.

Leon was a disabled and sick kid since childhood, thus his parents and siblings did everything they could to not let him feel different. They all made sure to take care of him and give him all the attention he needed. Even a lone person like Lucian also cared about him. He was everyone's cute little Leon.

"What are you saying???"

She asked in a trembling and furious voice.

"I won't ask again. Hand him over. Now."

"ENOUGH!"

Caelus, who had enough stood up, extremely angry.

At that point, he was fully normal and was not suffering from any disease. He was the second strongest person in the empire, and naturally would not let his son be killed.

"Or what?"

"You insolent brat! I've always excused your behavior… Perhaps I spoiled you too much… I will teach you a lesson so harsh that you would never view others as insects ever again!"

"Is that so?"

Arthur's voice came from behind Caelus's ear. He had disappeared from his sight and instantly appeared behind him.

"You!"

Caelus was not inexperienced, he immediately drew out his sword and—

CLANG

Their swords met. They instantly started exchanging blows so fast, it was invisible to others. Caelus was a monster, he had countless experience throughout the years of battle, but his opponent was Arthur.

This was not Kylrus, who lacked experience. Kylrus would have struggled to face Caelus in his prime, but Arthur?

In about 5 strikes, Caelus's sword was thrown away. Arthur's movements and force were so absurd, even Caelus was not able to keep track. How would experience help in such a fight?

SLAM

Without showing any mercy, Arthur kicked his own father, which sent him flying and crashing into the wall far away. He immediately started coughing blood.

"SLEEP!"

Seraphina couldn't just stand by anymore, she had no idea what had gotten into her brother's mind but she would surely not allow him to kill Leon. Her magic was horrifying; it had the ability to directly collapse a person's brain through complex illusions.

She didn't wish to kill Arthur and thus used a sleep spell but, Arthur remained completely indifferent.

"A 9th tier mage trying to attack a 10th tier mage? Have you forgotten everything I have taught you? Or are you not rational currently?"

SLAP

Arthur immediately closed their distance and slapped Seraphina, which made her fall to the ground in immense pain.

"Why are you doing this?? Are you possessed?"

Darius couldn't believe his eyes.

"We need to subdue him first Darius."

Lucian also had enough.

Both of them knew they were no match but still couldn't stand aside, thus they directly lunged towards Arthur. One 9th tier swordsman and one 8th tier swordsman but of course—

Arthur grabbed Lucian's sword with one hand, and blocked Darius's sword with Solvyrion. That one clash made Darius vomit blood, with just a swing of his sword he sent Darius flying and crashing away.

As for Lucian, he kicked him in the stomach and finally struck his head, making him lose consciousness.

"Arthur… Why??"

Alice was still clutching Leon hard. The child she had loved the most, was now mercilessly beating his own family and wanted to kill his own brother… She started regretting everything… This person never deserved their love. They always thought love would change Arthur's ideology about life, but they were completely wrong.

Lysandra, Elowen and Isolde had hugged each other trembling in pure fear, they couldn't confront Arthur as they were powerless.

"Mom don't make me use force."

"You need to kill me first! You beast of a son!"

Alice cried, her voice breaking.

Arthur just took a long sigh.

With just a little force, he snatched Leon away and pushed Alice back.

"Mommy… What does brother Arthur want to do to me? A-Am I in trouble?"

Leon asked innocently, looking at Arthur.

"NO ARTHUR I BEG YOU… PLEASE!"

Alice desperately tried running back toward him but—

SLICE

It was too late, before Leon could even know… His head had been severed without any hesitation.

"NOOOOOOOO...."

Alice dropped to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably, completely broken now.

"ARTHUR!!!!!!!!"

Caelus yelled, but not even in the position to stand up anymore.

"Finally…. Finally, I've done it. After years of hard work, I was finally able to achieve it…"

Arthur looked at the sky with an expressionless face.

"Why…"

Everyone looked at Arthur, someone they had considered their own with eyes full of betrayal and helplessness.

"Just because you're my family… Doesn't mean you're me."

Arthur finally looked down at them, who were lying on the ground.

"This was a necessary sacrifice."

"Is this karma?"

Caelus was also broken, he had himself killed and destroyed many families, he hadn't even spared children. And now his actions had come back at him, his own son killed his other son… If that isn't karma then what is?

"You are no longer a Drakenhart… I would rather die than give you the throne."

Caelus spoke in a faint voice.

"I don't want your powerless throne. But I can't have you hate me like that. It would be troublesome for my future plans."

"You still wish us to love you? After all you did?"

Seraphina spoke.

"What did I do?"

"Are you asking this to make us feel even worse? Even after killing Leon?"

"Who is Leon?"

His words made everyone even more furious, this man even refused to acknowledge his own brother but soon their eyes widened as—

"Notion."

As soon as he said that, everyone lost consciousness, their eyes became completely white, as if in a daze. This was the first time Arthur had used a forbidden spell, but this was the most dangerous one.

Unlike Kylrus, who due to his injury could only alter the past few minutes of the target's memories, Arthur, who had practiced the control of mana for years, could completely change a person's memories of their entire lives.

They woke up after a few hours, but none of them remembered what Arthur had done. But even worse, none of them even remembered they had a brother or a son named Leon. They forgot the complete existence of Leon.

Caelus only had three sons and four daughters. Alice still loved Arthur the most, Lucian still resented Arthur out of inferiority complex, Seraphina still admired and thought highly of Arthur, Darius still considered Arthur his idol. Everything was just like before.

This is a memory being witnessed by his new inhabitant? Shouldn't Kylrus be screaming at him to stop, trying to look away from the memory in horror but forced to continue, as much from morbid fascination as anything else?

Honestly, I'd expected Arthur to kill his father and accept THAT as the sacrifice at first...

 

[Abytherix]

This is a memory being witnessed by his new inhabitant? Shouldn't Kylrus be screaming at him to stop, trying to look away from the memory in horror but forced to continue, as much from morbid fascination as anything else?

Honestly, I'd expected Arthur to kill his father and accept THAT as the sacrifice at first...

Kylrus's reaction is shown in the next chapter. The reason Arthur chose Leon instead of another person was that his birth had been hidden from the public and noone outside of the royal family knew about him. This allowed Arthur to manipulate the memories of his family and make them completely forget Leon even existed. He did all this for his future plans (bringing Kylrus into his body)

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Kylrus's reaction is shown in the next chapter.

That removes a chance to keep the reader immersed and make the emotions of the moment even stronger and more horrifying though.

The reason Arthur chose Leon instead of another person was that his birth had been hidden from the public and noone outside of the royal family knew about him. This allowed Arthur to manipulate the memories of his family and make them completely forget Leon even existed. He did all this for his future plans (bringing Kylrus into his body)

Understandable, but if the others volunteered to be the sacrifice, he should be willing to oblige them... :D

 

[Tetrahedron]

Oh dear God... a long wall of text with me lacking the will to read all of it.

I'll come back tomorrow for a thorough assessment.

Transmigration is the Korean Webnovel equivalent to Japanese Isekai

Close, but not quite. Isekai has many subgenres, including Reincarnation, despite it's not always into another body in another world.
Arifureta was the case of summoned into another world/transported into another world, while GATE Jieitai whatever is the case of Transmigration, at least that's how I see it, with the JSDF able to go back and forth.

 

[Abytherix]

Alright XD

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Transmigration

Not quite.
The idea was obviously existent in both media, but the Japanese never used the term as an umbrella. Korea did.

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Okay, so the first thing getting in the way of your emotions here is structural pacing. For emotional scenes, the prose needs to flow. To mirror what the Point of View character (POV) is feeling. I'm not going to act as if I know your story well enough to edit it perfect for you. But I will be editing it imperfectly in an isolated way to show what I mean.

Forbidden magic was something Arthur needed desperately. It was the key to everything! But ... it required a blood. His own family. To decide who he could sacrifice.

I cut away a LOT of detail, but you still understand everything. I played with punctuation and bit, and sentence length. All to mirror the sort of internal fractured trepidation the POV character might be feeling. As a result, the text feels emotional and far less clinical/lore-dumpy.

The reason Arthur chose him was not because he cared more about the others, but it was purely strategic.

Don't tell the reader that Arthur doesn't care. Show it, by not even considering the emotional implications. Here, I'll try to edit it as an example.

Suddenly a thought came to his mind.

"Leon."

He was the youngest son of the Drakenhart family, 8 years old, even younger than Isolde. A child with a lifelong illness. Powerless, frail. Because of this, the royal family had hidden his birth. No one outside even knew that there was a prince called Leon. That the royal family wanted to protect him would be their undoing.

Here, we show the strategical thinking, without ever expositing the reason. The reader can just see the f-ed up practicality.

The next problem is in the very next paragraph, where Arthur goes to the garden. Moving from one scene to the next to kill a child should be important. It's some of the most ripe potential to show your villain. Is he cold about it, like it's any other day? Does he get more excited as he goes? Is he trembling? Either way, by skipping it, you are undercutting the emotional power of the scene.

Next, you are drawing out the scene to much with too many paragraph breaks. Short paragraphs and condensed dialog are supposed to create urgency. But when you overuse them, it ends up creating the opposite effect. Just ... a lot of white space. So keep all actions and dialog from a single character together. Anduse more dialog tags, because the later conversation ends up very confusing.

"What are you trying to do?" Seraphina asked, confused.

"Hand me Leon."

"Why?" Alice asked in a hesitant tone.

"I want to free him of his misery."

The next problem is in the battle itself. It's so technical and emotionally distant, that we don't feel anything. I'll post a particularly bad example below. And I'm going to harshly comment in it. Not because you deserve harshness. You don't. You are looking for feedback and doing the work, Which is admirable. But you need to see how a reader reacts in their head when reading it.

Seraphina couldn't just stand by anymore, she had no idea what had gotten into her brother's mind but she would surely not allow him to kill Leon. Her magic was horrifying; it had the ability to directly collapse a person's brain through complex illusions. (I do not care about how her spells work right now, a child is being murdered!)

She didn't wish to kill Arthur and thus used a sleep spell (What? her child is being murdered, any mother would be find with murdering Arthur here) but, Arthur remained completely indifferent. (emotionally? physically?)

"A 9th tier mage trying to attack a 10th tier mage? (Oh god, I do not care about tiers or rpg-mechanics. Again, child being murdered) Have you forgotten everything I have taught you? Or are you not rational currently?" (Arthur doesn't come off as a villain or mentor with this dialog. He sounds ... like a basement incel. Which doesn't make him scary at all!)

Okay, the next problem is you are jumping between POVs too much for the reader to be able to focus on or feel any set of emotions. First we are with Arthur, then we're in the mother's head, then we're in ... some guys head. If you want to build up emotion, you need to settle in on one POV. Then show us the emotions through expressions, tone, body language, action, and dialog. You don't need to see into the mother's head to know she is horrified. Just let her act horrified, and violently so.

"You need to kill me first! You beast of a son!"

Somehow both awkward and profoundly silly. You have a lot of ... silliness in this chapter. Coming from the theatrics of the setting. Which is intentionally funny in some stories. But, since you are trying to create emotion, it is working against you. Forget your world, forget its norms, forget your worldbuilding. Focus on this chapter like it's happening in the real world. A guy came into a family gathering to murder their child. That is something raw, which pushes all other focus aside for now. Rewrite this scene without trying to tie it into the grander story.

SLICE

This is ... like the POW and BANG effects in the old Adam West Batman. Again, silly. You don't want silly. You want emotion. So show us. Show us Arthur cutting a line through the child's chest. The blood pouring. The expression of pain and horror on the child's face. The mother's gutteral scream. Not ... a canned sound effect.

Caelus was also broken, he had himself killed and destroyed many families, he hadn't even spared children. And now his actions had come back at him, his own son killed his other son… If that isn't karma then what is?

"You are no longer a Drakenhart… I would rather die than give you the throne."

Caelus spoke in a faint voice.

"I don't want your powerless throne. But I can't have you hate me like that. It would be troublesome for my future plans."

"You still wish us to love you? After all you did?"

Seraphina spoke.

"What did I do?"

"Are you asking this to make us feel even worse? Even after killing Leon?"

"Who is Leon?"

This whole section comes across as a twisted family sitcom moment. "Is this Karma?" A villain twisting his villainous mustache. Queue Steve Urkel "Did I do that?" "Leon, who is Leon?"

Again, think of this in terms of the real world. Think of a real person, going in to a family party, and killing a child. Nobody would be acting like that. They would be devastated. They wouldn't know what to do. And the villain? The villain would be reacting as well. Like a human. Honestly? Maybe you need to watch a few police interviews of people after they kill someone. To see how they justify, how they distance themselves, how they try to lie about it to everyone, including themselves. THAT is what creates emotion. Not silliness.

Unlike Kylrus, who due to his injury could only alter the past few minutes of the target's memories, Arthur, who had practiced the control of mana for years, could completely change a person's memories of their entire lives.

They woke up after a few hours, but none of them remembered what Arthur had done. But even worse, none of them even remembered they had a brother or a son named Leon. They forgot the complete existence of Leon.

Caelus only had three sons and four daughters. Alice still loved Arthur the most, Lucian still resented Arthur out of inferiority complex, Seraphina still admired and thought highly of Arthur, Darius still considered Arthur his idol. Everything was just like before.

Finally, there's your ending to the scene. Which is a good idea, and has real potential. But it is also the biggest scene where you haven't yet adapted the Show Don't Tell rule. Don't tell us what the magic does. Just let the family wake up. Don't summarize it. Show the mother asking, "Who is that boy on the ground? He's ... he's dead."

"Just some waif, intruding onto our little gathering" says the villain.

Then, to really nail the point home, let someone in the family laugh or summon a guard to deal with "the filth". Drive the point home, let the reader really swim in the emotion of the scene.

I hope all that helps. Like I said, you are doing the work by asking for advice. Best of luck.

 

[Abytherix]

Okay, so the first thing getting in the way of your emotions here is structural pacing. For emotional scenes, the prose needs to flow. To mirror what the Point of View character (POV) is feeling. I'm not going to act as if I know your story well enough to edit it perfect for you. But I will be editing it imperfectly in an isolated way to show what I mean.




I cut away a LOT of detail, but you still understand everything. I played with punctuation and bit, and sentence length. All to mirror the sort of internal fractured trepidation the POV character might be feeling. As a result, the text feels emotional and far less clinical/lore-dumpy.




Don't tell the reader that Arthur doesn't care. Show it, by not even considering the emotional implications. Here, I'll try to edit it as an example.



Here, we show the strategical thinking, without ever expositing the reason. The reader can just see the f-ed up practicality.

The next problem is in the very next paragraph, where Arthur goes to the garden. Moving from one scene to the next to kill a child should be important. It's some of the most ripe potential to show your villain. Is he cold about it, like it's any other day? Does he get more excited as he goes? Is he trembling? Either way, by skipping it, you are undercutting the emotional power of the scene.

Next, you are drawing out the scene to much with too many paragraph breaks. Short paragraphs and condensed dialog are supposed to create urgency. But when you overuse them, it ends up creating the opposite effect. Just ... a lot of white space. So keep all actions and dialog from a single character together. Anduse more dialog tags, because the later conversation ends up very confusing.




The next problem is in the battle itself. It's so technical and emotionally distant, that we don't feel anything. I'll post a particularly bad example below. And I'm going to harshly comment in it. Not because you deserve harshness. You don't. You are looking for feedback and doing the work, Which is admirable. But you need to see how a reader reacts in their head when reading it.



Okay, the next problem is you are jumping between POVs too much for the reader to be able to focus on or feel any set of emotions. First we are with Arthur, then we're in the mother's head, then we're in ... some guys head. If you want to build up emotion, you need to settle in on one POV. Then show us the emotions through expressions, tone, body language, action, and dialog. You don't need to see into the mother's head to know she is horrified. Just let her act horrified, and violently so.




Somehow both awkward and profoundly silly. You have a lot of ... silliness in this chapter. Coming from the theatrics of the setting. Which is intentionally funny in some stories. But, since you are trying to create emotion, it is working against you. Forget your world, forget its norms, forget your worldbuilding. Focus on this chapter like it's happening in the real world. A guy came into a family gathering to murder their child. That is something raw, which pushes all other focus aside for now. Rewrite this scene without trying to tie it into the grander story.



This is ... like the POW and BANG effects in the old Adam West Batman. Again, silly. You don't want silly. You want emotion. So show us. Show us Arthur cutting a line through the child's chest. The blood pouring. The expression of pain and horror on the child's face. The mother's gutteral scream. Not ... a canned sound effect.



This whole section comes across as a twisted family sitcom moment. "Is this Karma?" A villain twisting his villainous mustache. Queue Steve Urkel "Did I do that?" "Leon, who is Leon?"

Again, think of this in terms of the real world. Think of a real person, going in to a family party, and killing a child. Nobody would be acting like that. They would be devastated. They wouldn't know what to do. And the villain? The villain would be reacting as well. Like a human. Honestly? Maybe you need to watch a few police interviews of people after they kill someone. To see how they justify, how they distance themselves, how they try to lie about it to everyone, including themselves. THAT is what creates emotion. Not silliness.




Finally, there's your ending to the scene. Which is a good idea, and has real potential. But it is also the biggest scene where you haven't yet adapted the Show Don't Tell rule. Don't tell us what the magic does. Just let the family wake up. Don't summarize it. Show the mother asking, "Who is that boy on the ground? He's ... he's dead."

"Just some waif, intruding onto our little gathering" says the villain.

Then, to really nail the point home, let someone in the family laugh or summon a guard to deal with "the filth". Drive the point home, let the reader really swim in the emotion of the scene.

I hope all that helps. Like I said, you are doing the work by asking for advice. Best of luck.

Thanks for the feedback, it really helped. I can see that you took a lot of time reading and commenting on this