Could I get your honest thoughts?

[GreenStudio]

Go for it.

You're the second person to express dislike about the intro. I understand that it doesn't really mesh with an ordinary world, but that's exactly why I added it. So the reader can know that there was world beyond this one. That way when this scene pops us:

With that hand, he could cast a certain power that denied all rules of the world. It was a completely and totally illogical power that, by all standards, shouldn’t exist in this ordinary and mundane world like this one.

It works as foreshadowing to the fact that Akuma will eventually leave that world. And it establishes that God is dead, and begs the question of what happened during the seventh day.

Is it really a dealbreaker?

When you insert Akuma's routine info dump in the middle of the action, it causes a shift in POV from a limited third POV to an omniscient POV because the narrator can switch from past events to the present in a single narrative.

In an omniscient POV, the narrator is like a god in the story, not bound by the constraints of time and space. He can move to various locations, times, and knows the thoughts, feelings, identities of the characters, and all information.

This is different from a limited third POV where the narrator functions more as a camera that follows the MC.

You keep saying "past" but his routine isn't a backstory. It's simply expressing what he'd rather be doing.

 

[Eldoria]

It works as foreshadowing to the fact that Akuma will eventually leave that world. And it establishes that God is dead, and begs the question of what happened during the seventh day.

Is it really a dealbreaker?

Dude... you've apparently never dealt with a religious fanatic before. Give it a try!

 

[GreenStudio]

Dude... you've apparently never dealt with a religious fanatic before. Give it a try!

Lol. Believe me, I know these people are crazy.

Unfortunately, my story features many, many gods and beliefs. The main villains are literally angels. At some point I'd have to reveal the truth. I know it'll offend a lot of people, but I'm not here to masquerade my story under the guise of craftsmanship. If I lose potential readers from that then so be it.
I wanna say thanks again everyone for the feedback. I've already gotten started with revisions.

 

[Eldoria]

I'm also hesitant on your advice for the dialogue. You completely changed Akuma's character to be more expressive. I also find your suggestions to be somewhat generic. But in reality, he's not able to express those feelings around others. That's why he speaks more as a narrator. He's the type who observes first, acts later.

The problem isn't your MC's character, but how the MC's characterization is narrated. You can narrate a calm MC without the narrator needing to dictate him.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

You're the second person to express dislike about the intro. I understand that it doesn't really mesh with an ordinary world, but that's exactly why I added it. So the reader can know that there was world beyond this one. That way when this scene pops us:

It works as foreshadowing to the fact that Akuma will eventually leave that world. And it establishes that God is dead, and begs the question of what happened during the seventh day.

Is it really a dealbreaker?

You keep saying "past" but his routine isn't a backstory. It's simply expressing what he'd rather be doing.

It’s not a dealbreaker, but it does weaken the opening because it asks the reader to process some big abstract lore before they’re grounded in the character or situation. The issue is that there's no real connection yet. If it were tied more directly to Akuma or introduced slightly later, it would have a stronger impact. At least I think so.

Also, regarding the POV discussion; I think the issue isn’t whether it’s omniscient or limited, it’s that your narration sometimes steps outside of Akuma’s immediate perspective to explain things more cleanly than he would think about them in the moment. It's fine to have distance, but not too much, if that makes sense. So overall, that's why I've said immersion isn't a main issue and never was. It's more like, we don't know Akuma that well yet or have reason to give a shit. You need to let readers know what he wants or feels beneath the surface of his sarcasm and detachedness.

In short: your story explains the character instead of letting the character reveal himself.
Akuma is calm. Akuma is composed. Akuma is this type of person.
That's great, but let him show us he's all these things.

 

[GreenStudio]

The problem isn't your MC's character, but how the MC's characterization is narrated. You can narrate a calm MC without the narrator needing to dictate him.

This is 100% correct. The problem at hand though is that you keep separating the narrator and Akuma. They are one in the same. The only reason I chose 3rd person limited instead of 1st person is to give distance.

It's more like, we don't know Akuma that well yet or have reason to give a shit. You need to let readers know what he wants or feels beneath the surface of his sarcasm and detachedness.

Now this I can get behind. I had thought I did this with this moment here:

Akuma glanced over at the pair of middle school girls next to them. He noticed that they were still trembling, even after Akuma knocked out four out of the five delinquents.

Akuma’s gaze snapped back at Bomi, cold and disgusted.

I'll have to rethink my approach to this. I also notice the wording is a bit weird.

 

[Eldoria]

This is 100% correct. The problem at hand though is that you keep separating the narrator and Akuma. They are one in the same. The only reason I chose 3rd person limited instead of 1st person is to give distance.

Dude... I don't want to argue with you about POV. This is my final answer in this thread.

If you want the narrator to be the MC, then it would be more relevant to use the first POV.

In the limited third POV, the narrator functions more as a camera following the MC.

If you want a deeper POV where the narrator focuses more on the MC, please use Deep POV.

 

[AliceMoonvale]

This is 100% correct. The problem at hand though is that you keep separating the narrator and Akuma. They are one in the same. The only reason I chose 3rd person limited instead of 1st person is to give distance.


Now this I can get behind. I had thought I did this with this moment here:

I'll have to rethink my approach to this. I also notice the wording is a bit weird.

Just a wee bit of advice btw. The narration should feel like the character. Y'know, voice, tone and phrasing? Things that would reflect Akuma. Narration and character are not the same, at least not really. It's more of a filter. In close third person, the narrator can summarize, compress thoughts or choose what to show.

Akuma can't do that himself.

Which is why right now, your story is giving 'MC explaining himself through the narrator' vibes. Instead of 'We are experiencing peak Akuma in real time caught in 4k HD'.

Akuma glanced over at the pair of middle school girls next to them. He noticed that they were still trembling, even after Akuma knocked out four out of the five delinquents.

Akuma’s gaze snapped back at Bomi, cold and disgusted.

Want me to critique this specifically? Alright. (I know you didn't ask but I feel like doing it anyway) It's generic, low effort emotionally and very surface level. I got nothing from reading it. All this tells me is that he has eyes and he can register emotions while also being able to present emotions. It doesn't tell me the exact what and why. What he thinks about it and why it matters.

“cold and disgusted” is labeling, not characterization.

The narrator is just saying 'this is what he feels because I say so'
But as a reader, I don't experience it.

Lazily, I'd reframe it as something like:

The girls hadn’t stopped shaking, even now.
Akuma clicked his tongue and looked away.

There's a difference between emotional tension and emotional absence.

Hope that helps~

Dude... I don't want to argue with you about POV. This is my final answer in this thread.

If you want the narrator to be the MC, then it would be more relevant to use the first POV.

In the limited third POV, the narrator functions more as a camera following the MC.

If you want a deeper POV where the narrator focuses more on the MC, please use Deep POV.

Y'know, third-person limited isn't limited to function strictly like a neutral “camera.” It very well can carry the character’s voice in the narration. I'd say it's pretty common, especially in closer or deeper third person. The narrator isn’t a separate entity in those cases; it’s filtered through the character’s perspective.

So, I think the legit issue isn't even the POV choice, but the consistency. If narration starts including phrasing or information that the character wouldn’t naturally think in that moment, then yeah, it's def slipping toward omniscient or becomes over-explanatory. But that’s an execution problem, not something inherent to third-person limited itself. No need to oversimplify it by saying it should just be written like a camera or switched to first person.

 

[GreenStudio]

Just a wee bit of advice btw. The narration should feel like the character. Y'know, voice, tone and phrasing? Things that would reflect Akuma. Narration and character are not the same, at least not really. It's more of a filter. In close third person, the narrator can summarize, compress thoughts or choose what to show.

Akuma can't do that himself.

Which is why right now, your story is giving 'MC explaining himself through the narrator' vibes. Instead of 'We are experiencing peak Akuma in real time caught in 4k HD'.



Want me to critique this specifically? Alright. (I know you didn't ask but I feel like doing it anyway) It's generic, low effort emotionally and very surface level. I got nothing from reading it. All this tells me is that he has eyes and he can register emotions while also being able to present emotions. It doesn't tell me the exact what and why. What he thinks about it and why it matters.

“cold and disgusted” is labeling, not characterization.

The narrator is just saying 'this is what he feels because I say so'
But as a reader, I don't experience it.

Lazily, I'd reframe it as something like:



There's a difference between emotional tension and emotional absence.

Hope that helps~

Thank you, man. This is some critique I can get behind.

 

[Makimaam]

I would like to add a few more thoughts. I do like the opening with God. It is a stylistic choice and to me, it gives the story character. We immediately understand we are in a fantasy world, so it would be odd to assume that including this is blasphemous.

Secondly, you can absolutely immerse readers in someone’s head using limited third-person. That is not the issue. The problem is that we sometimes head-hop into other characters’ minds. That said, on this second read, I can see that the OP has made a significant improvement in that area, so it is no longer as jarring as the version I reviewed yesterday. Because of that, I do not mind it as much now but here are some examples where the issue persists:

The girl wanted to scream the word rude so badly her teeth ached, but her quieter friend put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head. They didn’t have much choice. Putting their faith in the demon was their only way out of this mess.

Every hair in that alley stood on edge. The group of thugs looked over and saw one of their guys collapsed on the ground. No warning. No movements. Just the sound of his body as it impacted the concrete.

Bomi’s lips curled upright. He had won. He had bested the demon in human skin. The walking calamity of luck.

Or so he thought…

The same foreboding thud from before rang inside Bomi’s eardrums. This time louder. 3x louder. Bomi’seyes widened, the revelation hitting him like a train.

Though this one might be necessary, it demonstrates why it sometimes reads like the POV slips into omniscient.

Bomi's pupils expanded and contracted. Not because of Akuma's strength. It was his eyes. They were dark, bottomless and seemingly alive. Bomi felt as if those eyes were defiling him. He felt that if he stared directly at them for too long, then he'd be left bare.

 

[GreenStudio]

I would like to add a few more thoughts. I do like the opening with God. It is a stylistic choice and to me, it gives the story character. We immediately understand we are in a fantasy world, so it would be odd to assume that including this is blasphemous.

Secondly, you can absolutely immerse readers in someone’s head using limited third-person. That is not the issue. The problem is that we sometimes head-hop into other characters’ minds. That said, on this second read, I can see that the OP has made a significant improvement in that area, so it is no longer as jarring as the version I reviewed yesterday. Because of that, I do not mind it as much now but here are some examples where the issue persists:






Though this one might be necessary, it demonstrates why it sometimes reads like the POV slips into omniscient.

I just made revisions to all of these. I also completely changed the turning point with the gun to make it less cringe and more "interesting."

I'm still learning. I'm always incorporating what I hear. I just end up asking a lot of questions to get the most clarity I can. Sorry if I made anyone angry. Thanks again for helping me out. I'll go to bed tonight knowing I'll be a better author tomorrow.