I've recently made some revision to my story and would like for anyone who hasn't already to check it out.
It's a mystery-driven, supernatural that focuses on characterization and the ideology of heroism. Each hero has their own unique sense of what the word means, but the story currently circles Akuma, the first of the heroes to be gathered.
To clarify, while Akuma is powerful, the story does not focus on fast-paced action, but rather, the meaning behind the conflicts in the first place.
My biggest inspirations include:
-Mushoku Tensei
-Toaru
-Fate
Dude... are you sure you want honest, blunt, and perhaps even brutal feedback?
I don't want to compare you to other writers. But look at people who ask feedback requests (especially new authors in teens) often don't even want to respond to my honest feedback because they're purely seeking validation without caring about the quality of their narrative.
I don't want to compare you to such writers, but I also don't want to write lengthy feedback only to be ignored as if I never existed, and besides, now I'm in a bad mood for the reasons above.
If you're truly ready to receive feedback, then you need to pay attention to the consequences of the quoted statement. If not, just ignore my comment.
Dude... are you sure you want honest, blunt, and perhaps even brutal feedback?
I don't want to compare you to other writers. But look at people who ask feedback requests (especially new authors in teens) often don't even want to respond to my honest feedback because they're purely seeking validation without caring about the quality of their narrative.
I don't want to compare you to such writers, but I also don't want to write lengthy feedback only to be ignored as if I never existed, and besides, now I'm in a bad mood for the reasons above.
If you're truly ready to receive feedback, then you need to pay attention to the consequences of the quoted statement. If not, just ignore my comment.
Dude... are you sure you want honest, blunt, and perhaps even brutal feedback?
I don't want to compare you to other writers. But look at people who ask feedback requests (especially new authors in teens) often don't even want to respond to my honest feedback because they're purely seeking validation without caring about the quality of their narrative.
I don't want to compare you to such writers, but I also don't want to write lengthy feedback only to be ignored as if I never existed, and besides, now I'm in a bad mood for the reasons above.
If you're truly ready to receive feedback, then you need to pay attention to the consequences of the quoted statement. If not, just ignore my comment.
Sorry to hear that. Can’t speak for them, but seriously, if what you send me is honest, constructive criticism, I’ll see what I can do to apply it to my work.
Sorry to hear that. Can’t speak for them, but seriously, if what you send me is honest, constructive criticism, I’ll see what I can do to apply it to my work.
Well, I've read a few of your chapters and I've noticed some issues. But I'm still in a bad mood. I'll write feedback once I'm in a better mood. Sorry for my complaints.
Well, I've read a few of your chapters and I've noticed some issues. But I'm still in a bad mood. I'll write feedback once I'm in a better mood. Sorry for my complaints.
I've recently made some revision to my story and would like for anyone who hasn't already to check it out.
It's a mystery-driven, supernatural that focuses on characterization and the ideology of heroism. Each hero has their own unique sense of what the word means, but the story currently circles Akuma, the first of the heroes to be gathered.
To clarify, while Akuma is powerful, the story does not focus on fast-paced action, but rather, the meaning behind the conflicts in the first place.
My biggest inspirations include:
-Mushoku Tensei
-Toaru
-Fate
Mushoku Tensei, Toaru and Fate? I haven't checked the novel out yet, but it sounds like you just got inspired by whatever is popular rather than stories that personally impacted you. Seriously that's like a pop musician saying that they were inspired by Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande and Madonna.
Which aspects of those three influenced your writing, story and/or characters?
Mushoku Tensei, Toaru and Fate? I haven't checked the novel out yet, but it sounds like you just got inspired by whatever is popular rather than stories that personally impacted you. Seriously that's like a pop musician saying that they were inspired by Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande and Madonna.
Which aspects of those three influenced your writing, story and/or characters?
The way Mushoku shows Rudeus' inability to naturally feel things because of his over the top self-awareness. He constantly overthinks and subtly distances himself. Until his wall slowly fall thanks to those around him. I try to do the same with my mc.
Touma's whole hero aesthetic. He was tossed into a side of the world that he knows nothing about and saves people before giving it any thought. As well as the many links to religion. Similar to Kamachi, I drive the whole "religion" vs "practicality" shtick. My mc is also cursed with good luck. Not to mention that he "doesn't fit in" with the systems of his society due to his unique circumstances.
Toaru happens to be my favorite ln so I could go on and on about the inspirations I got from Kamachi.
Lastly, in my story there are six heroes reincarnated every millennium to save the world. I got that inspiration from servants. Also, the one tasked with gathering the heroes is a Saint, who is blessed with a Constellation (a birthmark on her body, similar to command spells). Of course, they don't command any of the heroes; they serve a different function.
I of course mean this in no disrespect, just answering the question. I'd love if you gave my story a shot.
After reading five chapters, I stopped. Here are my general impressions of your narrative based on my reading experience:
Your story has a fairly interesting idea about a character struggling against his fate, torn between his identity as a demon and his determination to become a hero.
Unfortunately, the execution is still lacking. Your chapters tend to rely heavily on telling, a style that depends on the narrator’s voice to convey imagery and events. This telling-heavy approach creates a cold distance between the reader and the story. The reader is placed merely as a passive listener, not an active interpreter. As a result, the story feels more like a report of events rather than an emotional experience.
Additionally, you do attempt to incorporate a showing (immersive) style in some scenes. However, these moments often lack impact due to poor placement and over-description, which slows the pacing and causes the reader to lose focus.
I even had to reread certain parts multiple times just to understand what the narrator was talking about, because the narration frequently jumps between scenes (for example, suddenly inserting an info dump in the middle of an active scene before returning to it).
Well, here are some analyses of weaknesses in your narrative structure:
First, the use of an omniscient third POV kills tension. I don’t understand why you chose an omniscient third POV. This perspective is more suitable for epic stories that depict vast and grand worldbuilding within a single chapter, rather than character-driven stories. It inherently creates a cold narrative distance between the reader and the character. For example:
When you narrate the opening scene of the MC fighting five thugs, the omniscient narrator allows readers to access detailed information such as the background of the fight, the victim’s condition, the motives of the criminals, and the MC’s intentions.
There is too much unnecessary information dumped in the middle of the scene. As a result, tension fades and mystery disappears. If every piece of information is handed to the reader so easily, they lose engagement. Readers might understand what’s happening, but they won’t feel the tension of the fight.
Instead of using omniscient third POV, you should consider using objective/ limited third POV or first POV to create a more emotional experience while preserving mystery.
For instance, with limited third POV, you can frame the fight scene through the MC’s experience as a “camera lens.” Readers will be invited to actively interpret the scene: Who is the MC? Why are they involved in this fight? Who are these criminals? Why does the MC want to save the victim?
You only need to frame the scene like a cinematic real-time opening and let the reader interpret it. As a result, when all those questions are answered at the end of the fight, readers may feel deeper empathy for your MC as a tragic hero, especially when he is abandoned by the girls who he saved.
Second, the narrator is too directive. Returning to point one, because you use an omniscient POV, your narrator ends up dictating the story instead of letting the scene speak for itself. At the beginning of Chapter 1, the narrator even gives a lecture about human responses to danger: fight or flight.
They say that during the first 20 seconds a human being experiences fight-or-flight, they enter a state of extreme focus where they can only act on instinct. Using that frame of reference, then Akuma Tiryns must’ve blown past that mark a while ago, seeing as he could calmly lament on his shitty life while the tip of a barrel loomed over him.
Akuma Tiryns took a cautious step back, immediately understanding the futility after doing so. The barrel stood a mere six feet away.
“So, demon… What now?”
The delinquent holding the gun raised the question for Akuma. His cheap cigarette danced across his lips with each word, the brand so off-brand it had earned him his nickname—Bomi.
I don’t understand why you opened the story with that kind of exposition. Were you trying to dramatize the fight scene?
The fight scene itself already implies that the MC chooses to fight rather than run. Information like that is often unnecessary. You don’t need to shout “I am fighting” while the character is literally punching thugs. Instead of adding value, the narrator becomes noisy and disrupts the flow of the scene.
Trust your readers. Don’t over-direct them! They are smarter than you think. Often, an author only needs to let the scene speak and allow readers to interpret it.
Third, the opening prologue begins with theological narration. I don’t understand why you used theological narration to open Chapter 1. It does not add value to the opening scene.
On the first day, God created himself.
On the second day, God created the world.
On the third day, God created the concepts that govern the world.
On the fourth day, God divided the world into nine realms.
On the fifth day, God filled the world with man.
On the sixth day, God was killed by his own creation.
You may not realize this, but theological content (even in fiction) can be sensitive, as it is often associated with real-world religion. Your narration is potentially provocative, especially when it mentions that God was killed by His own creation.
This carries a high risk of triggering reader resistance. Some readers might immediately stop reading the moment they see the word “God” used carelessly.
If this theological element does not add meaningful value to your story, it’s better to remove it. If it is important as part of the lore, then at least disguise it. Avoid using the word “God.” Instead, use fictional naming.
For example, Tolkien used the name Eru Ilúvatar as the creator of Middle-Earth. You can adopt a similar approach to handle theological elements more safely and avoid reader resistance.
Also, theological lore should be delivered gradually. You can turn it into a mystery and reveal it step by step alongside the MC’s journey. After all, Chapter 1 usually functions as a hook to make readers care about the MC. If information does not support that hook, it should not be included.
Fourth, emotions are sometimes expressed too bluntly. Because the narration relies too heavily on the narrator’s voice, character emotions are often stated directly (e.g., “hesitant,” “disgusted,” etc). While this is an efficient way to convey feelings, it is also the easiest way to make your characters feel flat. Readers may understand the character’s emotions, but they won’t feel them.
As a result, readers may struggle to connect with the MC. Instead of telling emotions directly, you can convey them more subtly through sensory details, body language, physiological reactions, actions, dialogue/monologue, and atmosphere. Let readers interpret the emotions during active scenes. This will create a stronger emotional connection. For example, consider this narration (Chapter 3):
Akuma slammed the booth table with a desperate determination.
“Hey you, please tell me this thing is actually limited… That wasn’t a scam you made up to entice customers, right…?”
She gave an expression that might as well have said, “yep, sure as hell is.”
“Fuuuuuuuck!!!! What kind of shitty luck is this?! Dammit, dammit, dammit! I should’ve known. It was too good to be true, dammit!”
This narration uses the word “desperate” to describe the MC’s frustration at being deceived by a seller, combined with expository dialogue that explains the MC’s frustration. You can present the emotion more subtly like this:
Akuma slammed the stall table, silver coins clinking across its surface from the impact. “Don’t lie… old woman!” His voice rose.
The woman stood up, covering her mouth as a faint sound escaped through her fingers. She lowered her hand, her lips curling into a grin.
“You’re quite clever, handsome customer.”
Akuma straightened, turning his face away. “Tch! Cheap trick!”
Fifth, the environment is treated merely as a backdrop. Your narration lacks environmental texture. I find it difficult to visualize the setting while active scenes are taking place. You often begin scenes with the character before establishing the environment. As a result, I have to work harder to imagine the scene in my head.
Your writing is prone to falling into the “white room syndrome,” where characters seem to float in a void rather than exist within a living world.
Try starting scenes by describing the environment around the character: Narrate the streets, the space, the air, the objects… the living space the character inhabits. That way, readers can immediately enter the world of the story without having to guess where the character is.
Also, note that the environment is not just a backdrop. It often defines the atmosphere of the story. For example:
Blood, fallen knights, shattered swords scattered across a barren land under harsh sunlight instantly create a brutal and tragic battlefield atmosphere.
Dew, springs, grass, and blooming roses in a valley evoke a peaceful setting.
Rotten trash, dim lighting, and sewer rats instantly suggest a grim alleyway.
By integrating atmosphere into your scenes, the story will feel more alive in the reader’s imagination.
Sixth, character positioning is unclear / lacks spatial context. I find it difficult to imagine the relative positions of characters because your narration lacks or delays spatial cues about where characters are standing within a scene.
You need to provide spatial guidance: Where is the MC standing? Where are the other characters? What does the MC see? Who is behind the MC? And so on.
In action scenes, relative positioning is crucial for visualizing how the fight unfolds. Readers won’t feel like attacks come out of nowhere if they already understand where each character is positioned. They can better follow the flow of action and reaction when spatial relationships are clearly mapped.
As an additional note, I’ve included some practical tips for narrating action scenes as follows:
Here are some practical tips for writing action scenes (especially battles):
First, describe the chaotic environment as the atmosphere at the beginning of the narrative. You can describe dust, blood, corpses, sunlight, or any object to depict the tension of the battle. The goal is to draw the reader's imagination directly into the tense battle scene.
Second, map your characters' positions in space and time (3D). Where is the protagonist on the battlefield? Where are the relative positions of the MC's comrades standing around him on the battlefield? Where will the enemy attack?
Narrate the spatial map so that readers can picture the battle scene spatially in their imagination. So, each attack can be identified from a direction without feeling like it suddenly appears.
This pattern will make it easier for readers to understand how the battle unfolds intensively. For example:
An enemy slashes (action). The MC blocks with his sword (reaction). The sound of metal clanking (effect). You can simply vary the pattern to make the scene more lively.
Fourth, focus on the impact of the fight and use choreography sparingly. Don't focus too much on the fighting movements.
You don't need to describe every attack in detail, as that will actually lose the tension, distracting the reader than the intensity of the fight itself.
Fights are more thrilling if you focus more on the impact and the stakes. It's more thrilling to read about a protagonist being slashed and bleeding, struggling to hold his sword, than to narrate 100 beautiful sword moves.
Fifth, note every wound; each wound should have a real impact on the character. If the protagonist is slashed in the left shoulder, he will have difficulty lifting his sword with his left hand. Ignoring this point creates a plot hole, an inconsistency in the world's internal logic.
Finally, I've included the chapters on the fight scenes for reference:
Seventh, character introduction relies on name labels. A name is just an empty label without meaning if it lacks emotional resonance. What gives a name meaning is the character’s identity and personality.
If you introduce a character by name first, readers are more likely to forget them because the name alone rarely leaves an impression.
Before introducing a character’s name, you should establish their identity and personality first. Build a mental image of the character as a complete individual: their appearance, distinctive physical traits, personality, and communication style. After that, introducing their name will carry emotional weight.
Also note that character introduction can be done through active description during action scenes. Avoid static descriptions that slow pacing, such as:
The angel’s body resembled that of a 10 year old child. Its size was punctuated by the tattered prisoner's onesie it wore. The white and blue striped fabric was damaged by what looked like repeated beatings. A singular heavy, metal shackle was cuffed around the entity's left wrist—the kind that reeked of labor and violent struggles.
Eighth, the MC’s thoughts are conveyed through the narrator’s voice. Narrating a character’s thoughts through the narrator can make characterization feel flat, as if the character is merely a plot device rather than a living person.
Instead of using the narrator to explain what the MC is thinking, you can express their thoughts through dialogue/monologue and their reactions to other characters and the environment. For example, instead of narrating the MC’s thoughts like this (Chapter 4):
Akuma couldn’t believe it, but she had no doubt just sniffed him. Like a dog or something. This random girl had just approached him and sniffed his face. She didn’t even look ashamed of it either.
“Don’t come closer!” Akuma extended his palm forward.
But she leaned in, sniffing his face until their eyes met. His face flushed. Akuma quickly stepped back three paces onto the sidewalk and hugged himself.
With this kind of narration, your character will feel more expressive and alive as an individual.
Eighth, info dumping during active scenes. Your narration frequently inserts info dumps in the middle of active scenes. I understand that you’re trying to provide instant context so readers can “understand” what’s happening.
For example, in Chapter 1, when the MC gets into a fight with thugs, you insert an info dump explaining the MC’s routine and how he happened to pass through the alley and get involved in rescuing middle school girls.
It was supposed to be an average Thursday. Akuma Tiryns would wake up inside his lonely apartment, go to school like every other teenager, diligently do all his work, and head back home first thing after dismissal to watch some anime. Or better yet, catch up on that collection of manga that had been collecting dust on his shelf for weeks now. That was the plan. That was always the plan.
But like always, a certain someone couldn’t help but meddle in his life.
Bomi and four other delinquents had cornered a pair of middle school girls in the back of an alley, demanding “protection money.” That’s when Akuma so happened to make his unfortunate entrance.
As a result, pacing slows, flow is disrupted, and tension drops. Instead of inserting info dumps, you can embed that context as subtext within dialogue. For example:
A thug pointed a gun at him. “That girl belongs to us. Get lost!” he shouted.
“P-please…” a trembling feminine voice came from behind him.
Akuma spread his arm. “Get lost?” his noise snorted, his eyes sharpening. “You’re ruining my routine… b*stard!”
By inserting the word “routine,” the narration subtly implies that the MC was going about his daily routine before the fight.
Ninth, dialogue is too stiff and expository. Dialogue in your story often serves to deliver exposition about characters, worldbuilding, and plot, rather than portraying natural interactions between characters within a situation.
For example, consider this narration (Chapter 1):
“You’ve come all the way here to the Ghost District to play hero but look where that got you,” said Bomi, smoke curling from his grin. “A shame really. My guys wouldn’t stop going on about ya. ‘The demon in human skin’… You know what? I think if things had turned out differently, who knows, I might’ve asked ya to join my gang.”
This villain’s dialogue delivers excessive exposition, including plot (MC’s conflict with a gang), identity (MC is a demon), and worldbuilding (implying the district is crime-ridden). It feels more like the author explaining the story to the reader than an organic conversation between villain and hero.
Organic dialogue should reflect interaction within the current situation. It would be more natural for the thug to threaten the MC rather than “lecture” him.
You need to write more natural, organic dialogue that reflects real interactions. Try putting yourself in the characters’ position: What would they actually say in that moment?
Tenth, the narration is overly dramatized (melodramatic). The narration sometimes exaggerates drama to convey tension instead of letting the scene speak for itself. It feels like the story is forcing readers to sympathize with the MC rather than letting them experience what the MC feels. That’s melodrama. For example, consider this narration (Chapter 4):
Akuma ran, and ran, and ran. Even as the noise of the festival got so distant that he could barely hear it, Akuma kept running. Until the judgment of eyes were few in numbers. Until that number had diminished entirely. Until his throat burned with a metallic sensation. Until finally, his legs stopped.
He was standing in the middle of a field of fresh green. With the cut grass and faint sweetness of the flower beds lining the walkway, the wind carried a much cleaner air compared to the festival plaza and Ghost District. It was almost jarring to the senses. The single concrete walkway in the middle of the field was decorated only by a few benches placed every 30 or so feet from one another. Benches that happened to be mostly empty. He was certain the few people remaining hadn’t seen his face.
It was a small mercy by the world. Had he ran any more than this, he would’ve probably passed out. Not that he was physically exhausted.
You over-dramatize the escape scene by repeating the “until…” + condition pattern three times just to heighten tension. Instead of sympathizing, attentive readers may raise an eyebrow.
Try simplifying the scene and narrating it more naturally. Often, natural scenes create a stronger emotional impact than overly dramatized ones. For example:
Akuma ran down the street, leaving behind the crowd that sneered at him. He dropped to his knees in the middle of a grassy field. His breath came in ragged gasps as he bit his lower lip. “Damn it!”
In short, your narrative has structural weaknesses in its telling style, relying too heavily on the narrator’s voice to dictate scenes. If you want your story to feel more alive in the reader’s imagination, you need to minimize the narrator’s presence, let scenes speak for themselves, and allow readers to interpret them.
After reading five chapters, I stopped. Here are my general impressions of your narrative based on my reading experience:
Your story has a fairly interesting idea about a character struggling against his fate, torn between his identity as a demon and his determination to become a hero.
Unfortunately, the execution is still lacking. Your chapters tend to rely heavily on telling, a style that depends on the narrator’s voice to convey imagery and events. This telling-heavy approach creates a cold distance between the reader and the story. The reader is placed merely as a passive listener, not an active interpreter. As a result, the story feels more like a report of events rather than an emotional experience.
Additionally, you do attempt to incorporate a showing (immersive) style in some scenes. However, these moments often lack impact due to poor placement and over-description, which slows the pacing and causes the reader to lose focus.
I even had to reread certain parts multiple times just to understand what the narrator was talking about, because the narration frequently jumps between scenes (for example, suddenly inserting an info dump in the middle of an active scene before returning to it).
Well, here are some analyses of weaknesses in your narrative structure:
First, the use of an omniscient third POV kills tension. I don’t understand why you chose an omniscient third POV. This perspective is more suitable for epic stories that depict vast and grand worldbuilding within a single chapter, rather than character-driven stories. It inherently creates a cold narrative distance between the reader and the character. For example:
When you narrate the opening scene of the MC fighting five thugs, the omniscient narrator allows readers to access detailed information such as the background of the fight, the victim’s condition, the motives of the criminals, and the MC’s intentions.
There is too much unnecessary information dumped in the middle of the scene. As a result, tension fades and mystery disappears. If every piece of information is handed to the reader so easily, they lose engagement. Readers might understand what’s happening, but they won’t feel the tension of the fight.
Instead of using omniscient third POV, you should consider using objective/ limited third POV or first POV to create a more emotional experience while preserving mystery.
For instance, with limited third POV, you can frame the fight scene through the MC’s experience as a “camera lens.” Readers will be invited to actively interpret the scene: Who is the MC? Why are they involved in this fight? Who are these criminals? Why does the MC want to save the victim?
You only need to frame the scene like a cinematic real-time opening and let the reader interpret it. As a result, when all those questions are answered at the end of the fight, readers may feel deeper empathy for your MC as a tragic hero, especially when he is abandoned by the girls who he saved.
Second, the narrator is too directive. Returning to point one, because you use an omniscient POV, your narrator ends up dictating the story instead of letting the scene speak for itself. At the beginning of Chapter 1, the narrator even gives a lecture about human responses to danger: fight or flight.
I don’t understand why you opened the story with that kind of exposition. Were you trying to dramatize the fight scene?
The fight scene itself already implies that the MC chooses to fight rather than run. Information like that is often unnecessary. You don’t need to shout “I am fighting” while the character is literally punching thugs. Instead of adding value, the narrator becomes noisy and disrupts the flow of the scene.
Trust your readers. Don’t over-direct them! They are smarter than you think. Often, an author only needs to let the scene speak and allow readers to interpret it.
Third, the opening prologue begins with theological narration. I don’t understand why you used theological narration to open Chapter 1. It does not add value to the opening scene.
You may not realize this, but theological content (even in fiction) can be sensitive, as it is often associated with real-world religion. Your narration is potentially provocative, especially when it mentions that God was killed by His own creation.
This carries a high risk of triggering reader resistance. Some readers might immediately stop reading the moment they see the word “God” used carelessly.
If this theological element does not add meaningful value to your story, it’s better to remove it. If it is important as part of the lore, then at least disguise it. Avoid using the word “God.” Instead, use fictional naming.
For example, Tolkien used the name Eru Ilúvatar as the creator of Middle-Earth. You can adopt a similar approach to handle theological elements more safely and avoid reader resistance.
Also, theological lore should be delivered gradually. You can turn it into a mystery and reveal it step by step alongside the MC’s journey. After all, Chapter 1 usually functions as a hook to make readers care about the MC. If information does not support that hook, it should not be included.
Fourth, emotions are sometimes expressed too bluntly. Because the narration relies too heavily on the narrator’s voice, character emotions are often stated directly (e.g., “hesitant,” “disgusted,” etc). While this is an efficient way to convey feelings, it is also the easiest way to make your characters feel flat. Readers may understand the character’s emotions, but they won’t feel them.
As a result, readers may struggle to connect with the MC. Instead of telling emotions directly, you can convey them more subtly through sensory details, body language, physiological reactions, actions, dialogue/monologue, and atmosphere. Let readers interpret the emotions during active scenes. This will create a stronger emotional connection. For example, consider this narration (Chapter 3):
This narration uses the word “desperate” to describe the MC’s frustration at being deceived by a seller, combined with expository dialogue that explains the MC’s frustration. You can present the emotion more subtly like this:
Fifth, the environment is treated merely as a backdrop. Your narration lacks environmental texture. I find it difficult to visualize the setting while active scenes are taking place. You often begin scenes with the character before establishing the environment. As a result, I have to work harder to imagine the scene in my head.
Your writing is prone to falling into the “white room syndrome,” where characters seem to float in a void rather than exist within a living world.
Try starting scenes by describing the environment around the character: Narrate the streets, the space, the air, the objects… the living space the character inhabits. That way, readers can immediately enter the world of the story without having to guess where the character is.
Also, note that the environment is not just a backdrop. It often defines the atmosphere of the story. For example:
Blood, fallen knights, shattered swords scattered across a barren land under harsh sunlight instantly create a brutal and tragic battlefield atmosphere.
Dew, springs, grass, and blooming roses in a valley evoke a peaceful setting.
Rotten trash, dim lighting, and sewer rats instantly suggest a grim alleyway.
By integrating atmosphere into your scenes, the story will feel more alive in the reader’s imagination.
Sixth, character positioning is unclear / lacks spatial context. I find it difficult to imagine the relative positions of characters because your narration lacks or delays spatial cues about where characters are standing within a scene.
You need to provide spatial guidance: Where is the MC standing? Where are the other characters? What does the MC see? Who is behind the MC? And so on.
In action scenes, relative positioning is crucial for visualizing how the fight unfolds. Readers won’t feel like attacks come out of nowhere if they already understand where each character is positioned. They can better follow the flow of action and reaction when spatial relationships are clearly mapped.
As an additional note, I’ve included some practical tips for narrating action scenes as follows:
Here are some practical tips for writing action scenes (especially battles):
First, describe the chaotic environment as the atmosphere at the beginning of the narrative. You can describe dust, blood, corpses, sunlight, or any object to depict the tension of the battle. The goal is to draw the reader's imagination directly into the tense battle scene.
Second, map your characters' positions in space and time (3D). Where is the protagonist on the battlefield? Where are the relative positions of the MC's comrades standing around him on the battlefield? Where will the enemy attack?
Narrate the spatial map so that readers can picture the battle scene spatially in their imagination. So, each attack can be identified from a direction without feeling like it suddenly appears.
Third, use the battle pattern:
This pattern will make it easier for readers to understand how the battle unfolds intensively. For example:
An enemy slashes (action). The MC blocks with his sword (reaction). The sound of metal clanking (effect). You can simply vary the pattern to make the scene more lively.
Fourth, focus on the impact of the fight and use choreography sparingly. Don't focus too much on the fighting movements.
You don't need to describe every attack in detail, as that will actually lose the tension, distracting the reader than the intensity of the fight itself.
Fights are more thrilling if you focus more on the impact and the stakes. It's more thrilling to read about a protagonist being slashed and bleeding, struggling to hold his sword, than to narrate 100 beautiful sword moves.
Fifth, note every wound; each wound should have a real impact on the character. If the protagonist is slashed in the left shoulder, he will have difficulty lifting his sword with his left hand. Ignoring this point creates a plot hole, an inconsistency in the world's internal logic.
Finally, I've included the chapters on the fight scenes for reference:
Seventh, character introduction relies on name labels. A name is just an empty label without meaning if it lacks emotional resonance. What gives a name meaning is the character’s identity and personality.
If you introduce a character by name first, readers are more likely to forget them because the name alone rarely leaves an impression.
Before introducing a character’s name, you should establish their identity and personality first. Build a mental image of the character as a complete individual: their appearance, distinctive physical traits, personality, and communication style. After that, introducing their name will carry emotional weight.
Also note that character introduction can be done through active description during action scenes. Avoid static descriptions that slow pacing, such as:
Eighth, the MC’s thoughts are conveyed through the narrator’s voice. Narrating a character’s thoughts through the narrator can make characterization feel flat, as if the character is merely a plot device rather than a living person.
Instead of using the narrator to explain what the MC is thinking, you can express their thoughts through dialogue/monologue and their reactions to other characters and the environment. For example, instead of narrating the MC’s thoughts like this (Chapter 4):
You could present it like this:
With this kind of narration, your character will feel more expressive and alive as an individual.
Eighth, info dumping during active scenes. Your narration frequently inserts info dumps in the middle of active scenes. I understand that you’re trying to provide instant context so readers can “understand” what’s happening.
For example, in Chapter 1, when the MC gets into a fight with thugs, you insert an info dump explaining the MC’s routine and how he happened to pass through the alley and get involved in rescuing middle school girls.
As a result, pacing slows, flow is disrupted, and tension drops. Instead of inserting info dumps, you can embed that context as subtext within dialogue. For example:
By inserting the word “routine,” the narration subtly implies that the MC was going about his daily routine before the fight.
Ninth, dialogue is too stiff and expository. Dialogue in your story often serves to deliver exposition about characters, worldbuilding, and plot, rather than portraying natural interactions between characters within a situation.
For example, consider this narration (Chapter 1):
This villain’s dialogue delivers excessive exposition, including plot (MC’s conflict with a gang), identity (MC is a demon), and worldbuilding (implying the district is crime-ridden). It feels more like the author explaining the story to the reader than an organic conversation between villain and hero.
Organic dialogue should reflect interaction within the current situation. It would be more natural for the thug to threaten the MC rather than “lecture” him.
You need to write more natural, organic dialogue that reflects real interactions. Try putting yourself in the characters’ position: What would they actually say in that moment?
Tenth, the narration is overly dramatized (melodramatic). The narration sometimes exaggerates drama to convey tension instead of letting the scene speak for itself. It feels like the story is forcing readers to sympathize with the MC rather than letting them experience what the MC feels. That’s melodrama. For example, consider this narration (Chapter 4):
You over-dramatize the escape scene by repeating the “until…” + condition pattern three times just to heighten tension. Instead of sympathizing, attentive readers may raise an eyebrow.
Try simplifying the scene and narrating it more naturally. Often, natural scenes create a stronger emotional impact than overly dramatized ones. For example:
In short, your narrative has structural weaknesses in its telling style, relying too heavily on the narrator’s voice to dictate scenes. If you want your story to feel more alive in the reader’s imagination, you need to minimize the narrator’s presence, let scenes speak for themselves, and allow readers to interpret them.
Thank you for this, greatly. I really do appreciate you taking the time to go through my story and share your thoughts like this. You've given me tons of ideas already.
Ignore Eldoria projecting her hurt feelings onto random strangers like yourself.
And ignore Bim being a retard.
Well, since someone has decided they like to only focus on how immersive something is, I'll focus on everything else so you can have two halves of a whole feedback. Whether you care or not is up to you. I also don't care, so that works out.
I just like bullying people while still being remotely helpful at the same time. You're welcome.
~
Alright, I read the first two chapters. I'm getting the vibes that you got something decent in the making but you're being a bit of tryhard.
Why? I'm glad you asked. I'll explain. A lot.
Theme I managed to figure out:
Forced hero by an angel the MC hates that's punished if he doesn't save people. Seen as a demon despite helping others (hey we something in common!) and it's tied to past disaster. Very pog, I can dig that. We love decent thematics in this chrisitan minecraft server.
“Doing good doesn’t make you seen as good.”
Keep it up with that antihero burnout!
Only problem:
Overload
Your character off the rip needs to chill out. He's a sarcastic, effortlessly stronger than anyone else little shithead. And I say that fondly. But he's always composed and always seems to have the last word.
Also, for the love of god please don't use the most generic, overused action movie type shit. I actually cringed when I read him 'catching a bullet with his teeth'. First thing I think about is the prominent scenes from the movies Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls & that one Austin Powers movie and Watchmen. I did laugh after cringing though, so if you intended comedy, it worked.
On that note, having a character that is peceived to be rule-breaking invincible can easily break tension, which it did for me. I also have inattentive ADHD that makes it hard to read sometimes, but that's beside the point.
Overwritten prose and writing style needs improvement:
“squeezed down on the trigger with the force of a guillotine”
The jump between this mystical narration, edgy 2cool4school sarcasm and then philosophical commentary isn't blending well for me. It's like trying to make a smoothie out of water, potatoes and oranges. I wouldn't want to drink that for too long unless something else is added to dilute the fucking potatoes. Like strawberries or something.
Fight scenes need work:
Now, I'm no expert, but it's kind of boring to see 'guy drops with no explanation, bullet caught with no buildup, enemies gone with no choreography whatsoever'.
It's giving 'we're skipping from first date to married 10 years with 5 kids' vibes.
Overall:
You got something potentially nice here, you don't need to waterboard it into being amazing and awesome and cool. Far as I'm concerned, Akuma just wants to be left the fuck alone. That's highly relatable and understanble. He's forced to help and yadda yadda, that's all good, but you overshadow that just a little too much with sarcasm, dominance and the overall spectacle about it.
I like the angel though, in that I want to punch them in the face. So good job.
Mostly, why did you assume the Pov was omniscient? It is a limited. Even in the intro, the narrator is constantly speaking in Akuma's voice.
I'm also hesitant on your advice for the dialogue. You completely changed Akuma's character to be more expressive. I also find your suggestions to be somewhat generic. But in reality, he's not able to express those feelings around others. That's why he speaks more as a narrator. He's the type who observes first, acts later.
Ignore Eldoria projecting her hurt feelings onto random strangers like yourself.
And ignore Bim being a retard.
Well, since someone has decided they like to only focus on how immersive something is, I'll focus on everything else so you can have two halves of a whole feedback. Whether you care or not is up to you. I also don't care, so that works out.
I just like bullying people while still being remotely helpful at the same time. You're welcome.
~
Alright, I read the first two chapters. I'm getting the vibes that you got something decent in the making but you're being a bit of tryhard.
Why? I'm glad you asked. I'll explain. A lot.
Theme I managed to figure out:
Forced hero by an angel the MC hates that's punished if he doesn't save people. Seen as a demon despite helping others (hey we something in common!) and it's tied to past disaster. Very pog, I can dig that. We love decent thematics in this chrisitan minecraft server.
“Doing good doesn’t make you seen as good.”
Keep it up with that antihero burnout!
Only problem:
Overload
Your character off the rip needs to chill out. He's a sarcastic, effortlessly stronger than anyone else little shithead. And I say that fondly. But he's always composed and always seems to have the last word.
Also, for the love of god please don't use the most generic, overused action movie type shit. I actually cringed when I read him 'catching a bullet with his teeth'. First thing I think about is the prominent scenes from the movies Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls & that one Austin Powers movie and Watchmen. I did laugh after cringing though, so if you intended comedy, it worked.
On that note, having a character that is peceived to be rule-breaking invincible can easily break tension, which it did for me. I also have inattentive ADHD that makes it hard to read sometimes, but that's beside the point.
Overwritten prose and writing style needs improvement:
Hello? 911, I'm suffering from density fatigue of trying too hard.
If you stack up a lot of sentences like this where they're 'too much', it'll prompt people (like me) to just want to skim. (I did)
Trim unnecessary commas.
Tone inconsistency:
The jump between this mystical narration, edgy 2cool4school sarcasm and then philosophical commentary isn't blending well for me. It's like trying to make a smoothie out of water, potatoes and oranges. I wouldn't want to drink that for too long unless something else is added to dilute the fucking potatoes. Like strawberries or something.
Fight scenes need work:
Now, I'm no expert, but it's kind of boring to see 'guy drops with no explanation, bullet caught with no buildup, enemies gone with no choreography whatsoever'.
It's giving 'we're skipping from first date to married 10 years with 5 kids' vibes.
Overall:
You got something potentially nice here, you don't need to waterboard it into being amazing and awesome and cool. Far as I'm concerned, Akuma just wants to be left the fuck alone, that's highly relatable and understanble. He's forced to help and yadda yadda, that's all good, but you overshadow that just a little too much with sarcasm, dominance and the overall spectacle about it.
I like the angel though, in that I want to punch them in the face. So good job.
Take what I say with a grain of salt at least.
I already skimmed and read a couple before, and put it down. I am known to do that if the diction isn't hyper-elegant, but in this case, my choice was a bit more on the lack of emotional connection with the characters early on. The vibe I pegged had to do with a thug-like MC taking on other thugs, which I don't mind. I thought that initial premise could work ~ still do think so. But there is an issue with the total execution of the moments.
What is the MC trying to accomplish? What is their resolve? What is their personality they've assumed to match that resolve? And what kind of world are they living in to excuse behaviors that others might not deem excusable? All of these questions need to be thought of and answered early on, not by directly providing the info in paragraphs, but reflected in a combination of dialogue (spoken or self-reflected), and non-passive transitions of events.
I want to really be able to feel what this world is like, through the action and scenery. I want to be able to understand what the character is trying to accomplish (even if it be nothing more than satisfying personal bordeum - as such can be covered later). I didn't pick much of this up when I read it the first time. Total immersion is the focal goal, if you ask me.
Mostly, why did you assume the Pov was omniscient? It is a limited. Even in the intro, the narrator is constantly speaking in Akuma's voice.
I'm also hesitant on your advice for the dialogue. You completely changed Akuma's character to be more expressive. I also find your suggestions to be somewhat generic. But in reality, he's not able to express those feelings around others. That's why he speaks more as a narrator. He's the type who observes first, acts later.
Thank you for this.
Is it alright if I ask for some clarity on some things here too?
Also, if a plot is good, total immersion isn't fully necessary so don't worry about it so much.
Some people just like to read something good, not pretend they've put on a VR headset into someone's story.
Take what I say with a grain of salt at least.
I already skimmed and read a couple before, and put it down. I am known to do that if the diction isn't hyper-elegant, but in this case, my choice was a bit more on the lack of emotional connection with the characters early on. The vibe I pegged had to do with a thug-like MC taking on other thugs, which I don't mind. I thought that initial premise could work ~ still do think so. But there is an issue with the total execution of the moments.
What is the MC trying to accomplish? What is their resolve? What is their personality they've assumed to match that resolve? And what kind of world are they living in to excuse behaviors that others might not deem excusable? All of these questions need to be thought of and answered early on, not by directly providing the info in paragraphs, but reflected in a combination of dialogue (spoken or self-reflected), and non-passive transitions of events.
I want to really be able to feel what this world is like, through the action and scenery. I want to be able to understand what the character is trying to accomplish (even if it be nothing more than satisfying personal bordeum - as such can be covered later). I didn't pick much of this up when I read it the first time. Total immersion is the focal goal, if you ask me.
When you insert Akuma's routine info dump in the middle of the action, it causes a shift in POV from a limited third POV to an omniscient POV because the narrator can switch from past events to the present in a single narrative.
In an omniscient POV, the narrator is like a god in the story, not bound by the constraints of time and space. He can move to various locations, times, and knows the thoughts, feelings, identities of the characters, and all information.
This is different from a limited third POV where the narrator functions more as a camera that follows the MC.
