Would love some feedback on my story

[Krawallsternchen]

Hi there!
I only started writing in English for the first time in ... ever. So I'd love some feedback from you more natives :)
I do not use any AI and started writing in English as a creative outlet (challenging myself to not write in my native langue)
I do not expect you to read all 3,5 chapters, but some flow and/or grammar advice would be super appreciated.

For some pointers
- sci-fi
- fantasy/adventure
- female lead
- apocalypse

Beneath a Broken Dawn

The sky fractures at dawn. Rivers run backward. Reality is coming undone. Alara wakes in a world of ancient magitech and broken kingdoms with no memory of who she is—only the unsettling truth that crystal spires and rune-driven machines respond to her touch. As anomalies spread and the world...

www.scribblehub.com

Would love the feedback
krawallsternchen

 

[Bayleyrockstar]

Hi there!
I only started writing in English for the first time in ... ever. So I'd love some feedback from you more natives :)
I do not use any AI and started writing in English as a creative outlet (challenging myself to not write in my native langue)
I do not expect you to read all 3,5 chapters, but some flow and/or grammar advice would be super appreciated.

For some pointers
- sci-fi
- fantasy/adventure
- female lead
- apocalypse

Beneath a Broken Dawn

The sky fractures at dawn. Rivers run backward. Reality is coming undone. Alara wakes in a world of ancient magitech and broken kingdoms with no memory of who she is—only the unsettling truth that crystal spires and rune-driven machines respond to her touch. As anomalies spread and the world...

www.scribblehub.com

Would love the feedback
krawallsternchen

I'm currently at work. But I'll read and give feedback to the chapters later. Right now, I'll give some insight into the synopsis. Which is already great, but we can make it better.

It's clear it's not machine, so that's great. Between the first three sentences and Alara, I'd suggest starting a new paragraph at her name. This gives more gravitas, more emphasis, on your first words.

I can give more, but that's really the only major improvement. The rest would be more stylistic choices that may drown out your voice if I suggest them.

 

[Makimaam]

I do not use any AI and started writing in English as a creative outlet

Hmmm.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Hi there!
I only started writing in English for the first time in ... ever. So I'd love some feedback from you more natives :)
I do not use any AI and started writing in English as a creative outlet (challenging myself to not write in my native langue)
I do not expect you to read all 3,5 chapters, but some flow and/or grammar advice would be super appreciated.

For some pointers
- sci-fi
- fantasy/adventure
- female lead
- apocalypse

Beneath a Broken Dawn

The sky fractures at dawn. Rivers run backward. Reality is coming undone. Alara wakes in a world of ancient magitech and broken kingdoms with no memory of who she is—only the unsettling truth that crystal spires and rune-driven machines respond to her touch. As anomalies spread and the world...

www.scribblehub.com

Would love the feedback
krawallsternchen

Aye, a fellow German.
I might actually look at it later. Good look with your endeavors.
Have a cookie.

 

[Eldoria]

grammar advice would be super appreciated.

Oh... I'm not a linguist. I'll skip this.

 

[Krawallsternchen]

I'm currently at work. But I'll read and give feedback to the chapters later. Right now, I'll give some insight into the synopsis. Which is already great, but we can make it better.

It's clear it's not machine, so that's great. Between the first three sentences and Alara, I'd suggest starting a new paragraph at her name. This gives more gravitas, more emphasis, on your first words.

I can give more, but that's really the only major improvement. The rest would be more stylistic choices that may drown out your voice if I suggest them.

Oh thank you so much.

I'll implement that first advice. I mean that's exactly what I'm looking for. Some small advice and all :)
Thank you again for giving me your time!

krawallsternchen

Hmmm.

Oh I know it's such a cliché thing to say these days and it's awful it almost became a marketing tool to use (no AI blah blah). Sadly I work in an industry that's being destroyed by a rampant over- and misuse of AI, so it's my small, little rebellion to put it in here ;)

If you do not believe me, fair point :)
I do write rather static, as my English knowledge is from school and movies/games, so I guess it might sound extremely AI-y
So, no hard feelings there ♥

Aye, a fellow German.
I might actually look at it later. Good look with your endeavors.
Have a cookie.

Aye zurück!
I guess my name is a dead giveaway, huh :D

Thanks for the cookie, I gladly except ;)

Thanks already in advance if you find the time. No rush tho, and no obligation ♥

Oh... I'm not a linguist. I'll skip this.

I respect that :D

 

[TheKillingAlice]

Aye zurück!
I guess my name is a dead giveaway, huh :D

Thanks for the cookie, I gladly except ;)

Thanks already in advance if you find the time. No rush tho, and no obligation ♥

Yeah, kinda.

And I already looked into the prologue. I will check the other two chapters as soon as I managed to scavenge some food.

 

[Lufli]

As a non-native speaker, how do you handle the writing itself? Do you think in German and translate it into English, or do you automatically think in English?
I might give your story a shot, but sci-fi isn't really my cup of tea. Also, I'm not a native speaker myself.

 

[Rosica]

As a non-native speaker, how do you handle the writing itself? Do you think in German and translate it into English, or do you automatically think in English?
I might give your story a shot, but sci-fi isn't really my cup of tea. Also, I'm not a native speaker myself.

You install Tesla's neuralink brain chip to automatically translate your thoughts to English.

 

[Lufli]

You install Tesla's neuralink brain chip to automatically translate your thoughts to English.

Where do I get these?

 

[Rosica]

Where do I get these?

https://neuralink.com/trials/

 

[Lufli]

https://neuralink.com/trials/

Damn.

 

[Krawallsternchen]

As a non-native speaker, how do you handle the writing itself? Do you think in German and translate it into English, or do you automatically think in English?
I might give your story a shot, but sci-fi isn't really my cup of tea. Also, I'm not a native speaker myself.

I passed the neurolink ;)
But in all seriousness, I speak some English in my private life already, so some of my thinking is already English-coded?
Mostly I have a sentence in German on my mind and type it out, then I come back and translate it. Therefore some of my sentence might have a slight German-tone to it. But it depends on my mood and energy, sometimes I write them out in English and finetune them when I later realize that the sentence could be a little more elegant.