Low attention span reviews and ratings [Open]

[Makimaam]

Reopening this because I’m bored, but I want to stress one thing: if you think you can fool me with your llm generated story, think again. Polish it until I can’t tell the difference. That is all.

 

[Bane89]

Since you're bored I'd love feedback on my story.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Bimbanana]

Me!

 

[Nevafrost]

Here goes my unpublished novel

Spoiler: Chapter:1

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What"s happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling.

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That"s normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don"t you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It"s not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That"s spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It"s interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
...

 

[Ararara]

Not requesting a review, just thanking u for the community service. The feedback you're giving here is pure gold, and a joy to read!

 

[Talon88.1]

First off, thank you for the offer to critique :D
Always looking for feedback and ways to improve.

Shadows in the Sand (Warhammer 40k)

He came from the sand and the silence, carrying yesterday's ghosts. On Morrak II — a forgotten world choked by dust storms and old war-wounds — survival is a daily negotiation with hunger, rust, and the whims of machine-priests who no longer understand their own relics. Elissa Brandt has kept...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

Me!

Do you want me to review you? Because I see no links. And don’t ask a brain-rot low-attention-span mobile user like me to look for it.

Not requesting a review, just thanking u for the community service. The feedback you're giving here is pure gold, and a joy to read!

Ah thank you!

 

[Bimbanana]

Sorry...

Here you go..

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1903686/building-world-peace-with-my-bloodthirsty-demon-army/

 

[Queerious]

I'll get in line for this, seems fun!

If You Can Hear This, Stop Listening

Nessa Holloway knew that something was wrong in her life, but she just couldn't place it. Something felt distinctly different, even if nothing had changed. She could feel it. One night, as Nessa was closing up at her job, she heard a disembodied voice, as if through the radio. 'If...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

Since you're bored I'd love feedback on my story.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

You tried, you really did, but it wasn’t enough for me. The abstractness of the description was constant, consistent, persistent. It lacks human nuance as if your MC were a bot describing the scene. She lacks personality, flat, despite being written in first POV.

Here are examples of what I dislike:

The clang of metal on metal rings through the haze, sharp and constant, nearly drowning the cries of pain and shouted commands.

Yes, from the very first paragraph. Wait, there’s more.

His jaw is set in quiet resolve.

Nope. It means nothing. Describes nothing. Tells everything awkwardly.

Bright white fills my vision.
Then breath.
I gasp, lungs aching, eyes wide as I regain my bearings.

I nod, my heart still racing, the world just beginning to settle.

Settle?

There are many, many more, but I don’t want to quote an entire chapter, nor am I patient enough to read the rest. You get the gist. I can overlook a few generic phrases per chapter, but when an entire chapter is full of them, instant drop.

 

[Makimaam]

Sorry...

Here you go..

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1903686/building-world-peace-with-my-bloodthirsty-demon-army/

Hmm.



Let me start with what I dislike, quoted below:

White.

Everything was white and glowing, with a thin mist drifting lazily in every direction. No walls. No floor. No ceiling. Just endless white.

Yes. First paragraph. You hit me with a stock description.

Which immediately gave him the creeping suspicion that this place looked suspiciously like either heaven or an Apple Store.

Then you redeemed yourself and I forgave you.

Considering he was an Android user, he figured the first option seemed far more likely.

Or he was in hell and they punished him by trapping him in an Apple Store. Please. Amp up the critical thinking (kidding, issajoke).

Being sued by a Japanese pet owner, after all, was far more expensive.

“Eh?”

The man and the driver locked eyes for one surreal fraction of a second.

Then—

---

“THAT FUCKING TRUCK-KUN!!”

I love this. You subverted my expectations nicely. Kudos to you.

The light slowly faded.

His jaw dropped.

She was gorgeous.

Unreasonably gorgeous.

The kind of gorgeous that once convinced a Japanese man to legally marry a 2D character—except this time, she was very much 3D.

Not a fan of this. One staccato sentence after another. The joke is fine, the phrasing isn’t.

A man in his thirties. Mild beer belly. Receding hairline. Not ugly. Not handsome. Just… average. Painfully average. The kind of average that could be improved with effort—effort that required money.

More staccato. This is the kind of phrasing that could be improved with effort—effort that requires minimal effort. What was I saying… anyway. I know you know what I think you know.

Solo stared.

His expression twisted into something between confusion and betrayal.

We are in his POV, why do you even need this generic phrasing? Just say straight out that he felt confused and betrayed.



Anyway.


Do I like it? Yes and no.

I like the intent and the humor, though at times it went a bit too far but I can overlook that. The plot, the concept subverted my expectations nicely, which made me forgive the prose issues I mentioned earlier. The chapter ran a little long, and I lost focus after the MC turned into an “oink oink” orc. I like him and his personality. I also like the goddess and her performative gimmick, she was actually my favorite part of this opening. You have a great sense of humor and your story is fun to read.

What drags the story is the prose. It’s uneven in places and predictable in many, many others with an over reliance of short sentences. You prioritize humor over prose but why? You can do both. The pacing in the middle started to drag and I lost focus, so I stopped soon after.

My suggestion: replace generic phrasing with something less generic. Avoid constant reliance on all caps BECAUSE I DONT LIKE IT WHEN A WRITER SCREAMS AT ME.

Is it an enjoyable story? Yes, it is.
Do I give it five stars?

Hmm

I need more convincing.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

I'm guessing I will line up to be destroyed.
Please look at this one, kind Ma'am.
I thank you very much for the work you put in.

The Crazy Daughter of the Duke’s Family

[First Season currently in revision; in preparation for Season 2 / as of March 29th, 2026] All She Wanted, Was to live - Death Gave Her a Second Chance Celia had fought creatures called 'Visitors' for as long as she could remember. Together with Pan, a Visitor of Special Grade himself, her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Bane89]

You tried, you really did, but it wasn’t enough for me. The abstractness of the description was constant, consistent, persistent. It lacks human nuance as if your MC were a bot describing the scene. She lacks personality, flat, despite being written in first POV.

Here are examples of what I dislike:



Yes, from the very first paragraph. Wait, there’s more.



Nope. It means nothing. Describes nothing. Tells everything awkwardly.




Settle?

There are many, many more, but I don’t want to quote an entire chapter, nor am I patient enough to read the rest. You get the gist. I can overlook a few generic phrases per chapter, but when an entire chapter is full of them, instant drop.

Hello, thanks for taking the time to look it over and give feedback even if it wasn't your cup of tea.

 

[Bimbanana]

Is it an enjoyable story? Yes, it is.
Do I give it five stars?

Hmm

I need more convincing.

Yeay, thank you for the reading and the feedback. I hope i can convince you more.

*quietly slip $20 under the table

 

[AricThorne]

Hi! If you have some time, please take a look at this. It's a grimdark Slavic fantasy, so I was aiming for a The Boys meets The Witcher kind of vibe. Any feedback is much appreciated

Pyre of the Blind Gods

Nayden's fingers slipped on his slashed side, blood leaking between them. 'This is only... a test,' the boy rasped, staring at the ash-choked sky. 'The Light will...' The Whisperer stepped back, avoiding the sticky red cobblestones. 'The puddle beneath you has a different opinion,' he noted...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Makimaam]

Here goes my unpublished novel

Spoiler: Chapter:1

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

"What"s happening?"

Iris woke up with a start, sweating. The skin around where her pendant was touching burned. Another weird dream, she thought to herself. But soon she shook it off and went to wash up. It was a long day ahead.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

"We are visiting Raczil to look at what the war has left behind."

"I see you are interested in war, my dear," King Franks said, his reddish eyes sparkling.

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Elina mocked her, "No need to be so polite, Late Queen. We know your makeup takes more time than your breakfast."

"That"s normal though." They kept bickering.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

"Don"t you think they will find out?"asked Harlin, slightly frowning.

"Well, we gotta risk it, girl. We just have to act well enough for them not to find out," said Elina, slowing down to match her pace.

"It"s not just acting though. If Mr. Rupert tells Mrs. Eleejah, we are doomed. We have to make sure our plan works out," Aylin said, looking kind of worried.

"Iris?"Aylin said as she pulled Iris by her arm, "Is there anything on your mind?"

"Yes, you have been really silent," Elina mocked her.

"Actually, yes. I had this weird dream this morning and I can"t just forget what happened."

"Haven’t you been having way too many nightmares lately?" Aylin looked worried.

"Did I tell you it was a nightmare?"

"I can tell," she smiled warmly, "now, tell us what you dreamt about."

"It felt as if I had seen that dream before. Or, more like, I was there myself. It felt very tangible."

"Was it the same thing you saw last time?"

"Nope. Last time, I couldn’t exactly remember what I saw; it was vague. But it was really clear this time. I saw that some people were being burnt in the city plaza. The crowd was chanting insults at them. And everything was covered in black mist. I felt as if I were present in that dream."

"That"s spooky. Maybe you should consult the psychologist," Harlin suggested.

"Hey, I'm not going insane. I don’t need a psychologist."

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom. Wind blew in through the floor to ceiling windows and the chirping of birds filled the air with a nice vibe.

There were not many students as usual. Well, it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others. They attend special magic classes meant only for them. They learn how to hone their basic magic skills; for example, they learn to talk to birds, how to fly, and how to teleport. But all of them have a long way to go before they can become experts like their parents.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

"Yes, I have. It was so good. I loved the details about the war. It"s interesting."

"I knew you would love it," Alison warmly smiled at her.

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Harlin grinned as she sat at her desk, "Even though I wouldn’t mind if he admires me, personally my standard is way too high." Elina rolled her eyes. Irees continued her chatter with Alison as Ayleen sat between Elina and Harlin.

"Will you two stop your dogfighting?"Aylin said, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Oh, mother! Please forgive us for such brusqueness. We shall never disappoint you again." Elina said, mockingly pleading to Aylin. Aylin pursed her lips.

"I'm not your mother."

"But you sure don"t let me feel the absence of my mother." Harlin burst out laughing. But just then Mr. Rupert entered the classroom.

"Okay, everyone, sit down. Mr. Alison, why are you standing at Ms. Iris"s desk?"

Alison hurried away.

"So, today we are going to learn about the history of the fall of the wizard kingdom."

...

Later that afternoon,

"We should pack for tomorrow," Harlin said taking a sip from the golden trimmed pink tea cup.

"What are you gonna pack? Makeup kit?" Elina asked as she munched on her apple pie, Cathyon sitting on her lap as she played with her brown hair.

"You know the answer, Eli. By the way, aren’t you gonna pack some food for you?"

"Oh, thanks for the reminder! I gotta ask Brandy for some snacks to carry."

Iris was there reading a book called 'War and Runes', too intent on reading to notice the bickering.

Aylin sat there quietly sipping tea and adoring the beauty of her favourite flowers— violet, iris and whatnot. The western wind was tender against her pale skin. The cool bridge carried the smell of flowers into the tea pavilion.

"Ris, what are you readjng?" Harlin asked.

"Oh, it's the book that Alison gave me," Iris said. Elina rolled her eyes.

"Didn’t you say you are done reading this book?" Aylin asked.

"I lied," Iris replied in don't-give-a-damn way. "But I gotta read this in case he asks me about the contents inside this book."

"Why do you lie about being interested in war? You don't like brutality, Ris."

"Eh, I'm the crown princess. I have to handle wars and stuffs in the future even if I don't like it. Better practise from now."

"And, why do you keep being friendly with that general-boy? I don’t like the way he acts around you. He kinda creeps me out," Elina said devoured another piece of pie.

"You will know, Eli, when the time comes," answered Aylin in Iris's stead.

"Wait- is there something I don't know?" Elina said urging forward.
...

There’s a lot to work on, I’ll be frank with you. But I’ll give you a bit more detailed feedback than I normally do because I can see you genuinely want to improve.

Fire. Screams.

"You shall perish in the deepest of hells!"

"These rat-bloods!"

"Disgrace to the magical society!"

Black mist. Everything went blank for some time.

First of all, what’s the purpose of this? It’s too short and gives too little information to be a meaningful premonition dream. You need more sensory detail than just “Fire. Scream.” to start off, and you need to tease more about what’s coming than this vague dialogue.

Iris went to the dining hall in her regular corset to find everyone except for Harlin, who was obviously busy doing her makeup.

Iris sat down beside Elina and nudged her with her elbow.

"I will ask Mother and Father now, okay?" Eli nodded. Aylin looked at Iris from the other side of the dining table in a meaningful way and nodded.

"Mother, Father, are you aware that we are going on an expedition tomorrow?"Iris said. Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows.

"I think not. Where are you going?"

In a few sentences, you name dropped Harlin (sometimes Harleen), Elina (sometimes Eleena), and Aylin without telling me who they are. Also, since Iris is a princess, start off by calling her Princess Iris.

There needs to be separate lines for the queen’s dialogue, like this:

Queen Eleeza slightly frowned her eyebrows. "I think not. Where are you going?"

"I'm so proud of you." Iris nodded and smiled. Harlin had entered the dining hall by then. She looked frantically at the others and bowed deeply, "I apologize for delaying my arrival."

Did Iris say that or the Queen?
Secondly, Harley’s entrance and dialogue need to be in a separate paragraph.
Each character’s line and action should start a new paragraph.

“That’s,” not “That”s.”
“Don’t,” not “Don”t,” etc.
“Late Queen” actually means a deceased queen, which I don’t think was your intention. It would also be rude to say that in front of the actual queen.

After breakfast,

All four of them were walking down the hall towards their classroom.

This is awkward. Besides, so far there has been no single description of anything, not the scene, the hallways, the dining hall or the characters themselves. I don’t know what Iris looks like. I don’t even know what kind of setting this is.

They arrived at their classroom. They walked into the classroom.

Duplicate.

it was normal because, of course, the princesses of four of the most powerful kingdoms wouldn’t sit in the same classroom as others.

Why would four princesses live together? You need to expand the lore a bit before getting to this part. In fact, I would have preferred this to appear earlier, when you introduced them. I suspect Iris’s kingdom is home to a prestigious magic academy of some sort but as of now, without the background, it feels odd.

"Hey, Irees. Have you read that book yet?"asked Alison walking up to them.

Who is Irees?

This:

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue." Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?" Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Should be this:

Eleena rolled her eyes, "There he goes again with his sweet tongue."

Who is “he” btw? Is Alison a guy? It’s traditionally a girl’s name.

Harleen smirked, "Or are you jealous that he doesn’t use that sweet tongue while speaking to you?"

Elina cursed at her, "I would rather have a dog lick me in the face than be jealous of him. Ew,"she crinkled her nose, "I guess you should work a little harder on your makeup though."

Overall: the chapter contains too many disjointed scenes that don’t serve much purpose or push the plot forward. Too many characters are introduced, and Alison’s introduction feels pointless. The conversations and dialogue need more charm.

The expository part about the princesses’ magical powers could be shown rather than told, for example when the princesses casually use their powers for mundane tasks. Grammar and spelling mistakes are quite glaring.

The ending isn’t really an ending. There’s no hook, no sensory detail, no description. Why should we care about Iris or the other three princesses? We need more of her personality. Right now, everything feels muted. The banter is sometimes okay, but there are too many characters—names—to keep track of.

This first chapter needs a lot of editing and polishing. Ask yourself: what do I want to achieve with this scene? Is it to move the plot, establish characters and relationships? You did hint at their relationships, but it’s not fully effective yet. Finish the first draft, add a hook, then edit the chapter.

 

[Nevafrost]

There’s a lot to work on, I’ll be frank with you. But I’ll give you a bit more detailed feedback than I normally do because I can see you genuinely want to improve.


First of all, what’s the purpose of this? It’s too short and gives too little information to be a meaningful premonition dream. You need more sensory detail than just “Fire. Scream.” to start off, and you need to tease more about what’s coming than this vague dialogue.


In a few sentences, you name dropped Harlin (sometimes Harleen), Elina (sometimes Eleena), and Aylin without telling me who they are. Also, since Iris is a princess, start off by calling her Princess Iris.

There needs to be separate lines for the queen’s dialogue, like this:


Did Iris say that or the Queen?
Secondly, Harley’s entrance and dialogue need to be in a separate paragraph.
Each character’s line and action should start a new paragraph.

“That’s,” not “That”s.”
“Don’t,” not “Don”t,” etc.
“Late Queen” actually means a deceased queen, which I don’t think was your intention. It would also be rude to say that in front of the actual queen.


This is awkward. Besides, so far there has been no single description of anything, not the scene, the hallways, the dining hall or the characters themselves. I don’t know what Iris looks like. I don’t even know what kind of setting this is.


Duplicate.


Why would four princesses live together? You need to expand the lore a bit before getting to this part. In fact, I would have preferred this to appear earlier, when you introduced them. I suspect Iris’s kingdom is home to a prestigious magic academy of some sort but as of now, without the background, it feels odd.


Who is Irees?

This:

Should be this:

Who is “he” btw? Is Alison a guy? It’s traditionally a girl’s name.




Overall: the chapter contains too many disjointed scenes that don’t serve much purpose or push the plot forward. Too many characters are introduced, and Alison’s introduction feels pointless. The conversations and dialogue need more charm.

The expository part about the princesses’ magical powers could be shown rather than told, for example when the princesses casually use their powers for mundane tasks. Grammar and spelling mistakes are quite glaring.

The ending isn’t really an ending. There’s no hook, no sensory detail, no description. Why should we care about Iris or the other three princesses? We need more of her personality. Right now, everything feels muted. The banter is sometimes okay, but there are too many characters—names—to keep track of.

This first chapter needs a lot of editing and polishing. Ask yourself: what do I want to achieve with this scene? Is it to move the plot, establish characters and relationships? You did hint at their relationships, but it’s not fully effective yet. Finish the first draft, add a hook, then edit the chapter.

First of all, thanks for the detailed feedback!
A lot of other people had also told me that my chapter has so many grammatical mistakes. Yes, English isn't my first language so I decided to use Grammarly to correct my errors. I guess I can't rely on that app anymore.
Also, I'm kind of in a dilemma. I don’t know if I should use "Irees" or "Iris". But I will change the names before posting on any platform.
And, yeah, the first chapter is lacking contexts. Thanks for pointing that out.
And, that (" ") mistake was partly my fault. I used Grammarly to correct my grammatical mistakes. Blud changed all the (" ") to (' '). So, I went to ellipsus and changed them to (" ") lol.
Again, thanks! I'll try to improve as much as I can!

 

[Eldoria]

Hello, thanks for taking the time to look it over and give feedback even if it wasn't your cup of tea

Dude/sis... I'll be honest with you. It's not about taste, it's about how you visualize the scene from the first POV.

As a reader, I have a hard time visualizing your scene. It focuses more on the narrator's internal thoughts. As a result, the description of the environment is blurry.

I even have a hard time visualizing the relative positions of the mother and father with the protagonist while sitting in the horse-drawn carriage.

You need to provide more spatial context, clearer spatial cues. Furthermore, you need to give texture to the environment.

Don't leave the reader fumbling around with the character's environment; have your protagonist interact with it. Make the environment a 'side character' that influences the character, not just an aesthetic backdrop.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Yeay, thank you for the reading and the feedback. I hope i can convince you more.
*quietly slip $20 under the table

this must be a demonic sense of humor? Yet I find it to be devilish.