I'm reaching the climax of the first arc of my first story! It has gotten some likes, and even one comment!
Dude, I'm sorry. One comment you mention is a scammer who praises you and then offers a hidden scheme. If you encounter comments like that, please just report them. They are evil people who use flattery to trap innocent people.
However I've yet to get a review for it, I wonder if anyone would be interested in reading it and leaving a review! Give me feedback what it needs to improve and what you liked about it. It's fantasy, so if you like the genre maybe you'll like it!
Well, I've read 3 of your chapters in full (plus fourth chapter by skimming) as a casual reader who just skipped through and read once to gauge immersion.
My quick impression is that your chapters are full of heavy-telling with excessive exposition through the narrator.
Honestly, I would praise casual readers who can finish your first chapter. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to finish chapter 1. Why?
Because chapter 1 is a dense info dump that is a
nightmare for any casual reader with a limited attention span. Some suggestions I offer:
(1) Don't give the info dump at the beginning of chapter 1 (the prologue). Save the lore information about the long history of war and the formation of the elite families and their alliances. You can tell this lore gradually in the following chapters when the reader already feels connected to the MC.
(2) Build chapter 1 as a prologue with a strong hook. Your fiction focuses on a single character (Cassian). Narrate emotional scenes that make the reader care about the MC.
I've only read up to chapter 4. So I'm not sure what the appeal of your MC is. However, from the synopsis and chapters I've read, it seems like the MC is more like a rich kid but incompetent and feels lonely because people expect a lot from him as the heir of the family but the MC feels inferior.
If so, then use this premise as a gateway for readers to get to know the MC. You can narrate a scene where people praise the MC, but when he is alone, he feels frustrated, vulnerable and blames himself. That way, readers can see the human side of MC.
You can think of another prologue that is more emotional and relatable to the readers. The point is, make readers care about your MC.
(3) Your chapter is full of excessive exposition. You often provide unnecessary and excessive explanations related to the characters, worldbuilding and plot.
For example, you explain the relationship between character X who is related to the MC even though the current plot does not present character X in the scene. Or another example, you explain 1 long paragraph just to explain the details of the room.
This is bad practice. The pacing of the story becomes very slow. The reader's focus is disturbed. The solution?
Don't provide excessive explanations. Provide information that is relevant to the current plot. Readers need a story that moves forward and dynamic. Not a static explanation of this and that.
(4) What POV are you using? From the chapters I've read, your POV is closer to the omniscient third POV. This is evident from the narrator who tries to explain everything.
But I see that you might prefer a story that is centered on the MC. Therefore, a limited third POV should make more sense.
If you want to use a limited third POV, then you have to be more strict in constructing the narrative. You must not explain anything that the MC doesn't understand or hasn't experienced. You can only narrate the plot based on the MC's subjective experience.
Think more carefully about the use of POV because POV is the reader's lens to enter the story.
(5) Re-learn the principle of "Show it, don't tell it".
Avoid narratives that explain raw emotions such as he is sad, he is hurt, he is anxious, etc.
Show emotions through body language, dialogue, action, atmosphere and tension.
Use a variety of sensors such as visual, audio, taste, smell, touch, physiological and mental state in narrating the action, dialogue, atmosphere and tension.
It's difficult, but I hope you learn to apply it slowly to build an immersive narrative that makes readers feel like they're living in your story.
(6) Additional: Your synopsis is more like a summary of a character's journey than a synopsis that has an emotional hook that makes readers care.
Write a synopsis that makes readers care about your story. You can use the MC as an entry point to make readers care by narrating an emotional bond that is relatable to the reader. You can use the following synopsis formula:
MC identity (which is relatable with readers) + main conflict + stakes (especially personal and emotional) + threat/challenge.
Lastly, if you ask me what I like about your fiction, I will say I like character development fiction with sweet characters. I like Cassian's relationship with Sabrina which is quite sweet, reminding me of childhood stories.
I hope it helps (or maybe not).
Regards.
Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I am only conveying my honest impressions as a casual reader.
You can consider my feedback or not, because you are an author.
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