Which paragraph reads better?

[Deleted member 93348]

I'm afraid you may not find much context behind these two paragraphs, but I'd really love to know which of them flows best for the average reader.

Here’s the initial paragraph:

The fur-clad man landed before the charging dwellbeast, the ground cracking beneath his feet. He clamped its snout shut by the sides, and with just a few more veins tensing up on his hands, his unlucky foe yelped bloody murder. But at that point, the dwellbeast had its jaws locked in place, its conical teeth chipping off one by one.

Here's the one I revised just minutes ago:

The fur-clad man landed before the charging dwellbeast, and the ground cracked under his feet. He clamped its snout shut by the sides, and only a few veins in his hands were strained before his foe yelped bloody murder. But at that point, the dwellbeast had its jaws locked in place, missing a quarter of its conical teeth already.

I want y’all to know that if the initial paragraph looks too wonky to read, that means I gotta edit a ton of other ones. Let’s just say that my problem of writing too much action in a sentence is still intact.

 

[FaustVoncleave]

I personally think the first one reads better. It feels more visceral. A few small changes I'd suggest is I think you could remove "Just" and "up", so it reads "and with a few more veins tensing on his hands, his unlucky foe yelped bloody murder." Maybe change "yelp" to "scream" and "hands" to "arms", but that's more of a preference thing, it's fine as is.

 

[AuntieMaysLittleCousin]

I'd say the first reads better too. Though I'm not too fond of overly explaining every little detail in a fight...

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Welp, I guess my “problem” was yet another one of my paranoias, lmao. Really appreciate the feedback, btw. Thank you so much.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

The first is better. You added some passive language to the second one.