"Syetoria Archive - Begin and End 1 - The Cosmos" (Have I gone too far?)

[LilTV1155]

"Syetoria Archive - Begin and End 1 - The Cosmos"

Have I gone too far or off track?

 

[T.K._Paradox]

You haven't gone off track... if you're trying to write a paper on quantum physics.

 

[owotrucked]

A spectroscope is a tool to analyze the spectral component of something. If it zooms on the thing itself rather than reveal hidden properties in some reciprocal space, the more accurate term is microscope.

Preons are spaced by 4 milimeter and many times tinier than a speck of atom. But a preon is composed of ion cloud? But ions are atomic elements that have a lack or surplus of electron compared to the number of proton. That means your preons must be bigger than atoms.

Radioactive energy should refer to emissions from decay, but there are a lot of different emissions. It can be as large as alpha particles. So again, it implies that your preons are big fat balls.

You should rename preons as polpetta to avoid inaccurate use of scientific terms.

 

[Zirrboy]

A spectroscope is a tool to analyze the spectral component of something. If it zooms on the thing itself rather than reveal hidden properties in some reciprocal space, the more accurate term is microscope.

Preons are spaced by 4 milimeter and many times tinier than a speck of atom. But a preon is composed of ion cloud? But ions are atomic elements that have a lack or surplus of electron compared to the number of proton. That means your preons must be bigger than atoms.

Radioactive energy should refer to emissions from decay, but there are a lot of different emissions. It can be as large as alpha particles. So again, it implies that your preons are big fat balls.

You should rename preons as polpetta to avoid inaccurate use of scientific terms.

I think that the Dorime-style soundalike with no actual meaning is intentional.

I doubt that anyone would take this differently. Though in doubt a disclaimer could be used.

 

[owotrucked]

I think that the Dorime-style soundalike with no actual meaning is intentional.

I doubt that anyone would take this differently. Though in doubt a disclaimer could be used.

Story doesn't use soundalike, it uses real terms. That's why I recommend renaming stuffs.

Why would an author purposely switch the direction of East and West in his wordbuilding? Just change East to Fist and West to Wet or something.

Rename preons to polpette, or I riot.

 

[LilTV1155]

Story doesn't use soundalike, it uses real terms. That's why I recommend renaming stuffs.

Why would an author purposely switch the direction of East and West in his wordbuilding? Just change East to Fist and West to Wet or something.

Rename preons to polpette, or I riot.

Then riot.
I will not call those Preons "meatballs" because they were already recognized by other scientists as theorized "point-like particles" that make up everything. Unless you come up with a better name that fit this particles. And "nano" or "atom" don't count during that phase.
.
I have to admit that I will need to fix the naming for "Ion Cloud / Ionizing" stuff, however if you read closely. The Cloud is just a zone like an Electron Cloud. where electrons only move around in recognized motion patterns And it's not made of ions, but work to convert the raw substance into something else by charging it. Unless you have a better name than "Ion," I would like to hear it.
.
As for radiation energy, it can't be treated as unlimited force that has no size to begin with, can it?

Dorime-style soundalike

Dorime-style?

I doubt that anyone would take this differently. Though in doubt a disclaimer could be used.

Why is a disclaimer necessary?

 

[LostLibrarian]

Honestly, to me it is in a weird state between fun fictional and actual science. You use terms and descriptions from real science, but due to inconsistencies, my brain just sees it as plain wrong. I honestly would agree with the suggestion to not use terms people might know for different stuff. Especially without a deeper explanation.

On the other hand, for a more fun and entertaining "fictional science" it is way too long. I smiled at some parts, but there were also times where I had to force myself to continue... It's "too serious" for my fun-brain, but serious reading with attention makes me question the text and the used descriptions.


It's not that bad in theory, it just feels ... inconsistent. As if you mixed a few different texts into one and forgot to add transitions.
And so, it feels broken, without a clear central atmosphere/theme to it...

 

[owotrucked]

You can stretch the usage of words like calling a dog 'a friendly cat' for lack of better term if you want. I'm giving you material for thought to answer your question:

>Have I gone too far or off track?

You need to realize that you're butchering a lot of scientific terms (out of their established definition) and giving made-up properties to energy, so it's mega cringe lol

 

[Zirrboy]

Dorime-style?

Ameno by ERA, a song that sounds like it could be religious and in a language of latin origin, but according to it's creators was simply made to be phonetically pleasing.

Why is a disclaimer necessary?

>in doubt
On the off chance that someone takes it at face value.

I will not call those Preons "meatballs" because they were already recognized by other scientists as theorized "point-like particles" that make up everything.

Because something 4 millimeters apart from it's neighbor has some difficulties "making up everything"? You could work around this by making up convoluted interference laws that allow them to simulate what is usually referred to as an atom in empty space, but by then, the notion of an atom would probably disappear from science at high levels.

I'm not against you calling it that for fun, but claiming that it's a fitting name is wrong imo.

 

[LilTV1155]

Okay, give me a day to change the entire chapter then.

A spectroscope is a tool to analyze the spectral component of something. If it zooms on the thing itself rather than reveal hidden properties in some reciprocal space, the more accurate term is microscope.

Nanatomicron Spectroscope -> Nanerg Microscope
Better?

You need to realize that you're butchering a lot of scientific terms (out of their established definition) and giving made-up properties to energy, so it's mega cringe lol

Aside from Preon and Ion Cloud, I need a list.

Ameno by ERA, a song that sounds like it could be religious and in a language of latin origin, but according to it's creators was simply made to be phonetically pleasing.


>in doubt
On the off chance that someone takes it at face value.


Because something 4 millimeters apart from it's neighbor has some difficulties "making up everything"? You could work around this by making up convoluted interference laws that allow them to simulate what is usually referred to as an atom in empty space, but by then, the notion of an atom would probably disappear from science at high levels.

I'm not against you calling it that for fun, but claiming that it's a fitting name is wrong imo.

Would it be beter if I say "evenly spaced gap" instead of millimeters? Can the electromagnetic force field be used to explain the strict spacing or the mimicry of gas particles?

It wasn't really an atom. But a bunch of particles in empty space.
I was going for a story that build up from the tiniest subatomic particles to atoms and to everything else.

Honestly, to me it is in a weird state between fun fictional and actual science. You use terms and descriptions from real science, but due to inconsistencies, my brain just sees it as plain wrong. I honestly would agree with the suggestion to not use terms people might know for different stuff. Especially without a deeper explanation.

On the other hand, for a more fun and entertaining "fictional science" it is way too long. I smiled at some parts, but there were also times where I had to force myself to continue... It's "too serious" for my fun-brain, but serious reading with attention makes me question the text and the used descriptions.


It's not that bad in theory, it just feels ... inconsistent. As if you mixed a few different texts into one and forgot to add transitions.
And so, it feels broken, without a clear central atmosphere/theme to it...

So I need to cut down the science bit. Dult noted. Would 1500 words at maximum suffice?

 

[LostLibrarian]

So I need to cut down the science bit. Dult noted. Would 1500 words at maximum suffice?

It's not about the length, it's about the pacing. You have long passages with a lot of text without any interesting info in it.
There are people who can write 10k words about science and make it sound interesting and entertaining. With this - and honestly, it might just be because I work with that stuff - it feels to me like someone without knowledge trying to badly emulate science. Without wanting to sound rude, I'll give a harsh example: to me, it reads like those love scenes that 14 year olds write when they create their first story. Where everything is completely unrealistic and feels off, because they don't understand the underlying rules...

With your report, there are passages where I felt the same. Someone using "cool sounding words" they had heard or read somewhere without understanding the actual meaning. Which in itself isn't really a problem for some readers, but it pulls me out of the reading experience and destroys the pacing. When I read some made-up science about mecha in a bad CN novel, I have no problem with it, because they don't try to sound realistic. But if you try and fail, it sometimes is even worse...



So before I would just go and cut or something, I would try and ask myself what I would like to achieve.
Is it science? If so, those more comedic parts are off and you should have a look at some actual science papers.
Do you want entertainment or comedy? If so, I would overthink the format and maybe switch it up so that the overall topic is more comedic.
Based on those decision, you can then think what you want to cut and what you want to keep...

 

[Zirrboy]

Would it be beter if I say "evenly spaced gap" instead of millimeters? Can the electromagnetic force field be used to explain the strict spacing or the mimicry of gas particles?

It wasn't really an atom. But a bunch of particles in empty space.
I was going for a story that build up from the tiniest subatomic particles to atoms and to everything else.

Them being much closer together does sound more intuitive. Them not being atoms was clear, but if they made up everything, atoms would have to be part of that, right?

Which gets a bit weird with the compounds (Atoms) being able to fit into the gap between them. The strings as means of giving structure sound plausible to me already.

Turns out you added more since last I read
What you have are generator constructs, not "parts of" something.

But my knowledge about subatomic particle physics is near nonexistent, so if you want some form of certainty, ask LostLibrarian or owotrucked.

 

[LilTV1155]

How about this one?
BAE 1 - Cosmos part 1

 

[greyblob]

I think you're limiting yourself by using text and pictures independently. have you tried making a comic? you'll have much more freedom with text and image placement, font, color, background, etc.

 

[Psycholor]

Would it be beter if I say "evenly spaced gap" instead of millimeters? Can the electromagnetic force field be used to explain the strict spacing or the mimicry of gas particles?

It wasn't really an atom. But a bunch of particles in empty space.
I was going for a story that build up from the tiniest subatomic particles to atoms and to everything else.

Just my two cents, but in this case, yea. Don't use millimeters... at the scale you are describing, a millimeter may as well be literal kilometers. The correct unit for sub-atomic distances is an Angstrom, which is several orders of magnitude smaller than a millimeter.

A millimeter is 0.001 meters. An Angstrom is 0.000,000,000,100 meters...


Edit: Apparently you already removed that. Didn't see your comment about updating it, and just finished reading it myself. I can't compare the new to the old, because I was late to the thread.

From what I just finished reading, it looks pretty good, though as @greyblob says, you may want to consider a more hybrid medium.

 

[LilTV1155]

Just my two cents, but in this case, yea. Don't use millimeters... at the scale you are describing, a millimeter may as well be literal kilometers. The correct unit for sub-atomic distances is an Angstrom, which is several orders of magnitude smaller than a millimeter.

A millimeter is 0.001 meters. An Angstrom is 0.000,000,000,100 meters...


Edit: Apparently you already removed that. Didn't see your comment about updating it, and just finished reading it myself. I can't compare the new to the old, because I was late to the thread.

From what I just finished reading, it looks pretty good, though as @greyblob says, you may want to consider a more hybrid medium.

About the old one. I do have a draft form or at least three different ones, but it got too complicated for everyone due to me throwing all kind of scientific jargons and theories in it etc. And for unknown reasons, the Narrator like to shuffle tones between multiple voices.

So I decided to remove the entire science stuff from the draft and lock that new narrator in place. The new Narrator is meant for cute, well dark humor.
.
@greyblob
Hybrid version with comic? Not sure if people can accept cartoon violence. Ok, I will think about it.