Writing Prose quality check?

[Nihlith]

I like it. I'd just go over it a couple times, add, subtract, reorder etc.. I played with it a little bit. I'm not sure if this is better, but again, that's what I'd do. This looks like the beginning of a scene because its new to me. If that's true,

Aegis looks like the POV character here. It clarifies things a lot when the first thing that happens is the POV character does something. "Aegis somethinged from somewhere, something something." or something. That way we have a character and a setting. Then you can use a line or three to describe the arena.
I'd also say something about Zerra and her opponent. Doesn't need to be much.
I've been listening to prose advice videos on youtube and going over my work once with each pointer they have in mind. Sometimes you want to ignore the advice because its bad. Still, the act of rewriting your sentences, reordering them, adding and subtracting and so on makes it feel more alive, and it makes you more limber.

*****
Aegis watched the fight from above, through the chains that surrounded the arena, hoping he hadn't made the wrong bet.
The metal floor shuddered as Zerra crashed, her opponent looming over her; the cheers died.

Recovered from their shock, the crowd surged, roaring as they clawed at the chains separating them from the match.

“The fight is rigged!”
“Give us our coin back, you houndspawn!”
“You two-faced cowards!”
The chains and shouts fell silent again. A trio of towering fiends stepped into the crowd, their thundering footsteps resounding.

Aegis sized them up. They wore the uniforms of enforcers, the personal bodyguards of the owner who ran the hidden arena.

Murmurs spread through the cursing, spitting crowd. Aegis turned with a sly smile, and walked back to his table.

His chair groaned as he sat.

“One gold and ten silver,” Aegis said as he picked up a piece of meat from his plate.

******

That's not much different than what you wrote, and its just how I revised it without knowing where this came from or where its going.
It's already pretty good. If you want to polish it, I'd go to youtube. Make it shine.

 

[c37]

I like it. I'd just go over it a couple times, add, subtract, reorder etc.. I played with it a little bit. I'm not sure if this is better, but again, that's what I'd do. This looks like the beginning of a scene because its new to me. If that's true,

Aegis looks like the POV character here. It clarifies things a lot when the first thing that happens is the POV character does something. "Aegis somethinged from somewhere, something something." or something. That way we have a character and a setting. Then you can use a line or three to describe the arena.
I'd also say something about Zerra and her opponent. Doesn't need to be much.
I've been listening to prose advice videos on youtube and going over my work once with each pointer they have in mind. Sometimes you want to ignore the advice because its bad. Still, the act of rewriting your sentences, reordering them, adding and subtracting and so on makes it feel more alive, and it makes you more limber.

*****
Aegis watched the fight from above, through the chains that surrounded the arena, hoping he hadn't made the wrong bet.
The metal floor shuddered as Zerra crashed, her opponent looming over her; the cheers died.

Recovered from their shock, the crowd surged, roaring as they clawed at the chains separating them from the match.

“The fight is rigged!”
“Give us our coin back, you houndspawn!”
“You two-faced cowards!”
The chains and shouts fell silent again. A trio of towering fiends stepped into the crowd, their thundering footsteps resounding.

Aegis sized them up. They wore the uniforms of enforcers, the personal bodyguards of the owner who ran the hidden arena.

Murmurs spread through the cursing, spitting crowd. Aegis turned with a sly smile, and walked back to his table.

His chair groaned as he sat.

“One gold and ten silver,” Aegis said as he picked up a piece of meat from his plate.

******

That's not much different than what you wrote, and its just how I revised it without knowing where this came from or where its going.
It's already pretty good. If you want to polish it, I'd go to youtube. Make it shine.

I am more surprised that u replied to a month-old thread.

 

[worldismyne]

Short sentences are good for action scenes.

I wouldn't use "thunder" twice in such a small section. In general there's a focus on sound. Adding some other senses will make the scene feel more real. (Is the metal ground cold or hot, what does the meat taste like, what does the arena smell like). If you want to keep the descriptions light, incorporating the descriptions with actions will help.

For slower paced scenes, you'll want more descriptions on what the characters feel about what's happening around them.

 

[Whypostopher]

The metal floor shuddered as Zerra crashed; the cheers that echoed a moment ago now died down. Silence swallowed the arena for a moment.

Then the roar thundered as the spectators clawed the chains.
...
The chains rattled violently, but the arena fell silent when a few Towering fiends stepped into the crowd.

As their thundering footsteps resounded around, Aegis looked at them.

The enforcers.
personal bodyguards of the owner who runs this hidden arena.

Murmurs spread across the crowd as they cursed and spat. Aegis turned around with a sly smile on his face and walked back to his table.

The wooden chair groaned as he sat on it.

“One gold and ten silver,” Aegis said as he picked up a piece of meat from the plate on his table.

So the good thing about this prose is that you're using strong evocative words: shuddered, crashed, swallowed, thundered, clawed, rattled, thundering, et cetera. Another positive is that it's very clear what's going on. Nothing is confusing or jarring.

I think the key to good prose is tone and emotion. You should ask yourself what the tone of this moment should be, usually it's whatever emotion the main character is feeling, and then rewrite it so it can evoke as much of that tone as possible through word choice and grammar. If the main character is terrified, the tone should be scary, and you should emphasize that feeling of dread and that threat of death with your word choice. If the main character is falling in love, the tone should be amorous, and that should be emphasized not by what's happening, but in how the events happening are written.

So with this excerpt I see a large unruly crowd and they're silenced when the enforcers arrive. We have a lot of emotions going on. If I wanted to punch up the prose I would emphasize the chaos. The crowd should be going crazy with anger. The game is rigged! More sounds, more frenzy, more anger. Make the prose crescendo like they're going to storm the place. Then stop.

The enforcers. That's when the tone shifts. That's when the prose can calm down. But still there should be an edge of fear.

Aegis, however, doesn't care about any of this. The tone with his action should be calm and content.

Right now, with this prose, we have a lot of things happening, and we're describing them happening, but not HOW they're happening. We're not emphasizing the shift in tone from one moment to the next. Tone can be a tricky thing to pin down. But if good prose is what your after, I think this method will really help.

Also, some literary devices could help. Like the moment where the crowd is quiet, you could liken that to another brief silence, like the moment after a flash of lightning, before the thunder booms. They can really help heighten prose.