Please give feedbacks

[Nightmaystay]

So I'm a new writer with little experience. I would really appreciate feedbacks for my first novel.
It's a danmei/BL.

Protagonist travels to primitive time period and helps the tribes get civilized.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1691485/farming-in-the-beast-world/

 

[bumblebeelz]

Since I'm a sucker for stone-age settings, and enjoy danmei, I thought I'd give your first two chapters a read.

You say you're a new writer and this is your first novel, so here are some tips for the future:

• You switch between present and past tense a few times throughout the chapters.
  Present tense: "He looks up."
  Past tense: "He looked up."
  You should pick a tense and stick with it. It's less jarring to the reader that way; people like consistency.
• Since they're proper nouns, names (for both people and the villages) should be capitalized.
  You sometimes write the main character as "lu zhen" when it should be "Lu Zhen." And when Dage's name is revealed to be Tao Ran, you write it as "Tao ran." That last one led to a bit of confusion, 'cause at first I thought the "ran" meant the character took off running.
• In the second chapter, the POV changes to Tao Ran without warning, and it took me a second to realize whose head we were suddenly in.
  When swtiching POV, I personally start a new chapter OR use "***" as a visual break in the middle of a chapter to show the shift.

Example:

Lu Zhen​

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vestibulum enim arcu, iaculis sit amet tellus eu, feugiat congue tellus. Pellentesque eu tortor tempus, tincidunt felis a, aliquam ipsum. Pellentesque dolor elit, fringilla a aliquam nec, finibus nec orci.

***

Tao Ran​

Suspendisse et vestibulum velit. Donec lobortis finibus est rhoncus molestie. Maecenas cursus feugiat urna, vel ultricies justo. Fusce aliquet velit id nisl tincidunt, tristique dapibus magna ultrices.

Overall, I think your story could benefit from some editing. Beyond the things I mentioned above, you've also got some typos and puncutation mistakes. Nothing major; I was still able to follow the story just fine. I found it cute and dropped a follow. I'd love to see where you take it and how you improve as you write more / gain experience!

 

[Nightmaystay]

Since I'm a sucker for stone-age settings, and enjoy danmei, I thought I'd give your first two chapters a read.

You say you're a new writer and this is your first novel, so here are some tips for the future:

• You switch between present and past tense a few times throughout the chapters.
  Present tense: "He looks up."
  Past tense: "He looked up."
  You should pick a tense and stick with it. It's less jarring to the reader that way; people like consistency.
• Since they're proper nouns, names (for both people and the villages) should be capitalized.
  You sometimes write the main character as "lu zhen" when it should be "Lu Zhen." And when Dage's name is revealed to be Tao Ran, you write it as "Tao ran." That last one led to a bit of confusion, 'cause at first I thought the "ran" meant the character took off running.
• In the second chapter, the POV changes to Tao Ran without warning, and it took me a second to realize whose head we were suddenly in.
  When swtiching POV, I personally start a new chapter OR use "***" as a visual break in the middle of a chapter to show the shift.

Example:


Overall, I think your story could benefit from some editing. Beyond the things I mentioned above, you've also got some typos and puncutation mistakes. Nothing major; I was still able to follow the story just fine. I found it cute and dropped a follow. I'd love to see where you take it and how you improve as you write more / gain experience!

Thank you for the valuable review <3