[OPEN 2/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

[Rosica]

And thanks for giving me link thread, I checked and that's really help me

Alhamdulillah, shounen. I'm glad it helped.

Note for everyone here: people make mistakes. Treat our feedback and response to your novels for reference only.

We're not experts. Some of us even have little experiences with the kind of story presented by a few for feedbacks and it showed.

What is said here shouldn't be taken as the one and only truth. Truth have three sides. Your side, my side, and the truth.

Everyone has been civil and respectful, though. I'm surprised. This is one of the few healthiest feedback thread around.

Good job, everyone!

 

[greyblob]

Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it.
Especially about dialogue that's very helpful. I understand how unclear speakers can make the reading experience confusing, and I will pay more attention to making sure the speaker is clearly established before or within the dialogue paragraph.

And about one line prose also I tried to balanced it.

noted

the one line prose was fluctuting. I noticed it more in later chapters so im thinking you fixed this in earlier chapterd

About plot holes you're talking about example about woman who attacked mc in chapter 8, I believe the reason for her attack has already been explained, when mc leave her also he had reason in chapter 8. in chapter 9 mc had question about her also in later chapter specifically in chapter 16 he have a deeper psychological impact about her, cause he meet her again in different situation.

maybe? this is really subjective because i could have misread or just missed ut. you need more eyes to know this for certain.

Some characters appear briefly early on because they will return later with more important roles.
Especially character with name
My intention was to introduce them naturally so they don’t suddenly appear without context. However, I understand that this approach may make some characters feel unclear at first, so I may need to improve how their importance is hinted earlier.
Thanks for pointing this out

i get what you mean but exactly is the mc's drive? he got the system and is playing around with skills, sure. then he's grinding points and unlocking new ones. he's also unlocking 'fear' related skill specificslly. why? just for the love of the game? it'd be nice to see a goal or a reason for his behaviour even if it changes after he makes contact with the organization. at least we know why he's driven in this new world.

the only idea that comes to mymind is he hated being a clown and likes to terrorize children so he's dedicating his new life to this. feels goofy

also on guides, this is one of the smut lady's guides ill post it here so i can reference it later. she had more but these are the most important important

Writing - [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue

Want to Know the Biggest Secret in the Fiction Writing Industry? It's not the Plotting they use, the Characters, the Theme, the Settings, or anything else like that. It's the Sentence Structure. DISCLAIMER: This is how I was taught to structure dialogue for publication purposes -- by my...

www.scribblehubforum.com

Writing - [Tutorial] Plot Devices: Deus Ex Machina, Chekhov's Gun & Foreshadowing

----Original Message---- "What are your thoughts on Good 'Deus Ex Machinas'? I find them hard to pull off realistically in a plot." -- Puzzled Writer Plot Devices: Deus Ex Machina or Chekhov's Gun? A Deus Ex Machina is when the Hero doesn't find the solution to the story's problem. The...

www.scribblehubforum.com

 

[greyblob]

Care to give mine a shot?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

read up to: Chapter 11: The Saint Tasked With Gathering The Six Heroes

hmm hmm. writing quality is decent, the content itself leaves things to be desired. i actually don't dislike the characters as much as i thought i would. I hate shounen and mc is a bit mentally impaired as all shounen mcs are but i grew to dislike him less later on. this also ties to the next point.

I was compeletely unintersted in the story until the girl shows up. there's nothing before. i get youre establishing the universe and the like but its boring as hell and many sections are just repeated. ye mc is a demon and is pathetic and is self-pitying and people hate him. I get the message. I dont have to read it for 10 chapters before we actually get to any sort of story progress.

the other main issue i noticed is that the novel is goofy as hell. you have 30 y/o men holding middle school girls in an alley with a gun and youre calling them delinquents? wtf? they would get life in prison for that shit. i saw a lot of instances like this.

dialogue needs some work. it's awkward and doesnt flow right at times. Id also recommend checking the previous feedback i had similar notes of dialgoue.

thats mostly it. I think youve got a good grasp on story-telling but just need to polish up and have proper hooks and think carefully about the purpose for each paragraph and chapter.

Alhamdulillah, shounen. I'm glad it helped.

Note for everyone here: people make mistakes. Treat our feedback and response to your novels for reference only.

We're not experts. Some of us even have little experiences with the kind of story presented by a few for feedbacks and it showed.

What is said here shouldn't be taken as the one and only truth. Truth have three sides. Your side, my side, and the truth.

Everyone has been civil and respectful, though. I'm surprised. This is one of the few healthiest feedback thread around.

Good job, everyone!

'our feedback'. I dont see you doing any feedback lil pup. I see how it is. ask to be included in the thread, do nothing, claim thread as ours, then you'll claim as your own. classic small hat pattern

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

read up to: Chapter 11: The Saint Tasked With Gathering The Six Heroes

hmm hmm. writing quality is decent, the content itself leaves things to be desired. i actually don't dislike the characters as much as i thought i would. I hate shounen and mc is a bit mentally impaired as all shounen mcs are but i grew to dislike him less later on. this also ties to the next point.

I was compeletely unintersted in the story until the girl shows up. there's nothing before. i get youre establishing the universe and the like but its boring as hell and many sections are just repeated. ye mc is a demon and is pathetic and is self-pitying and people hate him. I get the message. I dont have to read it for 10 chapters before we actually get to any sort of story progress.

the other main issue i noticed is that the novel is goofy as hell. you have 30 y/o men holding middle school girls in an alley with a gun and youre calling them delinquents? wtf? they would get life in prison for that shit. i saw a lot of instances like this.

dialogue needs some work. it's awkward and doesnt flow right at times. Id also recommend checking the previous feedback i had similar notes of dialgoue.

thats mostly it. I think youve got a good grasp on story-telling but just need to polish up and have proper hooks and think carefully about the purpose for each paragraph and chapter.

'our feedback'. I dont see you doing any feedback lil pup. I see how it is. ask to be included in the thread, do nothing, claim thread as ours, then you'll claim as your own. classic small hat pattern

Oh, great wise blob~, when does your blobiness intend to open up the thread again?

 

[greyblob]

Oh, great wise blob~, when does your blobiness intend to open up the thread again?

once am done with the last two i have probably

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

once am done with the last two i have probably

Okies, time to wait then. Thx, for the reply.

 

[GreenStudio]

read up to: Chapter 11: The Saint Tasked With Gathering The Six Heroes

hmm hmm. writing quality is decent, the content itself leaves things to be desired. i actually don't dislike the characters as much as i thought i would. I hate shounen and mc is a bit mentally impaired as all shounen mcs are but i grew to dislike him less later on. this also ties to the next point.

I was compeletely unintersted in the story until the girl shows up. there's nothing before. i get youre establishing the universe and the like but its boring as hell and many sections are just repeated. ye mc is a demon and is pathetic and is self-pitying and people hate him. I get the message. I dont have to read it for 10 chapters before we actually get to any sort of story progress.

the other main issue i noticed is that the novel is goofy as hell. you have 30 y/o men holding middle school girls in an alley with a gun and youre calling them delinquents? wtf? they would get life in prison for that shit. i saw a lot of instances like this.

dialogue needs some work. it's awkward and doesnt flow right at times. Id also recommend checking the previous feedback i had similar notes of dialgoue.

thats mostly it. I think youve got a good grasp on story-telling but just need to polish up and have proper hooks and think carefully about the purpose for each paragraph and chapter.

Yeah, I made some big revisions thanks to this.

A couple of these points (like the 30 y/o thing) gets explained much later in the story, so I don't blame you for seeing them that way. I'm also
glad to know you didn't hate Akuma considering your hate for shounen mcs.

Thanks for checking it out.

 

[Rosica]

I see how it is. ask to be included in the thread, do nothing, claim thread as ours, then you'll claim as your own. classic small hat pattern

Oy vey, stop noticing.

 

[greyblob]

At the time of writing, I see there is an open slot. So, I'll pitch my novel in.

Be unreliable and biased, please.

Heraldry: The Sapphire Among Vines

I Lost My Will to Live—Then This Smelly Catgirl Showed Up and Refused to Let Me Die He went to bed a demigod prince and woke as a brown-haired, brown-eyed child with no magic, no parents, and no kingdom. Herald Angelsigne’s world ended in less than nine hours....

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: Chapter 9.2: The Promise

the most egregious thing in this novel is the cover and your avatar. it has that low-quality ai generated image that screams 2022 and it had me dreading to read this. I was expecting a flashbang of garabge ai generated writing but it never came. and you have nice illustrations in your chapters. youre shooting yourself in the foot with these ai gen images


the writing is alright. Another shonen. quality is fine for a LN. you have some completely unnecessary floating dialogues. refer to my last two reviews here. the characters are decently depicted. they are different from each other and i can pick them apart. they are expressive too which is nice

mc is a child, something i didnt know when i was just starting. I just saw someone crying 'mama' and throwing a tantrum. an introduction to hin and his age wouldve been nice. i dont think 'mama' and 'papa' are slang commonly used. just felt odd seeing them. also feels odd for a young boy to say them so often at least from my pov.

the biggest two writing flaws i noticed were

1. you do not separate between prespectives. all the characters 'reason' the same way. they justify their actions and chastise each other by the mc's thinking. this is a bit tricky to explain. it's like all the characters know everything that's happening and every single thought and dialogue from the mc. you need to be careful when writing different prespectives and not mix them.

2. age doesnt reflect actions and words. mc doesnt talk his age at times. at times he says stuff like 'we need each other' and at other times he's crying snot bubbles because other children are throwing fruits at him.

id say novel is alright. I dont like the approach you took. Usually these type of stories the mc would man up and train to 'protect those he loves'. you went the other approach and made him embrace being a kid. a selfish kid who keeps crying about what he lost but does nothing to change that or improve for the future. shounen i guess.

 

[Bimbanana]

Alright, next is mine then.

By the way, you can use this link to make it easier to read, grumpy blob :

The Necromancer Who Can't Raise The Dead

 

[greyblob]

Alright, next is mine then.

By the way, you can use this link to make it easier to read, grumpy blob :

The Necromancer Who Can't Raise The Dead

is this the same as the one above?

 

[Bimbanana]

is this the same as the one above?

Yep

 

[greyblob]

Alright, next is mine then.

By the way, you can use this link to make it easier to read, grumpy blob :

The Necromancer Who Can't Raise The Dead

its better than the other one. more focused and there's a proper storyline/progression. comedy is decent.

its still isekai slop which is fine but i think you'll hit an issue later on with how many different characters you want to introduce and maintain. good luck with the reaearch.

i feel like youre close to what works on RR but not there yet but feel free to prove me wrong.

my only note is, the mc hasnt done anything. youve depicted him as a scam artist of sorts but i hadnt seen anything from him yet. even when they used the slavers as bait, it wasn't his idea.


also if youre using ai and not setting the tag, you're gonna get slapped in the future

 

[V8485]

I would be thankful for your time. Link: The Devil’s Hell | Scribble Hub

 

[Shadowless3]

Is this still open? I can see [OPEN]
I’d like feedback on mine too

Beneath the Crown

Born of royal blood but raised in shadows, she lives among the streets. A bright, reckless spirit with a hidden past and a secret only her sister knows. Careless, curious, and untamed, she has no interest in kingdoms, crowns, or fate. A streetwise troublemaker with a secret past, she hides...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[greyblob]

@Assurbanipal_II post urs

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

@Assurbanipal_II post urs

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht

Schwarz -‖- Der Wille zur Macht Villainess, noble girl, princess. Reincarnation is a fickle matter, unpredictable and capricious, uncaring and unforgiving in nature. Stranded in unknown lands, in a different time and age by the mysterious forces of magic, Aurora is reborn as the sole heiress...

www.scribblehub.com

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Did I make it?

 

[Bimbanana]

its better than the other one. more focused and there's a proper storyline/progression. comedy is decent.

Yeah this time i want to make it more... normal–ish. Tch, i still haven't manage to make you burst laughing Mr. Grumpy Blob? Fine, I'll do better next time.

but i think you'll hit an issue later on with how many different characters you want to introduce and maintain. good luck with the reaearch.

Yeah, i already found a way to solved that issue on the future. Thanks! The Research part is actually very exciting! Apparently i like it.

i feel like youre close to what works on RR but not there yet but feel free to prove me wrong.

What? Why? I don't want to prove anyone wrong, i just want this to be as generic as it can sell

my only note is, the mc hasnt done anything. youve depicted him as a scam artist of sorts but i hadnt seen anything from him yet. even when they used the slavers as bait, it wasn't his idea.

Uh-huh, coming soon

also if youre using ai and not setting the tag, you're gonna get slapped in the future

Gah! I forgot you read it on RR. Finee...


Thank you so much Mr. Grumpy Blob for giving me your time, the input, and the validation that i needed.
*bow deeply*

And what about you... Miss?
*peek at @Rosica *

 

[greyblob]

What? Why? I don't want to prove anyone wrong, i just want this to be as generic as it can sell

too JP LN style. id reckon it'll work better on SH than RR. or maybe not since it has no lewd tags. who knows

 

[Bimbanana]

too JP LN style. id reckon it'll work better on SH than RR. or maybe not since it has no lewd tags. who knows

Hmm... lewd eh, noted.