[OPEN 2/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

[greyblob]

its been two years since the last one and two more since the one before. im getting the itch again.

i'll provide a simple review of what i read. I try to read more than the first few chapters before voicing an opinion which is why i have these few rules

1. No BL or GB or Smut. GL is fine but I do not enjoy so I will be biased.
2. No novels with less than 10k wordd.
3. I'll take 3 at a time and close the queue. I'll only review novels mentioned while the queue is open (do not comment a novel while thread is closed)
4. I won't leave reviews on the novels or comments. I won't send reviews in dms. I'll comment everything.
5. Post a link to your work.


for an example of how the review looks like, id recommend checking my older threads here. it should be somewhat similar

 

[JayMark]

Be as unreliable as you want.

Warning: This SpellBook Was Human!

When Lilly discovers an eyeball imp in her high school library, it isn’t long before she is pulled to the world of Khandaria with her best friend Zenobia. Not only does Lilly find herself trapped in a new world without humans. Humanoids are forbidden to exist in Khandaria, so...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Louhi]

I would like your unreliable opinion about this, RepresentingMenace.

I am NOT a Demon Queen!

High schooler Xiao Ling almost loses her life while saving a child, only to awaken with the memories of her past identity as Su Yao, the Nine Tailed Heavenly Fox! Unfortunately, the world remembers her as the vicious Demon Queen from a blockbuster movie currently in theaters. In truth, Su...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[great_sloth]

I'll take the last spot. I don't know if you still remembered, you also reviewed my last book, i dropped it. See if I improved a bit, lol. It has only 2 chapters for now.

The Unceasing Soul

A whim of fate—or the will of god? Under the blue moon an estranged soul awakened in a wretched body. Strange sights, uncomfortable smells, and hushed voices assaulted his senses, each one is a cruel reminder that the life of comfort was gone. He had no choice but to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[c37]

Hey, can you check out my work too? newer chapters, however. It is in my signature.

 

[greyblob]

Be as unreliable as you want.

Warning: This SpellBook Was Human!

When Lilly discovers an eyeball imp in her high school library, it isn’t long before she is pulled to the world of Khandaria with her best friend Zenobia. Not only does Lilly find herself trapped in a new world without humans. Humanoids are forbidden to exist in Khandaria, so...

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: 30. Warning: Consequences

this is gonna be a short one because i honestly don't have much to critique. overall, the writing is solid. structure is good, characters feel distinct. this is not my cup of tea but the writing is easy to read so i just kept reading and was honestly intersted to see where the story would go.

my bigget and only issue with the novel is that I didn't sign up for politics and conspiracies and global intrigue. I don't care about the dragons or their lore or their governments. I just wanted to know the story about lily and her friend and where it would go. you're switching povs a lot for people i dont care for. not really a 'flaw' per say. im just not a big fan of multiple POVs especially when its on what i consider secondary characters. If the story focused solely on lily and the dragon boy and occasionly on her friend, i think it's be much better but this is a purely subjective view.


other than that, i don't have much to say. If i wanted to be nit-picky i'd say i dislike floating dialouges and the pace is a bit fast and some of the villians are cartoony but I don't necessary feel like this is a flaw also. It's a trademark of the lighnovel style so its meh. I just dont enjoy it as much.

overall pretty solid. I'd say if you had a proper cover and focused more on the main cast the novel would've been a lot more popular. It's a decently written lightnovel with a highscool nerdy girl MC. practically made for SH. if you make it a GL with her friend you'd have all the infinity stones.

or maybe not. I dunno. maybe the meta changed

 

[Rosica]

Be as unreliable as you want.

Warning: This SpellBook Was Human!

When Lilly discovers an eyeball imp in her high school library, it isn’t long before she is pulled to the world of Khandaria with her best friend Zenobia. Not only does Lilly find herself trapped in a new world without humans. Humanoids are forbidden to exist in Khandaria, so...

www.scribblehub.com

I'd say if you had a proper cover and focused more on the main cast the novel would've been a lot more popular.

I'd also add the novel would've been a lot more popular if the novel is released now after Tony nuked all illegal translations from SH and not last year.

It was hard for original novels to see the light of day back then because the latest updates were flooded.

 

[JayMark]

I get the shakes if I'm not switching POV often. The experimental thing I'm writing doesn't help. It does return to Lily for the finale with all the players converging except the one agent, but maybe by then the people who want only MC focus tap out. And I thought I kept this one grounded, but I had to have my fun. I get bored staying with one person because my other 435~ personalities want input. You'd hate Alteration.

I'm trying to write GL and stay with the main characters for Silicon Based, but it's agonizing for me to not deal in the perspectives of the other players. Thanks for the review, I'm apreciating that it's not as bad as I thought it was.

I drew the cover myself btw, but the AI cover with boobs got more views.

 

[Eldoria]

I get the shakes if I'm not switching POV often. The experimental thing I'm writing doesn't help. It does return to Lily for the finale with all the players converging except the one agent, but maybe by then the people who want only MC focus tap out. And I thought I kept this one grounded, but I had to have my fun. I get bored staying with one person because my other 435~ personalities want input. You'd hate Alteration.

I also use a multiple POV approach. You're not alone.

 

[Bimbanana]

I get the shakes if I'm not switching POV often. The experimental thing I'm writing doesn't help. It does return to Lily for the finale with all the players converging except the one agent, but maybe by then the people who want only MC focus tap out. And I thought I kept this one grounded, but I had to have my fun. I get bored staying with one person because my other 435~ personalities want input. You'd hate Alteration.

I also use a multiple POV approach. You're not alone.

Dozens of protagonist with 5 POV sitting in 1 arc here
Readers who tap out because your story doesn't focus on MC are never your reader to begin with.
If they like your premise, your worldbuilding, etc, they will stay.
If its a big problem that means i should be in problem too.

 

[greyblob]

I drew the cover myself btw

yeah i can tell bro. ai cover or just stealing a random nerd jp girl will work. boobs will ironically be a bad cover for your novel.

I'm trying to write GL

despicable. will probably have more readers but despicable regardless.


for thr multiple povs, i do not enjoy them at all. the max amount of charctaers i followed in a novel was 3 and they were very very well polished and complete characters with their own personality, ambitions, and the like and they were intersting enough AND interacted with each other so i was intersted in seeing a character from another's POV for example.

actually there's one that had a lot but they were delusions of a character who escaped the mirror dimension and materialized in reality as his obsessions. doesn't count

id highly recommend against this unless you're going to put the time for each one. either they're all MCs or the rest is all secondary. no inbetween

 

[greyblob]

I would like your unreliable opinion about this, RepresentingMenace.

I am NOT a Demon Queen!

High schooler Xiao Ling almost loses her life while saving a child, only to awaken with the memories of her past identity as Su Yao, the Nine Tailed Heavenly Fox! Unfortunately, the world remembers her as the vicious Demon Queen from a blockbuster movie currently in theaters. In truth, Su...

www.scribblehub.com

read up to: Chapter 8: Generational Talent

writing quality is decent. very translation-esque. but has an ai-smell about it. I suspect you're using ai to edit or polish which i dont really have much of an opinion on. It's not glaringly so. only the first chapter suffers from this otherwise its pretty good.

now for the negatives. this will be a bit harsh but it's mostly because im biased against this style of writing and storry-telling so keep this in mind.

characters are bland. dont have much to add here. they exist so mc has someone to interact with/belittle

I actively despise the mc. She is a complete dickhead. I had hopes there'd be some type of good quality to her but I have not seen any as far as I have read. every interaction she had with someone she was either lying or manipulating or harming them.

you've pulled the "mc says something insane everyone around her questions her and she says you just misheard" card a lot. a lot a lot. It was fine the first time but it got stale after and just enforces how the side characters have no agency at all.

thats about it. I think the story has promise. there were a few moments were I thought there'd be some type of connection with those around her but I was repeatedly disappointed. I have a hunch this happens later but I cant wait for that.

Hey, can you check out my work too? newer chapters, however. It is in my signature.

bruh you skipped 2 ruled. Didnt even add a link

 

[Louhi]

read up to: Chapter 8: Generational Talent

writing quality is decent. very translation-esque. but has an ai-smell about it. I suspect you're using ai to edit or polish which i dont really have much of an opinion on. It's not glaringly so. only the first chapter suffers from this otherwise its pretty good.

now for the negatives. this will be a bit harsh but it's mostly because im biased against this style of writing and storry-telling so keep this in mind.

characters are bland. dont have much to add here. they exist so mc has someone to interact with/belittle

I actively despise the mc. She is a complete dickhead. I had hopes there'd be some type of good quality to her but I have not seen any as far as I have read. every interaction she had with someone she was either lying or manipulating or harming them.

you've pulled the "mc says something insane everyone around her questions her and she says you just misheard" card a lot. a lot a lot. It was fine the first time but it got stale after and just enforces how the side characters have no agency at all.

thats about it. I think the story has promise. there were a few moments were I thought there'd be some type of connection with those around her but I was repeatedly disappointed. I have a hunch this happens later but I cant wait for that.


bruh you skipped 2 ruled. Didnt even add a link

Noted. I want people to despise the MC so based on your feedback, I kind of succeeded? There is a reason she become known as a Demon Queen.

It's refreshing to hear something harsh once in a while. The other people I asked about it only have good things to say about it. The Queen's English is not my native language. I speak a variant of it influenced by Chinese. This is why the syntax use and sentences structure is very translation-esque.

@Macha is the one editing the first few chapters. She thought the original is so bad she cringed.

Thanks for the insight!

 

[greyblob]

Noted. I want people to despise the MC so based on your feedback, I kind of succeeded? There is a reason she become known as a Demon Queen.

It's refreshing to hear something harsh once in a while. The other people I asked about it only have good things to say about it. The Queen's English is not my native language. I speak a variant of it influenced by Chinese and have @Macha editing the first few chapters.

Thanks for the insight!

shes screwing you over. its her and her clones gang

 

[Bimbanana]

Hope you don't mind if i take one of the open slot

Building World Peace with My Bloodthirsty Demon Army

Welcome to planet Talvaris, your generic isekai world filled with magic, dragons, and voluptuous female elves who look like they escaped from an illustrators search history. Everything here is as beautiful as the goddess Celes envision it, if you just ignore the slavery and racism on the corner...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rosica]

I actively despise the mc. She is a complete dickhead. I had hopes there'd be some type of good quality to her but I have not seen any as far as I have read. every interaction she had with someone she was either lying or manipulating or harming them.

This is the meta these days. A lot of popular webnovel MC as of now is a complete dickhead. The design is very Qidian.

@Macha is the one editing the first few chapters.

You have three people (assuming @Macha @minacia and @minacia aren't clones) doing a lot of work on your opening chapters. Let me do the proofreading and editing on your next story. Unlike them, I'm only one person and not a clone.

 

[Erysion]

Unlike them, I'm only one person and not a clone.

Aren't you a @RacistCat clone?

 

[greyblob]

I'll take the last spot. I don't know if you still remembered, you also reviewed my last book, i dropped it. See if I improved a bit, lol. It has only 2 chapters for now.

The Unceasing Soul

A whim of fate—or the will of god? Under the blue moon an estranged soul awakened in a wretched body. Strange sights, uncomfortable smells, and hushed voices assaulted his senses, each one is a cruel reminder that the life of comfort was gone. He had no choice but to...

www.scribblehub.com

is it starter beast? I dont remeber honestly.

there's a 10k min because 2 chapters are not enough to make a review.

i read them but dont have much to offer. I can tell what youre trying to convey but your grasp on the language berays you. my advice to you is to read more and write more and try to emulate what you read (and actively use assistance, something like grammarly or something). its the easiest practical way of learning how to master the language imo

thats about it. not enough info to make any judgement. 2nd part of 2nd chapter felt off though. didnt fully understand whats happening and the pace was too fact, different from the rest, rushed.

 

[Erysion]

my advice to you is to read more and write more and try to emulate what you read (and actively use assistance, something like grammarly or something).

Just remember to read more Western and less Asian webnovels or your story will be very translation-esque.

 

[greyblob]

Noted. I want people to despise the MC so based on your feedback, I kind of succeeded? There is a reason she become known as a Demon Queen.

It's refreshing to hear something harsh once in a while. The other people I asked about it only have good things to say about it. The Queen's English is not my native language. I speak a variant of it influenced by Chinese. This is why the syntax use and sentences structure is very translation-esque.

@Macha is the one editing the first few chapters. She thought the original is so bad she cringed.

Thanks for the insight!

forgot to mention that i liked the intro. the character unlocking her memories from the cinema to the accident. great overall. main thing that kept me reading honestly