Need Feedback

[Phantasia591]

I’ve been posting To Dreams of Unbound Stars for about sometime now and I’m looking for some fresh eyes on it. I’m curious to know if the current pacing holds your interest and if the world-building feels cohesive so far.

Any feedback on the flow or character dynamics would be incredibly helpful!

To Dreams of Unbound Stars

In a world forbidden from magic, one boy will break the only rule that matters. All humans live under the Great Curse: the innate magic within them is trapped, useless against the Mana Beasts that rule the wilds. Salvation came not from sorcery, but from science—the invention of Channels....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[melchi]

My first impression is word count bloat. The first 3 paragraphs are descriptions backgrounds.

Expectation: A hook.

First impression: many paragraphs about landscape and housing. No hook. EM-dashes and random bold is weird when it gets to the Leyla paragraph. Why does unbreakable jaw need to be bold?

Also, I have multi POV tag on my ignore list. So I normally wouldn't even give this one a chance.

 

[FRWriter]

This guy likes it.

Admittedly, he is the author's twin, but he agrees 100% with the execution of the story. He could have sworn that he wrote it himself.

I'm jesting, of course.

Since I don't know you, I won't claim what I can't prove, but I can tell you that it sure feels, and more importantly, reads like it.

The formatting is off. You copypasted parts into the SH editor.

There are weird extra titles in a chapter... suspiciously appearing like the headline in a reply to a certain prompt. Separators are also really weird. Some words are bold... some don't even make sense. It's like you think the reader is stupid and needs a few words to get their attention: "Hey, stupid, dumb reader. Wake tf up, this word is REALLY important."

As for the story, which I am 100% sure you came up with at least partly on your own, despite being almost as sure that you didn't write it.

It's not bad at all.

If I only had one story I could read, I wouldn't be too disappointed. Classic fantasy story, cookie-cutter plot.

It's too slow for me personally. You act like you are Tolkien, and you want to start this epic fantasy series.

The dumbest thing is that the blurb spoils a lot of the plot, and the actual story needs a LONG TIME until it even gets to that point. So even before you start your story, you're already spoiled to a large degree and feel like you're wasting your time. You are reading background information that's trash, and you already know to a large degree what will happen. That kind of writing is the WORST. Do not spoil your book! It's like handholding the reader and expecting him to mindlessly accept the boring slop fed to him. The investment this story requires is absurd.

You need like 10k words to even get going. As @melchi says, you need a hook. Nobody will give a dryly written story without anything happening, yet even a shot.

You can see it as the changing times.

With the millions of stories that exist, nobody will give you or your story the benefit of the doubt. Nobody will invest in a blank story that's extremely dry and smells like AI.

Neither your writing nor your plot is enough to garner enough interest imo, DESPITE the story having a lot of potential.

If Tolkien didn't exist and would upload his stuff to SH, he would probably be ignored too... if that helps make you feel better. The WN audience might not be patient enough for your story.

 

[Phantasia591]

My first impression is word count bloat. The first 3 paragraphs are descriptions backgrounds.

Expectation: A hook.

First impression: many paragraphs about landscape and housing. No hook. EM-dashes and random bold is weird when it gets to the Leyla paragraph. Why does unbreakable jaw need to be bold?

Also, I have multi POV tag on my ignore list. So I normally wouldn't even give this one a chance.

Thanks for taking a look. I actually agree on the bolding, I’ve gone ahead and adjusted that for better flow.

As for the opening, it’s definitely a Traditional Epic Fantasy start rather than a 'System/Action-First' hook. I’m focused on grounded world-building and establishing the emotional stakes of the family before the 'Channel Burn' conflict kicks in.

I totally respect that Multi-POV isn't for everyone (it's a big world!), but for those who enjoy a broader narrative scope and atmospheric prose, the story really starts to hit its stride by Chapter 5. Appreciate the feedback!

This guy likes it.

Admittedly, he is the author's twin, but he agrees 100% with the execution of the story. He could have sworn that he wrote it himself.

View attachment 48987

I'm jesting, of course.

Since I don't know you, I won't claim what I can't prove, but I can tell you that it sure feels, and more importantly, reads like it.

The formatting is off. You copypasted parts into the SH editor.

There are weird extra titles in a chapter... suspiciously appearing like the headline in a reply to a certain prompt. Separators are also really weird. Some words are bold... some don't even make sense. It's like you think the reader is stupid and needs a few words to get their attention: "Hey, stupid, dumb reader. Wake tf up, this word is REALLY important."

As for the story, which I am 100% sure you came up with at least partly on your own, despite being almost as sure that you didn't write it.

It's not bad at all.

If I only had one story I could read, I wouldn't be too disappointed. Classic fantasy story, cookie-cutter plot.

It's too slow for me personally. You act like you are Tolkien, and you want to start this epic fantasy series.

The dumbest thing is that the blurb spoils a lot of the plot, and the actual story needs a LONG TIME until it even gets to that point. So even before you start your story, you're already spoiled to a large degree and feel like you're wasting your time. You are reading background information that's trash, and you already know to a large degree what will happen. That kind of writing is the WORST. Do not spoil your book! It's like handholding the reader and expecting him to mindlessly accept the boring slop fed to him. The investment this story requires is absurd.

You need like 10k words to even get going. As @melchi says, you need a hook. Nobody will give a dryly written story without anything happening, yet even a shot.

You can see it as the changing times.

With the millions of stories that exist, nobody will give you or your story the benefit of the doubt. Nobody will invest in a blank story that's extremely dry and smells like AI.

Neither your writing nor your plot is enough to garner enough interest imo, DESPITE the story having a lot of potential.

If Tolkien didn't exist and would upload his stuff to SH, he would probably be ignored too... if that helps make you feel better. The WN audience might not be patient enough for your story.

I appreciate the deep dive. It’s always interesting to see how different readers approach a story.

You’re spot on about the 'Tolkien' feel, that’s exactly the target. I’m writing a traditional epic fantasy where the atmosphere and the quiet moments before the storm are the foundation. I know that requires more investment than the typical fast-paced hook people look for here, but for this story, that groundwork is what makes the 'Channel Burn' conflict actually have weight when it hits.

The blurb isn't a spoiler; it’s the promise of the stakes. Setting the scene in Firstdawn is about building that emotional connection so the payoff isn't just another 'cookie-cutter' action beat. I’m focused on making the world-building cohesive and the character dynamics feel grounded, and I’m glad the potential there is coming through.

I get that the slow-burn and the depth aren’t for everyone, especially if you're looking for an immediate adrenaline hit, but that’s the vision for this series. Thanks for the engagement and the perspective.