Need Feedback: Horizon Dawn

[Sloth-of-Bangkok]

After getting sick of how every XIanxia turns out and how every Isekai but some is essential. I decided to write my own version. The original chapters are written before I get a hang on Grammarly, so please excuse the low quality (Please tell me how bad each one is so I can prioritize). So far 22 Chapter is out.

Horizon Dawn

A story of an Order of Justice and Hope in the world where strength rules all. In the world where gods have maturities of kindergarten. Where nations rule by political backstabbing and power supremacy. In a multiverse where power is the symbol of fear. In that world, the Queen of...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Shaiyamine]

So what do you want feedback on? Story and plot or grammar and diction?

 

[Sloth-of-Bangkok]

Just general opinion. I am trying to increase the reader count and prioritize which chapter need a grams check

 

[Shaiyamine]

Hmm... I don't have much time right now so I was only able to read your first chapter. My initial impression of it was pretty good, there are ways to build a little more impact and also some grammar errors to fix. I can write a more detailed review later on (I got 5 minutes till class so hahahahaha Imma blaze through my initial impression).

Honestly there's a lot of personality and the writing flow was pretty smooth when I skimmed. It seems interesting at first and good enough to make me continue to the next chapter but also it feels pretty ok for me to drop it here. I do plan on reading more so I can give comment on the general story but as of the first chapter it felt like it would drown with the other stories in my head.

Your pacing was pretty good though, and of course dialogue was accompanied nicely by actions. If I had more time I would like it better since I didn't have to skim too much.

I guess to improve this would be to disperse the detail. Since I see there's this one paragraph describing the voice alone. I guess it would be nicer to place more "action" in the story and lesser detail.

When i free up and get my hands on the computer I'll make a review on your grammar. (My forte in reviews are grammar and diction comments after all ^.^)