My first

[Dashio_Sumeragi]

I have completed my very first story. The tone is similar to "Girls with guns" anime from 20 years ago era. It is a dark urban action drama. The story as such is done, I´ll be dropping 1-2 episodes here every day. So, please check out Black Fangand tell me what you think. Thanks

Black Fang

A group of girls from the world of shadows, with past darker that the darkest night, are trying to live a normal life. But their past will catch up with them soon enough and they must once again fight, but this time not just for survival. Michelle, a young high...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[mythosandmagic]

Gunslinger Girls?

 

[Dashio_Sumeragi]

Gunslinger Girls?

Not exactly, but the is some level of influence. Gunslinger Gilrs, Black Lagoon, Jormungand, Lycoreco

 

[Eldoria]

Well, I only read 1 chapter of the prologue as a casual reader who happened to pass by. My general impression regarding the prologue... the story is flat and boring. A good prologue should provide a hook for the reader to press the "next" button but what I found was just a cliche school routine. Here are some things you can consider:

(1) I want to give you credit for starting the atmosphere with a warm atmosphere through the sunlight. But I immediately cried when you leaked the narrator's voice which ruined my reading experience.

Soft Monday morning light settled over the quiet streets of Odenton. Everything felt still, peaceful, almost suspended in time. The view drifts toward a single small house. Half-closed blinds glowing faintly as the rising sun creeps in...

Notice how you wrote the first 2 sentences warm and poetic through the symbolism of sunlight. That's good. But in the next sentence, the narrator's voice leaks when you 'force' the reader to see the scene of the small house, "The view drifts toward..." this connecting sentence is the narrator's voice leaking.

You should have made this atmospheric scene more organic. For example:

The light warmed the small house that stood on the edge of the road...

That way, the flow of the scene will flow naturally. The pacing will be smoother.

(2) Your prologue chapter only narrates scenes of everyday life through the experiences of a high school student. That is understandable if you are writing a pure SoL. But your synopsis promises an action and drama story with thriller elements.

If you present readers with scenes of everyday life without foreshadowing and pay off at the end of the chapter... readers may misunderstand that you are writing a SoL, school life story.

My suggestion, you need to provide foreshadowing regarding the 2 new students. You can perhaps give a mysterious vibe to the 2 students that shows they are not ordinary students.

You can narrative how their sharp gaze is not owned by normal students. How their aura intimidates other students. How their school equipment looks strange.

So, the readers can feel the subtle tension and guess that they are not normal people who will potentially trigger a tragedy or incident to move the plot.

Then at the end of the chapter... you can provide a pay off to make readers more curious about the continuation of the story.

For example, one of the mysterious students was involved in a certain incident that made her true identity leaked to the protagonist... so the protagonist is tied to a red thread, tied to a conflict with the mysterious girl.

(3) The protagonist does too many monologues that are more like meta comments. The protagonist's monologues seem to not add value to the depth of the protagonist's character. On the contrary, monologues are more like meta comments to explain what is happening through the protagonist's mind.

My advice... reduce monologues as meta comments. If you want to use monologues, make them a tool to deepen the character.

For example, the protagonist is friendly on the outside towards his friends. But his monologues show a cold and critical attitude. Thus you can provide 2 dimensions of the protagonist's personality at the same time.

Okay, this is a little feedback from me. Please note that I only read it once. My assessment may be biased.

In the end, you are the author who knows your story better than I as a causal reader. I hope it help you (or maybe not).

Regards.

 

[MFontana]

I have completed my very first story. The tone is similar to "Girls with guns" anime from 20 years ago era. It is a dark urban action drama. The story as such is done, I´ll be dropping 1-2 episodes here every day. So, please check out Black Fangand tell me what you think. Thanks

Black Fang

A group of girls from the world of shadows, with past darker that the darkest night, are trying to live a normal life. But their past will catch up with them soon enough and they must once again fight, but this time not just for survival. Michelle, a young high...

www.scribblehub.com

Initially made me think of Gunsmith Cats from the description.

Not exactly, but the is some level of influence. Gunslinger Gilrs, Black Lagoon, Jormungand, Lycoreco

You did manage to sell me on Black Lagoon though, as it was a solid spiritual successor to GSC (if you haven't read or watched the OVA's, definitely make it a point to check them out).
Adding it to my list as well.

I'm curious to see how you approached the concept.

 

[Dashio_Sumeragi]

@Eldoria
Thanks to your feedback. As the author I feel I need to provide a comment myself. Please don't take it the wrong way, I'm not trying to criticise your criticism, I take your point, but there are a few reasons why the first episode - or rather the first two episodes are slow burn /decieving.

First the intro - yeah, that I need to change a bit. I had a script version at first, to make a loght nivel wasn't my OG plan, guess I didn't do a proper rewrite there.

Now the monologues - the whole story is made from Michelle's perspective, but ep.1 actually did had the most monologues. After ep.2 it gets reduced to maybe one/two lines per episode, and later to zero.

Now to the new girls: yes I promisted action. And the story will deliver. I just felt revealing too much in ep1 would ruin it. Especially considering the story will have close to 50 ep. So I went for a slow build up. And the girls are too cautious to reveal themselves, but they are so out of place (especially their clothes, bodylanguage, behavior etc) and Michelle is observant enough to catch small details.

PE does give away the biggest hint of ep1 - first Trella looking like she went 10 rounds with a meatgrinder. Her numerous combat scars do give something away, also Aya's body and their strenght.

Ep.2 give away more of this, also something from their perspective and you wanted an incident? One comes at the end of ep2 when Brenda stays true to her threat.

Then talk about incidents - well ep3 opens right up with one and that will set the tone. And also this will be the start where the questions will get answered. At least partially.

 

[Eldoria]

@Eldoria
Thanks to your feedback. As the author I feel I need to provide a comment myself. Please don't take it the wrong way, I'm not trying to criticise your criticism, I take your point, but there are a few reasons why the first episode - or rather the first two episodes are slow burn /decieving.

First the intro - yeah, that I need to change a bit. I had a script version at first, to make a loght nivel wasn't my OG plan, guess I didn't do a proper rewrite there.

Now the monologues - the whole story is made from Michelle's perspective, but ep.1 actually did had the most monologues. After ep.2 it gets reduced to maybe one/two lines per episode, and later to zero.

Now to the new girls: yes I promisted action. And the story will deliver. I just felt revealing too much in ep1 would ruin it. Especially considering the story will have close to 50 ep. So I went for a slow build up. And the girls are too cautious to reveal themselves, but they are so out of place (especially their clothes, bodylanguage, behavior etc) and Michelle is observant enough to catch small details.

PE does give away the biggest hint of ep1 - first Trella looking like she went 10 rounds with a meatgrinder. Her numerous combat scars do give something away, also Aya's body and their strenght.

Ep.2 give away more of this, also something from their perspective and you wanted an incident? One comes at the end of ep2 when Brenda stays true to her threat.

Then talk about incidents - well ep3 opens right up with one and that will set the tone. And also this will be the start where the questions will get answered. At least partially.

You're still stuck in the traditional novel mindset. Here, I'm deliberately positioning myself as a "causal reader."

Causal readers don't care about the author's framework... they only care about an entertaining, relatable story that makes them care about your characters. If you don't provide a hook in chapter 1 or the prologue, causal readers won't be kind enough to comment... they'll simply close your chapter without comment, silently, and never come back. Is that cruel?!

Yes, it is. But that's how the web novel system works. You're free to write any fiction you like as long as it's only for your own enjoyment. But if you want to attract readers to read your fiction, you need to write a narrative that captivates the readers.

 

[Dashio_Sumeragi]

Initially made me think of Gunsmith Cats from the description.

You did manage to sell me on Black Lagoon though, as it was a solid spiritual successor to GSC (if you haven't read or watched the OVA's, definitely make it a point to check them out).
Adding it to my list as well.

I'm curious to see how you approached the concept.

GSC? Oh, yeah! Watched and even translated! I really love that one!

Btw ep. 6 & 7 are out now

You're still stuck in the traditional novel mindset. Here, I'm deliberately positioning myself as a "causal reader."

Causal readers don't care about the author's framework... they only care about an entertaining, relatable story that makes them care about your characters. If you don't provide a hook in chapter 1 or the prologue, causal readers won't be kind enough to comment... they'll simply close your chapter without comment, silently, and never come back. Is that cruel?!

Yes, it is. But that's how the web novel system works. You're free to write any fiction you like as long as it's only for your own enjoyment. But if you want to attract readers to read your fiction, you need to write a narrative that captivates the readers.

I wouldn´t say it´s cruel. It´s just the way it it. And... stuck in the traditional novel mindset? I think I would say traditional anime mindset... And yes, I am oldschool, I realise that. And I´m a newbie. This is the first story I wrote and published anywhere. And I know it´s not perfect and I know I made some mistakes. And definitly aint the last story. That´s why I want to learn.

 

[MFontana]

Haven't read any of the story yet, but do want to point out a few things real quick before I start.

This:

Synopsis
A group of girls from the world of shadows, with past darker that the darkest night, are trying to live a normal life. But their past will catch up with them soon enough and they must once again fight, but this time not just for survival. Michelle, a young high school student, stumbles into this dark world.

Isn't really doing you, or your story any favors.
I'm not an expert on writing blurbs by any measure myself, but that one feels cliché, and doesn't really convey anything substantial to hook prospective readers.

The best I can offer for suggestions is to consider these questions while revising it.

1. Where does the story take place?
2. When does it take place?
3. Who is the protagonist?
4. What are they (before the story takes place)?
5. What is the major thematic conflict?
6. What are the story's stakes?
7. What challenge does the protagonist face (in the opening chapters)?
8. What are the protagonist's goals?
9. Their beliefs?
10. Their hopes or dreams?
11. What is the inciting incident?

You don't need to answer them here. They're just food for thought.
Knowing the answers will help you establish your story's hook; and putting the answers into a summary between 200 and 500 words [3 - 5 Paragraphs] will constitute a solid blurb/synopsis.

 

[Eldoria]

I wouldn´t say it´s cruel. It´s just the way it it. And... stuck in the traditional novel mindset? I think I would say traditional anime mindset... And yes, I am oldschool, I realise that. And I´m a newbie. This is the first story I wrote and published anywhere. And I know it´s not perfect and I know I made some mistakes. And definitly aint the last story. That´s why I want to learn.

It's great that you want to learn; I appreciate your sincerity. I'm being honest because I don't want you making the same mistakes other authors, including myself, have made.

Imagine writing 10 million words, but readers give up after reading chapter 1. Isn't that even more painful? Knowing your mistakes early is better than repeating them for years.

 

[MFontana]

This chapter one makes a second critique that I've got on my plate to try and get typed up tonight.
I could also see a lot of what El was pointing out and a fair bit more that wasn't mentioned.

There is a lot that needs to be addressed on the technical side for sure, but as a quick little pointer for addressing the tension (or lack-thereof) with the new girls, and the lack of foreshadowing, I'd suggest making use of Dramatic Irony.

Show the reader what the new girls are like, or do, before your protagonist knows it.

Even something as simple as their morning routine, or a quick phone-call can do wonders to set the tone when they're on-screen, so when you have the protagonist meet them, you'll have immediate tension in the interaction.

I'll go into more detail later with the full critique.

 

[Fairemont]

Title: 4/5
A decent title. Black Fang is short and compelling, but doesn't really tell you much about the story. Not much you can do to make that any better, though.

Cover: 4/5
Not the most interesting cover overall, but it does give the reader a good idea of what to expect going forward. The title could maybe use an outline or something to help it pop a bit better.

Synopsis: 2/5
While it does tell the reader a little about the story's premise, it could use more content. I'd recommend doubling the word content and digging into the story rather than the pre-story hook.

Tags: 1/5
You've got three genres selected, and 10 tags chosen. You can pick a lot more than that, and doing so will help a lot. You want to try and pick anything and everything that is going to be relevant to help readers find your story. However, focus on tags that people are going to actually search.

Chapter one: 2/5
I believe you nailed every single trope of a mid 2000's anime so on-the-nose that I can't tell if this is gearing up to be a parody or not.

1. Wake-up at the start of the story (bland, over-used, poorly executed by 99% of writers)
2. Absentee parents, a classic of young adult novels and most anime/manga
3. Toast-on-the-go
4. Basic-tier bullies
5. New teacher/staff at school moving in
6. Transfer student(s)

So... this reads like a very watered down light novel. Some people enjoy light novels, but they aren't usually my thing. I think the biggest issue with this whole first chapter is that it is incredibly sparse and none of what happens feels truly impactful or interesting. Furthermore, there's almost nothing to connect the readers to the main character(s).

The writing is so passive that it is dragging you down. To be honest, It is written in a way that makes me feel like you were held at gunpoint and told to write something, because I can't shake the feeling that you were bored while writing it.

You have reasonably good technical skills. I only noticed one typo. The grammar is better than average, but not perfect. So, you have a good writing foundation, but it feels like this is the first thing you've written, and the first thing an author writes is always going to be somewhat lackluster because they don't have the experience to back it up. I know that the first thing I wrote was absolute dog water-tier garbage, as were the next 30-some projects. Ironically, this is probably better than the first thing I wrote...

That being said, if this is the first thing you've written, I believe you have a bright future ahead of you, because there is at least a great foundation established here. I don't foresee Black Fang being your break-out hit that propels you to stardom, but I have a sneaking suspicion if I read this first chapter and compared it to your final chapter, there'd be a lot of improvement between them.

So, the biggest take away I have for you is this:

You're going to get a lot of "Fix this", "fix that", "That's not good", "This isn't good" commentary in this thread. When you come in and ask a bunch of authors to give you feedback, they don't go in looking for the things you did well. They pick it apart and look for anything and everything that can be improved. They also have a bad habit of being pretty blunt about it. So, you're going to get a lot of things that tear your writing apart without ever really complimenting you about it.

Does this mean it is bad? That you're a bad writer? No. Pretty much anyone who opens a thread like this gets torn apart by the mass of piranhas in here because we believe we are helping.

So, the important thing is that you're going to have to keep practicing to improve, the same as any of us. You're not there yet. Not at the point where you're going to be considered a good writer or storyteller, but I suspect it's only a little ways off in the future. With that being said...

Keep up the good work!