I'm unemployed enough to take a swing at it.
First, speaking as a smut writer myself, you need to mark intense shit in the post if you are going to ask for feedback. Just as a courtesy sort of thing.
Second, I just got done giving feedback on several stories in a row where the writers rushed past any scene-setting sort of detail. So I greatly appreciate that you do that in your opening. Have a star sticker.
I'm not entirely clear why the bartender doesn't like the protagonist for coming too often. If he tips well, isn't he just a loyal customer? Maybe you work at a bar and understand something I don't. But the detail needs more context.
You overuse short one-line paragraph. Don't get me wrong, it's not the most egregious example I've seen of it. Sometimes it works really well with the rhythm of the prose.
The jukebox groaned through another saxophone solo.
Damien glanced toward it like it had personally insulted him.
Alex snorted despite himself. “Nobody put that on. It just does that.”
That part works. The characters are rapidly changing, it's a quick and witty section. Great. But after, when it keeps going, with the reader rarely getting a full paragraph to catch their breath, it starts becoming grating. You lose the speed, and it just starts looking like a LOT of white space between sentences. And with no change in the pacing for many, many paragraphs, even the wit between them starts to feel dull. Like they're simultaneously running on a script while also afraid to just breathe and reflect inwardly for a moment.
Okay, here's the last issue I'll bring up. I obviously read your story tags. It goes to a lot of dark and potentially fun or scary places. Great. But here's the issue. The opening chapter, the hook, is supposed to give us a feeling for what is coming in the story. To at least clue us in to what is lurking. Instead, this opening chapter function like a detective-noire meet-cute. You try a little in the end, with a character wondering about the encounter being reckless. But that can literally mean anything. You need more, concrete details. Something that will make the reader feel the same amount of trepidation that the protagonist feels, if not more.
And I think that's the single biggest issue. By the end of the chapter, I haven't been given enough information to know if I even want to continue. I think an effective hook would put me in the same shoes as the protagonist. Not knowing if it's a good idea to keep reading, feeling a little scared, but ultimately too enticed to stop reading. Especially with a book name like "Worthy Terror".
I hope that helps, best of luck!
