Looking for feedback on the Prologue of my work

[melcomely]

Hello! I'm seeking feedback on my first work, "Undo Her".

You're free to skip the brief Preface of the story, but I've been posting it over the last couple of weeks and wanted to know if the Prologue had any sauce whatsoever.

Read "PROLOGUE": https://www.scribblehub.com/read/2235188-undo-her/chapter/2235192/

The novel itself is about the consequences of teleportation in the psyche of the main character, and the Prologue introduces some of the principal characters, good and bad. I hope you enjoy it! :)

 

[HouseDelarouxScribbles]

Oh hey, I liked reading the story, and read a little past the prologue! Since you asked me about the prologue, I thought it was well-written; the emperor has a lot of points where you did well in casting him as a villain. I liked the little contrast in size between the lackey and him, the various little details such as the throne and randomly wearing sunglasses indoors like someone out of Tropico. It has dictator energy, and I thought that was the strongest point of the prologue!

Since I read forward, I think that something you do a lot is to seed future elements inside the writing. The sun throne and the solar religion seem to be something relevant in later chapters when another cult pops up. Although I am still not sure what. the more I read, the more these little pieces start to pile up, and I start to lose track of them and where in place these pieces are worldbuilding, and which pieces are foreshadowing. They always seem like a block that someone left there, but is currently unused. In the prologue, it is not overwhelming yet, but later on, when places, names and politics start to merge, it starts getting difficult to keep track of things!

For example, the 'Ydra' thing isn't relevant until part 2, and it confused me for a bit. It also messed with my head a little, because there's a scene later on between the emperor and Saliah in an alley, and I was trying to place the event. Eventually, my mind settled on 'Undoer machine was built, and Emperor wants to expand it later'. At the beginning, a revelation like this doesn't quite hit and is another building block that needs to be recalled.

That's about it, I also note the story doesn't just focus on Liya, and also includes the reaction of the people around her. I felt the small bits which describe her mindstate after teleportation was interesting, just to let you know!

 

[melcomely]

Oh hey, I liked reading the story, and read a little past the prologue!

Hello, thank you very much for the read, and for the extensive review of it. I really appreciate it!

Since I read forward, I think that something you do a lot is to seed future elements inside the writing. The sun throne and the solar religion seem to be something relevant in later chapters when another cult pops up. Although I am still not sure what. the more I read, the more these little pieces start to pile up, and I start to lose track of them and where in place these pieces are worldbuilding, and which pieces are foreshadowing. They always seem like a block that someone left there, but is currently unused. In the prologue, it is not overwhelming yet, but later on, when places, names and politics start to merge, it starts getting difficult to keep track of things!

Definitely, and thank you for the feedback. I tend to throw a lot of exposition at a fear of having certain aspects of the story not being understood, but I can see it becoming overwhelming and difficult when it shouldn't be. There's also an existing but unclear barrier between foreshadowing and "worldbuilding for worldbuilding's sake" that makes things even more confusing.

I like to think that the reader is under no obligation to truly 'keep track', that one can follow the approximation of the story without understanding every single thing about the world and its culture, but it probably is hard to follow the story in general with so many tangents and 'building blocks' in the way.

Still, I feel like you have a good grasp on everything that is necessary to understand the story!

For example, the 'Ydra' thing isn't relevant until part 2, and it confused me for a bit. It also messed with my head a little, because there's a scene later on between the emperor and Saliah in an alley, and I was trying to place the event. Eventually, my mind settled on 'Undoer machine was built, and Emperor wants to expand it later'. At the beginning, a revelation like this doesn't quite hit and is another building block that needs to be recalled.

I think your mind did the right thing! But I do agree, I have my own reservations on both the alley scene and the way the Ydra thing is handled, in general. The Prologue contains various plot-twists that only are relevant to the reader later in the story, and this could have been organized better to make an impact, rather than being reminded every so often. It probably does not help that the story is told in such disorder :)

That's about it, I also note the story doesn't just focus on Liya, and also includes the reaction of the people around her. I felt the small bits which describe her mindstate after teleportation was interesting, just to let you know!

Thank you very much, again, for all the comments! It's extremely useful to me to read your experience with the work into Part 2. Everything you mentioned are things I hope to improve in the future :)

 

[FRWriter]

It's totally not a genre I'd ever read but it's quite interesting. However you switch between present and past tense... or I'm just being mentally challenged again and I'm mistaken, which is quite likely.

I also think your paragraphs are way too long and difficult to read. Like 2 or 3 times as long as they should be.

Aside from those two things I think your story is quite promising, keep it up.

Edit. Reading on mobile and this 1 paragraph is longer than my entire screen, lol. It's just a wall of Text.

 

[melcomely]

It's totally not a genre I'd ever read but it's quite interesting. However you switch between present and past tense... or I'm just being mentally challenged again and I'm mistaken, which is quite likely.

I doubt you're mistaken! Thank you for letting me know this is an issue.

I also think your paragraphs are way too long and difficult to read. Like 2 or 3 times as long as they should be.

I appreciate your input. Many books throughout history have had long paragraphs, spanning multiple pages, often representing panic (e.g. the screenshot provided), insanity, euphoria, or any emotional state where there's little space to breathe (and, thus, change paragraph). It is a little more demanding of the reader's attention, but making these sections 2, 3 times shorter might dim their impact entirely.

I do understand ramblings are not everyone's cup of tea, still.

Aside from those two things I think your story is quite promising, keep it up.

Much appreciated! Thank you again for reading and lending your thoughts :)

 

[TheKillingAlice]

wanted to know if the Prologue had any sauce whatsoever.

Tomato?

Hello! I'm seeking feedback on my first work, "Undo Her".

I actually read not the entire Prologue, but around 1/3 or 1/4 of it. I felt it was indeed written well in certain aspects – I liked the way you portrayed the emperor, emphasizing and contrasting his thoughts and actions, carving a picture of someone who thinks highly of himself, as if it was a given, like a despot might.
At the same time, it drags on too long in this form, as nothing else happens and we barely get any dialogue. I skipped through to find some of it further down, but if I hadn't looked into it specifically, I would have stopped reading long before I reached that.
Doesn't help that I have the attention span of that decaying piece of Pizza stuck to the back of your fridge. So if there's no real hook or something to follow, you lose me fast.
The problem was that the unchanging perspective was just about the man getting ready and it felt repetitive, which made it seem even longer than it was – and it was long in reality as well.
I also believe you switched tenses now and then, but I'm massively incompetent im that regard myself, so take that with a grain of salt.
Actually, take all of my words with a grain of salt.

 

[melcomely]

I actually read not the entire Prologue, but around 1/3 or 1/4 of it.

Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed some of the descriptions, or at least, until ...

At the same time, it drags on too long in this form, as nothing else happens and we barely get any dialogue. I skipped through to find some of it further down, but if I hadn't looked into it specifically, I would have stopped reading long before I reached that.
Doesn't help that I have the attention span of that decaying piece of Pizza stuck to the back of your fridge. So if there's no real hook or something to follow, you lose me fast.
The problem was that the unchanging perspective was just about the man getting ready and it felt repetitive, which made it seem even longer than it was – and it was long in reality as well.

... they dragged a little too long! That is fair. I might go a little too long doing my descriptions and character routines, hoping they better characterize the character. I enjoy these long passages of daily life in other works myself, but I appreciate you letting me know it's not your thing!

I also believe you switched tenses now and then, but I'm massively incompetent im that regard myself, so take that with a grain of salt.

Very likely. Other comment up there also said it, so it appears to be true. Thanks again! :)