Looking for any kind of feedback to my first attempt of story writing.

[Shneedlewoods]

Hey ya'll,
i might just be a little overexcited, but i desperately wanna know whether my story hits in any way or not.
It feels like there is a lot potential, but since what I wrote is my first try, and English is not my first language, I'd love to know where i stand.
And to be 100% honest, I did start with an A.I. just for vocabulary boost and punctuation support, but the story itself is completely untouched by it. So no lazy prompt feeding, copy n paste. I was just looking for variable ways to say what i wanted to say... if that makes sense.
I still got a lot to learn, and I still do a lot wrong probably. But I definitely got hooked.

So, since I'm new here, i don't really know if you want me to put it in here or isn't that necessary? I'll just throw it in here as pdf.

 

[R.G.Graf]

Am I to understand that this is a transcript of an audio broadcast? Video? Mental, I know, but depending on the type of broadcast, you need to focus on something different.
With an audio broadcast, you can add more ambient sounds, and with a video, a short description of what the person watching is seeing. This will make it easier to follow the characters and not get lost.
Even if we assume that the person describing these situations is a verbal slosh, we can, and even need to, interrupt them with additional information to avoid getting lost in the flow.
Short sentences work well when something is happening quickly and a lot, but when there are a lot of them and often, you can lose your rhythm.
I noticed you tried to do this with the "lemon face" moment; it would have been better to use "they felt shivers of disgust" or "they contorted their faces in disgust"; it conveys more emotion.
You sometimes switch between the first-person "I" and the third-person "they," for example, here: Well... they cum. Hard.
You focus mainly on sex, which is a shame, because it would be interesting to get to know the characters you write about, even through a single paragraph.
The information I managed to glean throughout the text is sparse, but it does provide the seeds for interesting relationships.
The multiverse theme fades away, and the information about aliens at the end feels random.
Overall, there's a seed of something interesting somewhere in the text, but it's worth not focusing primarily on sex. It's better to make it a flavor, a reward.
Don't get discouraged; keep writing and develop the characters if you want to stay with them for a while. Everyone started somewhere, and you'll be surprised how many started with a bit of over-the-top erotica.
Good luck!

 

[Shneedlewoods]

Am I to understand that this is a transcript of an audio broadcast? Video? Mental, I know, but depending on the type of broadcast, you need to focus on something different.
With an audio broadcast, you can add more ambient sounds, and with a video, a short description of what the person watching is seeing. This will make it easier to follow the characters and not get lost.
Even if we assume that the person describing these situations is a verbal slosh, we can, and even need to, interrupt them with additional information to avoid getting lost in the flow.
Short sentences work well when something is happening quickly and a lot, but when there are a lot of them and often, you can lose your rhythm.
I noticed you tried to do this with the "lemon face" moment; it would have been better to use "they felt shivers of disgust" or "they contorted their faces in disgust"; it conveys more emotion.
You sometimes switch between the first-person "I" and the third-person "they," for example, here: Well... they cum. Hard.
You focus mainly on sex, which is a shame, because it would be interesting to get to know the characters you write about, even through a single paragraph.
The information I managed to glean throughout the text is sparse, but it does provide the seeds for interesting relationships.
The multiverse theme fades away, and the information about aliens at the end feels random.
Overall, there's a seed of something interesting somewhere in the text, but it's worth not focusing primarily on sex. It's better to make it a flavor, a reward.
Don't get discouraged; keep writing and develop the characters if you want to stay with them for a while. Everyone started somewhere, and you'll be surprised how many started with a bit of over-the-top erotica.
Good luck!

First things first, thank you for you feedback.
I see, i have to make a few things more clear. Mackenzie is the mc, and the narrator. The transcript is supposed to be a Psyscript actually. Meaning, what ever she thinks turns into the text you're reading. Something she wants to send through the multivers. The readers job: to imagine the whole transmission has been sent out of a different dimension onto your device. But ok, maybe i'm expecting to much with that. The (lemon face) thing, is something that the system caught accidentally. A neural-signal, meant for her face to form a (lemon face). Or before, a signal for her arm that's (pointing at her) Kira. That's why it's not loaded with emotions. Rather simple.
And about the first person confusion—"they cum. Hard."
It was the answer to her own question before that: "have you ever wondered what happens when two scissors meet their shear point, and cut? Well...they cum. Hard.
It's a reference to Mackenzie's scissor-grip in the fight.
Still narrating in first person, about the two metaphoric scissors, about to cut their shear point.
The blades = their legs
The shear point = their Genitalia
The cutting = scissoring, or pressing their vaginas against each other.
Things i do agree with you:
Just realized, the Multiversal theme really does fade away.
The Alien information about "Frodo" yes, does seem random.
And also, short lines for fast paced scenes and longer ones for slower scence. Makes sense, didn't know that.
The whole transmission was meant to be a little guide.
Some basic information, an introgasm.
And the fact that a lot of writers start with "over-the-top erotica" just aproves that i am where i need to be. That's what floats my boat at the moment. Even though i don't really consider it "over the top."
However, you gave me a lot of intel to use.
Thank you so much for that :)
Have fun?