Just released my first Chapter

[JYLewis]

Hey folks. I just released my first chapter for the writing contest thingy mabob. Hope you guys give some good feedback. Even if I don't win or anything I plan finishing story regardless.

Fantasy of Ash & Blood

War is brewing between the different races in the wildlands continent. The Noble Draakin, fierce Werebeast tribes, cruel harpy clans, and other peoples are feeling increasing hostility from human kingdoms. The Goddess Caphrine has called upon eight heroes from another world to eliminate the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[hauntedwritings]

Alright, I'm going to start by saying that there are kind people on the forums who have created threads for those who need some short advice. Could try posting there. As you asked for advice, I'll give it; don't hate.

Your story seems to have potential. A few changes I would do however;
1. Language. For the most part pretty good. A few words that seem out of place or wrong, nothing dealbreaking.
2. Grammar. Remember to use commas. Read your descriptive sentences again and compare to your dialogues.
Even in written form, sentences should be able to be told in one breath unless paused with a comma. As the reader will read it and try to speak it internally. If your sentence is longer than 10 words or so, something is probably 'wrong'. They also help emphazising your descriptions by slowing down the rate you read.
3. Remember to proof read. Some words missing capital letters or punctuations in the middle of sentences. How deal breaking such things are, depends on the reader.
4. More show, less tell. The ever-elusive goal of every writer. For example: rather than telling your readers how your MC looks like, show them. Fill your description of her into her actions.

This is ofcourse a personal opinion.

 

[JYLewis]

Alright, I'm going to start by saying that there are kind people on the forums who have created threads for those who need some short advice. Could try posting there. As you asked for advice, I'll give it; don't hate.

Your story seems to have potential. A few changes I would do however;
1. Language. For the most part pretty good. A few words that seem out of place or wrong, nothing dealbreaking.
2. Grammar. Remember to use commas. Read your descriptive sentences again and compare to your dialogues.
Even in written form, sentences should be able to be told in one breath unless paused with a comma. As the reader will read it and try to speak it internally. If your sentence is longer than 10 words or so, something is probably 'wrong'. They also help emphazising your descriptions by slowing down the rate you read.
3. Remember to proof read. Some words missing capital letters or punctuations in the middle of sentences. How deal breaking such things are, depends on the reader.
4. More show, less tell. The ever-elusive goal of every writer. For example: rather than telling your readers how your MC looks like, show them. Fill your description of her into her actions.

This is ofcourse a personal opinion.

Thank you for the post. I habe tried posting things in the "hey post all your chapters here for feedback" and they get drown out almost immediately.

As for editing I had to unfortunately write this on a phone as I am not home to do proper edits as of now. So your advise is duly noted.

I got 3 more chpaters in the kiln so I imagine I will finish them up in a day or two.