Writing Just checking interpretations on this small interaction

[worksbyindigo]

Hi! First time starting a post.

Just curious how you guys would interpret this scene between three characters (Moss, Silk and Pry). I am aiming for a certain read that the LLMs can't seem to pick up on (the free modes are kinda dumb and I am broke lol). Then again, it might be just my ass writing.

Here's the text (it's in Silk's POV):

Ten minutes later, Silk pulled over by the warehouse compound. Moss was already loitering by the gate and immediately ran up to the cab, a bottle of grease on one hand.

Of course. Shirtless.

"Silk!" the man called. Silk held his breath as the afternoon sunlight casted gorgeous shadows over his toned tanned frame. "It's late and I was getting worried. Are you guys alright?"

"Just ran into a little hiccup along the way," Silk forced a smile. "Also, put a shirt on. We have a young lady at the back."

"I don't mind it actually," Pry shrugged.

Oh I'm sure you're just having a blast watching me because I do, Silk rolled his eyes at Pry. The girl let out a soft giggle from the backseat.

Question:
How would you describe the dynamics between the three characters above? Who's thirsting for who?

Feel free to comment on the writing too and how to improve on it. My soul is ready, but please be gentle...

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Here's the text (it's in Silk's POV):

Ten minutes later, Silk pulled over by up to the warehouse compound. Moss was already loitering by the gate and immediately ran up over to the cab, a bottle of grease on in one hand.

Literal grease or is this some kind of in-setting drink or something else entirely?

Of course. Shirtless.

Is this a thought from Silk or a editorial comment? Or is this a sudden shift from third to first person?

"Silk!" the man called. Silk held his breath as the afternoon sunlight casted gorgeous shadows over his toned, tanned frame. "It's late and I was getting worried. Are you guys alright?"

Not sure here, but I think "all right" is more appropriate than "alright."

"Just ran into a little hiccup along the way," Silk forced a smile. "Also, put a shirt on. We have a young lady at the back."

Should either change the transition in thought between "on" and "we" from a period to either a dash, to denote a sudden shift, or a semicolon. Or make the two separate sentences orders with exclamation points instead of periods.

"I don't mind it. actually," Pry shrugged.

Oh, I'm sure you're just having a blast watching me because I do, Silk rolled his eyes at Pry. The girl let out a soft giggle from the backseat.

Might be better to move the bit about the soft giggle up to the paragraph above, maybe "Pry shrugged and let out a soft giggle from the back seat.
And the part before "the girl let out" ... what is going on there? Is Silk thinking that and it should be "watching him, because I do" or is Moss thinking this? Regardless, why is Silk rolling his eyes?

Question:
How would you describe the dynamics between the three characters above? Who's thirsting for who?

Feel free to comment on the writing too and how to improve on it. My soul is ready, but please be gentle...

It seems that Moss is thirsting after Moss, but will accept any positive attention.
Silk finds Moss attractive and is either reluctant to act on it or afraid to.
Pry appreciates a good male form.

 

[Arkus86]

From the text, I'm not sure who is shirtless. At first it's Moss. Then the sunlight casts shadows over Silk's toned tanned frame.

Silk held his breath as the afternoon sunlight casted gorgeous shadows over his toned tanned frame.

Then this

"I don't mind it actually," Pry shrugged.

Oh I'm sure you're just having a blast watching me because I do, Silk rolled his eyes at Pry. The girl let out a soft giggle from the backseat.

Is Pry having a blast watching Silk because Silk obviously enjoys the view, or because Silk/Moss is shirtless? Is Silk having a blast watching himself, or does he mind?

I'm exaggerating a little, though.

That said, I'm pretty sure Silk is thirsting after Moss, but it's not clear who Pry is watching. The flow leading to it would imply she's enjoying the view of shirtless Moss, while Silk's inner monologue assumes she's poking fun at Silk. Her reaction to Silk's eye roll is ambiguous too.

 

[worksbyindigo]

Literal grease or is this some kind of in-setting drink or something else entirely?

Is this a thought from Silk or a editorial comment? Or is this a sudden shift from third to first person?

Not sure here, but I think "all right" is more appropriate than "alright."

Should either change the transition in thought between "on" and "we" from a period to either a dash, to denote a sudden shift, or a semicolon. Or make the two separate sentences orders with exclamation points instead of periods.

Might be better to move the bit about the soft giggle up to the paragraph above, maybe "Pry shrugged and let out a soft giggle from the back seat.
And the part before "the girl let out" ... what is going on there? Is Silk thinking that and it should be "watching him, because I do" or is Moss thinking this? Regardless, why is Silk rolling his eyes?

It seems that Moss is thirsting after Moss, but will accept any positive attention.
Silk finds Moss attractive and is either reluctant to act on it or afraid to.
Pry appreciates a good male form.

Thank you so much for your input! I don't know how to reply to everything you've put in but I'm glad to know of other things that need to be cleared up.

• About the grease...idk English is not my first language (though I hate using that excuse), but for context he was oiling up the gates prior...I think the "bottle" (of grease) wording is awkward?
• I might have to brush up on all right vs alright lol...thanks again!
• I think you got the dynamics down...Moss thirsting over himself is now canon in my book (lol jk gotta clean this up)

Thankfully the full piece won't be posted for a while yet so I can still implement some fixes. Glad to have you guys get a look at it!

From the text, I'm not sure who is shirtless. At first it's Moss. Then the sunlight casts shadows over Silk's toned tanned frame.


Then this

Is Pry having a blast watching Silk because Silk obviously enjoys the view, or because Silk/Moss is shirtless? Is Silk having a blast watching himself, or does he mind?

I'm exaggerating a little, though.

That said, I'm pretty sure Silk is thirsting after Moss, but it's not clear who Pry is watching. The flow leading to it would imply she's enjoying the view of shirtless Moss, while Silk's inner monologue assumes she's poking fun at Silk. Her reaction to Silk's eye roll is ambiguous too.

Oh no...I should really fix that first part. Establish that Moss is the shirtless one, got it! (Didn't occur to me that it was confusing, thanks!)

And no, you're not exaggerating at all! This is the bit where I think I'm off the mark on what I'm trying to convey. Yes, Silk is meant to come off as thirsting over Moss. Pry is supposed to come off as enjoying the sight of Silk thirsting after Moss (for future blackmail lol).

Off to edit now!

Thanks again!