Well, after reading 3 chapters, my general impression is... your narrative tends to be heavy on
telling. I don't know if this is your writing style or not. I checked your other series... and well, it hasn't changed much.
If telling is your writing style, then you can ignore this feedback. But if you want to understand why it's not good, at least based on my reading experience, then you can pay attention to the following explanation:
I know telling is efficient in pursuing plot progress. But excessive use will distance the reader from the story.
Fiction is an emotional experience that binds the reader into the world of the story. Fiction can be said to be good if it can 'hypnize' the readers that they are not reading black ink... and enter (imagine) the world of the story through the narrative (text) written by the author. To achieve this 'hypnotic' effect, you need to narrate vivid scenes so that the reader can feel the world of the story.
Well, that's where showing is important; you need to make the reader interact with your story. How? Minimize the narrator's voice or use the narrator in a controlled manner.
The relationship between the story, the narrator, and the reader can be seen in the following illustration:
Reader <- Narrator -> Story
When you
tell, your narrative is filtered through the narrator's voice. The narrator explains what happens in the story to the reader, whether it's the characters, worldbuilding, plot, or conflict. Readers can only know as far as the narrator explains. The result?
Readers understand the story. They'll nod. But they won't be emotionally connected to your story. Why?
Because readers don't experience the story. They only know... it's like readers only see an accident report in the newspaper.
They might nod and perhaps feel a little sympathy. But they find it difficult to cry for the victim. Because, to the reader, they only see the victim in the report as a stranger.
This is the weakness of telling; narrative telling creates a cold narrative distance between the reader and your story (especially your characters). Narrative telling is prone to becoming an event report.
That's why it's important to apply
show it, don't tell it, not just a sweet slogan. It's a golden principle to immerse your readers in your story world through immersion.
By
showing, readers can experience an
emotional experience. They are confronted with the accident victim before their eyes. They can smell the blood, the victim's hoarse voice, the victim's dying condition. The result?
Readers might care for the victim. They might get goosebumps, cry, and want to help the victim, especially if they've seen the victim's background with their own eyes.
In your chapters, I still find a lot of telling. The narrator tells about protagonist: his identity, personality, family, and fears.
Your narrator tells his personality is an introvert, a victim of bullying? (The narrator mentions his friends being jealous), a teenager, and from a lower-middle class background.
This narrative should be conveyed with
showing. This is important to build a closeness between your character and the readers.
Don't say your protagonist is an introvert. Narrate him sitting in the corner of the classroom, refusing to interact with his friends and teacher.
Don't say your protagonist is bullied. Narrate your protagonist being teased, hit, or flushed with toilet water by his classmates.
Make the reader feel the protagonist's suffering. So they might care for your protagonist and be upset with his classmates.
Don't say your protagonist has a younger sister to care for. Narrate (through flashback) your protagonist holding his little sister's hand while thin, pale-faced sister sleeps on a white bed.
Make the reader feel as if they're standing beside your protagonist and feeling their pain. That way, the reader might care more about your character. You get my point, right?
Well, you probably already know, but creating the protagonist's identity and background through telling is necessary to advance the plot.
But think about this: readers won't bother caring about your plot if they still feel unfamiliar with your character. Create an emotional connection with your character so they'll want to follow your protagonist's journey.
Well, that's all my feedback.
Regards.
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