Is this sex scene paced well?

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

Hey everyone, I just wrote my first real sex scene for my first novel, and I don't really have any friends who will give me feedback on it. Can you guys let me know if this scene is done in a way that lets you imagine it and how well it flows from one beat to the next?

Spoiler

Opening the left door, I’m met with something similar to a bathhouse. A large open room with a large communal water source to bathe with. As I hesitantly enter, I don’t see anyone in here. Feeling a little more confident, I look around for a brush and soap, only to find one of them. In my hand, I hold a brush, but there’s no soap. Looking around the whole room, I don’t find any soap.



“How am I supposed to bathe without soap?” I say to myself, not expecting an answer, only to hear one anyway.



“Haha, soap? This isn’t the master’s bathhouse, and it isn’t the women’s either. What are you doin in her lil lady?”



Before I can even turn around, I’m surrounded by a group of three guys, all naked. As I look at them, something within me stirs. A feeling of attraction deeper than just physical or mental. When I notice, I look down at the floor, trying to keep them from my vision.



“Looks like someone can’t read the sign.”



“Maybe she walked in here on purpose, look at her, naked and asking for it.”



I didn’t notice before, but now that I look, I am naked. Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone!



I need to get out of here.



As I move towards the door, I apologize.



“Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”



Before I can take another step, I’m stopped. One of the men is grabbing my arm. Turning around, I see a smirk on his face, and the urge grows stronger. I look away again, only to have the same face back in my sight. My face is now held by his other hand, forcing me to look at him.



“I think we all know you came in here on purpose, why don’t we have a bit of fun before returning to work huh?”



Behind the one holding me, I hear the other two make agreements.



“No, I’m really in the wrong bathroom, please, I-I can’t do this, something bad will happen.”



Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone.



“Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”



As he says that, he pulls me towards him, against himself. I try to push off, to shake his grip, but I can’t. He’s much too strong; it feels like I’m being held in a vice. As he holds me against himself, I feel my control start to wane, that same feeling as back in the cave creeping back up.



Using the wet floor, he sweeps his feet under mine and pulls me to the floor. The other two then begin pulling me towards the water. As I’m being pulled, I feel my mind react in kind. By the time I unwillingly reach the water, I’m once again in the backseat of my own mind, watching whatever’s about to happen unfold.



“See, we knew you wanted this, not even a scream or shout. You didn’t even try to leave; you gave up at the earliest moment.”



Wanting to deny what he said, I try to speak. What comes out is my own voice, but something is different, something about my voice sounds deeper, darker.



“You’re right, I wanted this. Now, let's see how long you guys can last.”



At the finish of the sentence, I feel my mana start to move. All I can do is watch as I cast a flame at the bottom of the bathing pool. Along with the flame, I can feel my mana change types to something non-elemental.



Skill acquired [Lust Magic LVL. 1]



Soon, I’m casting multiple [Lewd Fluid Extractions] on each of the men. As I do, I can see them visibly react, their faces flush, and they become much more energetic. Each one of the men has let go of me now; they seem to be entranced almost. Their eyes are hollow, filled with but one desire. With steam now filling the room, my body continues to cast the spell on the three men until my mana is nearly exhausted. Speaking again, I say something I don’t want to.



“Now, come to me.”



All at once, the three men pounce on top of me, my body accepting them with arms spread wide. Each one fights over me as I caress each of them and lead them. The once helpless girl stuck in the wrong bathhouse is now the one taking control of three men, having them do what she wants. As I watch from the back of my mind, I feel good. Being the one in control feels nice. Then something I never expected to happen does.



“Now you’re getting it. I’m glad you’re starting to realize there’s fun to be had here. You’re still too green though, Sophie. I’ll be finishing this on my own.”



My body, my skill, myself? Am I talking to myself? Confused about what just happened, I wait for my body to say something else, but nothing comes. While I wait for something, anything, my body keeps acting on its own.



With a shaft in both hands, and one between my feet, the men blow their load. It’s massive, covering my hands, feet, and body in semen. Soon after, I notice the semen start seeping into my skin, looking inside, I see [Lewd Fluid Conversion] is at work, turning it into experience. Something else catches my eye as I do, the conversion is much, much less than the hydra. If the hydra could supply me with a whole level, the same amount of human seed only amounts to about a twentieth of that.



Continuing to please the men, my body next moves to rotate the men's positions and accompany them in a new spot. This time, two shafts thrust back and forth between my armpits, while one lies between my thighs as I move back and forth. Only a few seconds later, the men ejaculate all over me again. Once again, it’s all absorbed through my skin and converted. Looking at the men, they seem to beg for more, raring for another round, totally unaware of their physical condition. They look dehydrated, as if they’ve been walking in the desert for hours.



Without care for themselves, they move to new positions, ready to go again. Next, my body orders them in a line. Soon, I order all three as I stand, looking down on them.



“Sit there and masturbate. Don’t cum without me telling you, if you do, I will punish you~!”



All three follow the command, sitting in place and stroking themselves, their hollow eyes staring at me. Watching over them, I move from my position to behind them. One at a time, I give each man a whisper, an ear nibble, a gentle touch. Each one sends them over the edge, sending their third load into the pool.



“Bad boys get punished, stand up and bend over.”



Following my command, each of the men does as they’re told. Picking up the brush I had dropped, I wind my arm back, and smack each of their asses with the wood end of the brush. As I do, each of them falls over, looking defeated.



“Back in position.” I say.



Repeating the same order as before, they once again sit and stroke. Once again, I do something that pushes them over the edge, hit them with the brush, and they resume the same position, looking worse for wear. I don’t think they can handle much more.



“Hey, me? I don’t think they can keep this up, just look at them.”



Once again, I’m ignored and receive no answer as the scene plays out in front of me.



“What a shame, it doesn’t look like these three can follow orders very well. Well, I’ll finish this with an easy one. Sit here, on your knees, until someone comes in.”



Saying that, I walk towards the door of the bathhouse. Exiting, I notice my “underwear” comes back. Making my way back to the front of the room where the shelves start, I take a seat on a bench, waiting for Urses. Soon, I hear a knock on the door before Urses enters.



“How was your bath Sophia?”



“Best bath I’ve had in a long time. Although I did hear some screaming through the wall on the other side, you might want to send someone to check out what that was.”



Urses, looking toward the direction of the men’s bathhouse, replies,



“Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll have someone look into it. Are you ready to be fitted?”



Nodding at him, I feel my mind once again come to the forefront as I finish my answer.



“I am.”

 

[Rolanov]

Hey everyone, I just wrote my first real sex scene for my first novel, and I don't really have any friends who will give me feedback on it. Can you guys let me know if this scene is done in a way that lets you imagine it and how well it flows from one beat to the next?

Spoiler

Opening the left door, I’m met with something similar to a bathhouse. A large open room with a large communal water source to bathe with. As I hesitantly enter, I don’t see anyone in here. Feeling a little more confident, I look around for a brush and soap, only to find one of them. In my hand, I hold a brush, but there’s no soap. Looking around the whole room, I don’t find any soap.



“How am I supposed to bathe without soap?” I say to myself, not expecting an answer, only to hear one anyway.



“Haha, soap? This isn’t the master’s bathhouse, and it isn’t the women’s either. What are you doin in her lil lady?”



Before I can even turn around, I’m surrounded by a group of three guys, all naked. As I look at them, something within me stirs. A feeling of attraction deeper than just physical or mental. When I notice, I look down at the floor, trying to keep them from my vision.



“Looks like someone can’t read the sign.”



“Maybe she walked in here on purpose, look at her, naked and asking for it.”



I didn’t notice before, but now that I look, I am naked. Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone!



I need to get out of here.



As I move towards the door, I apologize.



“Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”



Before I can take another step, I’m stopped. One of the men is grabbing my arm. Turning around, I see a smirk on his face, and the urge grows stronger. I look away again, only to have the same face back in my sight. My face is now held by his other hand, forcing me to look at him.



“I think we all know you came in here on purpose, why don’t we have a bit of fun before returning to work huh?”



Behind the one holding me, I hear the other two make agreements.



“No, I’m really in the wrong bathroom, please, I-I can’t do this, something bad will happen.”



Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone.



“Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”



As he says that, he pulls me towards him, against himself. I try to push off, to shake his grip, but I can’t. He’s much too strong; it feels like I’m being held in a vice. As he holds me against himself, I feel my control start to wane, that same feeling as back in the cave creeping back up.



Using the wet floor, he sweeps his feet under mine and pulls me to the floor. The other two then begin pulling me towards the water. As I’m being pulled, I feel my mind react in kind. By the time I unwillingly reach the water, I’m once again in the backseat of my own mind, watching whatever’s about to happen unfold.



“See, we knew you wanted this, not even a scream or shout. You didn’t even try to leave; you gave up at the earliest moment.”



Wanting to deny what he said, I try to speak. What comes out is my own voice, but something is different, something about my voice sounds deeper, darker.



“You’re right, I wanted this. Now, let's see how long you guys can last.”



At the finish of the sentence, I feel my mana start to move. All I can do is watch as I cast a flame at the bottom of the bathing pool. Along with the flame, I can feel my mana change types to something non-elemental.



Skill acquired [Lust Magic LVL. 1]



Soon, I’m casting multiple [Lewd Fluid Extractions] on each of the men. As I do, I can see them visibly react, their faces flush, and they become much more energetic. Each one of the men has let go of me now; they seem to be entranced almost. Their eyes are hollow, filled with but one desire. With steam now filling the room, my body continues to cast the spell on the three men until my mana is nearly exhausted. Speaking again, I say something I don’t want to.



“Now, come to me.”



All at once, the three men pounce on top of me, my body accepting them with arms spread wide. Each one fights over me as I caress each of them and lead them. The once helpless girl stuck in the wrong bathhouse is now the one taking control of three men, having them do what she wants. As I watch from the back of my mind, I feel good. Being the one in control feels nice. Then something I never expected to happen does.



“Now you’re getting it. I’m glad you’re starting to realize there’s fun to be had here. You’re still too green though, Sophie. I’ll be finishing this on my own.”



My body, my skill, myself? Am I talking to myself? Confused about what just happened, I wait for my body to say something else, but nothing comes. While I wait for something, anything, my body keeps acting on its own.



With a shaft in both hands, and one between my feet, the men blow their load. It’s massive, covering my hands, feet, and body in semen. Soon after, I notice the semen start seeping into my skin, looking inside, I see [Lewd Fluid Conversion] is at work, turning it into experience. Something else catches my eye as I do, the conversion is much, much less than the hydra. If the hydra could supply me with a whole level, the same amount of human seed only amounts to about a twentieth of that.



Continuing to please the men, my body next moves to rotate the men's positions and accompany them in a new spot. This time, two shafts thrust back and forth between my armpits, while one lies between my thighs as I move back and forth. Only a few seconds later, the men ejaculate all over me again. Once again, it’s all absorbed through my skin and converted. Looking at the men, they seem to beg for more, raring for another round, totally unaware of their physical condition. They look dehydrated, as if they’ve been walking in the desert for hours.



Without care for themselves, they move to new positions, ready to go again. Next, my body orders them in a line. Soon, I order all three as I stand, looking down on them.



“Sit there and masturbate. Don’t cum without me telling you, if you do, I will punish you~!”



All three follow the command, sitting in place and stroking themselves, their hollow eyes staring at me. Watching over them, I move from my position to behind them. One at a time, I give each man a whisper, an ear nibble, a gentle touch. Each one sends them over the edge, sending their third load into the pool.



“Bad boys get punished, stand up and bend over.”



Following my command, each of the men does as they’re told. Picking up the brush I had dropped, I wind my arm back, and smack each of their asses with the wood end of the brush. As I do, each of them falls over, looking defeated.



“Back in position.” I say.



Repeating the same order as before, they once again sit and stroke. Once again, I do something that pushes them over the edge, hit them with the brush, and they resume the same position, looking worse for wear. I don’t think they can handle much more.



“Hey, me? I don’t think they can keep this up, just look at them.”



Once again, I’m ignored and receive no answer as the scene plays out in front of me.



“What a shame, it doesn’t look like these three can follow orders very well. Well, I’ll finish this with an easy one. Sit here, on your knees, until someone comes in.”



Saying that, I walk towards the door of the bathhouse. Exiting, I notice my “underwear” comes back. Making my way back to the front of the room where the shelves start, I take a seat on a bench, waiting for Urses. Soon, I hear a knock on the door before Urses enters.



“How was your bath Sophia?”



“Best bath I’ve had in a long time. Although I did hear some screaming through the wall on the other side, you might want to send someone to check out what that was.”



Urses, looking toward the direction of the men’s bathhouse, replies,



“Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll have someone look into it. Are you ready to be fitted?”



Nodding at him, I feel my mind once again come to the forefront as I finish my answer.



“I am.”

careful, last time i posted something like this, the post being flagged and removed,

 

[Th3Breadnought]

I personally find it difficult to find sexual content immersive or engaging stripped of the story's broader context (see what I did there?).

I'm curious if this will get flagged and removed before you get the chance, but beyond that you might consider offering at least some genre context and what role consent does (or doesn't) play in the excerpt.

 

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

I personally find it difficult to find sexual content immersive or engaging stripped of the story's broader context (see what I did there?).

I'm curious if this will get flagged and removed before you get the chance, but beyond that you might consider offering at least some genre context and what role consent does (or doesn't) play in the excerpt.

You're right, without context it's hard to grasp.

Context: Ex-pornstar has died and been reincarnated as a succubus to save a dying world. Her goal is to become a businesswoman while also fulfilling her role. She has just left a dangerous area and has been picked up by a traveling noble boy, who makes her into a servant. When she makes it inside to be cleaned and fitted for an outfit, she walks into the wrong bathroom. There are skills at play that make her lose control and act outside of her will.

As for consent: In this context, it matters because MC wants to be done with the sex life, but her race and skills prevent her from doing so. So when she is taken over by the new version of herself, she becomes imprisoned in her mind while the 'new' her is consenting and encouraging sexual acts.

careful, last time i posted something like this, the post being flagged and removed,

How should I go about asking for feedback then? Just link to the chapter through the forum posting?

 

[eagle_360]

Needs more emotions. MC feels like a wet plank.

It's got the conversation, It's got the descriptions. Needs what the MC is feeling and thinking.

 

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

Needs more emotions. MC feels like a wet plank.

It's got the conversation, It's got the descriptions. Needs what the MC is feeling and thinking.

Thanks! It did feel as if I was missing something; the emotion of the scene is lacking.

Needs more emotions. MC feels like a wet plank.

It's got the conversation, It's got the descriptions. Needs what the MC is feeling and thinking.

Spoiler

Opening the left door, I’m met with something similar to a bathhouse. A large open room with a large communal water source to bathe with. As I hesitantly enter, I don’t see anyone in here. Feeling a little more confident, I look around for a brush and soap, only to find one of them. In my hand, I hold a brush, but there’s no soap. Looking around the whole room, I don’t find any soap.





“How am I supposed to bathe without soap?” I say to myself, not expecting an answer, only to hear one anyway.





“Haha, soap? This isn’t the master’s bathhouse, and it isn’t the women’s either. What are you doin in her lil lady?”





Before I can even turn around, I’m surrounded by a group of three guys, all naked. As I look at them, something within me stirs. A feeling of attraction deeper than just physical or mental. When I notice, I look down at the floor, trying to keep them from my vision. Just my fucking luck. I pick the wrong door, and the worst of the worst are here to capitalize on it.





I bite my lip as a different voice chimes in.





“Looks like someone can’t read the sign.”





“Maybe she walked in here on purpose, look at her, naked and asking for it.”





I didn’t notice before, but now that I look, I am naked. Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone!





I need to get out of here. Slightly shaking, I eye the door. There's no way this ends well if I stay.





As I move towards the door, I accidentally bump into one of the men and apologize.





“Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”





Before I can take another step, I’m stopped. One of the men is grabbing my arm. Fear grips me as I turn around. I see a smirk on his face, and the urge grows stronger. I look away again, only to have the same face back in my sight. My face is now held by his other hand, forcing me to look at him.





“I think we all know you came in here on purpose, just look at you shaking in excitement. Why don’t we have a bit of fun before returning to work huh?”





Behind the one holding me, I hear the other two make agreements.





“No, I’m really in the wrong bathroom, please, I-I can’t do this, something bad will happen.”





A pit in my stomach starts to form when I notice that the arm I'm being held by has stopped shaking. Any more contact than this and it's over. I don't want to lose control again.





"Please, let me go. I'm begging you!"





Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone.





“Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”





As he says that, he pulls me towards him, against himself. I feel his warmth as we touch each other, something deep in my mind craving for more. I try to push off, to shake his grip, but I can’t. He’s much too strong; it feels like I’m being held in a vice. As he holds me against himself, I feel my control start to wane, that same feeling as back in the cave creeping back up.





Using the wet floor, he sweeps his feet under mine and pulls me to the floor. The other two then begin pulling me towards the water. As I’m being pulled, I feel my mind react in kind. By the time I unwillingly reach the water, something in my mind snaps.





Ahh, it's over. I lost control again.





I’m once again in the backseat of my own mind, watching whatever’s about to happen unfold.





“See, we knew you wanted this, not even a scream or shout. You didn’t even try to leave; you gave up at the earliest moment.”





Wanting to deny what he said, I try to speak. What comes out is my own voice, but something is different, something about my voice sounds deeper, darker.





“You’re right, I wanted this. Now, let's see how long you guys can last.”





My 'new' voice makes my skin crawl. It's my own, but not; something else is there too. The words are spoken soothingly sweet, but something darker than black lingers within. At the finish of the sentence, I feel my mana start to move. All I can do is watch as I cast a flame at the bottom of the bathing pool. Along with the flame, I can feel my mana change types to something non-elemental.





Skill acquired [Lust Magic LVL. 1]





Soon, I’m casting multiple [Lewd Fluid Extractions] on each of the men. As I do, I can see them visibly react, their faces flush, and they become much more energetic. Each one of the men has let go of me now; they seem to be entranced almost. Their eyes are hollow, filled with but one desire. With steam now filling the room, my body continues to cast the spell on the three men until my mana is nearly exhausted. Speaking again, I say something I don’t want to.





“Now, come to me.”





All at once, the three men pounce on top of me, my body accepting them with arms spread wide. Each one fights over me as I caress each of them and lead them. The once helpless girl stuck in the wrong bathhouse is now the one taking control of three men, having them do what she wants. As I watch from the back of my mind, I feel unnaturally happy. Being the one in control feels nice; it should always be like this. As the thought runs through my head, something I never expected to happen does.





“Now you’re getting it. I’m glad you’re starting to realize there’s fun to be had here. You’re still too green though, Sophie. I’ll be finishing this on my own.”





My body, my skill, myself? Am I talking to myself? Confused about what just happened, I wait for my body to say something else, but nothing comes. While I wait for something, anything, my body keeps acting on its own.





With a shaft in both hands, and one between my feet, the men blow their load. It’s massive, covering my hands, feet, and body in semen. Soon after, I notice the semen start seeping into my skin, looking inside, I see [Lewd Fluid Conversion] is at work, turning it into experience. Something else catches my eye as I do, the conversion is much, much less than with the hydra. If the hydra could supply me with a whole level, the same amount of human seed only amounts to about a twentieth of that.





Continuing to please the men, my body next moves to rotate the men's positions and accompany them in a new spot. This time, two shafts thrust back and forth between my armpits, while one lies between my thighs as I move back and forth. Only a few seconds later, the men ejaculate all over me again. Once again, it’s all absorbed through my skin and converted. Looking at the men, they seem to beg for more, raring for another round, totally unaware of their physical condition. They look dehydrated, as if they’ve been walking in the desert for hours, but something about it excites me even more.





Without care for themselves, they move to new positions, ready to go again. Next, my body orders them in a line. Soon, I order all three as I stand, looking down on them.





“Sit there and masturbate. Don’t cum without me telling you, if you do, I will punish you~!”





All three follow the command, sitting in place and stroking themselves, their hollow eyes staring at me. Watching over them, I move from my position to behind them. One at a time, I give each man a whisper, an ear nibble, a gentle touch. Each one sends them over the edge, sending their third load into the pool.





“Bad boys get punished, stand up and bend over.”





Following my command, each of the men does as they’re told. Picking up the brush I had dropped, I wind my arm back, and smack each of their asses with the wood end of the brush. As I do, each of them falls over, looking defeated. The sight alone almost bringing me to climax. Looking down at myself, I've started masturbating without even noticing. Attempting to restrain myself is a valiant effort, but a futile one all the same. Looking back at the situation unfolding, I can't help but start again. Cursing myself for enjoying this.





“Back in position.” I say.





Repeating the same order as before, they once again sit and stroke. Once again, I do something that pushes them over the edge, hit them with the brush, and they resume the same position, looking worse for wear. I don’t think they can handle much more; I notice as worry breaks through my lust, considering what would happen if these three died.





“Hey, me? I don’t think they can keep this up, just look at them.”





Once again, I’m ignored and receive no answer as the scene plays out in front of me.





“What a shame, it doesn’t look like these three can follow orders very well. Well, I’ll finish this with an easy one. Sit here, on your knees, until someone comes in.”





Saying that, I walk towards the door of the bathhouse. Exiting, I notice my “underwear” comes back. Making my way back to the front of the room where the shelves start, I take a seat on a bench, waiting for Urses. Soon, I hear a knock on the door before Urses enters.





“How was your bath Sophia?”





“Best bath I’ve had in a long time. Although I did hear some screaming through the wall on the other side, you might want to send someone to check out what that was.”





My voice no longer holds the same devilry in it that it once did, but it's still not me who answers.





Urses, looking toward the direction of the men’s bathhouse, replies,





“Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll have someone look into it. Are you ready to be fitted?”





Nodding at him, I feel my mind once again come to the forefront as I finish my answer.





“I am.”

I think this version does a much better job at showing Sophia's emotions during the confrontation. I'd love your opinion on this one too.

 

[MFontana]

Hey everyone, I just wrote my first real sex scene for my first novel, and I don't really have any friends who will give me feedback on it. Can you guys let me know if this scene is done in a way that lets you imagine it and how well it flows from one beat to the next?

Spoiler

Opening the left door, I’m met with something similar to a bathhouse. A large open room with a large communal water source to bathe with. As I hesitantly enter, I don’t see anyone in here. Feeling a little more confident, I look around for a brush and soap, only to find one of them. In my hand, I hold a brush, but there’s no soap. Looking around the whole room, I don’t find any soap.

“How am I supposed to bathe without soap?” I say to myself, not expecting an answer, only to hear one anyway.

“Haha, soap? This isn’t the master’s bathhouse, and it isn’t the women’s either. What are you doin in her lil lady?”

Before I can even turn around, I’m surrounded by a group of three guys, all naked. As I look at them, something within me stirs. A feeling of attraction deeper than just physical or mental. When I notice, I look down at the floor, trying to keep them from my vision.

“Looks like someone can’t read the sign.”

“Maybe she walked in here on purpose, look at her, naked and asking for it.”

I didn’t notice before, but now that I look, I am naked. Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone!

I need to get out of here.

As I move towards the door, I apologize.

“Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”

Before I can take another step, I’m stopped. One of the men is grabbing my arm. Turning around, I see a smirk on his face, and the urge grows stronger. I look away again, only to have the same face back in my sight. My face is now held by his other hand, forcing me to look at him.

“I think we all know you came in here on purpose, why don’t we have a bit of fun before returning to work huh?”

Behind the one holding me, I hear the other two make agreements.

“No, I’m really in the wrong bathroom, please, I-I can’t do this, something bad will happen.”

Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone.

“Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”

As he says that, he pulls me towards him, against himself. I try to push off, to shake his grip, but I can’t. He’s much too strong; it feels like I’m being held in a vice. As he holds me against himself, I feel my control start to wane, that same feeling as back in the cave creeping back up.

Using the wet floor, he sweeps his feet under mine and pulls me to the floor. The other two then begin pulling me towards the water. As I’m being pulled, I feel my mind react in kind. By the time I unwillingly reach the water, I’m once again in the backseat of my own mind, watching whatever’s about to happen unfold.

“See, we knew you wanted this, not even a scream or shout. You didn’t even try to leave; you gave up at the earliest moment.”

Wanting to deny what he said, I try to speak. What comes out is my own voice, but something is different, something about my voice sounds deeper, darker.

“You’re right, I wanted this. Now, let's see how long you guys can last.”

At the finish of the sentence, I feel my mana start to move. All I can do is watch as I cast a flame at the bottom of the bathing pool. Along with the flame, I can feel my mana change types to something non-elemental.

Skill acquired [Lust Magic LVL. 1]

Soon, I’m casting multiple [Lewd Fluid Extractions] on each of the men. As I do, I can see them visibly react, their faces flush, and they become much more energetic. Each one of the men has let go of me now; they seem to be entranced almost. Their eyes are hollow, filled with but one desire. With steam now filling the room, my body continues to cast the spell on the three men until my mana is nearly exhausted. Speaking again, I say something I don’t want to.

“Now, come to me.”

All at once, the three men pounce on top of me, my body accepting them with arms spread wide. Each one fights over me as I caress each of them and lead them. The once helpless girl stuck in the wrong bathhouse is now the one taking control of three men, having them do what she wants. As I watch from the back of my mind, I feel good. Being the one in control feels nice. Then something I never expected to happen does.

“Now you’re getting it. I’m glad you’re starting to realize there’s fun to be had here. You’re still too green though, Sophie. I’ll be finishing this on my own.”

My body, my skill, myself? Am I talking to myself? Confused about what just happened, I wait for my body to say something else, but nothing comes. While I wait for something, anything, my body keeps acting on its own.

With a shaft in both hands, and one between my feet, the men blow their load. It’s massive, covering my hands, feet, and body in semen. Soon after, I notice the semen start seeping into my skin, looking inside, I see [Lewd Fluid Conversion] is at work, turning it into experience. Something else catches my eye as I do, the conversion is much, much less than the hydra. If the hydra could supply me with a whole level, the same amount of human seed only amounts to about a twentieth of that.

Continuing to please the men, my body next moves to rotate the men's positions and accompany them in a new spot. This time, two shafts thrust back and forth between my armpits, while one lies between my thighs as I move back and forth. Only a few seconds later, the men ejaculate all over me again. Once again, it’s all absorbed through my skin and converted. Looking at the men, they seem to beg for more, raring for another round, totally unaware of their physical condition. They look dehydrated, as if they’ve been walking in the desert for hours.

Without care for themselves, they move to new positions, ready to go again. Next, my body orders them in a line. Soon, I order all three as I stand, looking down on them.

“Sit there and masturbate. Don’t cum without me telling you, if you do, I will punish you~!”

All three follow the command, sitting in place and stroking themselves, their hollow eyes staring at me. Watching over them, I move from my position to behind them. One at a time, I give each man a whisper, an ear nibble, a gentle touch. Each one sends them over the edge, sending their third load into the pool.

“Bad boys get punished, stand up and bend over.”

Following my command, each of the men does as they’re told. Picking up the brush I had dropped, I wind my arm back, and smack each of their asses with the wood end of the brush. As I do, each of them falls over, looking defeated.

“Back in position.” I say.

Repeating the same order as before, they once again sit and stroke. Once again, I do something that pushes them over the edge, hit them with the brush, and they resume the same position, looking worse for wear. I don’t think they can handle much more.

“Hey, me? I don’t think they can keep this up, just look at them.”

Once again, I’m ignored and receive no answer as the scene plays out in front of me.

“What a shame, it doesn’t look like these three can follow orders very well. Well, I’ll finish this with an easy one. Sit here, on your knees, until someone comes in.”

Saying that, I walk towards the door of the bathhouse. Exiting, I notice my “underwear” comes back. Making my way back to the front of the room where the shelves start, I take a seat on a bench, waiting for Urses. Soon, I hear a knock on the door before Urses enters.

“How was your bath Sophia?”

“Best bath I’ve had in a long time. Although I did hear some screaming through the wall on the other side, you might want to send someone to check out what that was.”

Urses, looking toward the direction of the men’s bathhouse, replies,

“Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll have someone look into it. Are you ready to be fitted?”

Nodding at him, I feel my mind once again come to the forefront as I finish my answer.

“I am.”

First off, as a matter of personal preferences, I'd drop this real quick, as I'm not overly fond of reading first-person stuff. This, isn't anything good, or bad, on your side from a technical standpoint, so I'm distancing this from the following critique and feedback, and focusing primarily on the technical aspects and execution.

Second point I should mention before I get started, is that I don't actively read much erotica, and sex scenes are NOT my area of expertise.

I'll be critiquing based solely on what you've presented in the sample, and whether it meets my literary standards from a technical viewpoint.

Okay... on a scale of one to ten, I'd have to give it a 2, at best, out of 10. It honestly reads like a bad porno, and not quality literature by any means, even for a light-novel's brevity-driven style. Though, for a first attempt this isn't an unreasonable outcome.
There's minimal character inter-play, virtually zero depth or detail, and very little emotional investment on any of the character's parts.
Additionally, the entire scene feels rushed.
There's zero build-up, and virtually no actual tension between the characters, with the men feeling more like interchangeable set-pieces or props, for the sake of the scene, rather than people in the moment. It's fine to not name them here, because from what I've gathered your protagonist doesn't know their names, and since you're writing in first person, sticking to that lack of knowledge helps to maintain the narrative's perspective throughout.

You've got the bare-bones for a scene premise, sure, but that's honestly all it is here.

The best elements, admittedly, were the LitRPG integrations. They were sharp and direct without pulling away from the story. The skill names could probably due with some refinement, and their execution and integration into the narrative has a lot of room for improvement as well, primarily focused on the "why" and "how" are they relevant to the scene, but at the very least, it is quite similar to how other light-novels have integrated things like the skills or spells, and the absolutely most important part, they didn't detract from the narrative in favor of extensive character stat sheets (which I have seen far too much of for my liking).

On a technical aspect, your biggest issue with the scene overall, is the pacing. Throughout the sample you're over-reliant on short staccato bursts and one-line/one sentence paragraphs, which isn't conducive to letting a scene breathe and linger as it needs to.

Short and curt sentences are great when they are used infrequently for accenting specific moments, or showcasing character thoughts or rapid dialogue exchanges, however they allow minimal room for narrative depth, and the overreliance creates a more uniform structure that doesn't truly help your narrative.

Bearing in mind, that this was also your first attempt at a sex scene, and for your first novel as well, I'm giving a bit of leniency with the critique. I've also read (and written myself) worse than what you've got here when I was starting out.

As advice, I can offer the following:
1) You should want every scene (sex scene or otherwise) to serve your overall narrative, and to build or expand character depth.
2) If it doesn't enhance character depth, advance the narrative (plot), or serve some other narrative goal, it doesn't belong in the story. Plain and simple.
3) Going off what you said about the character, you should definitely (and I do mean DEFINITELY) refer to Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles for reference, and may want to present the Succubus' inherent nature in a similar way to how she presents Vampires, with an insatiable hunger that does, eventually, win out over the character's humanity and conscious choice.
4) Show the character's struggles. Her thoughts. Her feelings. And let the moment build. Take things slow, and steady. Let every scene breathe as long as it needs to, and don't rush yourself, or your writing, from story beat to story beat.
5) Build a character dynamic. A push-and-pull between the characters over one, or more, chapters, before the "payoff" and sex scene. Especially if your character doesn't initially WANT to have sex, but inevitably gives in to her innate urges and hunger.
6) She is a Succubus, don't be afraid to let her behave like one. Hungry. Predatory, Suggestive. Seductive. and most prominently, ruthless. If her instincts take over, these men aren't people to her. They're food, or toys, or playthings for her amusement. There's bonus points for letting her struggle against those urges as they slowly win-out over her conscious mind. As a tip, start with little, subconscious gestures.
Licking her lips, tracing them with a fingertip, a subtle hungry gleam in her eyes, a confident saunter, a playful but pronounced sway to her hips with every step. As a few examples.

Keep it up, and don't let this critique discourage you. You've got potential, and there's plenty of room for growth.

 

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

Thanks for the extensive review. I appreciate it. I think you're right in saying the scene feels rushed, and that's probably due to my giving myself an arbitrary word count I wanted each chapter to be at. I've come to learn it doesn't help focusing on word count or how long or short you want the chapter to be if it doesn't portray what you want to properly.

I'd like to explain my thought process on each of your points and get your opinion on each, if you don't mind. By no means am I trying to argue with your critique; I'm glad you took the time to make one.

There's minimal character inter-play, virtually zero depth or detail, and very little emotional investment on any of the character's parts.
Additionally, the entire scene feels rushed.
There's zero build-up, and virtually no actual tension between the characters, with the men feeling more like interchangeable set-pieces or props, for the sake of the scene, rather than people in the moment.

I agree here, as noted above, I pretty much did that to myself. I felt like giving them minimal character and using them only as a plot device to progress the MC would be fine here. I still think so to some extent, just that it could have been handled much better.

The skill names could probably due with some refinement, and their execution and integration into the narrative has a lot of room for improvement as well, primarily focused on the "why" and "how" are they relevant to the scene

Here, I think more context is needed outside of just the scene to justify the choices made. Initially, when MC first arrives in the new world, she learns about the skill descriptions in the moment. The "why" and "how" are set on the expectation that the reader remembers the description instead of ruining the flow of the scene to reintroduce the effects. I also think that through the action of using the skill, it should additionally let the reader know it is somehow useful in the situation. Given the exact situation where she has lost control of herself, I think it is within reason not to expect a "I'm doing this because," kind of line. As for the names of the skill, I'm not too sure what you mean by refine. I'd like to have them simple enough for a reader to infer what it does from its name. Could you give an example of how you would refine any one of the skills?

On a technical aspect, your biggest issue with the scene overall, is the pacing. Throughout the sample you're over-reliant on short staccato bursts and one-line/one sentence paragraphs, which isn't conducive to letting a scene breathe and linger as it needs to.

After some research into this, I also agree. I now understand better how to make those sentences feel cohesive instead of individual. The one-line/one-paragraph note is also another thing I should fix. Alone, they both take away from the reading experience; together, it's amplified. That feeling was unintended, and I will try to resolve it going forward.

1) You should want every scene (sex scene or otherwise) to serve your overall narrative, and to build or expand character depth.
2) If it doesn't enhance character depth, advance the narrative (plot), or serve some other narrative goal, it doesn't belong in the story. Plain and simple.

I think I was too focused on advancing MC's character depth and neglected the other characters who make up the majority of the chapter.

3) Going off what you said about the character, you should definitely (and I do mean DEFINITELY) refer to Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles for reference, and may want to present the Succubus' inherent nature in a similar way to how she presents Vampires, with an insatiable hunger that does, eventually, win out over the character's humanity and conscious choice.
4) Show the character's struggles. Her thoughts. Her feelings. And let the moment build. Take things slow, and steady. Let every scene breathe as long as it needs to, and don't rush yourself, or your writing, from story beat to story beat.

For the first point, I wanted to purposely subvert the succubus' nature by having an MC that is one, but not by choice. In the previous and ongoing chapters, she is struggling with the fact that she's a succubus that doesn't want to do succubus things. Combining the last point of 3 and the first of 4, I think I've done that outside of this chapter and inside this chapter (specifically the revision). In an early chapter, she grapples with losing control of herself to her succubus desires, while in this chapter, she learns a piece as to why she's losing control. In both instantances I think I adequately describe what she's feeling and her concern for what's going to happen. Final point of 4, as stated already, I agree and will do my best going forward to do so.

5) Build a character dynamic. A push-and-pull between the characters over one, or more, chapters, before the "payoff" and sex scene. Especially if your character doesn't initially WANT to have sex, but inevitably gives in to her innate urges and hunger.

Because of the way I write, I didn't have much of an idea where this chapter was going to go. I ended up writing the scene as a plot progression point to a plot thread I came up with on the spot. Between my inadvertent hampering of the scene through focusing too much on word count and making it up as I go, the scene feels flat as a result.

6) She is a Succubus, don't be afraid to let her behave like one. Hungry. Predatory, Suggestive. Seductive. and most prominently, ruthless. If her instincts take over, these men aren't people to her. They're food, or toys, or playthings for her amusement. There's bonus points for letting her struggle against those urges as they slowly win-out over her conscious mind. As a tip, start with little, subconscious gestures.
Licking her lips, tracing them with a fingertip, a subtle hungry gleam in her eyes, a confident saunter, a playful but pronounced sway to her hips with every step. As a few examples.

The implications of this chapter are the layout for this point going forward. She's got an inner voice fulfilling the succubus' desires while her main consciousness tries to fight it. In future chapters, I plan on exploring her either coming to terms with the voice or attempting alternative methods to silence it. She was reborn as a succubus because she fits one perfectly; she just wants to deny it as much as possible. Whether she gives in or continues to fight it, even I don't know!

Once again, I thank you for your great review. Hopefully, I'll be able to implement your suggestions properly and improve my storytelling. Maybe even enough to get you to read it, who knows ;)

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

That was the oddest 'sex' scene I think I have ever read.

Was that spell like, auto ejaculate/zero refractory period/mind control for the guys or something?

Cause... that isn't how that would work... unless you're like a queen succubus or something like that... (or whatever it's your book)

It was almost like it wasn't a sex scene at all, even though it was nearly 1500 words...

This first-person perspective is jarring to read.

There were few descriptions of what was going on, or an indication of time passage... it was like, " Hey girl, you know you want... and suddenly you're all dominatrix, and then it's over...

I usually write more love scenes, but I have stepped into the Maledom side a fair amount in one of my two primary works, and I think you need to consider reading a bit more smut within your genre... unless you were just planning for your MC to be a backseat driver describing the weather outside or something along those lines. "Oh look, they came after a few seconds... lets do it again."

 

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

Thank you for your reply and review. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm sorry to hear it didn't land right with you either. I'd like to address each point you bring up and ask for your opinion about what I could've done better.

Was that spell like, auto ejaculate/zero refractory period/mind control for the guys or something?

Cause... that isn't how that would work... unless you're like a queen succubus or something like that...

It's magic, so in my head, I gave it some leniencies that should be properly explained within the story itself, and I failed to do so in its description. The magic is more along the lines of using the life force of the organism to hyperproduce sperm and increase ejaculate capacity, while also decreasing refractory periods to allow for more collection. In combination with the lust magic she learned, it was along the lines of increasing lust to the point they only think about her and supplying them with the energy to go a couple of consecutive rounds. Without proper context, I see how the magic can be misinterpreted. I realize now context matters a lot when it comes to reviewing a snippet of a story.

This first-person perspective is jarring to read.

Could you explain why? @MFontana mentioned they dislike first person, and you echo that at least the way mine done is improper. What can be improved, or why does it feel jarring?

There were few descriptions of what was going on, or an indication of time passage... it was like, " Hey girl, you know you want... and suddenly you're all dominatrix, and then it's over...

I've received feedback that the scene was rushed, and looking over it, I agree. I'll take the time to edit it and give it the time it needs.

unless you were just planning for your MC to be a backseat driver describing the weather outside or something along those lines. "Oh look, they came after a few seconds... lets do it again."

Your description isn't too far off, but the reaction is much different. Once again, without context, this part falls flat. MC has lost control before, and this is the second time. Now that it's happening again, she encounters something she didn't before: her inner voice. At this point, she's being controlled, and while it's happening, she's trying to find out what's controlling her.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Could you explain why? @MFontana mentioned they dislike first person, and you echo that at least the way mine done is improper. What can be improved, or why does it feel jarring?

Because it's all first person and in chopped up sentences/paragraphs...

This should be done mostly from third person, with only some of her thoughts in first person IMO... the way it is now makes it feel wooden...clinical even.


Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone.



“Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”


You don't need this giant gap.

Surrounding me again, the one holding me speaks in a joking tone. “Don’t worry, cutie; we’ll be sure to pull out. If you get pregnant, the master will have our heads anyway. We’ll be sure to make this enjoyable for you too, don’t worry.”



----------------------------------------------

I didn’t notice before, but now that I look, I am naked. Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone!



I need to get out of here.



As I move towards the door, I apologize.



“Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”



Before I can take another step, I’m stopped. One of the men is grabbing my arm. Turning around, I see a smirk on his face, and the urge grows stronger. I look away again, only to have the same face back in my sight. My face is now held by his other hand, forcing me to look at him.


Giant gaps, you could clean this up a bit



She hadn't noticed before, but now she was very aware that she was naked.

Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone! I need to get out of here! (I use Italics in my writing to indicate the current character's thoughts from a first person pov. You could just "I think something" MC thought)

As she moved towards the door, she apologized. “Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”

Before she could take another step, she was stopped, one of the men grabbing her arm. The predatory smirk on his face caused the urge inside her to grow stronger. She tried to look away again, only to have the man roughly grab her face, forcing her to look at him.

 

[DismaiNaim]

My will to read this exhausted by the point where you start on something like lewd fluid extraction something like that.

Without the surrounding context, this reads like cheap porn. In the first paragraph you have oddly placed adverbs, this this redundancy:

Feeling a little more confident, I look around for a brush and soap, only to find one of them. In my hand, I hold a brush, but there’s no soap. Looking around the whole room, I don’t find any soap

There's very little setting, no sensory details, no plot development, no character development. The men are just generic slabs who exist for one purpose and have no personality; they don't even look like anything. Then the little dialogue I slogged through feels perfunctory, like you shove these lines in there to tell the reader something.

Anyway for contrast here's mine. I won't say if it's good or bad, you can decide for yourself: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/967246-a-place-to-bloom/chapter/2009370/

 

[Bimbanana]

Don't worry dude, If you can make it last more than 30 minutes that means your pacing is fine

 

[Jay_Nyctbloom]

This should be done mostly from third person, with only some of her thoughts in first person IMO... the way it is now makes it feel wooden...clinical even.

She hadn't noticed before, but now she was very aware that she was naked.

Where did my covering go? It was there before I entered the room, now it’s gone! I need to get out of here! (I use Italics in my writing to indicate the current character's thoughts from a first person pov. You could just "I think something" MC thought)

As she moved towards the door, she apologized. “Sorry, I can’t read. This is the wrong bathroom. I’ll go to the other one.”

Before she could take another step, she was stopped, one of the men grabbing her arm. The predatory smirk on his face caused the urge inside her to grow stronger. She tried to look away again, only to have the man roughly grab her face, forcing her to look at him.

I guess I now understand the preference aspect of first vs third person. Most of the novels and stories I read are in first person. When I'm reading, it feels like I can immerse myself better in the story. Third person reads to me like I'm just spectating something happening, zero connection to the events. The descriptions are the same, but the feeling behind them hit very differently, at least for me. As for the actual writing and technical aspect, I will work on and refine it.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

I guess I now understand the preference aspect of first vs third person. Most of the novels and stories I read are in first person. When I'm reading, it feels like I can immerse myself better in the story. Third person reads to me like I'm just spectating something happening, zero connection to the events. The descriptions are the same, but the feeling behind them hit very differently, at least for me. As for the actual writing and technical aspect, I will work on and refine it.

Yeah, it's a preference.

Honestly, reading something primarily in first person is really, really weird to me. Most novels I have read since I started reading them 30 years ago are written primarily in 3rd person with very little 1st person sprinkled in.

 

[MFontana]

Thanks for the extensive review. I appreciate it. I think you're right in saying the scene feels rushed, and that's probably due to my giving myself an arbitrary word count I wanted each chapter to be at. I've come to learn it doesn't help focusing on word count or how long or short you want the chapter to be if it doesn't portray what you want to properly.

You're welcome, and as long as the critique helped you with something, then it served its purpose.
You've also clearly learned something very important here to better develop your writing. Word-count is not the point of any given chapter.
It's fine to have a general target range (which you'll figure out for yourself as you start writing more frequently what yours is), but don't let that constrain your chapters. They should, first and foremost, be as long as they need to be. Or as short. (Generally, you'll want to aim for between 2500 and 5000 words / chapter, but it's fine to go over that).

I'd like to explain my thought process on each of your points and get your opinion on each, if you don't mind. By no means am I trying to argue with your critique; I'm glad you took the time to make one.

==
There's minimal character inter-play, virtually zero depth or detail, and very little emotional investment on any of the character's parts.
Additionally, the entire scene feels rushed.
There's zero build-up, and virtually no actual tension between the characters, with the men feeling more like interchangeable set-pieces or props, for the sake of the scene, rather than people in the moment.
==

I agree here, as noted above, I pretty much did that to myself. I felt like giving them minimal character and using them only as a plot device to progress the MC would be fine here. I still think so to some extent, just that it could have been handled much better.

Just about everything that you did for development there was surface-level. For a novice, that's to be expected so don't beat yourself up too much over it (I've also done much worse when I was just starting out). It could be handled better, and as you revise with that in mind, I'm confident you will also do better than your first attempt. Keep this in mind as well. The men themselves here do NOT need to be fully developed. You can get away with that while writing in the first person, specifically with the character premise you're running with.
You can even use their lack of development as a subtle means of showcasing her innate feelings towards them to better showcase your protagonist's internal struggle against her instincts as a succubus. (She herself doesn't know who they are, and is fighting with her instincts because that's how you described what you wanted her to be like; but at the innate, instinctual, level, she doesn't care who they are. She wants to feed, and they're present and "an easy meal".) You can create that push-pull tension through her inner conflict and struggle here.
For that to really land, if there is any dialogue between them, have them use names for one-another.

==
The skill names could probably due with some refinement, and their execution and integration into the narrative has a lot of room for improvement as well, primarily focused on the "why" and "how" are they relevant to the scene.
==
Here, I think more context is needed outside of just the scene to justify the choices made. Initially, when MC first arrives in the new world, she learns about the skill descriptions in the moment. The "why" and "how" are set on the expectation that the reader remembers the description instead of ruining the flow of the scene to reintroduce the effects. I also think that through the action of using the skill, it should additionally let the reader know it is somehow useful in the situation. Given the exact situation where she has lost control of herself, I think it is within reason not to expect a "I'm doing this because," kind of line. As for the names of the skill, I'm not too sure what you mean by refine. I'd like to have them simple enough for a reader to infer what it does from its name. Could you give an example of how you would refine any one of the skills?

I certainly can give you a few examples. Personally, I'd start with the revising the names. As a few examples of some that are actually standard "succubus" abilities in my own LitRPG series and setting for reference. And yes, you can use them too if it please you. They're all basically inspired by myth and legend, so they aren't my "intellectual property".

• Drain Essence - By tempting a victim into a prolonged act of passion, the succubus can use this skill to drain their lifeforce and mana.
• Enthrall - A succubus can with a look, or touch, overwhelm a target's willpower to make them into a thrall to her powers. (This is a charm / mind-affecting effect, and persists for a duration of up to twenty four hours)
• Incite Arousal - A succubus can, through a touch, cause a victim to become aroused (this does cause a full hard-on in male subjects, ignoring any refractory period). This is a supernatural ability that requires no chant, or other spell components.

The rest of the refinement, would be to describe their use actively, when they are being used rather than just dropping the skill name and saying they're being used. (A common shortcoming in a lot of LitRPG stories I've read is the lack of detail on skill use).

Towards that end, this excerpt here is from one of my own stories where I made a personal effort to correct that in my own writing. The purpose of this, is just to give you one example of describing the skills being used beyond simply dropping the skill names. (And yes, LitRPG stories DO expect skill names to be included as well, so definitely keep them in the story if that's the genre you're writing in).
This excerpt, I should also note, is being presented through Morrigan's limited-third perspective as she is watching the moment unfold.

Spoiler: Bel's Skill Combo - Duskfall, Chapter 2 Excerpt

"NOW!" Lucius shouted, and a soft PING sounded in her ear to announce the target. One of the Shamans, and over said Shaman's head hung a translucent ruby arrow marked with a bright 'X'.

As if she were waiting for that moment, Bel lunged forwards, vanishing in a burst of shadow to reappear directly beside the marked shaman. With only the time for it to form a shocked expression on its face before the fiendling woman exploded into motion.

A shimmering gleam in her eyes that promised certain death was the only warning preceding that explosive burst of motion during which a total of nine strikes happened in a single breath.

Opening with her Arterial Strike as her dagger bit deep into the Shaman's upper arm before the dagger in her off-hand found home and bit into its exposed chest with Crescent Moon Slash.

That first dagger struck again, biting deep into his thick and meaty shoulder while now coated with a mystical poison, the signature of her Viper's Bite dagger attack technique, followed by a paired thrust that bit deep into the Ork's muscled chest and afflicted it with the 'Debilitating Wound' condition, the staple of her Heartpiercer technique.

A series of three quick strikes followed. Main-hand, Off-hand, Main-hand, in a gracefully flowing dance; the Flashing Blades martial technique that always preceded her acrobatic finisher, Death Blossom.

The technique in which she leapt into the air, flipping over the target, and landing behind them, all the while striking at their throat and driving the blades of her daggers into each side of the victim's neck before landing behind them in a graceful crouch as the Ork shaman collapsed behind her, its life stolen by her blades in that brief moment of time.

==
On a technical aspect, your biggest issue with the scene overall, is the pacing. Throughout the sample you're over-reliant on short staccato bursts and one-line/one sentence paragraphs, which isn't conducive to letting a scene breathe and linger as it needs to.
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After some research into this, I also agree. I now understand better how to make those sentences feel cohesive instead of individual. The one-line/one-paragraph note is also another thing I should fix. Alone, they both take away from the reading experience; together, it's amplified. That feeling was unintended, and I will try to resolve it going forward.

Working to fix that will, for certain, elevate your prose and writing-style from amateur towards professional-level literature. It's a long road to be sure, but that is one of the most common amateur mistakes I've seen as well. Paragraphs should, on average, be between three and five sentences. They can go longer, or shorter, but that should be done sparingly so those beats land as they must.

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1) You should want every scene (sex scene or otherwise) to serve your overall narrative, and to build or expand character depth.
2) If it doesn't enhance character depth, advance the narrative (plot), or serve some other narrative goal, it doesn't belong in the story. Plain and simple.
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I think I was too focused on advancing MC's character depth and neglected the other characters who make up the majority of the chapter.

The question you should really be asking yourself, is what purpose does this scene serve in the narrative I am trying to tell?
If there is one, then keep it, and work on polishing it. If there isn't one, then cut it. The same for the characters. This can be tough to see sometimes as an author, so it generally is a good idea to ask for feedback and critiques on here. Other people may see things that you've missed.

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3) Going off what you said about the character, you should definitely (and I do mean DEFINITELY) refer to Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles for reference, and may want to present the Succubus' inherent nature in a similar way to how she presents Vampires, with an insatiable hunger that does, eventually, win out over the character's humanity and conscious choice.
4) Show the character's struggles. Her thoughts. Her feelings. And let the moment build. Take things slow, and steady. Let every scene breathe as long as it needs to, and don't rush yourself, or your writing, from story beat to story beat.
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For the first point, I wanted to purposely subvert the succubus' nature by having an MC that is one, but not by choice. In the previous and ongoing chapters, she is struggling with the fact that she's a succubus that doesn't want to do succubus things. Combining the last point of 3 and the first of 4, I think I've done that outside of this chapter and inside this chapter (specifically the revision). In an early chapter, she grapples with losing control of herself to her succubus desires, while in this chapter, she learns a piece as to why she's losing control. In both instantances I think I adequately describe what she's feeling and her concern for what's going to happen. Final point of 4, as stated already, I agree and will do my best going forward to do so.

Yeah, I saw that comment earlier too. Personally, I think it's an exceptional premise (Isekai elements or not). I've only ever seen something similar done once before... and she turned out to be one of my favorite characters in the entirety of the game. (Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous, Arushalae for those who are wondering).
She is also a succubus, who is fighting against her innate nature, and it made her one of the most compelling characters in the game.
That said, the struggle shouldn't be a one-and-done thing. It should be a constant element throughout, if that's what you're aiming for.
I love the idea, and was only trying to help you build upon that in your own way.
Let the struggles breathe. Let them linger on the page. Don't be afraid to do a deep-dive into her thoughts, and feelings. That's one of the stronger elements your can really bring out in the first-person PoV.

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5) Build a character dynamic. A push-and-pull between the characters over one, or more, chapters, before the "payoff" and sex scene. Especially if your character doesn't initially WANT to have sex, but inevitably gives in to her innate urges and hunger.
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Because of the way I write, I didn't have much of an idea where this chapter was going to go. I ended up writing the scene as a plot progression point to a plot thread I came up with on the spot. Between my inadvertent hampering of the scene through focusing too much on word count and making it up as I go, the scene feels flat as a result.

That is an accurate self-assessment of the scene. It's fine to write that way, and it's good that you're asking for feedback. Though, you'll want to generally try to picture where you want the story to go, or what you want to happen. Then gradually build up to it. It's not the greatest metaphor, but try to think of your characters as onions. They have multiple layers, and as the story progresses, you peel away the outer-most layer to reveal what lies beneath it.

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6) She is a Succubus, don't be afraid to let her behave like one. Hungry. Predatory, Suggestive. Seductive. and most prominently, ruthless. If her instincts take over, these men aren't people to her. They're food, or toys, or playthings for her amusement. There's bonus points for letting her struggle against those urges as they slowly win-out over her conscious mind. As a tip, start with little, subconscious gestures.
Licking her lips, tracing them with a fingertip, a subtle hungry gleam in her eyes, a confident saunter, a playful but pronounced sway to her hips with every step. As a few examples.
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The implications of this chapter are the layout for this point going forward. She's got an inner voice fulfilling the succubus' desires while her main consciousness tries to fight it. In future chapters, I plan on exploring her either coming to terms with the voice or attempting alternative methods to silence it. She was reborn as a succubus because she fits one perfectly; she just wants to deny it as much as possible. Whether she gives in or continues to fight it, even I don't know!

That is (as I only just finished saying) a brilliant premise. It isn't one seen too often, and shines with originality and creativity.
As a suggestion, perhaps you may want to consider having her have "internal" arguments with herself. Or even have a "name" for her "inner-self" to personify her innate hunger and instincts.
You can also SHOW that influence on her through subtle sub-conscious actions she takes in the scenes (which admittedly lends itself better to third-person PoV).

Once again, I thank you for your great review. Hopefully, I'll be able to implement your suggestions properly and improve my storytelling. Maybe even enough to get you to read it, who knows ;)

Again, you've very welcome. I just hope it helps you.
That said, I'm always going to be honest, to ensure that expectations are reasonable. To that end, I have to say this.
Unless you're planning to rewrite everything in third-person I probably won't be in your target audience because of my personal reading preferences, and thus, I probably will not read the story in-full, no matter how good it turns out to be.
This is entirely because I do not enjoy reading fiction in the first-person PoV. All this means, is that I'm not in your target audience, and that too, is fine. You'll never be able to please everyone, no matter what you try to do, or write. So write what YOU want, HOW you want. Write it for your target audience, and your readers will find you, and your work.

Your choice for PoV should be your own, and it shouldn't be shaped by anyone else, because it is YOUR story. So if you like reading and writing in First-Person, then do it. I'll never tell you not to, and will (occasionally, if I see the feedback requests) pop in to offer critique and insights.