Is my action scene easy to follow, or am I overdoing it?

[Planetdoom]

I recently posted a new chapter for my story "A Second Chance To Ruin" on Scribble Hub, and it includes my first attempt at writing an action scene.

I’d really appreciate some feedback, especially on a few specific things:

• Does the pacing feel smooth or rushed?
• Is the action easy to follow and visualize?
• Does the scene feel engaging or lacking tension?

You don’t need full context to check it out, but if anything feels confusing, feel free to point that out too, that would help a lot!

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2116848/a-second-chance-to-ruin/

 

[LuciferVermillion]

I recently posted a new chapter for my story "A Second Chance To Ruin" on Scribble Hub, and it includes my first attempt at writing an action scene.

I’d really appreciate some feedback, especially on a few specific things:

• Does the pacing feel smooth or rushed?
• Is the action easy to follow and visualize?
• Does the scene feel engaging or lacking tension?

You don’t need full context to check it out, but if anything feels confusing, feel free to point that out too, that would help a lot!

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2116848/a-second-chance-to-ruin/

46 chapters, so which chapter is the action scene? I only came here for the action scene, not skimming through every short chapters.

 

[Planetdoom]

46 chapters, so which chapter is the action scene? I only came here for the action scene, not skimming through every short chapters.

It is chapter 46, the most recent.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

It is chapter 46, the most recent.

A very loooooooong chapter. I get why you want to put it that way. You don't want to leave it as a cliffhanger.

Anyways, your scenes aren't too shabby, you are trying to write a dominant enemy and I understood your scenes.


But apparently, I guess this is what "show, don't tell" means here. It's awfully lacking in character voice and tension.

You aren't making me, your reader, feeling hot blooded. The entire fight felt too chill and relaxed.

His thoughts are cut off as a knee slams into his face.

He staggers back, his nose breaking as blood sprays. He turns, facing away from Alice.

“You seem distracted. You need to pay more attention,” Alice taunts, pressing forward. She rushes in, ready to land the finishing blow—

But she walks straight into his trap.

Maliketh pivots and brings his hand down, slamming the top of her head and driving her into the ground. She bounces on impact before he grabs her by the neck.

“Damn beast… I hate your kind. So annoying. So insignificant,” he growls, staring into her eyes.

He grips her head with both hands.

“Your blood deserves to be spilled.”

Before anyone can react—

He crushes her skull.

Fragments of bone and blood scatter as her body goes limp. His face is drenched as he lets her corpse fall.

He licks his lips.

“Delicious.”

He smiles, almost gently, already feeling the effects of the mana-infused blood.

"Gah--!?"
Maliketh's thoughts were cut off the moment a knee ram into his face. He staggered a few steps backwards before regaining his posture.
Blood spills from his broken nose.
"Damned beast!" Maliketh roared.
"You seemed distracted." Alice smirked as she pressed forward, aiming to land the finishing blow. "Might as well pay attention--"
"Insolent."
Maliketh slammed his fist at Alice.
"GAAHHH--!!?"
The power was so great that Alice bounced back up from the shock, only to collapse later.
Maliketh grabs her at her face, lifting her. Alice struggled, but she couldn't break free.
"...I've always hated your kind."
CRACK--
Maliketh crushed her skull, just like that. He drank what's left of her fluids and tossed her aside like a sack of trash.
"...delicious."

 

[Snakes_Emperor]

It is chapter 46, the most recent.

I gave it a try too ^^,

So the scenes are quite easy to follow, we have a pretty good idea of the way the fight, the actions, and the overall skill unfold.
Tho, i'm not really used to the "light" Novel style, so it may be the reason why I found it somewhat suffocating to read at some point.

Well, the negative now.

As Lucifer up there said, there is some issue with the character, but not their voices per say, more... the PoV character. From one line to another, it's rarely the same, sometimes it's the antagonist ( that I actually liked, but would have maybe made more noble, like doing petty things like spending mana to keep his dresses dust-free... ).
The issue with PoV jumping is: ok, we know that both characters are important, yes, but I'd say you should have focused on a single one, and make the other somewhat understand his thoughts, or general idea, with his body language.

For example, a part where you nailed it, is when we are with Maliketh PoV when he is fighting against the reinforcement. We see and witness the thing from his eyes; we can get off feeble they are for him, and how he enjoys the slow execution of them all... then Alfo comes back, and it's again, sometimes, not "confusing" but more "jarring" to follow.

So I'd say, stick to a single point of view for longer periods, then, if truly needed, switch to another one, but more to show your reader the fight from a different perspective.

Keep writing and keep striving ^^
With practice and feedbacks, it will all come together.