I went through the first chapter and there's a lot to pick up on.
"Callum can you go get some groceries from the local shop please”.
Two things to consider here. Firstly this has to be the most tepid introductory sentence to a story I've ever read! You should try and hook the reader in with something that... isn't a request to go shopping. Callum is playing a video game so you could use that creatively for an opening paragraph that is more high stakes.
Secondly, this is supposed to be an abusive mother. Why would an abuse mother ask "can you", and "please"?
I turned my head from the screen of the latest FPS shooter game that I was playing, 'Fall of Duty Blue Ops 4', prepared my lungs before bellowing downstairs.
We do not need to know the name of the game, nor should you use a name that is a play on words on a popular games franchise in real life. It needlessly pulls the reader out of the story.
You do not need to let the reader know that the main character is preparing his lungs. We the reader assume that naturally because we know he is bellowing.
With that said, why is our character who is meant to be in an abusive household daring to answer back, daring to raise his voice and do anything other than be submissive? Why is Callum not immediately obeying out of fear of physical and psychological torment that awaits him if he steps out of line?
Callum sounds like a teenage brat asked to do the washing or watch his younger sibling for 5 minutes, not a victim of abuse.
"HEY MUM I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOD GAME, CAN'T LINZY DO IT!"
Please stop screaming at the reader. Avoid all caps.
Well, I always thought that my mum was a bit tone deaf.
A victim of abuse would likely be too scared to even think something like this.
"Do you know how many f*cking goddamn hours"
Do not censor swear words in fiction.
School’s starting tomorrow and I'm not allowed on consoles during the week. I'll have to wait until next damn weekend. Curse you mum’.
I'm laughing at this kid. I already hate him. He sounds spoilt and whiny.
Oh yh, by the way
Do not shorten words like this in prose, or even in dialogue. It's "yeah".
I was going to stop reading here as I think I've given you enough to work on but I'm so glad I read the next line.
I forgot to mention that my sister Linzy 'the role model', was a spoiled asshole. She was so entitled to an extent that it was honestly revolting.
I'm sure at this point I don't have to explain why this is so funny to me.
I'll stop now because I don't want to pick up every single bit. Your writing is not terrible it is inexperienced.
The main problem with your writing is you are having difficulty giving your characters a distinctive voice as well as clearly communicating the type of situation you desire (abusive household). Your approach to abuse is naïve and would either be insulting or (in my case) simply funny to someone with any understanding of the actual horror of toxic familial relationships .
www.scribblehub.com
