Tempokai
The Overworked One
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2021
- Messages
- 1,397
- Points
- 153
Ah, dear "owotrucked," the tortured artist behind the illustrious work "Harem of Moms and Milkers," how we pity your struggle. It must be such a Herculean task to resist the siren call of turning your narratives into tawdry spectacles of debauchery every time a female character waltzes into the scene. Fear not, for the Sardonic Storyteller is here to bestow upon you the sacred, sarcastic scriptures of narrative restraint.
Step 2: The Art of Platonic Female Characters Every time a female character graces your plot, resist the urge to strip her down faster than a banana in a gorilla's grip. Instead, think of her as a fully-clothed, respectable human being with her own aspirations and dreams—ones that don't involve being part of your impromptu bacchanal. Give her a backstory that's richer than a trust fund kid's allowance and depth that rivals a philosophy major's existential crisis.
Step 3: Dialogue Over Décolletage When your brain, against your better judgment, starts drifting towards the gutter, divert that energy into crafting dialogue that doesn’t sound like it belongs in a late-night Cinemax feature. Let your female characters discuss quantum physics, medieval history, or even the lamentable state of modern art—anything to keep them from becoming fodder for your primal urges.
Step 4: Tantalizing Temptations When the temptation to indulge in a narrative orgy becomes unbearable, channel your frustration into creating plot twists that would make M. Night Shyamalan gasp. Instead of tearing their clothes off, tear their lives apart with shocking revelations, betrayals, or, heaven forbid, a love triangle that doesn’t end in a steamy romp.
Step 5: The Red Herring Romance Introduce a romantic subplot that goes nowhere. Tease your readers with a potential romance that’s about as satisfying as decaf coffee. Let your characters exchange longing glances, have awkward moments, and then—boom—rip it all away with the cruel hands of fate. Not only will this keep your female characters out of the bedroom, but it will also leave your readers begging for closure you’ll never give.
Step 6: The Mentor Method Create a wise, asexual mentor character whose sole purpose is to smack you—figuratively, of course—every time your narrative begins to take a licentious turn. This character should be armed with sage advice, scathing wit, and a disapproving glare that would make your high school principal proud.
Step 7: Subvert the Stereotype Turn the tables on your readers’ expectations. Whenever they anticipate a gratuitous scene, hit them with a deep, emotional moment instead. Let your characters have genuine connections that don’t involve the exchange of bodily fluids. Surprise your audience with your newfound maturity, and they might just stick around for more than the cheap thrills.
Step 8: External Interventions Whenever you feel the overwhelming urge to reduce your story to a cavalcade of carnal chaos, take a break. Step away from your computer, go for a walk, and contemplate the absurdity of existence. Or, better yet, read works by authors who manage to keep their characters’ clothes on. Channel your inner Jane Austen—if she could write compelling stories without resorting to orgies, so can you.
Step 9: Channel the Energy Elsewhere If the urge becomes too overpowering, and you find yourself on the brink of narrative disaster, channel that energy into another creative outlet. Draw, paint, or heck, knit a sweater—anything to keep your hands busy and your mind off your characters’ lingerie.
Step 10: Celebrate the Victory Every time you successfully resist the urge to debase your characters, give yourself a pat on the back. Celebrate with a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate, or a silent, self-congratulatory nod. You’ve earned it, you disciplined paragon of narrative virtue.
Now go forth, wield your pen with prudence, and may your narratives be as chaste as they are compelling. Or at least, slightly less debauched.
Sardonic Narrator’s Guide for Dummy Writers: A Treatise for the Overly Thirsty
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Inner Degenerate Before we embark on this journey of literary celibacy, you must first come to terms with your unrelenting desires. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a chronic lecher masquerading as a writer." Own it. Accept it. Now, let’s move on before you drown in your own self-awareness.Step 2: The Art of Platonic Female Characters Every time a female character graces your plot, resist the urge to strip her down faster than a banana in a gorilla's grip. Instead, think of her as a fully-clothed, respectable human being with her own aspirations and dreams—ones that don't involve being part of your impromptu bacchanal. Give her a backstory that's richer than a trust fund kid's allowance and depth that rivals a philosophy major's existential crisis.
Step 3: Dialogue Over Décolletage When your brain, against your better judgment, starts drifting towards the gutter, divert that energy into crafting dialogue that doesn’t sound like it belongs in a late-night Cinemax feature. Let your female characters discuss quantum physics, medieval history, or even the lamentable state of modern art—anything to keep them from becoming fodder for your primal urges.
Step 4: Tantalizing Temptations When the temptation to indulge in a narrative orgy becomes unbearable, channel your frustration into creating plot twists that would make M. Night Shyamalan gasp. Instead of tearing their clothes off, tear their lives apart with shocking revelations, betrayals, or, heaven forbid, a love triangle that doesn’t end in a steamy romp.
Step 5: The Red Herring Romance Introduce a romantic subplot that goes nowhere. Tease your readers with a potential romance that’s about as satisfying as decaf coffee. Let your characters exchange longing glances, have awkward moments, and then—boom—rip it all away with the cruel hands of fate. Not only will this keep your female characters out of the bedroom, but it will also leave your readers begging for closure you’ll never give.
Step 6: The Mentor Method Create a wise, asexual mentor character whose sole purpose is to smack you—figuratively, of course—every time your narrative begins to take a licentious turn. This character should be armed with sage advice, scathing wit, and a disapproving glare that would make your high school principal proud.
Step 7: Subvert the Stereotype Turn the tables on your readers’ expectations. Whenever they anticipate a gratuitous scene, hit them with a deep, emotional moment instead. Let your characters have genuine connections that don’t involve the exchange of bodily fluids. Surprise your audience with your newfound maturity, and they might just stick around for more than the cheap thrills.
Step 8: External Interventions Whenever you feel the overwhelming urge to reduce your story to a cavalcade of carnal chaos, take a break. Step away from your computer, go for a walk, and contemplate the absurdity of existence. Or, better yet, read works by authors who manage to keep their characters’ clothes on. Channel your inner Jane Austen—if she could write compelling stories without resorting to orgies, so can you.
Step 9: Channel the Energy Elsewhere If the urge becomes too overpowering, and you find yourself on the brink of narrative disaster, channel that energy into another creative outlet. Draw, paint, or heck, knit a sweater—anything to keep your hands busy and your mind off your characters’ lingerie.
Step 10: Celebrate the Victory Every time you successfully resist the urge to debase your characters, give yourself a pat on the back. Celebrate with a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate, or a silent, self-congratulatory nod. You’ve earned it, you disciplined paragon of narrative virtue.
Final Thoughts
In the grand tapestry of storytelling, there is a place for everything, including the occasional indulgence. However, if you aspire to rise above the lewd fray and create works that resonate on a deeper level, you must harness your base instincts and channel them into more sophisticated pursuits. Remember, "owotrucked," the greatest stories are those that leave something to the imagination.Now go forth, wield your pen with prudence, and may your narratives be as chaste as they are compelling. Or at least, slightly less debauched.
