Since you screamed pity and was so desperate to get a feedback, so I will grant you your wish.
Putting aside all similarities it had to do with the other works, I will be criticising based on your work alone, and not others.
Hmm, since I'm on a feedback spree again, I guess I would have to put this quote to every amateur writers out there.
So here's what every fresh starter is going to have this idea:
I write because you think you have ideas, but I write simply because you want to write. So if you don't understand what I write, this means you are the one who has the problem, not me.
First off, writing is a long process. It's not where you simply have this idea, then you turn it to an unreadable book. It takes months and years to learn how to organise a book, like it's structure, and more so if you aren't talented and still wanted to write a story, go ahead. If you don't have the patience to do so, then please leave this place forever and don't bother to ask about feedback.
Do not create a second post and ask for a feedback after a short edit. It's just plain annoying and people would only get disgusted by it.
First off:
This is an entirely new concept I came up with
Well, to begin with, ideas are something that you came up with dragging a piece from this work and dragging that from that work and finally piece them up together, tadahhhh, you get a new idea.
At least, to me, it was like that. But when you read it, you don't even know what did I pulled out from. I'd say I borrowed ideas from more than 1000+ manga to create something anew.
Secondly:
Why is mine so different/new? Because you can read each story as a standalone one but if you read multiple, you will notice as how they are connected. I can't explain fully, but i am confident. So, please give it a shot.
Well this is a good idea, but also spells out loud saying that "I'm going to write 100 different stories and piece them in together". Only if, your story is good. One slip and that marks the end of your work. There, you are missing a puzzle piece.
And all that's western fantasy, i did what i did in eastern fantasy......
Western, eastern, blah blah blah, it's fantasy. My work is fantasy too, but I'm a greedy man, so I took everything. Does it matter western or eastern? No, it's just plain fantasy. You are american, I'm Spanish, he's Japanese. Does it matter? We are all humans and we still continue to live while pointing at each other's throats.
That's enough for the prefix, let's move on.
Your synopsis:
You don't even know where to start, do you? You successfully smacked me in the face and say: "Look, I have a good sales. It's a 100 in 1 book that holds 100 stories, but it's actually 1. What do you say? A good deal, isn't it?"
Some stories might confuse you at first. Others will make previous stories click into place.
Bah. Spare me. I can't believe you even dare to write that. It screams of: "I'm also confused, but if you read it, surely, you will get it, soon. Very soon."
You openly admitted that you weren't able to write a story that provides a clear structure. How about you ask yourself these first?
1. What’s the
core theme or
main event that ties all of these stories together? Right now, I get a sense that there's something large happening, but it’s not clear what it is. A hint about the central conflict, mystery, or overarching goal would add clarity and focus to the synopsis.
2. The wording of the synopsis feels a bit casual, which works if you want to imply a light or playful tone. However, if you’re aiming for something more epic or thought-provoking, the language could be more refined. For example, “You’ll meet characters across multiple stories, witness events from different perspectives…” could be framed more powerfully to reflect the complexity of the narrative.
3.
Some stories might confuse you at first. Others will make previous stories click into place.
It could be more engaging if framed as a challenge. Maybe something like: “Not every story will make sense at first. But stick with it—the connections will come. And when they do, you’ll see a whole new layer to the world and its mysteries.”
4. Instead of only teasing the scope and interconnectivity, hint at what readers can expect from the tension or mystery. What kind of stakes are we looking at? Is there a looming disaster, a battle for power, a moral dilemma?
Moving on to your first chapter:
We were in the archives beneath the Crystal Spire, surrounded by the gentle hum of preservation enchantments and the soft glow of memory stones. Kael had been spending more time down here lately, claiming he was researching the Great Vanishing for the Historical Preservation Committee. Always the scholar, always drawn to the mysteries our people inherited when we rose to fill the void left by humanity's disappearance.
Archives? Crystal Spire? Memory stones? Great Vanishing? Historical Preservation Committee?
One single paragraph made me fell into the abyss to wonder why am I here to spend my time criticise you. Should've save time to write my own story.
In short, the summary of your 1st chapter goes:
The story centers on
Theron, an Ethereal— a member of an advanced civilization descended from humanity’s most trusted administrators. He has a brother,
Kael, who, over time, begins to delve into dangerous, forbidden knowledge of demonic cultivation that predates even humanity's rise to power. As Kael becomes more consumed by these dark teachings, he undergoes a physical and ideological transformation, growing increasingly detached from his people and their foundational beliefs.
Theron, initially skeptical of his brother's path, is forced to confront a painful choice: whether to protect Kael or uphold the stability of their society. As Kael gathers followers and grows in influence, he challenges the very tenets upon which their civilization was built—questioning humanity’s legacy and the Ethereals’ role as mere administrators. Kael envisions a new future for their people, one unbound from the chains of history, and leads a revolution that threatens to tear apart everything the Ethereals have worked for.
Theron’s internal conflict deepens as he watches his brother’s descent into madness and power. Eventually, Kael becomes the leader of a radical new movement, the
Aethereal, promising freedom from past constraints. Theron must choose between his loyalty to his brother and his responsibility to the society he swore to protect.
In the end, Theron, conflicted but understanding of his brother’s transformation, decides not to pursue Kael and his followers, realizing that in doing so, he might destroy the last bridge between their past and the uncertain future. The story explores themes of loyalty, ideological conflict, and the dangers of unchecked power. It’s a tale of transformation, both personal and societal, where the boundaries between right and wrong, brotherhood and duty, become blurred.
I cried spending time to write this (with the help of AI to digest what you are writing). But you know what? I have no idea what am I writing, because it was just too damn informative and confusing. I'm here to read a story, not a report, and you successfully slapped me in the face and say, look, this is an unknown place in my imagination trying to destroy this imaginary world.
Your problems:
1.
Pacing and Momentum:
- Too Much Exposition: While the world-building is rich and intricate, especially regarding the Ethereal people, their relationship with humanity, and the demonic forces, there’s a risk of over-explaining things in places. The moment where Kael introduces the Shadowmarch script and its demonic connection, for example, could use a little more subtlety. A more immediate reaction or feeling from the protagonist would make it feel more organic. The narrative occasionally halts to explain things in detail, which can break the flow.
- Suspense Build-Up: While the tension between the protagonist and Kael is palpable, the threat Kael presents only feels fully realized much later. This could be smoothed out to maintain a sharper sense of danger earlier on. Kael's gradual transformation is intriguing, but perhaps the foreshadowing could be layered in earlier with smaller clues (physical changes, behaviors, off-hand comments) so it doesn’t feel like a sudden shift.
2.
Character Development:
- Theron’s Emotional Depth: While we get a lot of focus on Kael’s transformation, Theron’s internal conflict could be expanded. His choice to side with Kael and protect him could carry more weight if we understood his emotional turmoil better. Does he feel guilt? Does he think Kael is justified in his actions? What kind of personal dilemma does he face? Right now, it feels a bit like he's being carried along by events rather than fully participating in them.
- Kael’s Motivations: Kael is a fascinating character, but his rapid descent into ideological fanaticism could use more explanation. His sudden shift from a curious scholar to a revolutionary leader is striking, but we only get small hints of why his transformation happens the way it does. Is it purely ideological, or is there something more sinister or personal at play? Adding some ambiguity about his true motivations—whether he’s genuinely trying to “free” the Ethereals, or whether he’s seduced by power—could make him a more compelling antagonist.
3.
Clarity of Stakes:
- What’s At Risk?: The stakes are high, but the immediate danger to the protagonist and the world feels a bit abstract. There are mentions of the “Abyssal Soul Forge” and Kael’s ideological shifts, but the tangible consequences of these actions could be more vivid. What exactly does the protagonist stand to lose, and why is it so personal for him? The political system, the society, and the threat of a demonic resurgence are clear, but how does this affect Theron on a personal level? He’s torn between his brother and his civilization, but what does that really mean for him emotionally and psychologically? Fleshing this out could make the conflict feel more urgent.
4.
Atmosphere and Tension:
- The Transformation of Kael: The physical changes Kael undergoes are intriguing but feel underdeveloped in some ways. The changes themselves are striking, but the emotional or symbolic weight behind them could be explored more. His “predatory fluidity” and how he absorbs attention could be more linked to his growing power and self-delusion, making it not just a physical transformation but also a metaphor for his internal corruption. His eyes, for instance, are mentioned multiple times, but their deeper meaning (both in terms of Kael’s character and the broader theme of perception, control, or corruption) could be played up more.
- The Crimson Fire and Abyssal Soul Forge: There’s a palpable unease surrounding the practices Kael is delving into, but the descriptions of the powers themselves could be more sensory and visceral. The shift from silver to blood-red flames, the glowing crimson energy—it’s all powerful imagery, but it could be made more emotionally resonant if we get more insight into how these powers feel to Theron. Does he feel fear, repulsion, awe? Right now, the descriptions are more cerebral than visceral.
5.
Dialogue and Voice:
- Kael’s Dialogue: Kael’s dialogue occasionally veers into overly expository territory, especially when he's explaining his newfound philosophy. It would be more engaging if his speech were less polished at times, showing the cracks in his ideological transformation. Maybe he’s not entirely sure of his beliefs and is still justifying his actions to himself. There’s room for more uncertainty in his voice to make him feel more human, even in his corruption.
- Theron’s Internal Monologue: His internal monologue, while insightful, sometimes feels a bit too removed from the action. Theron’s perspective is crucial, but adding more immediacy and personal stakes to his thoughts could deepen his emotional engagement with the story. It sometimes feels like he's reflecting on events from a distance, which can distance readers from his emotional arc.
6.
Symbolism and Themes:
- Cultivation and Control: The conflict between demonic cultivation and Ethereal methods is fascinating, but the ideological split could be further explored. It’s not just about power—it’s about how power is attained and what it means to be a ruler. The difference between individualism and collective harmony seems to parallel the larger struggle for control over knowledge, identity, and destiny. This could be tied more directly to the world-building, showing how these themes play out in the larger structure of the society.
7.
Ending:
- Impact of the Final Scene: The closing lines where Theron reflects on his role in the separation and the way history will view him are strong, but they could be more emotionally charged. This is a pivotal moment in his arc, yet it doesn’t feel as weighty as it should. Perhaps the aftermath of Kael’s rebellion and Theron’s choice could be explored in more depth—did he regret his decision? Was there a moment when he second-guessed his actions? Right now, it reads like a resignation to history rather than a moment of deep personal reflection.
I was wondering if you are reading this, because I did not. I gave up fighting my inner voice to read it as respect, but only to fail doing so.
In conclusion:
A chaotic start with info dumps like endless tsunamis, only to overwhelm the reader while saying "Hey, it's not my issue if you can't read it. It's because you aren't the author, that's all."
Suggestions:
Scrap it and make a do over. Try to sort out what your story is all about first before writing this chaotic story.
