Well, I've read 2 chapters as a casual reader who happened to pass by and read them once to gauge the immersion.
My general impression is, even though you use the first POV, your narrative is still light-telling to convey the plot, characters, and worldbuilding through the MC's internal thoughts/perceptions.
This doesn't really disrupt the pacing, but it does make the immersion flat. The reader is positioned as an observer observing the MC from the outside, instead of making the reader feel like he or she is living as the MC in his or her world.
This is quite unfortunate, because the first POV should have deep immersion where MC = I am = reader.
Here are some technical things you can consider in conveying your narrative:
(1) As explained before, your narrative still tends to be light-telling. You position the MC as someone who 'tells' what he sees and thinks.
For example, your MC at the beginning of chapter 1 immediately explains the characters (his or her roommates). Who are they to MC? At chapter 2, MC even explicitly explains the characters' personality, such as saying that person is kind. This is light exposition.
However, this practice is not good. Because the lack of immersion makes the reader feel 'guided' so that the reader is very likely to forget them. The solution?
Reduce the telling. Don't let the MC guide the reader! Make your MC the reader's lens through which to breathe, perceive, feel, act, and live in the world.
Instead of describing how kind character X is, you can have the MC observe character X helping an orphan with a simple act (like giving bread) while interacting with character X through action and dialogue.
This way, the reader can conclude for themselves that character X is kind without needing the narrator's (MC) explanation.
(2) Your early chapters are very character-heavy. I noticed at least 5-8 characters appearing almost simultaneously with a short narrative spacing. This is not good. These characters are too dense. As a result, readers tend to forget about them. The solution?
Don't place character introductions too close together. Gradually introduce the characters by interacting organically with the MC through action and dialogue. Make them come to life, rather than just a list of names in your chapters.
(3) Character identities are vague. Back to points 1 and 2... because you are using the MC as an exposition tool, the characters are only identified and introduced through names and brief descriptions. This makes it difficult for the reader to visualize your characters.
You need to be more patient in building your characters. Don't just mention their name, narrate how the character's identity includes their name, unique physical characteristics, nickname, appearance, personality, role and relationship with the MC.
Give a clear visualization of your character. And don't make the reader guess what your character looks like?
(4) You haven't done this... but if you apply suggestion no. 3, you have the potential to describe the character excessively and statically. This is not good, because descriptive narratives slow down the pacing. The solution?
Introduce your character through cinematic action narratives. The description (of the character) must follow the action. For more details, please read this
thread.
(5) Your narrative lacks spatial clues, which makes the image of the space blurry.
For example, when the MC eats at the dining table, the narrative lacks clues about the location and position of the MC and other characters in the dining room. Another example, in chapter 2, you lack clues about the location of the other characters walking with the MC on the village road. As a result, the visualization becomes blurry. The solution, provide clear spatial clues.
The narrative "I sat in dining room" is abstract.
But the narrative "I sat behind the dining table. Lys and Lie sat to my right and left. My black eyes reflected the shadow of the nun standing holding a pan."
It's a concrete narrative. Readers can imagine this scene in 3D in their perception.
(6) Additional: Re-learn the principle of show it, don't tell it. Enrich your narrative with sensory responses not only visual and audio but also taste, touch, smell, physiological and inner state.
Minimize mentioning raw emotions such as I'm anxious, I'm happy, etc.
Show emotions through body language, action, dialogue, atmosphere and tension.
Make the reader immersed and feel the world through the MC. Thus, your narrative will be more alive, more immersive.
I think that's enough feedback from me. Hopefully this feedback helps you or maybe not.
Regards.
Critical Note:
My assessment may be biased. I only provide feedback as an honest reader about my reading experience.
I went for a slower start on purpose. I wanted readers to feel the orphanage bonds before throwing them into danger. You’re right that the synopsis jumps ahead of what’s posted, so I’ll tweak it to better match the early chapters while still hinting at the bigger scope. Glad you pointed that out—it helps me keep the pacing and expectations aligned.