First few chapters feedback.

Park_NamByul

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Oct 18, 2020
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Others were doing this so I thought I should too. I just want some honest feedback and opinion on my story. It's alright if you're little harsh but be respectful please. I just want you to pick what you liked about my story and writing style and what you disliked. Thanks in advance.

 

2021

super straight male & the opposite sex of female
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Jun 24, 2021
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I can not read it, thus is my curse
 

SakeVision

Sama/kisama
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Jul 30, 2021
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Stop. I see poor grammar and weird English in the first few sentences already.

Is...is this the ending for me? Am I going to die just.. just like this? Is this the ending waiting for me?

You should rather say "is this the end for me" and "is this the end awaiting me?"

my eyes... ugh.. they are hurting... too heavy for me to let them stay open

And here it should be: "my eyes... ugh.... they hurt... too heavy, I can't keep them open".

The group of five or six troops who were still searching the ground filled with crimson color blood nodded together to the command of their leader

Crimson color--->crimson-colored

The command of their leader is a bit more tricky to explain. Theoretically, it isn't wrong, just weird. Perhaps writing "they nodded, hearing the words of their leader" or "they nodded, obeying the words of their leader" would be better?

Debris of the war was terribly scattered around.

Off, where do I start? What is a debris of war? Why is it singular? What does it mean 'terribly'? In the following sentences you actually explain what you meant by that: lifeless bodies, and fallen weapons, and all of that? Since you provided a description immediately later, this weird sentence is simply not needed.

The few walking soldiers were searching that lifeless ground so that they would kill anyone who dared to stay alive. Those men in uniform were killing mercilessly even the dead bodies to make sure that no one would survive.

This is when I have to stop reading.
You can't kill a dead body. You can stab it or pierce it to make sure it's dead. The men were wearing uniforms, not just one uniform, so plural is once again needed here. The first 'would' is not needed. The few walking soldiers, as opposed to soldiers who crawl, fly or stand motionlessly?

Was the ground lifeless? No, the ground can't be alive. The corpses on the ground were lifeless.
 

Park_NamByul

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 18, 2020
Messages
53
Points
58
Stop. I see poor grammar and weird English in the first few sentences already.

Is...is this the ending for me? Am I going to die just.. just like this? Is this the ending waiting for me?

You should rather say "is this the end for me" and "is this the end awaiting me?"

my eyes... ugh.. they are hurting... too heavy for me to let them stay open

And here it should be: "my eyes... ugh.... they hurt... too heavy, I can't keep them open".

The group of five or six troops who were still searching the ground filled with crimson color blood nodded together to the command of their leader

Crimson color--->crimson-colored

The command of their leader is a bit more tricky to explain. Theoretically, it isn't wrong, just weird. Perhaps writing "they nodded, hearing the words of their leader" or "they nodded, obeying the words of their leader" would be better?

Debris of the war was terribly scattered around.

Off, where do I start? What is a debris of war? Why is it singular? What does it mean 'terribly'? In the following sentences you actually explain what you meant by that: lifeless bodies, and fallen weapons, and all of that? Since you provided a description immediately later, this weird sentence is simply not needed.

The few walking soldiers were searching that lifeless ground so that they would kill anyone who dared to stay alive. Those men in uniform were killing mercilessly even the dead bodies to make sure that no one would survive.

This is when I have to stop reading.
You can't kill a dead body. You can stab it or pierce it to make sure it's dead. The men were wearing uniforms, not just one uniform, so plural is once again needed here. The first 'would' is not needed. The few walking soldiers, as opposed to soldiers who crawl, fly or stand motionlessly?

Was the ground lifeless? No, the ground can't be alive. The corpses on the ground were lifeless.
Thank you so much for your feedback. It means a lot.
 
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